WWYD - DSS

[crockpot29]

NC just in case

My DSS is 10 and spends every school holiday with us. When he comes he stays on a blowup bed in my DS room who is a teenager.

Since i've met DSS he has wet the bed. I continuously bring it up with DH but he brushes it off and says he will grow out of it. His mum complains that he wets the bed and her house stinks because he hides it.

I don't have a relationship with her so all questions go through DH but i have asked has she never brought him to DR's to get checked as to my knowledge this isn't normal.

I used to be quite strict with him and would stop drinks late evening and wake him to go toilet like i would when my children were younger but then i started to feel like a evil stepmother because they make him do what the fuck he wants.

TBH it's really starting to piss me off because i think it could be managed if his lazy parents wake him to go piss or put some consequences in place. Mum at home spoils him with gaming devices and when he comes here granted it's holiday but he spends 10 hours a day on them (ipad, switch, laptop) she sends them all - at home he also has gaming pc and playstation.

Just a rant really but what would you do?

Trundles really don't take up anymore space than I'm assuming a single blow up bed!

As many have pointed out there is no issue with having a child sleep on a blow up bed as a temporary measure, if for instance their bed is broken or whatever. But as a permanent solution for a child that stays over regularly and is meant to be apart of the family it isn't on.

I'm not bashing the op because she's a stepmum and know that not everyone lives in a mansion, but it really isn't on. I have had this issue with my own dcs father and their stepmum who would make my bedwetting dc sleep on the floor with black bags incase he wet the mattress!
Needless to say my dc no longer stay over there as their father refused to stand up for his son and purchase a proper bed for him to sleep in using all the preventative measures I do in my own home for him.

I know it's a difficult situation to deal with but my dc has a mattress that I paid over £300 for. I left the plastic on and also use rubber sheets, it gets sprayed with disinfectant everyday after he has wet and all duvets get washed at least twice a week.
It's a poor excuse and his parents need to start parenting their child and taking full responsibility for his health and wellbeing.

People are still unhelpfully obsessing about this bed thing huh. Betcha if you get him a bed there will then be outrage that you're making him share a room when he should actually have a room of his own in his 2nd home etc.

FYI OP my dc sometimes sleep on a blow up bed at their dads. Their dad has a lot of children and only a 2 bed house. They don't have their own room there. Sometimes they sleep on a blow up bed, sometimes on a sofa bed, sometimes in one of the beds, sometimes dd sleeps with her little sister in their dads bed. I don't give a shit. My dc don't give a shit. They don't feel unwelcome because they don't have their own beds or rooms. They enjoy going over to visit their dad and don't see his house as their home. This does not impact their relationship with their dad whatsoever and has not damaged their development. When we were together 7 years ago his dc slept on the sofa bed/blow up bed/topped and tailed with their siblings. Everyone had fun.

I don't get the obsession on MN that step dc must have double of what they have at their home, with their mum, to prevent life long rejection issues when they're not 50/50.

OP you clearly have a good relationship with your DSS. You are within your rights to be royally hacked off that the pissy sheets continue, and more so, that neither parent to this poor boy can be arsed to help. Of course your rightful irritation has brought out a predictable tribe of stepmum haters who are quick to declare the kids mum as a veritable saint.

Step mums cannot do right for doing wrong. You’re doing right though here.

You’re the only adult of the three who is looking at this. Kudos to you. This boy is lucky to have the relationship with you. I hope that you can get some constructive impetus going now.

1. Your dh could take him to the doctors by booking time off work, going there and doing it
2. Speak to your dh about his sins screentime and agree a timetable for him for the holidays, including DSS going out, exercising etc

3 get him pull ups, if there is no medical reason 4 at 10 he is old enough to put his own bedding in the washing machine and do the washing

Just read your updated that DSS says he has no sensation of wetting at night . I would definitely book him an appointment at the GP. I would ask him if he will use pull-ups so he's dry at night. I would let him know it's not his fault and you want him to see the GP so they can help him . He's obviously comfortable opening up to you about it . As for his screen time I would limit this when he's with you lots of family activities, games ect .

Op I feel for you this would drive me mad.

I don't think this happens by accident with what I've read.

Has DSS got any autism/ sensory needs/ delays etc as I'm wondering if it's the sensation he likes?

