Childcare

[hmmmmm123]

Just want others opinions on this please.

Half term is coming up. OH and SD mum split all school holidays. OH is having SD first half of the weeks holiday which he has arranged childcare for and then booked holiday to be with SD. We both work full time.

SD mum is having her the other half.

I am off work on the Friday of half term (Friday her mum has SD) but I am also off on the Monday which is a teacher training day (didn't realise till now - I try book my annual
leave on the days OH doesn't have SD)

I have made plans to see my sister for the day but I just know her mum will say she can't have her on the Monday due to work (happens every time) and if OH can arrange some form of child care. Fine but this form of child care will be me.

So can I say no? Or is this a responsibility I take on now I am with someone with a child?

it can't be all take the nice bits but not do any of the work

That's where you're wrong @DaisyMum40. I can and do.

I don't think any of the posters here would entertain a "step mother" in their child's life who saw it as a one way street and wasn't willing to make some sort of personal sacrifice and just said "not my problem"

This an odd statement. It's not up to mother's to "entertain" the involvement of their ex's partner. It's none of their business.

I totally disagree @DaisyMum40.

I doubt any of those mothers would be ceding their parental responsibility to their ex’s wife. Are they going to let her choose a school for the child? Or does the stepmother just have to live with the mothers choices? Thought as much.

Stepparents is really the wrong term. They are not parents. The most important bit is the ‘step’, which very much qualifies the ‘parent’ bit in every way.

It’s like berating a ‘properly involved aunt’ for having a say in what that actually involves.

@Dyrene I think some (not all) mothers' attitude to their child's step mother can be summed up like this.

"Look after my child for free at short notice, cook their meals and delight in everything they do. If they behave badly it's because they are traumatized by the split which is your fault even though it happed before you met your partner. Oh, and don't you are overstep by wanting to come to the school play that you helped them learn learn their lines for or think you have any input in decisions. They are MY child. Be grateful for the privilege of knowing them."

@KylieKoKo my dh's ex is very much of the opinion that I should want to do things for her kids. But of course I don't get to do tooo much and I can't show her up by doing it too well.

I just don't bother. I have my own child. I can't be arsed with her drama.

My point stands, you don't automatically become a step parent just because you married someone who is already a parent. In my view, that sort of role in a child's life has to be earned. If someone marries a person who already has children and wants to remain hands off in any meaningful involvement in the child's life, that's fine, it's their life, their choice 100%. But equally don't call yourself a step parent, because you're not. The clue is in the name - step PARENT. No parenting = no step parent.

I make no apologies for having this view, and that's all it is, my view. It's not about being right or wrong, everyone's situations and experiences are unique to them.

@DaisyMum40 surely this is kind of a non-issue. I don't think the words you use to describe your relationship to the children make any difference to their well-being or how well you all muck along together.

In the real world people will use the term "step-parent" when they are explaining their family situation to others and need to do so quickly. I don't think that whether It's really not a loaded term with lots of deep meaning.

Also @DaisyMum40 it isn't all or nothing. There is a huge gulf between being default free childcare and having no meaningful involvement at all.

"Look after my child for free at short notice, cook their meals and delight in everything they do. If they behave badly it's because they are traumatized by the split which is your fault even though it happed before you met your partner. Oh, and don't you are overstep by wanting to come to the school play that you helped them learn learn their lines for or think you have any input in decisions. They are MY child. Be grateful for the privilege of knowing them."

[quote KylieKoKo]@Dyrene I think some (not all) mothers' attitude to their child's step mother can be summed up like this.

"Look after my child for free at short notice, cook their meals and delight in everything they do. If they behave badly it's because they are traumatized by the split which is your fault even though it happed before you met your partner. Oh, and don't you are overstep by wanting to come to the school play that you helped them learn learn their lines for or think you have any input in decisions. They are MY child. Be grateful for the privilege of knowing them."[/quote]
I think so. And too many people (including the child’s father) seem to agree that’s a reasonable position.

And then there’s the whole: you are a step PARENT so you must do all the shit bits. But you are most definitely not their MOTHER even though you are their stepmother.

So smile and be pathetically grateful that you are allowed to do the drudge work.

@DaisyMum40

My point stands, you don't automatically become a step parent just because you married someone who is already a parent. In my view, that sort of role in a child's life has to be earned. If someone marries a person who already has children and wants to remain hands off in any meaningful involvement in the child's life, that's fine, it's their life, their choice 100%. But equally don't call yourself a step parent, because you're not. The clue is in the name - step PARENT. No parenting = no step parent.

I make no apologies for having this view, and that's all it is, my view. It's not about being right or wrong, everyone's situations and experiences are unique to them.

