Would you choose to be a step parent?

[KindleBeKind]

If you had your time again would you choose to be a step parent?
I definitely definitely would walk away. Not a shred of doubt. Whilst I love my husband I can only describe the life of a step mother as a traumatic experience in my case.
I hoped for years that when they reached 18 things would be easier. It’s not, it’s challenges are just different.
We met online, I wish I’d swiped the other way.

I would with the same people involved! Same partner, SDC, my DC, exes etc.

It’s been reasonably unproblematic and lovely.

It’s a variable feast though. Timing, age of SDC and your own DC, relationship with exes, how your partner parents - all these reasons could make me decide not to do it.

If DP and I split then I’d be unlikely to do it again purely because it would be adding even more people to the mix. Increases the chance of something going wrong!

I always said I wouldnt date a guy with kids because the friends I knew who had always complained about the difficulties dealing with the ex.

But I fell in love with my DP and now fiancé who had 3 DC to 2 different mothers. One mother we have no major issues with. The other is a narcissist and seems hellbent on being difficult.

If I could go back knowing what I know now I'd 100% still get with DP. He and the SCs make the agro from the ex all worth it.

DP had a pretty tragic childhood and spent 12 years in an abusive relationship. Despite this is the most positive wonderful person. He deserved a chance despite his "baggage" and someone to bring as much joy to his life as he brings to others.

Being a stepmum has been so rewarding. Sure there are challenges but I love it.

That makes me sad, though I can relate somewhat being a step-parent myself. It is hard, especially when you want to be a parent but not allowed.

I have learned that "step" has a rightful connotation as "not-mine" meaning I have to earn the right to be called Dad, cannot command it. And if the biological father is involved with his kids like he is supposed to, I will NEVER be called Dad.

That said - I would do it all again. My experience is likely different because the kids were already over 18 when we married.

Nope, I wouldn't. Having a woman who hates me solely as I'm together with her ex make so many horrible decisions in my life is soul crushing. I often dream of what it would be like to just be my DP, daughter and me, seems like utter bliss.

I consider myself to have one SC, but the reality is that there are two. SS is a young adult, kind, funny, considerate, unspoilt. The adult SD and I have been NC for two years after she bullied me and I chose to have nothing to do with her,

That aside I would do it again but only to the one that's not an entitled bullying brat

If it is the same child then yes, without me to look out for her she would have ended up in care probably.

Being a step mom can be an amazing experience if the DH and you are a true united front. I love my step son , and we have so much fun together. But the relationship my husband and I forged together over the past 8 years is rock solid , and I credit no small part of that to the difficulties we has to face together from his narcissistic, toxic, abusive, malingering psychotic ex.

I do not regret my involvement with my husband or my blended family. They are my heart .but I would advise caution because it's not for everyone.

I’ve been surprised over the past yr or so since I started the podcast at how many women have VERY different relationships with stepkids. I hope you’re ok now, how old was she when you went NC? Does she still see her dad?

I have a step son who 5. We have an amazing relationship. When we have SS my world is whole. The times we don’t or we have to argue with BM for time is when it’s shit. I hate having arguments with OH about her. I hate that she gets to dictate our lives. I hate that OH doesn’t stand up to her. I hate that nobody gives a shit about the step mum. They rave on about step dads all the time. They have it so easy. They don’t have to deal with drama, They get recognised on Father’s Day, they’re not expected to do anything so if they do participate in SS life they’re a blessing. I however get told I’m over stepping if I try to get involved. I bath, dress, care for, feed ect. My SS. Do I get any recognition, even on Mother’s Day… nope. It’s hard, loving a child like your own but having no say in what you’re allowed to be a part of. It sucks.

My OH has 6 kids and 2 exes. We all get on fine and I love all the kids and grandkids. Granted the kids never lived with us, and the youngest 6 and next youngest 14, the others were all over 18 when we got together and his previous relationship was over 2 years before we met so it was more accepting.

@stepmumspacepodcast she was 20 when all of this happened so definitely old enough to know better! It stemmed from me putting my foot down about our home privacy and safety on her very public social media. Apparently it was fine for me to cook, clean, shop, do her laundry, pay for holidays and shopping trips but I had no right to have an opinion when it counted.

I've encouraged her Dad to resume contact (he couldn't speak to her for 6 months) but she's not welcome in our home until she walks over broken glass barefoot with an apology. She's adamant that there's nothing to apologise for so we very brutally compartmentalise the family and how we spend time with DSS.

If she were a child when it happened I'd have to have had a different response but she was an adult so she's made a choice.

I became step mother to a 10 year old and a 5 year old in my twenties.
He was looking (I realise now) for childcare and wanted them as much as possible but he wasn’t home until 8 pm from work. She was the same. I was collateral damage.

when I put my foot down and said no - he had to be home - she dropped them off anyway.
tapping at the door and if I was out a text says ‘our children are at the door let them in’ or to get home from the gym etc

I was called names by both of them about what a useless ungrateful step mother I was and a useless mother.

I did love them and they were great but I didn’t last long. I divorced and I never saw them again.

