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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Childcare

88 replies

hmmmmm123 · 07/02/2022 14:13

Just want others opinions on this please.

Half term is coming up. OH and SD mum split all school holidays. OH is having SD first half of the weeks holiday which he has arranged childcare for and then booked holiday to be with SD. We both work full time.

SD mum is having her the other half.

I am off work on the Friday of half term (Friday her mum has SD) but I am also off on the Monday which is a teacher training day (didn't realise till now - I try book my annual
leave on the days OH doesn't have SD)

I have made plans to see my sister for the day but I just know her mum will say she can't have her on the Monday due to work (happens every time) and if OH can arrange some form of child care. Fine but this form of child care will be me.

So can I say no? Or is this a responsibility I take on now I am with someone with a child?

OP posts:

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AnneLovesGilbert · 07/02/2022 14:17

Of course you can say no! Why wouldn’t you? You have plans therefore are not available as childcare. Even if you didn’t have plans you wouldn’t be available unless you expressly asked to be.

There are two parents. You’re not either.

You can be sure if you wanted to go to parents evening, take her for a hair cut or plan her birthday you wouldn’t be considered an equal parent. So why would you when they need a favour?

excelledyourself · 07/02/2022 14:27

Of course you can say no.

You said OH has arranged childcare for his days. Mum can do the same. And even if she can't, that's not your issue. They sort it however they would have, have they still been together, she was a lone parent... whatever.

QuirkyTurtle · 07/02/2022 15:13

The Monday after half term? Whose turn is it with SD that day?

In any case, surely it's not up to you to organise childcare? You've got plans and her parents didn't plan sufficiently so they can make alternative plans.

Original poster

hmmmmm123 · 07/02/2022 15:21

Thanks for your replies. I just don't want to come across as mean and making things awkward but I was quite looking forward to a day off just me doing what I want to do.

In regards to whose Monday is it , it is technically part of the half term so I'm not sure how it works. But if it wasn't then SD mum would drop her off at school that morning and it would be OH day for pick up after school.

OP posts:

Onlyrainbows · 07/02/2022 15:28

This has happened to me more than once, if I had a social event (like you do) I wouldn't mind so much. They've arranged I looked after my DSD when I'm WFH last time it happened I said it would be the last time as I couldn't do both and ultimately it's a favour and NOT my responsibility.

Beamur · 07/02/2022 15:33

Childcare is primarily for your OH to both organise and cover. Not you.
When DH had his kids, he looked after them. Not me.
I would help out in an emergency but please do not assume you have any default care here - say no. The fact that you're doing something social instead is neither here nor there. Don't start getting sucked into doing this unless you actively want to. Contact time is for the children to spend with their parent. Not to facilitate the other parent to work/go out etc. Always bear that in mind.

Whatonearth07957 · 07/02/2022 17:25

Get in there early with DH and say if this happens you won't be available

Marmm · 07/02/2022 18:13

@Whatonearth07957

Get in there early with DH and say if this happens you won't be available

I'd do this

Lalala1 · 07/02/2022 23:02

No you have no responsibility to look after her if you don’t want to it’s your choice
As to who sorts childcare that depends on wether it’s your OHs day or DMs day? But it’s not in your shoulders I’d speak to your OH now about it

Kbyodjs · 08/02/2022 06:34

Yes you can say no and if it doesn’t work for you then do say no.

Kbyodjs · 08/02/2022 06:35

I’ve taken days off to have DSD during DHs time with her but if I’ve already got plans then I don’t cancel them. The teacher training days are on the school calendar from at least September (normally earlier) so the fact that they haven’t checked and got something arranged is on them

Harlequin1088 · 08/02/2022 08:36

Definitely not your job to provide childcare. I love my stepsons dearly but there’s absolutely no way I’d be looking after them if my partner couldn’t. Not my job and once you do it once, it all of a sudden becomes your job and starts to take the piss.

KylieKoKo · 10/02/2022 11:48

Of course you can say no, even if you didn't have plans.

I don't think it's unreasonable for the mum to ask the child's father to have her if she can't but it's for them to sort out between them. It's nothing to do with you.

I don't even know when the DSCs inset days and half terms are unless DP has made specific plans at those times that involve me! It's not my mental load to carry.

AndSoFinally · 12/02/2022 06:24

We take it in turns to sort inset days, as they tend to fall disproportionately on Mondays so would be unfair to the parent that usually has Mondays otherwise.

Whether it's DH's turn or DM's turn doesn't obligate you to provide the child care in any case!

NeesAndToes · 12/02/2022 07:12

My set up is like @KylieKoKo in that the half terms and stuff are on the calendar but I don't really pay attention. It's nothing to do with me sometimes I don't even look at the calendar and the first I realise is when they are here.

MeridianB · 12/02/2022 07:43

I don’t understand how this can keep happening. Terms dates are available way in advance, and presumably your DP and his ex agree the holiday split in advance. So why is the mother allowed to repeatedly claim she cannot do her share at the last minute?

