WWYD - DSS

[crockpot29]

NC just in case

My DSS is 10 and spends every school holiday with us. When he comes he stays on a blowup bed in my DS room who is a teenager.

Since i've met DSS he has wet the bed. I continuously bring it up with DH but he brushes it off and says he will grow out of it. His mum complains that he wets the bed and her house stinks because he hides it.

I don't have a relationship with her so all questions go through DH but i have asked has she never brought him to DR's to get checked as to my knowledge this isn't normal.

I used to be quite strict with him and would stop drinks late evening and wake him to go toilet like i would when my children were younger but then i started to feel like a evil stepmother because they make him do what the fuck he wants.

TBH it's really starting to piss me off because i think it could be managed if his lazy parents wake him to go piss or put some consequences in place. Mum at home spoils him with gaming devices and when he comes here granted it's holiday but he spends 10 hours a day on them (ipad, switch, laptop) she sends them all - at home he also has gaming pc and playstation.

Just a rant really but what would you do?

We used an enuresis alarm with our daughter, worked in less than month, she was 5 or 6.

If it doesn't work like that how are toddlers trained? Did you not put them on the toilet before bed during and when the wake up in morning.

No. You can't train them. If they don't produce the hormone that suppresses urine production then all putting them on the loo does is minimise the amount to clean for the parent.

Though if he's managing to not wet for a few days at a time he is maybe starting to produce the hormone and the issue will sort itself out in a few months.

@titchy

Why can't he have a proper bed? Or mattress? You can get truckle beds which slide under your ds's existing bed. Or buy a bunk bed. Or if there's space just buy a single bed.

Then whats the answer when he is at home for the remainder of year? He's not dry there either!

Of course making them go to the toilet before bed is correct, but waking them up In the night gives their bladders false information, meaning they don't get to produce the correct hormone which either allows them to hold their pee until morning or gives their brain the signal to get up and go.

It's not an attack on you, but having gone through this myself with my own child I have alot of information and knowledge on it.
My ds will be on medication until he has effectively produced enough of the hormone that stops him wetting, he is under constant review and it could happen anywhere from now until he's 18 or he may never produce it and be on medication for life, so yes it is very important to get your dss checked out.

I say consequences because on numerous occasions he has said 'can't be bothered to get up i'm too tired'. Therefore he knows what he's doing.

I’d be very surprised if he is wetting the bed on purpose, especially in front of his ‘cooler’ older brother (if indeed he does see your DS in this light, that is). I think he is saying this out of bravado and this problem really needs to be addressed, and I can’t understand why your DH and his ex wife are doing nothing about it. Seems quite neglectful to me, BUT it is up to them to address it not you. All you can do is don’t allow him tea, coffee, coke or any other drinks containing caffeine at all while at yours, and water only after 5pm. Make sure he uses the loo before bed and leave a little plug in night light on for him in the hallway.
As an aside I don’t think him sleeping in a blow up bed will do him any harm whatsoever.

Don't know the answer to the bed wetting but that would need sorting before I made my DS share with DSS. I wouldn't be having my son's bed getting soaked with piss every night. Even if they had bunk beds, the OPs son has to live in that room, piss isn't odour free.

No way as a teen would I have wanted another child pissing on a bed that was a permanent feature in my room.

OP, has your husband ever discussed this situation with his physician as to what the possible physical causes might be? If the mom won't bring him to the doctor, why won't his dad take him to a doctor?

Why attempt to impose consequences for a problem which may be either physical or psychological when neither parent is willing and responsible enough to have him examined and treated?

You are all bothered and annoyed by the outcomes but all have excuses for not having the problem properly analyzed and treated. This could be a symptom of so many very serious conditions, and the real concern seems to be for damaged bedding rather than the damaged child. Your husband and his ex seem to have their priorities in the wrong order.

Both of my sons stopped bed wetting in year 6.it is normal for a significant proportion of DC .they were most likely to do it if very over tired.DS1 was very skinny and wore a nappy and DS2 wore pull ups. It wasn't every night.They used to go on residential and sleepovers; no one ever said anything and they knew that it was not their fault.You can medicate but I didn't feel the need to medicate for a normal developmental issue. I can see why some do though; it depends a lot on the child and whether it bothers them.
Your DSS is probably embarrassed and covering up with attitude.Even if he is just acting up this is secondary to distress of some sort. He is still young.
DH needs to support him by researching on ERIC website and by taking him to the GP to rule out medical problems.As stated above he can attend as a TR but as this can't be described as urgent your DH will probably have to make an appointment a few weeks hence. Different surgeries have different systems to manage the workload at the moment so your DH may have to go through econsult for himself or via email to the practice manager in order to arrange a consultation and it could be video or telephone in the first place.DH needs to help his son and put some effort in hear to improve everyone's quality of life.

Then whats the answer when he is at home for the remainder of year? He's not dry there either!

Well that's up to his mum not you

How does she not do everything? Dc stays with you a handful of times a year! Dh can't even make a gp appointment. 4 hours is not actually that bad even better when you are only doing it a handful of times a year yet mum still has to meet you of course she does everything!

This narrative that MN is routinely mean to stepmothers is nonsense. What usually happens is: stepmother appears bemoaning completely normal and/or reactive behaviour in children who have been royally pissed about by adults, expecting us to back her up in marginalising and short-changing them. MN responds with advice based on treating the stepchildren like actual children, responding to their needs and not punishing them for things that aren't their fault or making them scapegoats for their useless parents. Stepmother gets arsey because that's not what they wanted. Victim-bleating ensues.