I preface the below by acknowledging I will get some degree of negative feedback. But I do not enjoy being a step mom in my particular situation. It’s more complicated and nuanced then this. I am divorced with four kids from my ex. It has been several years and I’ve dated some men. I learned I prefer men in their 50s. Mostly because they have children in teens, college, grown etc. I’m 43 and my youngest child is in 3rd grade. I am beyond relieved the baby/toddler stage is done.

My new husband is 61. He was married 14 years to the mother of 5 of his children—ages ranging from early 20s to 13. I don’t spend much time with his children as they largely reside with their Mom. They are nice kids. I’ve always appreciated men who have kids older then mine because in honesty, I am OVER the young years and those demands. My SO following his divorce became engaged to a different woman he spent 3 years with. They never married but before they split, his other kids resided with them. She became pregnant intentionally planned at 45/46 years old. I was told she wanted a baby boy and since her daughters were fully grown, she wanted a baby with my SO despite him having his hands full with 5 previous kids. After that engagement ended, he sold the home, and his older kids moved back with their mom. I love step parenting the 5 kids from his previous marriage but I am very resentful of the 4 year old son he had with this other woman. I do not want to parent small kids anymore. I also fundamentally disagree with their decision to have a child at their age, unmarried and when he had 5 other kids who needed attention. For this I absolutely hate this woman and become angry when any extra free time my SO has, he’s with the four year old and not me. Am I wrong to judge him and be resentful of step parenting this one particular child of his?

I’m sorry that happened. I sometimes feel my SO uses me as childcare to his 4 year old.

I am a child of divorced parents from when I was young and saw my dad all the time, I had/have great step parents and no issues at all with my parents divorce, and still would never be one

There seems to me this competition/territory thing that goes on (not always! And never felt it myself) goes on with adults competing with children and ex partners, it sounds like a mess

Sure nothing wrong with dating a parent with children if they are older but would never move in with one unless the kids really are adults and there is zero issues

It’s not too late to leave.

Nope. I would never move in with a man while he or I had children at home. Someone is always unhappy and making life hell for everyone else in the home.

Yes. in a heartbeat as long as it was with the kids I have now. My boys (from husbands first marriage) call me mom. I have been their mom for over 20 years and god knows they needed one. My daughter was adopted at 15 by my husband. she is 35 now. He is currently up in canada.. spent last 2 nights with one of our sons and his wife.. right now spending the next 3 with our daughter. I am heading up to canada in 3 weeks and will do the same. FOR US.. it worked. brilliantly . Not always easy, but the love is real. I love my boys as much as I love my daughter. We always said there are no steps in our family. we are all just family. My husband was custodial parent as was I so we knew going into it that we would be blended . My daughter was no contact with her birth father and our sons (his) were every other weekend with their mother only. We lucked out that she accepted me into the boys lives and didn't freak out when they started calling me mom. our one son got married two years ago and had a mother son dance and split the dance down the middle so both of us got to dance with our son. Friends of mine have not faired so well unfortunately

In fact.. our 13 year old granddaughter and our 12 year old grandson to my birthdaughter and husbands daughter by choice and adoption.. just found out that their papa is not their mums bio dad. It was unfortunate but her birth fathers mother is ill and they contacted our daughter and said that they needed her address as she was being put in the will.. only condition. She spent some time with her "dad" SHE LAUGHED and said she spends lots of time with her dad!! (my husband) unfortunately our granddaughter heard the call. She was shocked for a few minutes and then said.. oh well.. I have my papa.. don't want to know about the other man. Our daughter said no thank you to the inheritance with strings.

It's been ok. ExW was an absolute nightmare. I'm also a step child and it's been good.

When I was dating at 40 after divorce I realised there would be more options if I dated men with kids but my criteria was that any kids he had must be older than mine. I've now been in a 7 year relationship with a man who'd had long term relationships but no kids.

Not if my the man was anything like my EXDP, who wanted to Disney Dad his DS, and anything I said that to his DS that he didn't like "please put your rubbish in the bin, please take your plate to the kitchen" meant that I hated his DS. It was exhausting.

Having left that relationship 2 years ago, I've recently started dipping a toe into online dating. This time it's very different to when I was single, given I now have 2 DC.

I'm early 40's, so my maximum age preference is 50, so I expect most are likely to have older DC. This is fine with me, as long as there is no blending involved, and I'm going to be quite upfront about this. I don't want any man or his DC moving into my house, or for me and my DC to move into his house.

Nor do I want to watch a man Disney his DC while mine are given boundaries and know what's expected of them, so I'd be prepared to give him the boot, if this surfaced down the line.

I posted on this thread when it first came out and I'd still say nope, not for me! The experience of being a step mum has changed me and not in a good way. The same doubt over whether I'm a nice person and the second thinking on how I come across is STILL there after all this time. I look back and want to kick myself for ever entertaining it.

The only children I've ever met that I like are my own

I cannot imagine that changing

I actually like other people's dc. I enjoy babysitting and taking my friends dc out for a treat! I work with teenagers but have worked with younger dc. Step parenting is not like that. Step parenting is hell. Absolute hell. I am still traumatised by it.