Or is it control? Does he have much say about things at home / does his mum listen to his needs and meet them?

Through work I've known kids with problems do this and some lazy who will openly say they'd rather be wet than get up.

With that in mind what about asking him about having pads to wear/ give him something to wee in so he can stay in bed. I say this thinking his response would reveal his thoughts- does he want to be known for wearing the bed as pads/ a bottle he'd sort himself so even though not stopped it's not as much as a thing as wetting the bed.

Finally I wonder (weather it's accidental or not) is he scared? Nightmares? Has he been harmed/ abused (god forbid) in the past and so being wet would put someone off?
I know that's rough end and unlikely but I'm really trying to think of everything...

Maybe a counsellor at school as like I say there could be deeper issues than he tells you.

Good luck.

How come he doesn’t stay with you much in the holidays, surely you should have more time with him if you don’t see him outside holiday time?

@crockpot29 - there is a medical condition called Encopresis. This happens when babies who are toilet training (or slightly older kids) either hold onto their poo, or become so severely constipated that they stretch their bowel. This can cause faecal incontinence (which kids often grow out of) but it can also paralyse the nerves that send the impulse to go to the loo (for either excretion) to the brain. I am not sure if you were around during his toilet training years, but the doctor may need to ask your DH questions about this. If he doesn’t know, he needs to ask his ex rather than just say that everything was normal.

@TuscanApothecary

FYI OP my dc sometimes sleep on a blow up bed at their dads. Their dad has a lot of children and only a 2 bed house. They don't have their own room there. Sometimes they sleep on a blow up bed, sometimes on a sofa bed, sometimes in one of the beds, sometimes dd sleeps with her little sister in their dads bed. I don't give a shit. My dc don't give a shit. They don't feel unwelcome because they don't have their own beds or rooms. They enjoy going over to visit their dad and don't see his house as their home. This does not impact their relationship with their dad whatsoever and has not damaged their development. When we were together 7 years ago his dc slept on the sofa bed/blow up bed/topped and tailed with their siblings. Everyone had fun.

I don't get the obsession on MN that step dc must have double of what they have at their home, with their mum, to prevent life long rejection issues when they're not 50/50.

Agreed! Thank you. That's exactly how our home is especially when we have nieces and nephews over for a night too. The kids love it x

@LatentPhase

OP you clearly have a good relationship with your DSS. You are within your rights to be royally hacked off that the pissy sheets continue, and more so, that neither parent to this poor boy can be arsed to help. Of course your rightful irritation has brought out a predictable tribe of stepmum haters who are quick to declare the kids mum as a veritable saint.

Step mums cannot do right for doing wrong. You’re doing right though here.

You’re the only adult of the three who is looking at this. Kudos to you. This boy is lucky to have the relationship with you. I hope that you can get some constructive impetus going now.

Appreciate your support and kind words, thank you x

@Laura0729

Op I feel for you this would drive me mad.

I don't think this happens by accident with what I've read.

Has DSS got any autism/ sensory needs/ delays etc as I'm wondering if it's the sensation he likes?

Or is it control? Does he have much say about things at home / does his mum listen to his needs and meet them?

Through work I've known kids with problems do this and some lazy who will openly say they'd rather be wet than get up.

With that in mind what about asking him about having pads to wear/ give him something to wee in so he can stay in bed. I say this thinking his response would reveal his thoughts- does he want to be known for wearing the bed as pads/ a bottle he'd sort himself so even though not stopped it's not as much as a thing as wetting the bed.

Finally I wonder (weather it's accidental or not) is he scared? Nightmares? Has he been harmed/ abused (god forbid) in the past and so being wet would put someone off?
I know that's rough end and unlikely but I'm really trying to think of everything...

Maybe a counsellor at school as like I say there could be deeper issues than he tells you.

Good luck.

No SEN needs. I thought so a few years back as he wasn't on the grade expected for his age but he turned it around and showing much more confidence and in his reading etc

@Laura0729

Op I feel for you this would drive me mad.

I don't think this happens by accident with what I've read.

Has DSS got any autism/ sensory needs/ delays etc as I'm wondering if it's the sensation he likes?

Or is it control? Does he have much say about things at home / does his mum listen to his needs and meet them?

Through work I've known kids with problems do this and some lazy who will openly say they'd rather be wet than get up.