My name or dad's wife is fine by me. Society calls me a step parent though.

@DaisyMum40 appears to be under the misapprehension that step mother is some kind of revered status that will aspire to attain rather than something that we're told we have to be and shamed for not being.

[quote KylieKoKo]@Dyrene I think some (not all) mothers' attitude to their child's step mother can be summed up like this.

"Look after my child for free at short notice, cook their meals and delight in everything they do. If they behave badly it's because they are traumatized by the split which is your fault even though it happed before you met your partner. Oh, and don't you are overstep by wanting to come to the school play that you helped them learn learn their lines for or think you have any input in decisions. They are MY child. Be grateful for the privilege of knowing them."[/quote]
We all know mother's like this exist. Crappy stepmothers exist too, it's just a fact of life. However, if you've helped a step child learn lines for a play and you're not invited to said play - suck it up. What you HAVE done is worked on building a relationship with the child, helped their development, showed an interest in what's important to them, and that you're proud of what they're doing. You can't control the decision as to who gets to go along to the play, focus on what IS in your control and don't play the victim.

You can't control the decision as to who gets to go along to the play, focus on what IS in your control and don't play the victim. it's not playing the victim. It's wanting to be shown a bit of respect by both of the child's parents. I helped my DSC with a school project and they got really good grades and enjoyed it. I didn't want a thanks from mum. What I did not expect was a rant from about how I'd embarrassed her and made her job harder as now she has to help more with the homework so her daughter can maintain the grades.

I'm not going out my way for mum after that little display and frankly I'm less inclined to do anything for DSC.

@DaisyMum40 why are you posting on a forum to support step parents if your answer is suck it up? Your motivation is obviously not to offer support ...

[quote KylieKoKo]@DaisyMum40 why are you posting on a forum to support step parents if your answer is suck it up? Your motivation is obviously not to offer support ...[/quote]
It is odd isn't it. This corner does seem to attract people who want to have a go at a stepmum.

@NeesAndToes

You can't control the decision as to who gets to go along to the play, focus on what IS in your control and don't play the victim. it's not playing the victim. It's wanting to be shown a bit of respect by both of the child's parents. I helped my DSC with a school project and they got really good grades and enjoyed it. I didn't want a thanks from mum. What I did not expect was a rant from about how I'd embarrassed her and made her job harder as now she has to help more with the homework so her daughter can maintain the grades.

I'm not going out my way for mum after that little display and frankly I'm less inclined to do anything for DSC.

Stop focusing on the mother! So she's been ungrateful to you when you've had a positive impact on DSC. Don't use it as an excuse not to continue being a good influence in their life. Frankly, if the mother thinks this is a bad thing for her, then DSC will benefit from your input in the long run. I'm sure DSC appreciated everything you done, and that's ultimately why you do it. For the child, not the mother.

Don't use it as an excuse not to continue being a good influence in their life. I'm a perfectly good influence thanks. I'm not a bad influence on them. I'll just focus my time on my own child.

[quote KylieKoKo]@DaisyMum40 why are you posting on a forum to support step parents if your answer is suck it up? Your motivation is obviously not to offer support ...[/quote]
Did you not see anything in what I said, at all? You make an effort for the child's benefit. You don't throw the toys out the pram because you weren't invited to the school play you helped with and say "well that's it, I'm not going to do anything at all". Step parenting is hard work, real parenting is hard work! In both cases there's a lot of things we just have to "suck it up". Parenting and step parenting are pretty thankless tasks but a sh*t load of hard work.

All the stepparenting is optional though. No one has to suck it up.

@NeesAndToes

All the stepparenting is optional though. No one has to suck it up.

Yes and I acknowledged that more than once. But don't expect to be given any credit as a step parent, you can't have it both ways.

Yes and I acknowledged that more than once. But don't expect to be given any credit as a step parent, you can't have it both ways. I don't want credit. I want people to stop having expectations of me just becuase I'm married to their dad.

@DaisyMum40 I don't see where anyone has asked for credit. Do you?

[quote KylieKoKo]@DaisyMum40 I don't see where anyone has asked for credit. Do you?[/quote]
What I see is people getting stroppy about their own feelings getting hurt, while children stuck in the middle are missing out.

[quote KylieKoKo]@DaisyMum40 why are you posting on a forum to support step parents if your answer is suck it up? Your motivation is obviously not to offer support ...[/quote]
I've made quite clear the value a good step parent can add to a child's life. It's you who is either not reading it or choosing to ignore it.

What I see is people getting stroppy about their own feelings getting hurt, while children stuck in the middle are missing out. they aren't missing out. They still have their own parents. Anything a stepparent offers is extra.