Childcare

[hmmmmm123]

Just want others opinions on this please.

Half term is coming up. OH and SD mum split all school holidays. OH is having SD first half of the weeks holiday which he has arranged childcare for and then booked holiday to be with SD. We both work full time.

SD mum is having her the other half.

I am off work on the Friday of half term (Friday her mum has SD) but I am also off on the Monday which is a teacher training day (didn't realise till now - I try book my annual
leave on the days OH doesn't have SD)

I have made plans to see my sister for the day but I just know her mum will say she can't have her on the Monday due to work (happens every time) and if OH can arrange some form of child care. Fine but this form of child care will be me.

So can I say no? Or is this a responsibility I take on now I am with someone with a child?

Bloody hell, we’ve got bingo here I think. You knew what you were getting in to. You are a step parent so you are obliged to do x, y and z. And won’t anyone think of the children?

Bloody hell. No wonder stepparenting is so thankless when everyone is determined to tell you that you must just accept being taken advantage of to suit the parents but suck it up when none of the positives come your way.

@Dyrene

Bloody hell, we’ve got bingo here I think. You knew what you were getting in to. You are a step parent so you are obliged to do x, y and z. And won’t anyone think of the children?

Bloody hell. No wonder stepparenting is so thankless when everyone is determined to tell you that you must just accept being taken advantage of to suit the parents but suck it up when none of the positives come your way.

If this is a dig at me, I literally said NONE of that.

You think you didn’t say that. But you did.

@DaisyMum40 missing out on what way? If you mean missing out on an intact family then that's not the step parents mess to clear up. The parents are the ones who had children and then split up. It's up to them to ensure that they don't split up.

@Dyrene

You think you didn’t say that. But you did.

No I didn't. What I DID say was the positives a step parent can still offer in a situation where the mother is ungrateful/hostile/whatever and why, for the child's benefit, it's worth making the effort for. But that's just totally ignored here, all anyone can say is "well I got really annoyed so I'm not going to bother".

why, for the child's benefit, it's worth making the effort for but why should I care about going above and beyond for the child's benefit? They have the benefit of their own two parents.

Why does my DSC's benefit come above my own mental wellbeing? It doesn't. Not for me. For their parents yes.

[quote KylieKoKo]@DaisyMum40 missing out on what way? If you mean missing out on an intact family then that's not the step parents mess to clear up. The parents are the ones who had children and then split up. It's up to them to ensure that they don't split up.[/quote]
Missing out on having another positive adult role model in their life. Would you not want that for your child if you are in a relationship? Or are you not bothered?Look, I've continually argued why a good step parent relationship benefits a child, why it's worth making the effort for, despite the barriers that they come up against. I'm really not sure what else you want me to say? If you don't see that value and just want to keep complaining about the mum, then that's your prerogative.

@NeesAndToes

Why does my DSC's benefit come above my own mental wellbeing? It doesn't. Not for me. For their parents yes.

And where did I say it should come above your own? I haven't.

Would you not want that for your child if you are in a relationship? Or are you not bothered?

This is all about what the SP can do for the parents. And the child.

With your ‘just suck it up’ about only getting the shit.

If the parents want a service, they can hire a nanny.

@NeesAndToes

why, for the child's benefit, it's worth making the effort for but why should I care about going above and beyond for the child's benefit? They have the benefit of their own two parents.

FFS I've said I think it's a shame the child has missed out on a positive role model in their life - YOU - because of the situation. I've actually paid you a complement and all you want to do is pick an argument with me?!

@Dyrene

Would you not want that for your child if you are in a relationship? Or are you not bothered?

This is all about what the SP can do for the parents. And the child.

With your ‘just suck it up’ about only getting the shit.

If the parents want a service, they can hire a nanny.

Yes suck it up, if you are not invited to the play that you helped prepare for, then you have to accept that, it's not your decision who gets invited.

And at no point have i said the step parent should act like free childcare/nanny so you can knock that on the head.

Why should it be ok to expect help if you’re going to veto attendance?

The biggest problem with step parenting is the actual parents. As your arguments illustrate brilliantly.

They should pay tutors and nannies if they are going to exclude the SP from the show. They don’t get it all ways. But many parents think they should.

If their children suffer or miss out. That’s on them.

@Dyrene

Why should it be ok to expect help if you’re going to veto attendance?

The biggest problem with step parenting is the actual parents. As your arguments illustrate brilliantly.

They should pay tutors and nannies if they are going to exclude the SP from the show. They don’t get it all ways. But many parents think they should.

