Should they pay to replace it?

[CamelotPudding]

I'm pretty furious right now.

It was my DD's birthday a couple of days ago. She's only 2. She got a ride on elephant toy thing which she was really excited about when she saw it.

It's specifically designed for young toddlers (up to 36 months) and is only small. There is a seat on it big enough for small children but definitely not designed for older children / adults.

My SS can play a bit roughly sometimes and was trying to joke around and sit in/climb over it when playing with DD. I repeatedly said to him to stop because it wasn't his and was not designed for older children (he's 11) and he would break it.

Anyway lo and behold he's done it again and the side of the seat has broken and now my daughter can't sit in it properly.

I am so pissed off. We don't have loads of spare money. This was £60 and her main present. It's been two fucking days for Godsake.

I've said to DH I think we should tell SS he has to pay to replace it with the money he got at Christmas (he got over £200 from relatives). I repeatedly told him, he is old enough to know better and I am sick of him just getting away with everything (DH is a pushover).

So AIBU? I'm really annoyed.

I would bet good money that if it were the OP's own child who broke the toy, he or she would not be made to pay to replace it.

I don't understand why this has become a SC issue. It's a parenting issue. The toy needs replacing and it's the boy's parents who need to decide who pays.

I wouldnt get involved personally.

Tous get broken. The OP has many years ahead of this and then when they're teenagers, it will be broken phones and devices.

@THisbackwithavengeance

I would bet good money that if it were the OP's own child who broke the toy, he or she would not be made to pay to replace it.

I don't understand why this has become a SC issue. It's a parenting issue. The toy needs replacing and it's the boy's parents who need to decide who pays.

I wouldnt get involved personally.

Tous get broken. The OP has many years ahead of this and then when they're teenagers, it will be broken phones and devices.

Possibly the most contradictory comment I’ve ever read on mumsnet!

He was told more than once to stop. He didn't. It all ended (predictably) with something getting broken. Honestly in the same situation I'd have given 1 warning ''you will have to pay for that if you to break it'' and then if he didn't do as he was told I would have removed the toy myself. Now the toy is broken there needs to be a consequence & what that is is up to OP and her DP to decide.

Maybe I'm on my own here but the bigger issue seems to be that the SS does not do as he's told. My worry would be that he is 11, a lot bigger than his sister. He needs to do as he's told & stop when he's told to. An 11 year old boy cannot be rough playing with a 2 year old if they don't have the maturity to assess risk / moderate themselves. Someone will get hurt next.

From the sounds of it this isn't the first time either, OP sounds exasperated and that suggest there's a pattern of this kind of behaviour. Seems he's not been properly disciplined and therefore has not learnt to regulate himself, do as he's told, think about what he is doing or take accountability for his actions. His Father needs to sort this side out pronto otherwise before long OP will been contending with an unruly teenager. Parents need to discipline their kids!

(full disclosure: I am a ''first wife'' !)

@mugglenutmeg

I would think you saw this coming / as you said he's pretty boisterous and you bought a very tempting toy that he can't play with...how frustrating for him. I'm sure you knew this was probably going to happen, why Sydney you supervised more closely?

How do you people go through life if you expect any and all "temptations " to simply be removed out of their way? And if they don't... well it's someone else fault obviously.

@THisbackwithavengeance

I would bet good money that if it were the OP's own child who broke the toy, he or she would not be made to pay to replace it.

I don't understand why this has become a SC issue. It's a parenting issue. The toy needs replacing and it's the boy's parents who need to decide who pays.

I wouldnt get involved personally.

Tous get broken. The OP has many years ahead of this and then when they're teenagers, it will be broken phones and devices.

They are 2 and haven't got the money to replace it and also are still learning the word no. So it s a bit different

How do you people go through life if you expect any and all "temptations " to simply be removed out of their way? And if they don't... well it's someone else fault obviously I know right. It's really quite disturbing.

