Upset about bedrooms.

[Pools27]

Want to keep it short.

All DC are the same sex.

Me and H have a 1.5 year old and he has two older DC as well who are 11 & 13.

Just moving our DC into their room now (I know I'm a bit late!).

DSC 13 has always been quite sensitive and has been making comments that it's not fair that our DC don't have to share a room. DSC share here and I think they do at their mum's too.

Have explained it would be no good one of them sharing a room with our DC as they are so young, they'd never be able to use the bedroom past toddlers bed time etc... Or have friend round and things.

AIBU to think it totally makes sense that youngest has a room to themselves and older two share as similar in age?

You are allowed to say No and that be the end of it?

@RedWingBoots
You are correct. I don't live in the UK. I would imagine though that there are expenses that reasonable and thoughtful people in the UK consider when determining how many children that they can reasonably and comfortably support.

When my ex husband and I were deciding on family size, we discussed where and how we wanted to live. What kind of educational experience ( preschool through graduate/professional education that we needed to plan on providing for) travel experiences that we wanted to provide, sports and music/arts experiences that we needed to plan for , these factors all determined the number of children that we planned to have. We did not have children and then try to figure out how to house and support them. These discussions and decisions predated their conception. Fortunately, absent fertility issues or birth control failure, contraceptives make it pretty easy to ensure that you can determine your family size.
People would never think of getting in a supermarket line and just tossing in items for which they have not come prepared to pay at the checkout register , but many think nothing of adding a child or children for whom they do not have adequate housing .

[quote Tattler2]@RedWingBoots
You are correct. I don't live in the UK. I would imagine though that there are expenses that reasonable and thoughtful people in the UK consider when determining how many children that they can reasonably and comfortably support.

When my ex husband and I were deciding on family size, we discussed where and how we wanted to live. What kind of educational experience ( preschool through graduate/professional education that we needed to plan on providing for) travel experiences that we wanted to provide, sports and music/arts experiences that we needed to plan for , these factors all determined the number of children that we planned to have. We did not have children and then try to figure out how to house and support them. These discussions and decisions predated their conception. Fortunately, absent fertility issues or birth control failure, contraceptives make it pretty easy to ensure that you can determine your family size.
People would never think of getting in a supermarket line and just tossing in items for which they have not come prepared to pay at the checkout register , but many think nothing of adding a child or children for whom they do not have adequate housing .[/quote]
Or, people do not consider not having a room each as "inadequate housing".

Everyone wants their own space - that people are now suggesting they the DSCs come round one at a time so they can expereince having their own room - it beyond ridculous and shows SMs in an appalling manner.

OP - wants validation for her choice which is so often the reason why SMs post on the SM forum because they know they will get it. Yes they are protecting their own first and the emphasis is always on what the SDCs have at home and they are not really resident.

Just so some bloody compassion and accept they can feel upset, displaced and not as important in the decisions their DF has made with his new family. The bitchiness and justifcation - only here 3 days per week, what they have at home etc - diminshes the issue.

The SDCs will suck it up because they have to - won't make them feel any better that a baby gets their own space and they don't - just don't make out they are being unreasonable in their want for their own space.

Be Kind instead of displaying a f**k you attitude

@Tattler2 Guess I better tell my siblings and friends with twins and triplets off for not adequately planning for them.

@Finallylostit

Everyone wants their own space - that people are now suggesting they the DSCs come round one at a time so they can expereince having their own room - it beyond ridculous and shows SMs in an appalling manner.

OP - wants validation for her choice which is so often the reason why SMs post on the SM forum because they know they will get it. Yes they are protecting their own first and the emphasis is always on what the SDCs have at home and they are not really resident.

Just so some bloody compassion and accept they can feel upset, displaced and not as important in the decisions their DF has made with his new family. The bitchiness and justifcation - only here 3 days per week, what they have at home etc - diminshes the issue.

The SDCs will suck it up because they have to - won't make them feel any better that a baby gets their own space and they don't - just don't make out they are being unreasonable in their want for their own space.

Be Kind instead of displaying a f**k you attitude

There is an awful lot of projection here.