If their children suffer or miss out. That’s on them.

My argument illustrates that the biggest problems are the parents - when I've continually argued the case for a positive step parent making the effort to have a good relationship with the child? I think you need to read back the intention of my comments. We're not divorced, there are no step parent dynamics in our children's lives, but if there were, I'd be very grateful someone wanted to make such an effort with a child who wasn't their own and view it as a benefit to their upbringing.

It's quite incredible how many on here want to pick needless arguments.

It’s not a needless argument it’s obvious you know nothing about step parenting.

That’ll be why you genuinely think that what you propose is reasonable.

@Dyrene

It’s not a needless argument it’s obvious you know nothing about step parenting.

That’ll be why you genuinely think that what you propose is reasonable.

Still ignoring my positive comments FOR step parents?

My children might not have step parents in their life, but my parents divorced when I was very young so I've always had a step parent in my life growing up. So your "you know nothing" comment can get in the bin.

@daisymum40 having a step parent doesn't mean you know about being a step parent. In the same way that having a parent doesn't give you any authority on parenting.

[quote KylieKoKo]**@daisymum40* having a step parent doesn't mean you know about being* a step parent. In the same way that having a parent doesn't give you any authority on parenting.[/quote]
I know the difference it makes to have a step parent who makes the effort, appreciates why it's important despite personal issues between all the adults. Believe me, I've been in the middle of some awful arguments and disagreements, it's not healthy for children to experience this.

It's baffling that I'm the one advocating for good step parents who consider themselves a positive role model for the children, I've actually complemented others on here for the efforts they've made, yet I'm the one being vilified on this entire thread? Only on Mumsnet.

Do you not hold your parents responsible for putting you in the middle of toxic arguements? I think your posts are rubbing people up the wrong way because you seem to holding step parents responsible for things that aren't actually in their control.

I have a great relationship with my step children but this is only possible because their mum is reasonable. If she had decided to put the kids in loyalty bind or deliberately set out to make my life difficult then that would not be the case I no amount of effort on my part would be able to fix it.

It’s not just holding them responsible for things not in their control. It’s a somewhat patronising pat on the back with an undertone of know you’re place and be grateful.

@hmmmmm123

Just want others opinions on this please.

Half term is coming up. OH and SD mum split all school holidays. OH is having SD first half of the weeks holiday which he has arranged childcare for and then booked holiday to be with SD. We both work full time.

SD mum is having her the other half.

I am off work on the Friday of half term (Friday her mum has SD) but I am also off on the Monday which is a teacher training day (didn't realise till now - I try book my annual
leave on the days OH doesn't have SD)

I have made plans to see my sister for the day but I just know her mum will say she can't have her on the Monday due to work (happens every time) and if OH can arrange some form of child care. Fine but this form of child care will be me.

So can I say no? Or is this a responsibility I take on now I am with someone with a child?

How sad that you've chosen to live with someone who has a child and you purposely plan annual leave for when the child is not there! Hardly a unit is it! And yes, I do think that yabu re ad hoc childcare. If she was your biological child, you'd presumably take her to your sister meeting and so why not take her, given she's school aged she'd most likely entertain herself! I genuinely don't understand why you'd be with your oh with this attitude.

@ChoiceMummy Sorry but why would I purposely book my annual leave on a day my OH is in work to look after SD? I wouldn't.

I plan around the days we don't have her as I do a fair few school drop off and picks up so it means I don't have to worry about that and can do whatever the hell I want on my well deserved days off work thanks

She's 5. She yes she would need entertaining.

If she was your biological child

She’s not though. 🙄

If the child were 15 she wouldn’t need babysitting. If her parents were still together they’d have to figure it out between them. If the SD were the OP’s child, pretty much everything would be different.

All pointless speculation which makes no difference to the situation.

If her parents were still together they’d have to figure it out between them

Such a valid point ! If they were together the OP wouldn't be on the scene and what on earth would the parents do then!

That comment has just ended the whole debate !

@KylieKoKo

Do you not hold your parents responsible for putting you in the middle of toxic arguements? I think your posts are rubbing people up the wrong way because you seem to holding step parents responsible for things that aren't actually in their control.

I have a great relationship with my step children but this is only possible because their mum is reasonable. If she had decided to put the kids in loyalty bind or deliberately set out to make my life difficult then that would not be the case I no amount of effort on my part would be able to fix it.

I'm not saying step parents are responsible for things not in their control, I've never said that. I'm saying don't get worked up about it, there's no point, it's a waste of mental energy. I'm saying to focus on the things which are in your control.