Upset about bedrooms.

[Pools27]

Want to keep it short.

All DC are the same sex.

Me and H have a 1.5 year old and he has two older DC as well who are 11 & 13.

Just moving our DC into their room now (I know I'm a bit late!).

DSC 13 has always been quite sensitive and has been making comments that it's not fair that our DC don't have to share a room. DSC share here and I think they do at their mum's too.

Have explained it would be no good one of them sharing a room with our DC as they are so young, they'd never be able to use the bedroom past toddlers bed time etc... Or have friend round and things.

AIBU to think it totally makes sense that youngest has a room to themselves and older two share as similar in age?

@arethereanyleftatall

Yes, they have always shared, and now their new baby sibling gets their own room. That's the difference.

For good reason. Can children never be expected to have something completely logical explained to them and accept it? Or must we all run around finding solutions every time a child briefly moans about something?

In an ideal world everyone would have their own rooms but right now we can't offer that.

The toddler has much earlier bed time, more large toys, more likely to need attention during the night, wakes much earlier and so on... Of course it makes most sense that they have a separate room and the DC most similar in age with similar bed times and so on share the other.

I can't make the situation perfect for everyone because we don't have 4 bedrooms unfortunately.

I get it, they would prefer their own room but it's really not THAT terrible is it? I'm sure it's fairly standard across the UK for siblings to share a room.

Sounds fair to me. Your DH needs to be managing this

You're absolutely fine. With every update it just makes more and more sense. Don't sweat it. If DSD keeps going on about it DH needs to step in.

I think they know it is the right thing for their youngest sibling to get their own room. But be kind.

So 2 years ago - did they both have a room each and now one of the rooms is being given to the baby?

But- it is only fair to understand how this must appear to them. They share at Mums for practical purposes and now they are made to share at Dads where there are more rooms, but the new baby gets - what let's be honest we all covet - their own room and space.

If you are taking a room from one of them and making them share now - I can see how it would upset them.

@Finallylostit

I think they know it is the right thing for their youngest sibling to get their own room. But be kind.

So 2 years ago - did they both have a room each and now one of the rooms is being given to the baby?

But- it is only fair to understand how this must appear to them. They share at Mums for practical purposes and now they are made to share at Dads where there are more rooms, but the new baby gets - what let's be honest we all covet - their own room and space.

If you are taking a room from one of them and making them share now - I can see how it would upset them.

You haven't read the thread properly. toddler has always been in with parents, older girls have always shared. Now there is a loft extension, so parents moving up there leaving toddler in own room.

Dividing the room with decoration/different carpets seems best. You can keep the bunk bed, and divide the room into left and right with the bunk bed halfway on each side.

@Finallylostit

I think they know it is the right thing for their youngest sibling to get their own room. But be kind.

So 2 years ago - did they both have a room each and now one of the rooms is being given to the baby?

But- it is only fair to understand how this must appear to them. They share at Mums for practical purposes and now they are made to share at Dads where there are more rooms, but the new baby gets - what let's be honest we all covet - their own room and space.

If you are taking a room from one of them and making them share now - I can see how it would upset them.

OP explained No we had two bedrooms and just finished a loft conversion before Christmas so I read that as the older two always shared and the baby was in with OP and DP, so loft was converted for a third bedroom.

@ilovemyboys3

I have a 6 year old who has his own room, and we have a 14 month old together and my partner has a child who stays once a week. My step child shares with our 14 month old, and she argues she should have her own bedroom. I mean so the two kids that live here 100% share 100% of the time and an empty bedroom sits there 6 nights a week - I don't think so. It's a nightmare when she comes to stay as our 14 month old wakes in the night etc and she gets disturbed and cannot go in the room after 7pm but makes more sense for her to share 1 night a week that then my child doing it 7 nights a week. Kids will always have an opinion but your in charge.

How old is your stepchild? Why she doesn't share with the 6 years old? At least she would not be disburb by the 14months old waking up at night?

oh cross post with Bean

If this were calculating your housing needs your DD would be entitled to their own room, then DSDs share until 16 in a double room and you having a double room with DH. That's based on them all being there full time.

Since they are not there the majority of the time anyway, I'm sure come the age of 16 they'll stay less and be having sleepovers elsewhere so it should still work.

Tell them how it's going to be, you don't have to justify it.

You are right OP, and the oldest child will just have to accept it. We have three children (all full siblings, all the same sex) and only three bedrooms. Two out of three have always had to share and that's the way it is. We have frequently offered the two who share (the oldest two, both teens) the opportunity to rotate around and have their own room at various points but they've always declined and they actually like sharing (they get on very well).

In our case sharing a bedroom with a same sex sibling is not a desperate hardship and certainly not worth taking on thousands of pounds of debt to fund an extension or loft conversion, or even worse uprooting and moving house to a 4 bed (expense and upheaval through the roof!).

