Upset about bedrooms.

[Pools27]

Want to keep it short.

All DC are the same sex.

Me and H have a 1.5 year old and he has two older DC as well who are 11 & 13.

Just moving our DC into their room now (I know I'm a bit late!).

DSC 13 has always been quite sensitive and has been making comments that it's not fair that our DC don't have to share a room. DSC share here and I think they do at their mum's too.

Have explained it would be no good one of them sharing a room with our DC as they are so young, they'd never be able to use the bedroom past toddlers bed time etc... Or have friend round and things.

AIBU to think it totally makes sense that youngest has a room to themselves and older two share as similar in age?

@RichardsGear
Of course, the children will have to accept anything or everything that is placed before them. Many children share bedrooms. It is not a particularly unusual thing. This however is obviously a problem in the OP's household such that she is seeking validation from strangers that this is a reasonable solution.

The children who are experiencing this situation will feel whatever they feel and those feelings will be governed not by the snippet of information that we know but by the totality of their experience within the household. If they feel that they are treated fairly / equitably within the family unit, they are not likely to be complaining. If they feel that the same degree of consideration is given to their comfort and well being, they will probably not be complaining.. Comfortable and secure children do not usually complain.

@chocolatesaltyballs22
And your second question..she can't magic up another room no, but is the same amount of thought going in to whether you can financially and logistically afford a third child as if the first two were yours too?

It's clearly a ridiculous idea for either of them to share with the toddler, and I don't think anyone should have to apologise for not having a bigger house. Siblings do share where necessary, and while not ideal for teenagers it's not the end of the world.

That said, in your situation I'd give the SC the loft, if that's bigger than the bedroom, with some sort of partition to give them a bit of space. Largely because I have two teenage boys and wouldn't fancy the headache if they had to share - so much bickering.

When my Mum and Step Dad moved house (from terrace to detached) and converted the loft, they split it in two, so we’d have four bedrooms (5 children as their child turned about to be twins )

The two first floor bedrooms were large doubles, they had one, twins had the other.

The loft rooms were ridiculously small due to the roof. As the eldest and the only girl, I got one to myself, my two brother shared the other tiny room, which had space for a bunk bed and one set of drawers.

They wouldn’t have fitted a double bed for the adults, they would have fitted cots for the twins, but what’s the point in the adults being on a separate floor, and me in Y10 being woken by toddlers through the night as my Mum staggered upstairs?! (The twins didn’t sleep though until after they started school )

It wouldn’t have occurred to any of us elder 3 to whine about it, I was 14, DBros 12 and 10.

It would have been much better as one large room, however I’d rather have slept in the shed than share with my brothers.

I have 3DC, all the same sex, ages 13/11/6. 3 bedrooms. Eldest has the huge loft room sort of to herself, I cut off a small part of it for my office, as I have the box bedroom. Middle DD and youngest DD share, but that’s only been in the last year - the amount of fighting and screeching going in the loft at night, I couldn’t stand it any more.

But this is for a few very specific reasons -

11YO is Autistic, has very specific getting herself to sleep habits, and doesn’t get to sleep till 11pm at the earliest, wakes up most nights several times. 13YO is a light sleeper, needs to go to sleep by 9pm and sleep through but was being disturbed all the time. 6YO is asleep by 8pm, and is a bomb proof sleeper. Nothing wakes her up.

It’s also easier for me if 11YO is on the same floor as me.

@chocolatesaltyballs22
That's kind of my point. I'm reading these threads as a casual independent observer, with no projection or experience for either the step parent or the step child. And overwhelmingly, I'm feeling sorry for the step children.

[quote arethereanyleftatall]@chocolatesaltyballs22
That's kind of my point. I'm reading these threads as a casual independent observer, with no projection or experience for either the step parent or the step child. And overwhelmingly, I'm feeling sorry for the step children. [/quote]
Cool. Thanks for your input.

[quote arethereanyleftatall]@chocolatesaltyballs22
That's kind of my point. I'm reading these threads as a casual independent observer, with no projection or experience for either the step parent or the step child. And overwhelmingly, I'm feeling sorry for the step children. [/quote]
Why though? Because they have to share a room? Kids up and down the country share rooms.

The only difference is that the toddler gets their own room. This is because it is better for everyone in the family. The DSC and the DC. If the DSC really don't want to share then maybe they should alternate weeks/days so they aren't there at the same time. There's no rules saying they have to go around together.

@KindlyKanga
No, not because they have to share a room. That's fine as like you say, many siblings do. But it's more the tone with how some posters have responded about their own stepchildren, they just seem to be an inconvenience, a chore to work around their 'real' children.

[quote arethereanyleftatall]@chocolatesaltyballs22
And your second question..she can't magic up another room no, but is the same amount of thought going in to whether you can financially and logistically afford a third child as if the first two were yours too? [/quote]
Oh FGS, do you have any idea how ridiculous and insulting a thing that is to say? Just so two siblings don't have to share?

I feel sorry for all the younger children whose existence is resented by people who think it's more important the older children never have to compromise on minor things, than that they exist.