With that in mind what about asking him about having pads to wear/ give him something to wee in so he can stay in bed. I say this thinking his response would reveal his thoughts- does he want to be known for wearing the bed as pads/ a bottle he'd sort himself so even though not stopped it's not as much as a thing as wetting the bed.

Finally I wonder (weather it's accidental or not) is he scared? Nightmares? Has he been harmed/ abused (god forbid) in the past and so being wet would put someone off?
I know that's rough end and unlikely but I'm really trying to think of everything...

Maybe a counsellor at school as like I say there could be deeper issues than he tells you.

Good luck.

Also no harm or abuse. Apart from this issue, i have no complaints about his mum and SD. Mum is very loving to a point i think she babies him x

[quote Justilou1]@crockpot29 - there is a medical condition called Encopresis. This happens when babies who are toilet training (or slightly older kids) either hold onto their poo, or become so severely constipated that they stretch their bowel. This can cause faecal incontinence (which kids often grow out of) but it can also paralyse the nerves that send the impulse to go to the loo (for either excretion) to the brain. I am not sure if you were around during his toilet training years, but the doctor may need to ask your DH questions about this. If he doesn’t know, he needs to ask his ex rather than just say that everything was normal.[/quote]
Thank you, think someone else mentioned this too. I will pass it on thank you x

With my relative it was a problem until they hit puberty, then some hormone just kicks in. (Sorry I'm too tired to Google) anyway good luck

Name changed for this

I have a sibling group of foster children who have lived with me for many years.

Each of them would wet the bed most nights up until about 14 years old when it pretty much stopped on it's own. The youngest is just 14 and it's getting less.

They've all been under the enuresis clinic for years and I feel I'm an expert on what to do! However, whatever was suggested never worked.

Don't drink late at night
Don't drink blackcurrant or fizzy drinks
Have a first wee about 15 minutes before bed
Ten minutes later sit on the toilet (even boys), really relax, and try again to get every last drop out

They've had bed wetting alarms
Kept diaries
Had desmomelt tablets

Nothing really has helped

It's embarrassing for them and my youngest tries to hide it. I've told them to just put the wet bedding next to the washing machine and we don't even need to talk about it. He says he's dry though but he's clearly not and his room can get smelly.

Until fairly recently he would wear pull ups at night. They've all had waterproof mattresses and still do.

Basically, teenagers generally grow out of it when their hormones kick it.

It can be frustrating but sometimes there is not much else you can do!

We had this until early teens with both DD and DSS, no rewards, punishments, persuasion or treatments worked. It was down to sensory issues, your DSS may well be telling the truth when he says he simply doesn't feel it.

In your shoes I would take him to the doctors to make sure there is no medical issue as PP have suggested. If you explain to your doctor about DSS staying with his father in the holidays I'm sure they will see him. But it may be a case of having to accept that it is going to be this way until early teens - it does stop eventually, here it seemed to coincide with puberty as another PP said.

In the meantime what we did to make nights/clean up easier was put on a waterproof mattress protector, then a sheet, then another waterproof mattress protector and another sheet. Same treatment for pillows, and a spare duvet in a cover ready in the airing cupboard. If anyone was wet at night we could just take off the first set of bedding, change PJs, replace duvet if necessary, then get back to bed with minimum fuss. The second waterproofs still kept the mattress dry if there was a second accident (rare but possible). Washed what needed washing next day and put the bed back together again. Keeps any urine off the mattress/pillows, stops the smell, and gets rid of a lot of stress for all concerned. I think that would still work with an airbed?

With the space issue could your son's room take a high sleeper, with a fold out chair bed and desk under it? DS gets a comfy chair and a desk in term time, and there's a bed for DSS in the holidays without filling the floor.

Good luck with it all, I hope you manage to find something to help your DSS.

OP while I don't like the wenches comments etc, I also applaud you for being the only adult in his life who is looking to help him with this. I've been there myself as a step mum (not bed wetting but other stuff) and I know it's hard as it really isn't your responsibility and you don't have the power to actually deal with it yourself (by which I mean you don't have authority as a parent to say see a GP with him yourself) and I know it's MADDENING! So best of luck and please never give up on trying to help him!

I hope the pediatrician or urologist can help your stepson with this problem.