[quote Tiramysu]@CeeceeBloomingdale that sends an absolutely terrible message to a child about to start secondary school. It's ok, if you damage something or do something you shouldn't, if the person saying no didn't say it in the right way it's partly their fault..[/quote]
The ADULT didn’t do enough to stop the CHILD in their care causing damage. They are not equal in terms of understanding, knowing their own strength and therefore consequence, financial independence etc. If they were two people of the same age I would agree, with a parent/child dynamic it’s very different.

The ADULT didn’t do enough to stop the CHILD in their care causing damage The ADULT seems to have done enough if the CHILD (who is 11, most 11 year old I know understand NO) had listened and respected their instruction. Not OP's fault they didn't.

@THisbackwithavengeance

I would bet good money that if it were the OP's own child who broke the toy, he or she would not be made to pay to replace it.

I don't understand why this has become a SC issue. It's a parenting issue. The toy needs replacing and it's the boy's parents who need to decide who pays.

I wouldnt get involved personally.

Tous get broken. The OP has many years ahead of this and then when they're teenagers, it will be broken phones and devices.

I don't agree.. Yes stuff gets broken, but he's 11 and he was warned. He's more than old enough to do as he is told, the first time.

Its a SC issue because OP is in a difficult position as SM - i.e. she is not a parent to this child. She ''inherited'' this situation and it's not for her to discipline her SS, that's his Father and Mother's job. OP should not be expected to just accept the consequences of that apparently not having happened.

@mugglenutmeg

I would think you saw this coming / as you said he's pretty boisterous and you bought a very tempting toy that he can't play with...how frustrating for him. I'm sure you knew this was probably going to happen, why Sydney you supervised more closely?

Yes. How DARE you buy something FUN for a 2 year olds birthday therefore tempting her 11 year old brother in this way. HOW DARE YOU. Don't you know? You can only buy younger siblings BORING toys.

This is the most batshit response I've ever read.

I'm guessing step son is only allowed boring presents for his birthday too? No Xbox or phone or anything like that because the 2 year old won't be able to play with it and that will be very frustrating for her.

Insane 🤣

11 year old is not a baby, is not a toddler, by that age they should know right from wrong. That's why the police can get involved if they commit crime.

@TheFrogAndHen no the DSC must have the latest and most exciting toys to make up for their parents not being together don't cha know.

I'd ask him what he thinks he should do to fix this situation. I'd have a chat about how he would feel if his sister broke his new birthday toy and try to teach some empathy and responsibility.

You might be surprised and he might offer his birthday money (which I'd take a token amount from).

If there was a lack of remorse then dp needs to support ss further into what he could do to make this better.

And yes this is similar to what I've done with my own dc. My ds washed up every day for 6 months when he 'owed' me £500 at 11.

They are not equal in terms of understanding

This is such a lame fucking excuse. No children and adults aren't equal in all things but an 11 year old child has ENOUGH understanding to know when repeatedly told to stop doing something because they will break it, that they should stop doing it. We are not talking about a toddler here.

It reminds me of when my husband used to tell off my older step child because "they should know better" all the time when there was only a year between them and they were BOTH well old enough to know better.

There are some situations where just because the other person happens to be younger, they still have ENOUGH understanding of the situation themselves to be at fault as well.

Listening to instructions and repeated warnings is well within the remit of expectations for an 11 year old child. Do you think they'd get away with it at school because the teacher didn't communicate it "well enough" or because he's "frustrated because he's oh so tempted by whatever it is he's been told not to do".

He's 11 FUCKING YEARS OLD for crying out loud. Nearly in high school!

Paying some of the money and doing chores to earn the rest is a perfectly reasonable and normal consequence for a child this age.

@TheFrogAndHen

They are not equal in terms of understanding

This is such a lame fucking excuse. No children and adults aren't equal in all things but an 11 year old child has ENOUGH understanding to know when repeatedly told to stop doing something because they will break it, that they should stop doing it. We are not talking about a toddler here.

It reminds me of when my husband used to tell off my older step child because "they should know better" all the time when there was only a year between them and they were BOTH well old enough to know better.

There are some situations where just because the other person happens to be younger, they still have ENOUGH understanding of the situation themselves to be at fault as well.