[quote arethereanyleftatall]@KindlyKanga
No, not because they have to share a room. That's fine as like you say, many siblings do. But it's more the tone with how some posters have responded about their own stepchildren, they just seem to be an inconvenience, a chore to work around their 'real' children. [/quote]
Nobody has said anything that implies that in the slightest, this is pure projection.

But it's more the tone with how some posters have responded about their own stepchildren, they just seem to be an inconvenience, a chore to work around their 'real' children? I haven't seen that tone at all.

Maybe their mum shouldn't have had two kids either then if she can't provide a bedroom each for them 🙄

@ilovemyboys3

I have a 6 year old who has his own room, and we have a 14 month old together and my partner has a child who stays once a week. My step child shares with our 14 month old, and she argues she should have her own bedroom. I mean so the two kids that live here 100% share 100% of the time and an empty bedroom sits there 6 nights a week - I don't think so. It's a nightmare when she comes to stay as our 14 month old wakes in the night etc and she gets disturbed and cannot go in the room after 7pm but makes more sense for her to share 1 night a week that then my child doing it 7 nights a week. Kids will always have an opinion but your in charge.

This one stood out to me @aSofaNearYou in particular. I'm not trying to be contrary, I'm trying to understand the thought processes.

But it's more the tone with how some posters have responded about their own stepchildren, they just seem to be an inconvenience, a chore to work around their 'real' children.

No one has suggested this. You, on the other hand, seem to be suggesting that the DC's are the inconvenience for daring to exist.

My SD sulked when she didn't get the biggest room in this house (we gave it to DSS because as the youngest he's always had the smallest bedroom) at the age of 14 we didn't think she'd be coming to us EOW for the next decade:

SD then sulked when we decorated her bedroom first because it still wasn't the biggest.

She's gone on to much worse sulks since then but now aged 20 she doesn't seem to mention the marginally smaller bedroom anymore so I wouldn't sweat it too much. We could give her the moon on a stick and she'd still be pissed at us

Tbh, I would say being on a different floor to the toddler would be a right pain in the arse.

I would make the loft room into a right funky space divided for two tween/teenagers and stay on the same floor as toddler.

@arethereanyleftatall there is nothing in that post that says the DSC is an inconvenience rather that its a nightmare for the DSC as they have to share with a toddler who wakes in the night and stuff. That's just a family making the best decision they can foe their sleeping arrangements.

If the DSC had been put in the attic room there would have been people complaining about that too.. that's right hide them away in the attic out if sight etc. Step families will always be judged.

It's not even a step child thing, just good common sense for the older two to share - even if they lived with you 100% this would still be the best arrangement.

Until my children were 13, 11 and 4, the older two shared and Dc3 had his own room. It just made sense rather than making one of the older ones share with a toddler.

And just to add, the only reason that situation changed was because we got a 4th bedroom and then they all had their own room. If we'd continued with 3 beds then the eldest 2 would have continued to share.

[quote KindlyKanga]@arethereanyleftatall there is nothing in that post that says the DSC is an inconvenience rather that its a nightmare for the DSC as they have to share with a toddler who wakes in the night and stuff. That's just a family making the best decision they can foe their sleeping arrangements.[/quote]
Of course the DSD isn't an inconvenience. We make it work and the sleeping arrangements suit work in our situation. Much better for her to share with her half sister then a step sibling who is a boy. My 6 yea role has the small room. My step child and our 14 month old have the biggest bedroom in the house and they both have their side and it works. Not once have I suggested she feels left out or an inconvenience. She would move in if her mum would let her - she obviously loves being with us!

@chocolatesaltyballs22
If the mom provides a home where all of the children are required to share a bedroom, that might provide a very different feeling from a home where only some of the children are required to share a room. It doesn't matter if logic requires this, logic will not necessarily govern the way that the kids experience the situation..

In deciding how many children you can afford to adequately support, the size of the house that you can afford is a factor that should be considered. It is no different than deciding how many children you can afford to contribute to educating, providing medical insurance, providing reasonable extra curricular and travel expdriences, etc.

Essentially, is your goal to provide subsistence for your children are some fairly comfortable lifestyle? Neither position is necessarily wrong, but one position is definitely preferable to the other.

In my experience , many people want to give their children the best quality of life that they can provide, and this mindset impacts the number of children that they choose to have.

It's funny how everyone thinks because someone has a loft conversion the resulting room must be big. I learn after one of my siblings had one a decade ago that this wasn't necessarily true.

providing medical insurance,

This clearly illustrates that Tattler2 isn't from the UK and doesn't understand how many families live.

As a stepmother, I can also see it from the kids perspective. Sharing sucks. Especially if one child doesn't have to share.

In a nuclear family, with all bio children, it also happens that 2 kids need to share while 1 or 2 get their own rooms. You don't see these women getting hate for having more children than their bedrooms allow.

Reducing this to 'poor stepchildren, always a burden, never a priority' is the reason that stepmothers have such a negative reputation no matter what they do, no matter how much they love their stepkids, no matter how much money and time they spend on children that aren't theirs.