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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

WWYD - DSS

169 replies

crockpot29 · 19/02/2022 11:56

NC just in case

My DSS is 10 and spends every school holiday with us. When he comes he stays on a blowup bed in my DS room who is a teenager.

Since i've met DSS he has wet the bed. I continuously bring it up with DH but he brushes it off and says he will grow out of it. His mum complains that he wets the bed and her house stinks because he hides it.

I don't have a relationship with her so all questions go through DH but i have asked has she never brought him to DR's to get checked as to my knowledge this isn't normal.

I used to be quite strict with him and would stop drinks late evening and wake him to go toilet like i would when my children were younger but then i started to feel like a evil stepmother because they make him do what the fuck he wants.

TBH it's really starting to piss me off because i think it could be managed if his lazy parents wake him to go piss or put some consequences in place. Mum at home spoils him with gaming devices and when he comes here granted it's holiday but he spends 10 hours a day on them (ipad, switch, laptop) she sends them all - at home he also has gaming pc and playstation.

Just a rant really but what would you do?

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FlorenceNightshade · 19/02/2022 12:04

First of all I don’t think “consequences” are useful here because hes probably not doing it on purpose! How does you DSS feel about it? Embarrassed probably if he’s hiding it at home.
Why can’t your DH make a gp appointment for him? Why can’t your DH limit drinks at night and wake him to go to the toilet?
It sounds to me like you DSS needs support that he’s just not getting from any of you

negomi90 · 19/02/2022 12:09

Well if punishment is being used for accidents then of course he's going to hide it.
He needs to go the doctor and then get support in place.
Consequences are completely inappropriate.

Lots of really good advise here. Its common, its also common for kids to be embarrassed and hide it.
www.eric.org.uk/pages/category/bedwetting

Bakewelltart987 · 19/02/2022 12:10

It's actually not that uncommon for older children to wet the bed there is a mat you can buy place it under them and if they start to wee the mat beeps waking them togo the toilet.

Original poster

crockpot29 · 19/02/2022 12:19

I say consequences because on numerous occasions he has said 'can't be bothered to get up i'm too tired'. Therefore he knows what he's doing.

Also purposely puts quilt between his leg to piss on it so when the mattress is checked its dry.

He doesn't have to walk far to the bathroom a light is always on at ours and he has a on-suite at his home.

OP posts:

Original poster

crockpot29 · 19/02/2022 12:20

Also he lives 4 hours away so DH cannot take him to the DR's and hence why we only see him on school holidays

OP posts:

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 19/02/2022 12:35

Ew that's lazy. How old is he?

Original poster

crockpot29 · 19/02/2022 12:36

@chocolatesaltyballs22

Ew that's lazy. How old is he?

10 years old

OP posts:

rainbowandglitter · 19/02/2022 12:39

That's disgusting and needs sorting out ASAP.

Bakewelltart987 · 19/02/2022 12:39

So dh books a doctor appointment for the day he is taking his dc home then dh takes child the doctors!

wildseas · 19/02/2022 12:39

I think that this is important enough that dh should take him to the doctors even though he lives 4 hours away. In a year he will be at secondary and it will massively impact his social life if his bedroom smells of piss and he can never sleepover/go camping etc.

I think you need a really serious chat with dh about how parenting his son is his job. Not just something his sons mum does.

PotteringAlong · 19/02/2022 12:40

I say consequences because on numerous occasions he has said 'can't be bothered to get up i'm too tired'. Therefore he knows what he's doing.

Does he? Because that sound like the kind of thing a 10 year old says because he’s too embarrassed to admit he cannot control when he goes to the toilet or not.

PotteringAlong · 19/02/2022 12:41

And of course your DH can take him to the doctors! Why could he not?

titchy · 19/02/2022 12:42

Does he actually do that on purpose though, or does he say that because he's embarrassed he can't control it? I assume he goes to the loo during the day and doesn't wet himself because he's in the middle of a game and couldn't bothered? In which case it sounds like he'd rather be told off for being naughty than admit he has no nighttime control. I'd suggest you treat it as if it's out of his control and just quietly give him some pull ups. You could even go along with his version of events and tell him he is welcome to pee in them if he 'can't be bothered to get out of bed'.

Bakewelltart987 · 19/02/2022 12:42

So dh only parents his child in the school holidays everything else is down to mum no wonder dh isn't bothered he only has to deal with it a few weeks a year he needs to step up!

FlorenceNightshade · 19/02/2022 12:43

That’s pretty disturbing reading! If he’s doing that deliberately your DH needs to step up and let home know just how unacceptable that is. How’s his hygiene in general? Does he shower and brush his teeth without a fuss? Could he have mental health problems?

titchy · 19/02/2022 12:44

But yes your dh does need to step in here. Poor kid sounds like he has pretty shit parents. I'm not sure you're covering yourself in glory either tbh.

Justilou1 · 19/02/2022 12:45

I suspect this kid knows it is a problem and is saying “I can’t be bothered” rather than admit that it’s an issue. Obviously sleeping on a wet mattress is uncomfortable. He has worked out that the duvet is absorbant and washable. That’s why he’s putting it there. There is obviously a medical problem and if his father is unwilling to put in the work, he is neglecting his child physically and psychologically. Can you imagine how this kid feels having to go on sleepovers at a friend’s place knowing he wets the bed? Can you imagine how he feels knowing his parents aren’t helping him?

breatheinskipthegym · 19/02/2022 12:49

GPs are open during school holidays. Your DH is neglecting his parenting duties with that lame excuse. The child needs support and input - whether medical or parental - rather than to be branded disgusting.

AnneElliott · 19/02/2022 12:50

It's quite common I think with boys. My DS was 9 before he could go through the night - the Dr said it was time that was needed.

But he should wear those pull ups at night until he's sorted it. They do 11-15 year old ones. Worth getting the Drs view in it in case he has an infection or something.

BodgertheJogger · 19/02/2022 12:57

@titchy

So true.

Original poster

crockpot29 · 19/02/2022 13:03

@FlorenceNightshade

Doesn't brush his teeth unless prompted. Always showers in the morning

OP posts:

lunar1 · 19/02/2022 13:04

I just can't imagine finding anything attractive about a man who is such a shit parent.

His son is 10, he's embarrassed and trying to hide the fact.

How adults like this are allowed to be parents I've no idea. It's desperately sad to read about child neglect like this.

Original poster

crockpot29 · 19/02/2022 13:06

@AnneElliott

It's quite common I think with boys. My DS was 9 before he could go through the night - the Dr said it was time that was needed.

But he should wear those pull ups at night until he's sorted it. They do 11-15 year old ones. Worth getting the Drs view in it in case he has an infection or something.

Thank you for a sensible answer. I thought it may be an infection but one year we had him for 3 weeks in the summer and after 4 days of doing it he stopped. This also included a week in a foreign country, where most accidents would happen because of the unfamiliarity. We really praised him and he felt good. Told his mum and she was chuffed. Come October half term back to square one

OP posts:

user1471530109 · 19/02/2022 13:08

OP is he really sleeping in a blowup mattress? Is there really no other way the poor kid can have a proper bed?

Original poster

crockpot29 · 19/02/2022 13:08

@Bakewelltart987

So dh books a doctor appointment for the day he is taking his dc home then dh takes child the doctors!

He doesn't even know her full address since she has moved in with her DH. How would he book a Dr appointment

OP posts:

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