Nobody is saying they can't feel sad about it, just that realistically it is the best solution to the situation. Likewise, very few are saying anything about them not being there as often, or saying this is fair because they have more at their other home (that isn't even the case here is it). Almost unanimously people have said that it wouldn't matter if they were resident children living there full time, this would still be the only sensible way to go due to their close age.

Also, people are not suggesting they come separately so they can have their own room. One person has suggested they have that option later on if it's really important to them to have space, but the bottom line is, regardless, this is the necessary and unavoidable division of rooms.

You are talking about things that annoy you on other threads but they are not relevant here. Nobody is being bitchy besides you and others that are projecting similarly.

Everyone wants their own space - that people are now suggesting they the DSCs come round one at a time so they can expereince having their own room - it beyond ridculous and shows SMs in an appalling manner. it was a potential solution if they absolutely couldn't stand the thought of sharing a room. Which they do at their mums anyway. So I thought it might be an option. There is no reason they have to come at the same time all the time. So in the summer they could do a week each by themselves. It would also show they are seen as individuals not a unit with their sibling. I am one of 3 siblings and it did get annoying always being lumped together with my sister as "the girls" all the time.

Or, people do not consider not having a room each as "inadequate housing". indeed. There is nothing wrong with sharing a room.

@Finallylostit I'm the only person on here who suggested if space was so important to the older one, then when the child is old enough they should stay with each parent when their sibling isn't there.

Oh and funny thing is I grew up in a blended family where sharing was the norm. And not only with full-siblings. I'm also a SM whose child shares a room.

@KindlyKanga but according to another poster they will miss out on having their own room experience.

Guess I've ruined the lives of so many family members, friends and friends' children.

The older kids share a room at home. Presumably they don't question that or insist that their mum gives up her room for them. So why do they expect a room each at their dad's?

They're not being treated any worse by their step mother than they are by their own mother.

My younger sibling and I (same age gap as your DSDs) shared until I was 16. We had two loft beds with our own space underneath and there was still a bit of space left for a communal bit. It was really nice, can you try something like that?

The SDCs will suck it up because they have to - won't make them feel any better that a baby gets their own space and they don't - just don't make out they are being unreasonable in their want for their own space.

Bear in mind that most SMs work full time even shortly after childbirth - and they do this to provide a house with sufficient bedrooms for children that are not their own. The DH is still paying for the first wife's house, and without the SM, his children would be crammed in the living room of a tiny flat. So denying an SM her right to her own child is more than entitled - it is treating her as the family slave.

@aSofaNearYou
Sharing a room is not an indicator of inadequate housing. Having 3 children of the same gender and having extensions added to the house that provides upgrades for everyone but the step children does suggest that their presence and preferences were not considered in the planning. That is quite likely how the children see the situation.

These children are fully aware of the need to share bedrooms; they share at their mom's house. What may be different at mom's house is that all of her children may be expected to share. They may not be experiencing those same feelings of equality in dad's house. Obviously ,now that dad has expanded the size of his home, only his older children are expected to share. To young kids and adolescents this may feel less than equitable.

Having 3 children of the same gender and having extensions added to the house that provides upgrades for everyone but the step children it's not an upgrade. The youngest DC needed a bedroom the alternative seems to be youngest DC was stuck with the adults. Thats not a long term solution. The DSC were offered the loft room. They turned it down. There is no problem here whatsoever. It is simply a teenage DC having a bit of a grump that her family aren't rich enough to afford a room for each child like some of her friends or whatever. She will get over it. There are bigger issues like dad having time with the older ones with out the DC that will help the relationship.

Obviously ,now that dad has expanded the size of his home, only his older children are expected to share. To young kids and adolescents this may feel less than equitable. it may do yes. But that doesn't mean its the wrong thing to do it just needs to be explained once and that's it.

[quote Tattler2]@aSofaNearYou
Sharing a room is not an indicator of inadequate housing. Having 3 children of the same gender and having extensions added to the house that provides upgrades for everyone but the step children does suggest that their presence and preferences were not considered in the planning. That is quite likely how the children see the situation.

