Should they pay to replace it?

[CamelotPudding]

I'm pretty furious right now.

It was my DD's birthday a couple of days ago. She's only 2. She got a ride on elephant toy thing which she was really excited about when she saw it.

It's specifically designed for young toddlers (up to 36 months) and is only small. There is a seat on it big enough for small children but definitely not designed for older children / adults.

My SS can play a bit roughly sometimes and was trying to joke around and sit in/climb over it when playing with DD. I repeatedly said to him to stop because it wasn't his and was not designed for older children (he's 11) and he would break it.

Anyway lo and behold he's done it again and the side of the seat has broken and now my daughter can't sit in it properly.

I am so pissed off. We don't have loads of spare money. This was £60 and her main present. It's been two fucking days for Godsake.

I've said to DH I think we should tell SS he has to pay to replace it with the money he got at Christmas (he got over £200 from relatives). I repeatedly told him, he is old enough to know better and I am sick of him just getting away with everything (DH is a pushover).

So AIBU? I'm really annoyed.

@QuirkyTurtle

No, there isn't a first wife in my situation, nor do I think you can't express disagreeing opinions.

I was just expressing a thought, just like you were. But that's quite the reaction you got there.

Yes it is a reaction to your implication that I haven't patented my child(ren) properly because they've had the audacity to break something more than once over 26 years and 3 years respectively.

I also find the absolute paranoia of step mothers and the accusation that anyone who disagrees with them must be a first wife really stupid. I'm not a first wife but I can still argue that the view of a step mother might possibly be wrong / unreasonable without holding a view that stepmothers are evil. The 'first wife' accusation is all over this thread.

*parented not patented.

@Lovemylittlebear

For me it depends on the context and the child…if he didn’t stop because he was playing with and making his baby sister laugh but is now sad that he has broken her toy and that consequence in itself is enough to learn then no I wouldn’t I would chalk it up as a learning experience. However if he couldn’t give a shit that it’s broken and something similar is likely to happen again then yes I would explain that a contribution is needed and why.

This 100%.

OP what is the context?

I'm not a first wife but I can still argue that the view of a step mother might possibly be wrong / unreasonable without holding a view that stepmothers are evil.

@kirinm
Yes you can and I didn't say you couldn't? It's a discussion thread and I offered a counterpoint to your parenting suggestion to OP. I didn't mean to imply you have failed at parenting, there's no one single best way to parent and I apologise if my comment came across that way. With all due respect I think your reaction was incredibly over the top and telling me to 'get over myself' for challenging you is exactly the kind of attitude you're accusing stepmothers on here of having.

@QuirkyTurtle

I actually rather enjoy *@aSofaNearYou*'s comments on this forum, even though I don't necessarily always agree. I find your comments very balanced and attempting to see the issue from all perspectives.

@sadpapercourtesan I find that you often lack empathy and the ability to put yourselves in someone else's shoes, and fail to understand that things that are good in theory are often impossible to execute in practice. You do come across as somewhat holier-than-thou and I expect you think your parenting skills are superior.

I'm sure you'll shrug this off and tell me to step outside the echochamber, but this is how you are coming across based on your comments.

Another classic case of differing opinions, I think - it's no surprise to me that you're the next poster in the pile-on queue, since you have a very similar dogmatic and hectoring posting style to @aSofaNearYou and are an equal contributor to the unhealthy mentality on this particular board.

It's not difficult to come across as "holier than thou" in relation to people who are enraged by the idea that their stepchildren are children, not unwanted leftovers. I'm quite comfortable with being considered "holier than thou" by the likes of you and your pals.

@TheFrogAndHen

The father doesn't need the mothers agreement to parent his child how he sees fit

There does seem to be a widely held belief on MN that they do.

The father doesn't need the mothers permission. However, in step families dads are far too often "Disney dads" and are far too soft for fear of upsetting their relationship with their dc.

The SM then gets frustrated and tries to either step in to a role where she feels like she needs to discipline, or tries to influence her DH to discipline.

So you're right, the dad doesn't need permission from the mum to enforce consequences but what OP seems to be failing to understand is that she has no right to be making these decisions.

The responsibility lies with her DH and if he's not on board with her suggestion of "fining" his DC then she needs to suck it up and get on with it.

This is an issued between her and her DH but she should not be coming up with the punishments/consequences

So you're right, the dad doesn't need permission from the mum to enforce consequences but what OP seems to be failing to understand is that she has no right to be making these decisions

That's fine. I just hope that applies to everything about OPs relationship with her step son then. She's no right to discipline so she shouldn't be left looking after him either. I hope she's not expected to parent in any way if she's "no right" when it comes to discipline.

