Would you choose to be a step parent?

[KindleBeKind]

If you had your time again would you choose to be a step parent?
I definitely definitely would walk away. Not a shred of doubt. Whilst I love my husband I can only describe the life of a step mother as a traumatic experience in my case.
I hoped for years that when they reached 18 things would be easier. It’s not, it’s challenges are just different.
We met online, I wish I’d swiped the other way.

ZOMBIE

I'd do it again from step child being aged 13ish. When her mum was basically out of the picture with us.

From that age you can communicate directly with the kids, sort your own stuff with them and not have anything to do with mum unless it's seeing them at a school event.

Under 13, no way. Mum was a total dictator and treated my dh like a walking cash machine.

If I was single again I'd rather not have someone with kids. But given I have a child of my own I don't think that's a fair expectation. So I'd settle for teen kids and over.

I’d choose it again.

I had a wonderful step dad and wouldn’t change him for the world. My husband has a daughter from a previous marriage who is with us half the time, and I have a son from a previous marriage. Our family works very well, the odd glitch but that’s the same in all families. No, I don’t love my step daughter in the same way I love my son but I do love her very much. And I know my husband loves my son.

I am on my second relationship with a SC, 1st was 14 years where I knew SDD from age 3 - 17, I had my DD in this relationship and when it broke down (no drama just wasn’t working) SDD cut me off completely which was sad at the time but I get that now. There was minimal drama in this, the ex wife was chilled, remarried ‘normal’ everyone seemed to get on etc.

I’m now in a ‘new’ relationship and the dynamic is different as I have my DD and DP has his DD, there is a huge age gap as he had her much later in life but we are making it work. His ex wife is a lot more drama and often makes things very difficult!

So I have done it twice and for my current DP and DSD who I knew wayyy before my DD’s father, I would do it all again but it’s not for the faint of heart and lessons I learned the first time round turned out to be no use 😂 so I’m still learning and adapting now!

would I do it a third time - ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Yes, I would.

However, I wouldn't even considering doing it with children younger than my own and it would depend massively about what sort of father my prospective partner was and also how the step child's mum was as well. The likelihood of all those stars aligning is probably pretty tiny.

Absolutely not. Worst mistake of my life.
I resigned from the role, and life’s been peaceful ever since!

<puts armour on>

I’m almost 4 years in and I would say I wouldn’t choose to do this again, not entirely sure that this will last and that’s 99% down to my partner having children and mine been grown, he’s the textbook Disney dad who has blinkers on when they are with us (50% of the time). I try so hard but now kind of given up, my resentment and unhappiness is starting to show and I don’t want that.

I’ve addressed the way he is (a great dad but not a family man) he cannot handle including me or being part of of ‘4’…if I get too close with the kids or his family I get pushed away.

I honestly hate it most of the time :(

I'm nearly there. Can't wait to be free form all this.
Never again!

Changing my previous answer - as life has changed. If you had asked me when I was pregnant with my son and ALL THE BAT SHITTERY that caused, I would answer no.
And no our relationship is not new or was I the OW 🙄

I had forgotten this bat shittery also cranked up when we got married but my head must have made me forget.

The storm has settled somewhat. But only because we have the privilege to have money/resources to throw at some of our problems - which would make most MN people gasp and clutch at their pearls re our living set up but it works for the moment and
I would do it again for my partner and my children.

If he died tomorrow and another dude came into my future and he had kids. Absolutely fucking not.

That said I reserve the right to change my opinion again should bat shittery crop up again. It's dammed hard.

Interesting thought, does anyone date with the soul intention of finding children to step parent? The partner just being a bonus?
Just flipping the idea around in my head from a different perspective, because I think some people think that’s how it works, but I really don’t think that’s the case at all. I think we choose a partner first.

No.

I walked away, with two year old DS, after five years of undisguised aggression and venom from adult step daughter.

I tried harder than I have ever tried at anything, to make it work, but there is nothing more relentlessly nasty, manipulative or dangerous than a teen/twenties girl.

I'm happy to date but would be very slow to consider living with anyone again. And certainly not until DS leaves home.

My friend purposely wanted to find someone with a dc around her dcs age to do things altogether. I did warn her off.. she now also says that she wouldn't do it again but absolutely adores her new dp. The dc are a handful and the exw isn't very nice (same old story, your dad doesn't love you as much as he loves his gf) but they don't live together and go away most weekends they have the dc so it's mitigated. Good luck for winter is all I can say.

