WWYD - DSS

[crockpot29]

NC just in case

My DSS is 10 and spends every school holiday with us. When he comes he stays on a blowup bed in my DS room who is a teenager.

Since i've met DSS he has wet the bed. I continuously bring it up with DH but he brushes it off and says he will grow out of it. His mum complains that he wets the bed and her house stinks because he hides it.

I don't have a relationship with her so all questions go through DH but i have asked has she never brought him to DR's to get checked as to my knowledge this isn't normal.

I used to be quite strict with him and would stop drinks late evening and wake him to go toilet like i would when my children were younger but then i started to feel like a evil stepmother because they make him do what the fuck he wants.

TBH it's really starting to piss me off because i think it could be managed if his lazy parents wake him to go piss or put some consequences in place. Mum at home spoils him with gaming devices and when he comes here granted it's holiday but he spends 10 hours a day on them (ipad, switch, laptop) she sends them all - at home he also has gaming pc and playstation.

Just a rant really but what would you do?

I'm pretty sure 10yr old boys aren't fussed about blow up beds. My ds is 14 and although he has two beds in his room to choose from (bunk bed) he sleeps on the floor most nights. It does my head in but he gets up and gets on the floor. I do carpet clean his carpet every few weeks.

I think that no one on MN will know whether he does it on purpose or not. He could well be that lazy and so his dad needs to tell him to wear pull ups if that's the case. But his dad should register him as a temporary patient and get him checked out. He could have an undetected UTI, it could be hormones or it could be laziness. Either way I'd be really unhappy about your dp not doing anything about this!

Funny isn’t it, that MNers pointing out the inadequacies in your DSS’s care are “finger pointing unhelpful wenches” when what is being pointed out to you are failings that result in neglect of DSS’s needs, and are very likely contributing to the bed wetting. The closed relationship with you is leading him to (possibly) lie and pretend, or to feel such inertia that he’d rather wet his bed than go to the toilet. Whichever it is, it is creating a barrier to him getting the problem solved. A properly-parented child would either have his emotional needs securely met and wouldn’t have maladaptive behaviour, or would be having medical needs such as hormone deficiencies appropriately tended to.

Pointing out that his lack of a bed is a problem isn’t an attack on you, it’s telling you that the child should be secure, have some space to call his own and take ownership of and pride in. You really should be able to join the dots and understand why that’s important, for the bed wetting issue and in general.

It can’t have seriously never have occurred to you that this child could be taken to either his own, or your local GP? That you couldn’t speak to a charity or organisation and implement some proper strategies? That you couldn’t get advice from school, social services. Strangers are advocating for this child better than you and your DH seem to be.

OP, you clearly feel like you're getting a hard time here, but actually some of your replies are rude and you are missing some suggestions that could be helpful to you.

Pp's have said that this isn't uncommon in 10 year old boys.

That perhaps he is not being lazy or naughty and is instead ashamed and would rather be thought of as lazy or naughty rather than unable to control his bladder.

That you (or perhaps more importantly his father) could seek medical support through your gp or one of the charities.

That if he spends so much time at yours, having something more than a blow up bed would be appropriate.

Now, there are space saving options, but assuming the blow up bed is a good and comfortable one, you and he may be satisfied with this. A blow up bed sounds more comfortable than a "soldier type bed" to me. I assume that you have suitable cotton covered waterproof sheets and duvet protectors to protect things and help with some of the cleaning.

Does he wet every night? Or just sometimes during the visits?

Is your dh happy with his gaming time? Who does all the laundry and bed changing?

It comes across as you being fed up with the lack of parenting and boundaries that your dh (and perhaps his ex) have in place and that you are frustrated at having to be the one trying to deal with the consequences of this.

It sounds shit for you.

But I don't think that's the 10 year olds fault.

Could you get him one of those chamber pots?

I think the OP feels quite attacked as this isn't her fault. This is her dps and his ex parenting that has resulted in this.

Also he doesn't need a place that's his for the very short amount he spends with them. That's putting adult needs on a child. Dc sleep on blow up beds when camping or having sleepovers all over the UK.

If he really did want his own space for the few weeks he spends there then again that's on his dad and not on the OP. She probably does feel pretty attacked for something that ultimately isn't her responsibility or issues that she has caused. She's the one on here asking for help, her dp isn't.

Bunk beds and trickle beds take up exactly the same floor space as the existing bed which your ds sleeps in. So 'no space' clearly isn't true.

Maybe for some reason can't think but it's actually his s##t routine use have come up with maybe he needs structure and a good routine he needs a bloody bed would you like sleeping on a blow up mattress in a house you barely visit poor kid probably feels out off place!

Poor child.

But...why are you so angry about this? While I can understand you being upset for DSS, this isn't your problem. It is your DH's and his ex's problem since it's their child. You can be sympathetic to your DSS and suggest things to your DH but ultimately if he's a neglectful parent, you need to decide whether you want to stay with him.

If the reason you're so angry is because you're the one that's having to clean up when DSS has an accident (or your DH isn't cleaning up properly so everything smells), then that's a different matter entirely. Be angry with your DH not DSS. He should be cleaning up after his child not you.

Swap the boys around. Have your DS sleep on the blow-up mattress on contact days and put a rubber sheet on the bed for DSS then post again next month when it's still happening. Maybe you'll get less "u is a evil step-mother" replies.

@Bakewelltart987

Maybe for some reason can't think but it's actually his s##t routine use have come up with maybe he needs structure and a good routine he needs a bloody bed would you like sleeping on a blow up mattress in a house you barely visit poor kid probably feels out off place!