Listening to instructions and repeated warnings is well within the remit of expectations for an 11 year old child. Do you think they'd get away with it at school because the teacher didn't communicate it "well enough" or because he's "frustrated because he's oh so tempted by whatever it is he's been told not to do".

He's 11 FUCKING YEARS OLD for crying out loud. Nearly in high school!

Paying some of the money and doing chores to earn the rest is a perfectly reasonable and normal consequence for a child this age.

Which is precisely why I said he SHOULD pay some and not all of it, I specifically said OP and SS are jointly responsible so OP should also shoulder some blame. If an adult can’t stop an 11 year old doing something they have repeatedly asked him to stop doing then there is something wrong with the way they are parenting. I am fully aware of what 11 FUCKING YEARS OLD means, I have an 11yo and a teen. They are not considered adults and need guidance at times.

OP is definitely jointly to blame, if not entirely. I'm curious OP, prior to you telling your stepson to stop playing with the toy, did you request (and receive) written permission from his dad (or mum) to speak to the child? Stepparents often think they can talk to children without permission but this is false. If you did not present your stepson with the written permission slip, he has full LEGAL permission to do the OPPOSITE of what you were asking. This must have been incredibly confusing for your stepson, as at 11 years old their brains are roughly the size of a peanut (trust me I'm a doctor).

OP you have dramatically failed in your parenting. Oh wait no you are a stepparent, you're not allowed to parent. Crap I've confused myself now. In any case you are wrong.

They are not considered adults and need guidance at times.

Yes... Guidance. As in, repeated instructions saying not to do something and why?

Or do you mean infantilising by removing the toy meaning / not buying a 2 year old a "tempting" toy he can't play with?

I also have an 11 year old in our house and I can tell you we wouldn't be removing a toddlers toys because he can't listen to simple instructions. Maybe we just have higher standards for our 11 year old 🤣

Removing the toy meaning the toddler it was intended for can't use it**

Removing toys is something you do for tiny kids when they are squabbling over them.

Can't believe people are suggesting you should be removing a toddlers toys, who's done nothing wrong and should be allowed to play with their own things, because a child practically in secondary school can't listen to simple instructions.

If the 2 year old kept annoying her older brother whilst he was playing on his phone, would you take the phone off him?

No. I doubt it.

Obviously in that situation you'd remove the 2 year old. Because she's two. If she were 11 I'd expect her just to listen to me being y'know...11 years of age and all that.

Where is his father in all of this?

Why is he not parenting his son properly?

Also, does he live with you?

If I were the step sons mother there’s no way I’d allow you and the child’s father to take their Christmas money from them. You have no right at all to make that call, and your DH can only make that decision with the mothers agreement. You dont get to take children’s money off them Willy nilly, even if they did break something.

The ultimate responsibility lies with whoever was supervising the SS at the time the toy got broken.

The ultimate responsibility lies with whoever was supervising the SS at the time the toy got broken

What???

You supervise toddlers not a preteen!

Dads can actually make parenting decisions without mum's approval. I know this may come as a shock to some people.

@LethargicActress

If I were the step sons mother there’s no way I’d allow you and the child’s father to take their Christmas money from them. You have no right at all to make that call, and your DH can only make that decision with the mothers agreement. You dont get to take children’s money off them Willy nilly, even if they did break something.

The ultimate responsibility lies with whoever was supervising the SS at the time the toy got broken.

Mothers don't get to decide everything. Their dad is perfectly capable of dealing with consequences in his own home without your agreement.

Depends where the money is doesn't it. My step children have money at our house from Christmas. I doubt their Mum even knows about it and if their Dad felt that a reasonable consequence of their behaviour was taken an amount from them, he certainly wouldn't be asking their mum's permission like I highly doubt she would if roles were reversed.

We've have all sorts of "punishments" which were decided at their other home which we then need to follow here. We don't question everything their mother does though. So if she says they are on a computer ban because of X then we trust her judgement and they don't go on anything at our house either. Why would this be any different?