Would you choose to be a step parent?

[KindleBeKind]

If you had your time again would you choose to be a step parent?
I definitely definitely would walk away. Not a shred of doubt. Whilst I love my husband I can only describe the life of a step mother as a traumatic experience in my case.
I hoped for years that when they reached 18 things would be easier. It’s not, it’s challenges are just different.
We met online, I wish I’d swiped the other way.

I dated a man with three DCs and it was a nightmare. I vowed to never date another man with DC but then I realized that how he parented his DC was the problem. He was a Disney Dad overly enamoured with them, so had no boundaries. I often felt very left out/invisible when I was around them. So I think if I met someone who parented his kids differently than he did, i may consider it.

I wouldn't, I've seen it go badly wrong and read so many threads here that are enough to put me off alone!

I do know of a couple of successful blended families but even there there's been resentment, biting of tongues and Disney parenting.

I've also been a stepchild and that was a thoroughly miserable experience too. My stepdad was resentful, angry and abusive and was brought into my life with no reservations or question.

There's a phrase thrown out here when everything goes wrong 'you knew he had children...' and whilst that's frustrating and unhelpful it is kind of true too but not in a blaming way.

When kids are involved it's important to sit back, observe the dynamics. How do the kids behave, how does your partner manage that, what's communication like with the ex, do we have the same parenting values and expectations.

It's not foolproof and shit can still hit the fan but I think understanding the dynamic is vital.

As an ex social worker I've seen enough awful situations to want to actively avoid a new partner in my children's lives too. So living together would be out of the question at least for the first couple of years or more.

Someone at the beginning of the thread used the word 'inflict' and was pulled up on it but actually it's pretty accurate in many cases.

Children generally don't choose their parent's new partner, they don't play a big role and in some cases their opinions are actively dismissed.
My stepdad was inflicted on me, the difficult ex was inflicted on my friend.

10 years in, I do think it’s got easier over time I think I’ve completely lowered my expectations of what it is to be married to somebody who has a child. I never try to parent, I rarely pass an opinion and and long as I understand my needs will never be met and the needs of our shared dc will need to be met by me, then we’re ok. No, I wouldn’t recommend it and no, I wouldn’t do it again nor would I bring a step parent into my own kids lives as I think it’s unfair on both the children and the step parent.

I never try to parent, I rarely pass an opinion and and long as I understand my needs will never be met and the needs of our shared dc will need to be met by me, then we’re ok

This was something I could not live with. STBXH was not worth that level of sacrifice. Not even close to it. Even if he were a decent partner, it wouldn’t have been worth it.

It didn’t help that I realised that I couldn’t meet my children’s needs because of the way he was about the SC. In fact, that became so abundantly clear that the whole situation was completely untenable. I couldn’t live my life knowing I’d always be fighting just to meet my children’s needs.

I think men see step parenting a bit differently and I'd argue they were more willing I a lot of cases?

My dp is wanting to move us all in together (both of us have children amd we've been together a few years) and I think its a very, very bad idea. We have fun when we all meet up, but living together is a different ballgame. He can't see it.

He thinks I'll be a great influence on his questionably behaved kids. I don't want more children to look after, and yes I've done a good job with mine as I've put in so much effort. That won't stretch to more. My children and I would be so much worse off.

I'm predicting all the bullshit most people are posting here. I may show him this thread.

He thinks I'll be a great influence on his questionably behaved kids.

This, I’d say, is a very bad sign.

That ‘great influence’ so easily becomes ‘too strict’ or ‘unfair’ (even though it applies to your kids but just isn’t needed because of years of consistent parenting!) when it turns out that the questionable behaviour is an ongoing problem, and he just ‘wants them to have a nice time’ (i.e. he doesn’t want them to have any consequences or anything else that would improve their behaviour).

And, all too easily, his ex starts interfering because they’re not your children and so on.

I think my number one criterion for even entertaining the idea of (another) step family would be that the children are well behaved and he’s an active, consistent, authoritative parent who sets clear, reasonable boundaries which align closely with my own values. Without that… I just don’t think it is going to work.

Totally agree @SudocremOnEverything

To be clear, I won’t be entertaining another stepfamily because I wouldn’t do it to myself or my children again. I learned the hard way that it too easily involves compromising on my children’s needs and I cannot live with even the suggestion of that. It brings out the mother bear in me!

Maybe it wouldn’t if I’d managed to find someone whose values actually aligned with mine in meaningful ways (rather than appeared to from the outside). Then the compromises might have been less fundamental and might have felt two-way.

What I did learn was that it was all too easy for him to make it seem like it was his ex that was the problem. But it really wasn’t just her. His attitude towards being a parent was formed from bringing their kids up and that reflected their shared values. Which were, I learned, a long way from mine. He presented himself in such a way that it seemed that he shared my values and was frustrated with his ex - but when it came to it, it became apparently that his entire idea of what parenthood should be was such a long way from mine.