Wow, but then some people will get with someone just to have to biological children, I don’t agree with either!

If you're a bit nieve I can see why thinking if you've got a dc it would be easier to be with someone else who also has dc. Her ds is an only child and loves being out and doing things with other dc, so I can see her thinking behind it. I just wouldn't do it again. There seems to be a script with a certain type of exw just like there is a cheaters script.

I have another friend who only dates dads as she doesn't want any more dc and doesn't want to feel insecure about them leaving her for another women to have dc with.

I think it's a lot more rare to not have dc and want to date a dad. That's odd especially if you're young.

I would and I have. And it is hard, very hard, and at times not particularly rewarding. Fortunately, my spouse took the lead role with her kids and she handles them very well. Many step-parents don't have that structure and when expectations aren't met bad things happen.

That said, would I do it again? Yes. But I would caution anyone who wants to be called "mom" or "dad" by the step kids - forget about it. You only get that badge if the child chooses to call you that. Forcing them to call you "dad" never ends well.

The kids are grown now and that has eased the burden.

I would. DSS is no trouble at all. I enjoy having him here.

I guess it very much depends on the parents though. DH does everything for him and asks for nothing from me. And his ex isn't high conflict etc.

definitely definitely not. I do because I adore my DH so much (2 DSCs through him). But it is tough. It’s the most gruelling role sometimes with a psycho ex girlfriend always having an attachment to us, the children have caught on that DH is a Disney dad and will play up massively when here and now with our own DC being born recently it’s brought up a whole storm of its own problems relative to the DSCs. It’s made the relationship with the DSC so hard for me. I feel like I’m constantly telling them to shush and can’t relax when they’re here around the baby. Infact I would go as far to say my home doesn’t feel like my home anymore when they’re here. At the start it was a breeze but it’s actually got harder over time instead of easier.

It gets easier it really does.

Marriage, babies ect tend to really kick up the stress notch right when you don't need it. I hope things settle down !

See my post from a few days ago….

We’ve split after 3.5 years. ‘Blending’ families is 90% of the reason, neither of us could either let go of the reins enough or commit enough.

I couldn’t have imagined how we would navigate the next 15 years until they were old enough to leave home but Jesus this hurts.

@namechangenacy i really really hope so. Thank you for your reassurance x

The break up of my DH and his ex gf was anything but amicable and a few years on and she is still as hostile as she was back then. I’m really worried about my DSS as he portrays a lot of the same tendencies as his mother. DH and I actually had a conversation about it there tonight and both fearing it’ll get worse, especially as we continue to expand our family.

Yes, I would - but I love my stepdaughter and I dont hold it against her when her mother is being actively antagonistic. If anything, it sucks more for the kid than it sucks for me.

Sure, SD has some traits of her mother but no person is bad by default - the things that make her mother less than likeable (not just to me) are things she chooses to do over and over again. Not to mention everything she does will come back and bite her on the ass, and if it wasn't for the fact it will hurt my SD then I would probably get some satisfaction out of it. As it stands - I'm probably the least affected person in this odd game.

i would, I did, and I love my sd

Been there done it didn’t enjoy any aspect of it.
Would never be in a step parent role again.
My boyfriend has 2 kids similar ages to my own son but I’m in no way a step parent and we hardly have anything to do with each others kids at all, occasional meals together, odd days out, buy Christmas and birthday presents, very occasional lifts, most contact is on neutral ground; we won’t live together until all the kids have left home and it works for us.
My own teenager is annoying enough let alone adding other people’s into the mix.

No way.

In my dating days Id only consider a man with DCs if they were aged 18+. There are some horror stories on Step-parenting board, mostly problems caused by Disney Dads, or husbands who dump full care of their child onto 2nd wife. 2nd wife has no say in anything much and is moaning about the SCs, yet it's glaringly obvious its the man's parenting or lack of thats the issue. They wont address it with him so SCs get the blame then women on board argue with each other about it. Meanwhile man is no doubt happily getting on with life. Why invite all that stress into your life for the sake of a man?

I am a step mother and I have a close relationship with my now 45year old DSS . I've been his DSM since hewas 5 known him since he was 3 so that has helped . His DM is a level headed person with two more sons with her DH which must helped also.