My son had to have an operation on a 'wrongly plumbed' valve that lead from his bladder when he was five. He had annual check ups at the hospital until he was 16, one of the side effects was bed wetting.

He did bed wet until about the age of 13. The GP prescribed medication which helped massively.

You need to insist your DP takes him to the GP as a temporary patient. Although I suspect from what you've said that it's psychological, but he needs to be checked over.

It's not unusual for boys to not be dry at night until late, but get everything ruled out first.

BTW, I also second a truckle bed.

At 10 years old it's a problem that needs medical intervention. If mother refuses then father needs to step in

No he hasn't been to a physician. Interesting read on ERIK already.... just messaged mum and asked for a chat when they are on their way home later.

Thanks for the insight into missing hormone and other helpful nonjudgmental advise. Educating myself so i can help them

@sadpapercourtesan

This narrative that MN is routinely mean to stepmothers is nonsense. What usually happens is: stepmother appears bemoaning completely normal and/or reactive behaviour in children who have been royally pissed about by adults, expecting us to back her up in marginalising and short-changing them. MN responds with advice based on treating the stepchildren like actual children, responding to their needs and not punishing them for things that aren't their fault or making them scapegoats for their useless parents. Stepmother gets arsey because that's not what they wanted. Victim-bleating ensues.

There’s plenty of posters providing helpful information and support around the issue at hand. Then there’s a handful of posters berating the OP for things that are neither her fault nor in her control, seemingly only because she is a stepmother and they seem to be despised on here for some reason. Happens on every thread posted about a stepchild. The posters conceded tend to be mothers of children with stepparents or children with stepparents themselves and their views colour how they respond. There tends to be gaslighting of the OP, too.

Denying it won’t change it, if anything you’re just proving the point.

@crockpot29

No he hasn't been to a physician. Interesting read on ERIK already.... just messaged mum and asked for a chat when they are on their way home later.

Thanks for the insight into missing hormone and other helpful nonjudgmental advise. Educating myself so i can help them

Thats great and all but can't dad look into it and speak to mum. I don't get why you have to waste your headspace on their kids bladder issues.

If your serious gut-feeling feeling is that he's doing it through laziness then think about giving him a lidded 'piss bottle'* as a temporary measure. And if he can't control it and is using a 'story' to cover embarrassment, then you'll know it because he'll continue to piss the bed. But if he does use it, at least that will solve the odor and laundry problem. The bottle can be sanitized with hot water and bleach. I know it's a lazy way to deal with the problem but if his parents aren't going to deal with it what can you do?

The other thing, if you really feel he's doing this through laziness is to have him wash his own wet bedding. At 10 he is capable (with an adult watching or helping) of loading a washer and dryer AND of remaking the bed or folding the washed bedding. If he's doing it through laziness you have to make the 'after effect' more work than getting up and going to the loo.

*My DH does a lot of backwoods camping in all kinds of weather. He'll use a piss bottle rather than get out of his tent to piss in the middle of the night if the weather is bad.

@Bakewelltart987

How can he not know where his child lives? Does he not pick him up? Or is it his mums job to drop him off like its her job todo everything else. Seems you like making excuses and if dh was really arsed he would do something about it. FACT!

But if he does it at mums she's clearly doing nothing either! They are both equally as shit as each other!

@sadpapercourtesan

This narrative that MN is routinely mean to stepmothers is nonsense. What usually happens is: stepmother appears bemoaning completely normal and/or reactive behaviour in children who have been royally pissed about by adults, expecting us to back her up in marginalising and short-changing them. MN responds with advice based on treating the stepchildren like actual children, responding to their needs and not punishing them for things that aren't their fault or making them scapegoats for their useless parents. Stepmother gets arsey because that's not what they wanted. Victim-bleating ensues.

But you're "advising" blaming the wrong person. This child has two parents. Neither of them care enough to do anything about it. That is not on op.

Btw this is not normal behaviour.

I couldn't imagine being the OPS teenage son listening to dss wee in a bottle at night though @AcrossthePond55. Thats not going to be a nice experience for him.

You specifically asked what I would do, so this is what I would do (I'm a step mother)

1. Tell my husband that the problem has got to be dealt with via a GP. When my stepdaughter had very nasty and painful slap cheek and needed a prescription, my husband took her to our GP and they saw her no problem. (My stepchildren also live a few hours away with their mum.)
2. Talk to my stepson and say "You're going to be in big school soon and we need to get the problem sorted out. I know you say it's just because you can't be bothered but we aren't so sure and we just want to get it checked because we love you and want to make sure everything is working properly." Your husband, at the very least, should have this chat with your SS. In my house, I would say it too.
3. Get him a proper bed. Trundle, bunk etc. I know he isn't there for more than about 20% of all the nights in a year but still.

Curious... is it you or your husband that is clearing up after the accidents? I think my husband would have dealt with this directly a few years ago. But that's because he'd be the one clearing away the piddle! 😅

Hmm. My nephew always wet the bed up until 11 when he was taken to docs and found he had an impacted bowel, they sorted that out and overnight hed stopped wetting (he didn’t wet every night either). I’d defo take to docs. Good luck OP.

@crockpot29

Knew this post would bring out all the finger pointing unhelpful wenches.

Only want answers from people that have suggestions on what i can do to help.

Unhelpful wenches 🤣

My ds is 8 and under the incontinence team (he has disabilities)

Advice ive seen over the years, buy him pull ups to wear overnight. You can buy a watch that vibrates to wake him up to go.

A drs appointment too, they can prescribe medications.

This website is helpful.

www.eric.org.uk/Handlers/Download.ashx?IDMF=424dac2d-352a-4e31-80c0-2e55e402fb52