It wasn’t, for example, because they simply didn’t like each other very much (although they clearly didn’t) that meant it looked like even when they were together they tag teamed parenting and viewed the time with the kids as the penance for getting time away to themselves. No. He presented himself as so sad not to be with his kids and blamed her for limiting his contact. So it seemed that his idea of family was broadly aligned with mine. But it really wasn’t. She openly admitted that her attitude was for financial reasons, but then I came to realise that his was too. They were both trying to find the balance that gave them maximum time off the kids but without compromising on how much maintenance they wanted to pay/receive. The amount of checking days to make sure it was sitting just on the threshold was astounding. And so far away from my own attitude about child maintenance and contact - I’d always have DS and I don’t care if the extra night crosses a CMS threshold for nights.

@SudocremOnEverything this resonates a lot. My DP doesn't want time away from his kids, but I worry he likes the idea of having them more. Will he actively enrich their lives, or is it a time share win?

Or is he so convinced that we will move in together and if he increases his time, we will be able yo do it all together aka, me doing all the running around.

I honestly have my eyes wide open here. MN has been an education.

Some very good points raised here.

I haven't been a step-parent, however I have dated someone with kids, and I won't again. I don't want my own so that's not an issue. It's that the ex is never out of the picture. I might possibly consider someone with an adult, independent child, but the constraints of other people's younger kids and ex drama isn't worth it.

I would! I am a step mum to an 11 yo DSD and have known her since she was 4. I found it hard in the beginning that her DM was involved in my now DHs life.. but I think that was more down to my insecurities. We now have a DD and another baby on the way. My DSD is older and has her own phone, so there's less interaction with my DH and her DM.. but even when there is, I'm far more secure to not worry about it.

I am lucky my DSD is a great kid and so far (fingers crossed it stays that way) she's been a fantastic step child.

I don't disagree that it can be very hard and the first two years were a struggle for me. But I would do it all again.

Never again. I dispise being a step mum and how much the dynamics have changed! I never imagined it would be this hard. I love my DH immensely and cannot wait for the dss to reach 18. If we split I would avoid anyone with children

😔 what in particular to you despise? Is there any way it will improve?

No, I wouldn't choose it, and I wouldn't have chosen it now had I not had a history with my now DH. Never in a million years would I have done this for someone else.

Absolutely not. Not because of the child, because of their mother. She is vile, nasty, bitter and controlling.

Just reading this makes me realise I ought never to have gotten involved with my soon to be ex husband. Nightmare from the off, despite my efforts.

No, it was a hard limit for me when dating. I was happier to stay single than get involved with a man with kids.

No and there are times when I deeply question and regret it even though I adore my DSc but the amount of upset and drama their mum has brought into my life sometimes on a daily basis is just not something I would ever want to deal with ever again!

The amount of trouble we have makes me question staying in my relationship now purely because of the ex and one of the DC

At last someone else in the same position as me. My partners ex controls the rota and doesn't want to negotiate any changes unless it suits her.

@Gertrude86 💐💐💐

@KindleBeKind, girl I had to smile when I saw your post! I have no problems dating a person with children if the children are well behaved! I dated a guy whose little daughter was the worst little kid I had ever seen! She had a very fresh mouth and would say whatever she wanted TO HIM! I was loving, but stern with her and she respected me. Then, when her mother started seeing how we were getting along, the mother told the daughter that I was taking daddy away! LMAO! Oh wow! That turned the little girl into a depressed little one. She withdrew from me. I was still kind to her, but she struggled and it really bothered me to see her struggle. We were watching a movie, fully clothed, and all of us fell asleep in the bed together. She was little and innocently told her mother that we all watched a movie and fell asleep in the bed together. Her mother went BALLISTIC! She learned not to tell her mother anything, which was sad. I understand exactly how you feel. The mother went to court and had the custody order amended to say no one would discipline the child except her and the father. I had never touched their daughter, but I would correct her when she was wrong. When the lawyer sent my ex the change, I changed the wording to say no one would physically discipline the child other than those two, then I sent it back through his email. She agreed to that! LMAO! That was so unnecessary because I had never put my hands on that child, but I was dealing with that level of petty. I completely get why you are saying what you're saying. In my case, I realized that I didn't want to marry into that craziness. I'm sorry for your situation.

Unless you bought the house by yourself and he moved in then its their house too!.

@femfemlicious that's exactly what I did. It's my house.

I am a step parent with an Adult DSS who I step parented from being 2 years old every Friday till Sunday. I have 5 DSs of my own . I would definitely be a step parent again . I am still very close to my DSS now he is 45 . Maybe the key is that his mum remarried the same time as we did and isn't needy ? I don't know but I felt I should speak up .