Surely if she does this again, your DP needs to tell her she has to arrange her own childcare. If he’s helping her find cover that’s nice of him. But you should be nowhere near the equation!

I agree with PP that you should head this off now.

Original poster

hmmmmm123 · 12/02/2022 14:03

Thanks for all your replies and glad you all agreed and I can say no!!

I have told OH that I am off work on those days and have plans on the Monday and there was no mention of having SD. So he knows now and it's not my issue!

I wouldn't usually know there was a teacher training day but as I was off I just double checked as I knew it was half term week and sometimes I do the collection from school.

I will let them work it out between them

OP posts:

jimmyjammy001 · 13/02/2022 03:34

I would say yes and no.
No because its your day off regardless if its teacher training day and even if you didn't have plans I still would say no if I didn't want to do it.
And yes you are dating someone with children so will have to pitch in every now and then otherwise you may come across as selfish and resentment may build up if you have a day off doing what you want and partner can't because they have got childcare duties.

Dyrene · 13/02/2022 07:53

I don’t think it’s at all reasonable for a NRP to be resentful that they’re having to look after their own children and someone who never had kids isn’t doing it for them.

The expectation that you must sometimes ‘do your bit’ and ‘pitch in’ is not fair to stepparents. It’s what creates resentment- forgetting that they are not obligated and are doing the parent a big favour.

No one would think it reasonable if your husband expected you to pitch in and help with the bits of his job that aren’t convenient to him. But somehow you’re supposed to have agreed to be his childcare if he’s got kids and neither of their parents want to look after them at any given moment.

NeesAndToes · 13/02/2022 08:01

@jimmyjammy001

I would say yes and no. No because its your day off regardless if its teacher training day and even if you didn't have plans I still would say no if I didn't want to do it. And yes you are dating someone with children so will have to pitch in every now and then otherwise you may come across as selfish and resentment may build up if you have a day off doing what you want and partner can't because they have got childcare duties.

No you don't have to pitch in and help. They are not OP's kids and her partner is a nasty piece of work if it resents her not looking after his kids.

NeesAndToes · 13/02/2022 08:02

resentment may build up if you have a day off doing what you want and partner can't because they have got childcare duties. partner knew the deal when they had children. And when they got with someone who wasn't the parent of their children.

TicTacHoh · 13/02/2022 08:04

And yes you are dating someone with children so will have to pitch in every now and then otherwise you may come across as selfish and resentment may build up if you have a day off doing what you want and partner can't because they have got childcare duties.

No, no, no, you don't have to pitch in, OP.
Nip this in the bud now.

whysoserious123 · 13/02/2022 08:09

You only pitch in IF YOU WANT TO!

If you didn't have plans and want to then great but you do have plans and YOU DO NOT EVER HAVE TO LOOK AFTER SOMEONE ELSES CHILD ...ever ever ever !

As other poster has said make it clear now and nip this in the bud ! .. I did and it's the best situation because I have only looked after DSC once on my own in 8 years and that was because DH got called into work and we couldn't get hold of DSCs mother

Dyrene · 13/02/2022 08:20

To be fair, the OP has sorted this and will not be spending the teacher training day as unpaid childcare.

It’s more the idea that having a relationship with a man with children somehow obligates you to provide him and his ex with childcare whenever it suits them, and that it might be at all reasonable for them to resent you for not doing it that is the problem. It reoccurs all over the stepparenting boards.

Seriously, I think the term ‘stepmother’ is so problematic. A term with no hint of motherhood in it would be much more appropriate. Genuinely, I think ‘dad’s wife’ is a much better term because it properly indicates what the relationship is and where any obligations lie.

DaisyMum40 · 13/02/2022 09:41

@Dyrene

To be fair, the OP has sorted this and will not be spending the teacher training day as unpaid childcare.

Fair points I think. There's a difference between being a fully involved step parent and being dad's girlfriend/wife and maintaining that boundary. Anyone in a relationship with someone who is already a parent has a choice how they live their own lives. But if you want to be an involved and respected step parent and have this place in a child's life then it can't be all take the nice bits but not do any of the work. I don't think any of the posters here would entertain a "step mother" in their child's life who saw it as a one way street and wasn't willing to make some sort of personal sacrifice and just said "not my problem". (And I'm talking generally, not picking out the OP). The clue is in the name step PARENT. It's totally fine to not want to do any parenting, no obligation to do so whatsoever. Not your children, not your problem. That means you are therefore dad's girlfriend/wife - not the child's stepmother. If that's what you want to be, then be clear about that so that everyone is on the same page.

To be clear, it's always the responsibility of the two parents to arrange school holiday cover and these dates are always known well in advance so not sure why these two have dropped the ball. And in any case, the OP wasn't even asked so it's all a moot point. But, in my view, the term "stepmother" has to be earned, you don't just get it automatically by being married to/in a relationship with someone who is already a parent.

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