Childcare

[hmmmmm123]

Just want others opinions on this please.

Half term is coming up. OH and SD mum split all school holidays. OH is having SD first half of the weeks holiday which he has arranged childcare for and then booked holiday to be with SD. We both work full time.

SD mum is having her the other half.

I am off work on the Friday of half term (Friday her mum has SD) but I am also off on the Monday which is a teacher training day (didn't realise till now - I try book my annual
leave on the days OH doesn't have SD)

I have made plans to see my sister for the day but I just know her mum will say she can't have her on the Monday due to work (happens every time) and if OH can arrange some form of child care. Fine but this form of child care will be me.

So can I say no? Or is this a responsibility I take on now I am with someone with a child?

What is within your control as a SM where everyone wants to treat you like the unpaid help (but not let you use the front door - servants entrance for you) is mostly to decide that you aren’t doing it.

The thing about ‘helping’ with these kind of parents is they don’t recognise that you don’t have to do it and they will take the piss.

Telling people they should just suck it up and concentrate on what they can control (while maintaining a focus on what’s best for other people’s children) is just telling them to put up with it and be grateful they’re allowed to be in the presence of the children at all.

@Dyrene

What is within your control as a SM where everyone wants to treat you like the unpaid help (but not let you use the front door - servants entrance for you) is mostly to decide that you aren’t doing it.

The thing about ‘helping’ with these kind of parents is they don’t recognise that you don’t have to do it and they will take the piss.

Telling people they should just suck it up and concentrate on what they can control (while maintaining a focus on what’s best for other people’s children) is just telling them to put up with it and be grateful they’re allowed to be in the presence of the children at all.

I've never said anything about helping the parents, if you care to go back and read, my focus has been on helping the child. If doing that brings you so much mental anguish then don't do it. I'm not a punching bag for the hatred you feel towards the mother, so stop picking arguments when I'm trying to point out why a step parent can be a positive thing in a child's life. Go and deal with your anger issues elsewhere.

Jesus wept.

You know that’s the ‘won’t anyone think of the children?’ argument, don’t you? Except the children’s parents, who somehow aren’t responsible. Maybe they should think of their children and arrange their work so they can look after them on teacher training days.

It’s not hatred towards the mother to not be her unpaid skivvy (when it suits her). Just as it’s not hatred towards your partner to say: they’re you’re children so it’s your responsibility. It’s a relationship, not a charitable act for someone else’s children.

One of the biggest things that causes stress is a situation where you have no control over things, but have all sorts of expectations placed on you. That destroys people’s mental health.

@Dyrene

Jesus wept.

You know that’s the ‘won’t anyone think of the children?’ argument, don’t you? Except the children’s parents, who somehow aren’t responsible. Maybe they should think of their children and arrange their work so they can look after them on teacher training days.

It’s not hatred towards the mother to not be her unpaid skivvy (when it suits her). Just as it’s not hatred towards your partner to say: they’re you’re children so it’s your responsibility. It’s a relationship, not a charitable act for someone else’s children.

One of the biggest things that causes stress is a situation where you have no control over things, but have all sorts of expectations placed on you. That destroys people’s mental health.

Go and find someone else to pick an argument with.

Why are you on stepparenting threads telling stepparents to be grateful they’re allowed to be a positive influence on a child and to suck everything else up because that’s all that matters?

Maybe I’ll go on to the relationship threads and tell people to be grateful that their husband pays the bills, regardless that he’s having an affair. Having a house is good for the children and that’s the important think. You just need to suck up being treated poorly.

@Dyrene

Why are you on stepparenting threads telling stepparents to be grateful they’re allowed to be a positive influence on a child and to suck everything else up because that’s all that matters?

Maybe I’ll go on to the relationship threads and tell people to be grateful that their husband pays the bills, regardless that he’s having an affair. Having a house is good for the children and that’s the important think. You just need to suck up being treated poorly.

You do that. I'm sure starting more unnecessary arguments with random people on Mumsnet will do your mental health a power of good.

I don’t think it IS unnecessary to challenge the toxic bullshit peddled on stepparenting on MN.

People do look or post on here at the end of their tether with situations where they’re given loads of responsibility but no control, and the ‘think of the children’ card is used against them to prevent them putting appropriate boundaries in place.

Giving them a pat on the back and telling them that their expectations are just wrong is a hideous thing to do to someone.

It doesn’t seem obvious to me that a teacher training day should be treated as part of the holidays. Your oh and his ex need to have a conversation about who is responsible for childcare that day. No obligation for you to provide child care outside the normal give and take of your relationship with your OH if it is decided to be his responsibility.

@Dyrene

I don’t think it IS unnecessary to challenge the toxic bullshit peddled on stepparenting on MN.

People do look or post on here at the end of their tether with situations where they’re given loads of responsibility but no control, and the ‘think of the children’ card is used against them to prevent them putting appropriate boundaries in place.

Giving them a pat on the back and telling them that their expectations are just wrong is a hideous thing to do to someone.

Take it up with the two parents! Direct your anger to them, not me. I'm not your enemy.

I think they should agree in advance an equal share of the inset days and either book ’their’ inset days off or book child care. In your shoes I wouldn’t cancel my social plans, if SD was ill or something unforeseen kind of emergency I would. But I do think it’s unreasonable for your OH to assume his ex will take all the inset days without discussion or for ex to suddenly expect your OH to be available. They need a plan.

But you, with your just be grateful you have the opportunity to be a positive influence for the children (they are what matters, after all) argument ARE one manifestation of the problem on this board.

It’s the other side of the ex-SC with an axe to grind poster problem. More patronising but no less problematic.

@Dyrene

But you, with your just be grateful you have the opportunity to be a positive influence for the children (they are what matters, after all) argument ARE one manifestation of the problem on this board.

It’s the other side of the ex-SC with an axe to grind poster problem. More patronising but no less problematic.

What's a problem on this board is people who would pick an argument with their own shadow then blame everyone else for their mental health issues.

Pot and kettle @DaisyMum40!