I’d be telling them they are having the loft as I wouldn’t be traipsing up and down stairs to see to the toddler in the night or wanting the toddler coming up the stairs to get me .

If your current room is bigger I would move them to that 9ne to share and the toddler into theirs

Do they understand the implications of sleeping in the same room as a toddler?

@Floralnomad

I’d be telling them they are having the loft as I wouldn’t be traipsing up and down stairs to see to the toddler in the night or wanting the toddler coming up the stairs to get me .

This, but also I'd have had 2 rooms put in the loft rather than one, since that better meets the needs of your family with 3 children. Is there any chance you can get a stud wall put up to split the loft room into 2? Either for you and DH with second room for toddler, or one room each for the 2 DSC? I think it was bit odd to do the conversion without considering the need for 4 bedrooms bearing in mind you have 3 children. Most loft conversion can be large enough for 2 small rooms instead of a large room and an ensuite.

@ilovemyboys3

I have a 6 year old who has his own room, and we have a 14 month old together and my partner has a child who stays once a week. My step child shares with our 14 month old, and she argues she should have her own bedroom. I mean so the two kids that live here 100% share 100% of the time and an empty bedroom sits there 6 nights a week - I don't think so. It's a nightmare when she comes to stay as our 14 month old wakes in the night etc and she gets disturbed and cannot go in the room after 7pm but makes more sense for her to share 1 night a week that then my child doing it 7 nights a week. Kids will always have an opinion but your in charge.

I'm not sure what the solution is here, but crikey, this doesn't sound very pleasant for your step child. I think I'd give your two children a room each, but when your step child stays over, I'd let her have your toddlers bed (assuming it is/making sure it is) suitable for her, and bring the toddler in with yourself and your dh for that one night.

'Sorry DSC. It is not practical for the toddler to be sharing a room as they wake so much/so early and we need to be able to shove all the big baby stuff in there out of the way. You two don't want the attic room so you need to keep sharing the biggest room'

Then they'd be told they've already been told why things are as they are and to stop going on because nothing has changed.

End of.

Though, with the loft conversion, could you not have carved out a small bedroom for the toddler for 3 or so years? That you could change into a walk in wardrobe later on & told the older two that when the toddler turns 4 the bedrooms would need to be rearranged unless you win the lottery before then?

@Pools27

DSC have always shared the same room.

What's the room size difference between your 1.5 yo room and the stepchildrens?

I'd have the sc in largest room and try to arrange so they have separate spaces.

What's the room size difference between your 1.5 yo room and the stepchildrens?

She has already said they are both doubles.

You’re the adults, nothing has changed for your DSC, what happens at mum’s isn’t your problem, just say it’s nothing is changing and they can feel disappointed and that’s okay.

All this pandering people are suggesting is ridiculous. If they were all full siblings there full time it would be exactly the same. The needs of pre teens/teens and toddlers are completely different. I’ve got teen DSCs, they have books and gadgets and the off sift toy. I have a 2 year old who has bloody loads of books, soft toys, wooden toys, stuff which takes up space. They had the same at her age and they don’t resent her or the stage she’s at at all.

@SkyrocketAway

I have a 6 year old who has his own room, and we have a 14 month old together and my partner has a child who stays once a week. My step child shares with our 14 month old,

I would have thought it made more sense for the teenager to share with the older child, and the 14 month old have their own room. At 14 months mine still woke in the night shouting "mummy" for milk or water and toilet etc, which would have disturbed the teen.

Their step brother and sister so a boy and a girl shouldn't share at that age.

The teenager sees it like this.

Two rooms, we all share, two in each room. New baby arrives suddenly there is time and money to make a new room for baby. Baby more important than me.

Just think it helps to see how they feel, that baby need new room as they cry lots and wake lots and destroy things and you didn't want the older children's lives being made more difficult by baby.

What about my idea @ilovemyboys3 of bringing the toddler in with you for the one night a week she stays so that she can have the room to herself for that one night?

@ilovemyboys3
Have you tried having your 14 month old in with you for one night? It must be difficult for a teen to share with a young toddler.

@Pools27
I know you’ve just bought the bunk beds op. But have you thought about this sort of split? Plenty of examples online.

Are the DSC both girls or both boys? If they're not, maybe that's why they don't want to share still.

Though, with the loft conversion, could you not have carved out a small bedroom for the toddler for 3 or so years? That you could change into a walk in wardrobe later on & told the older two that when the toddler turns 4 the bedrooms would need to be rearranged unless you win the lottery before then?

I really don't think letting them have their own rooms for X number of years and then taking them away again is better.

Loft conversion isn't that huge, split into two wouldn't have been very big at all as there is a slope in the roof either side so not a huge amount of useable space as it is.