His dad and mum can get him into a routine. But yeah may move if you can't fit in a proper bed.

He might grow out of it if he's just being lazy. But take him to the drs in case first.

@BadNomad

Swap the boys around. Have your DS sleep on the blow-up mattress on contact days and put a rubber sheet on the bed for DSS then post again next month when it's still happening. Maybe you'll get less "u is a evil step-mother" replies.

So DS has to have a piss soaked bed?

I've just come home from a Y6 residential with boys the same age as your DSS. Some of them are terribly lazy! Most don't brush their teeth unless prompted and only a handful of girls and 2 boys could make their own bed. It's poor parenting.
I would take him to the doctors just to rule out any bladder issues, he is probably embarrassed.

So DS has to have a piss soaked bed?

Mumsnet demands it. The root of the problem is the blow-up mattress apparently.

How can he not know where his child lives? Does he not pick him up? Or is it his mums job to drop him off like its her job todo everything else. Seems you like making excuses and if dh was really arsed he would do something about it. FACT!

@BadNomad

So DS has to have a piss soaked bed?

Mumsnet demands it. The root of the problem is the blow-up mattress apparently.

The blow up bed is not the problem the lack of stability/structure/routine and his dad not parenting is the problem!

Poor child. It's either a physical health problem or a mental health one. Alarm bells at their parenting are ringing if they haven't taken him to the doctor's. What on earth is your husband thinking of? How can you respect your husband for not taking this seriously?

Yes I definitely am feeling like i'm being attacked hence my 'aggressive' replies. When the blowup bed is down there is no space to walk. They have to push it up to get in the wardrobe. Therefore a permanent bed will not do it and is not the cause for the wetting.

I have a very good relationship with DSS and he has said he can't be bothered to get up at both homes.

I definitely think my partner can play a bigger role but he doesn't go against anything the ex says for whatever reason. She wants him out of pullups because she felt he may stop doing it.

No it's not every night. Maybe 3/7. He gets up and changes pj's which is why i know. I don't check the bed as soon as he wakes up. Today he pulled the sheet off and asked me to wash it. It's not a secret.

Yes, i have used the sheet things before but admittedly we don't regularly buy them.

He is very comfortable here and around us and has asked if he could stay here longer on numerous occasions, so stop acting like it's horrid here and i'm the cause. I love him like he's my own child and he calls me a few times a week for chit chats.

I've seen the responses regarding the helpful web pages and will have a read through them for advise. Thanks

Will delete this app now. Online bullying is awful

My ds is 11 and still wets the bed every night, there are plenty of preventative measures you can put in place to not have a stinking mattress, so the lack of a bed for the child is shocking.

Also my ds wets because he is lacks a hormone that the bladder produces in the night to let you know that you need to get up and pee, he now takes medication for this but still often wets and is really embarrassed by it.
Your Dh or his mum needs to get him checked by a doctor, because all of the things you have said you're doing is actually going to make things worse ie getting him up in the middle of the night, it doesn't work and that is proven advice from the ERIK website and doctors that my own ds has seen.

If either of you are really that concerned I suggest you get onto a doctor asap, look on the ERIK website for better advice also have a look on ebay for a bed wetting alarm, you can pick these up fairly cheap and also get the boy a bed!

@Bakewelltart987

How can he not know where his child lives? Does he not pick him up? Or is it his mums job to drop him off like its her job todo everything else. Seems you like making excuses and if dh was really arsed he would do something about it. FACT!

No they meet at the station because its such a long journey. Silly comment. How does she do everything?

@QuicklyGoSlowly

My ds is 11 and still wets the bed every night, there are plenty of preventative measures you can put in place to not have a stinking mattress, so the lack of a bed for the child is shocking.

Also my ds wets because he is lacks a hormone that the bladder produces in the night to let you know that you need to get up and pee, he now takes medication for this but still often wets and is really embarrassed by it.
Your Dh or his mum needs to get him checked by a doctor, because all of the things you have said you're doing is actually going to make things worse ie getting him up in the middle of the night, it doesn't work and that is proven advice from the ERIK website and doctors that my own ds has seen.

If either of you are really that concerned I suggest you get onto a doctor asap, look on the ERIK website for better advice also have a look on ebay for a bed wetting alarm, you can pick these up fairly cheap and also get the boy a bed!

If it doesn't work like that how are toddlers trained? Did you not put them on the toilet before bed during and when the wake up in morning. Interesting. Meds for life?

And mum is also correct in not wanting him to wear pull ups as again, although they stop the bed getting wet it parents the child from actually getting up and going to the toilet or knowing that they've wet.

Jesus this thread is toxic. The word stepmother is like a red rag to a spiteful bull on here with some posters.

Two separate things here.

The bed wetting needs a medical assessment. It may be hormonal. It may be psychological or physiological. But you will never know or be able to treat it effectively until he is assessed. DH needs to make a temp GP appointment a priority for his son’s next visit.

In the meantime, pull-ups and/or an alarm may help, although latter not good for a shared room.

Non-stop gaming is lazy parenting. You can’t control what happens at his mum’s but you can at your home. So DH should set some boundaries and spend some quality time with him, outdoors and in. Better still, he leaves all (or all but one) of the gadgets at his mum’s when he visits. It won’t be easy but it’s worth doing to create a healthier outlook.

i wet the bed til i was 12 then it just.. stopped, wierdly enough

@T00Ts

Jesus this thread is toxic. The word stepmother is like a red rag to a spiteful bull on here with some posters.

It's literally awful.

I've been a silent reader on this app for a while and see some posters really enjoy this