These children are fully aware of the need to share bedrooms; they share at their mom's house. What may be different at mom's house is that all of her children may be expected to share. They may not be experiencing those same feelings of equality in dad's house. Obviously ,now that dad has expanded the size of his home, only his older children are expected to share. To young kids and adolescents this may feel less than equitable.[/quote]
It's not an upgrade. The only reason the extension is necessary is that there is now another child who needs to not be in with it's parents forever. So another room has been created to facilitate that. The parents aren't getting an upgrade, they're just continuing to have a room, and the baby isn't getting an upgrade, they are just now existing and weren't before.

The only other alternative would have been to put the baby in with the older two as well.

Yes, the older kids might perceive an unfairness in the fact that they don't get their own room, as many children are inclined to see unfairness in things, but that doesn't mean they would actually be correct to think everyone else is getting an "upgrade". They aren't. Another room is simply being built because there is one more person, and it doesn't make sense for a young child to share with older children. There is an odd number of children at present, but this will all become very apparent to them if OP and her DH go on to have another child, which will obviously share with the current youngest.

@Tattler2 then the dad better explain to his eldest child that he isn't done having children with his current wife, so she better be prepared for more siblings.

the baby isn't getting an upgrade, they are just now existing and weren't before. sums it all up really. Might help putting it to the DSC like this. I have read on here before what sound to be bad sleeping situations when a DC comes along and suddenly DSC is taken out their room and given a temporary bed every time they come. This is not what has happened here. All that has happened is DC now exists and a room has been built so all 3 of them aren't stuck sharing.

Where have I been bitchy.

Just said show some compassion - the DSC is allowed to "make comments" - they are entitled to their opinion and have a right to feel as they feel.

It is the right thing to do here - still does not make an older child feel great, that a younger sibling gets what they want - and they know they have no chance of that until they leave home.

Some of the comments here are absolutely ridiculous!

The setup you have is fine. Kids can be told no, even step kids! And have to deal with it.

At their ages there is nothing wrong with sharing a room, they are close in age and the same sex.

They can grump about it, but ultimately there is nothing wrong with the setup at all.

You don’t need to do anything other than explain to DSC why they have to share which I imagine has already happened, and leave it at that.

Spaceship - Bear in mind that most SMs work full time even shortly after childbirth - and they do this to provide a house with sufficient bedrooms for children that are not their own - utter bollocks

The DH is still paying for the first wife's house, and without the SM, his children would be crammed in the living room of a tiny flat.

• really of course all EXmen are still paying for the EX to have a house - I and many poeple I know must have missed some trick there then.

So denying an SM her right to her own child is more than entitled - it is treating her as the family slave.
What utter crap.

@Finallylostit

Spaceship - Bear in mind that most SMs work full time even shortly after childbirth - and they do this to provide a house with sufficient bedrooms for children that are not their own - utter bollocks

The DH is still paying for the first wife's house, and without the SM, his children would be crammed in the living room of a tiny flat.

• really of course all EXmen are still paying for the EX to have a house - I and many poeple I know must have missed some trick there then.

So denying an SM her right to her own child is more than entitled - it is treating her as the family slave.
What utter crap.

Be Kind instead of displaying a fk you attitude

Pretty sure that's a quote from yourself? Telling people to 'be kind' while spouting mysogonistic, offensive bullshit, well done. You're embarrassing. You must be desperately unhappy. You don't need to bother responding, as you've already proven yourself to be a completely unreasonable, holier-than-thou, 'won't anyone think of the children', hypocritical idiot.

Where have I been bitchy.

I think it's quite obvious that you have been bitchy throughout, making random comments about your negative perceptions about SPs even though they bear no relevance to what is actually being said on this thread.

I think the OP is right in what has happened.

I have said show compassion for the children who feel hard done by and would like their own space. The can express their feelings and have an opinion and that is fine.
Not going to change the situation here which I agree with the actions taken.

I disagree with the suggestions of - come separately, that is what they have at their other home.

It is life and they have to deal with it.

Not misogynistic - please show me where I have been.

Very happy in my life but I do relate to the room sharing - did not get my own room till I was 20 - as I was in a shared room at Uni for 2 yrs. My sister with whom I shared - feels the same. We did it because we had to but does not mean we liked it and we both resented our brother the youngest for having his own space.
Am I traumatised by it - no but I do understand why the eldest has made some comments.