So often on here though people are very "they are your children too" when it comes to helping out but then all "you've no right" when it comes to anything else.

So OP if this is the situation, where you're expected to parent when it suits his actual parents but then have no say over anything else, stop immediately. Dad can cook, dad can clean their clothes, Dad can ensure he is around if SS is in your house, no school runs, no parenting of any kind. Because you've no right.

I love my stepson as if he were my own son, so I discipline him as if he were my own son too. If my SO is out or otherwise unreachable and I need to make a parenting / disciplinary decision, I do so and inform him after.

Some people may think that makes me a bad stepmother, but I think it makes me a good one. Thankfully everyone in my life, including my stepson's mother, agrees.

It is the opposite of seeing my stepson as leftovers. I see him as my own, which comes with the fun bits (love, attention, money) and the bad bits (discipline). People think that just because their blended family is dysfunctional, everyone else's is by definition.

@CeeceeBloomingdale

I would ask him to pay a percentage, not all of it. If you repeatedly told him not to do something there was something ineffective in your communication. You need to give a consequence if he continues or remove him or the toy from the situation. At 11 he probably seems very grown up compared to your toddler but he is still very much a child. I think it's shared responsibility, both you and he were at fault.

Said every rape defence lawyer ever

Do you not teach your kids consequences then?

Of course my kids were taught about consequences, but there are better ways to do that without taking their Christmas presents off them. If the child had been given books or clothes or toys for Christmas would you take those too, or are Christmas presents only fair game for adults to use as parenting tools when they come as cash?

I think it’s a horrible thing to do to a child to take away their Christmas presents because they made a mistake, even if they were told not to. At school we don’t take away merits or awards if a child does something they shouldn’t, the sanctions are kept separate from things that are earned and deserved. It’s the same principle.

Make the child do chores to earn the money back. Or, as he caused his sister to be unable to play with her toy, then he shouldn’t be allowed to play with something that matters to him for a period of time so he can see how it feels.

Also, if that xmas money came from dad/dad's side of the family then it would have absolutely nothing to do with you. Dad can make decisions about consequences that occurred in his house without permission from mum.

It made no difference which side of the (separated) family Christmas/Birthday money came from, it belonged to them. The concept of ‘mums house money’ and ‘dads house money’ is just plain weird. My children’s money was theirs, and if someone had tried to take it from them at 11 years old, even if it was their other parent, then I’d consider that to be entirely my business. Same as it’s my business if my kids breaks something that belongs to another child. Thankfully my ex and I managed to co parent successfully without needing to use punishments the other parent disagreed with and knew that taking the other parents opinion into consideration isn’t the same as needing permission.

Given you've only had it a few days it doesn't sound good quality. I'd ask for a replacement / refund first.

@GhoulWithADragonTattoo

Given you've only had it a few days it doesn't sound good quality. I'd ask for a replacement / refund first.

You can't really claim not fit for purpose when an 11 year old has broken it

@QuirkyTurtle

I love my stepson as if he were my own son, so I discipline him as if he were my own son too. If my SO is out or otherwise unreachable and I need to make a parenting / disciplinary decision, I do so and inform him after.

Some people may think that makes me a bad stepmother, but I think it makes me a good one. Thankfully everyone in my life, including my stepson's mother, agrees.

It is the opposite of seeing my stepson as leftovers. I see him as my own, which comes with the fun bits (love, attention, money) and the bad bits (discipline). People think that just because their blended family is dysfunctional, everyone else's is by definition.

That's because some people think a stepmother's place is always in the wrong.

* I love my stepson as if he were my own son*

Really and truly?
Because im not a step mother but the idea of loving any child the same as my own - is totally and utterly baffling to me
I couldn’t love my nephews more…. But it’s still a drop in the ocean of my love for my own children

And the idea of another person beyond my ex and I loving our children as much as we do…. Is equally baffling )and a tad disconcerting!)

Of course my kids were taught about consequences, but there are better ways to do that without taking their Christmas presents off them. If the child had been given books or clothes or toys for Christmas would you take those too, or are Christmas presents only fair game for adults to use as parenting tools when they come as cash?

I don't really view the Christmas money as a present, as you've said yourself later in your comment, it's just his money at this point. If he happened to have an unrelated £60 that could be used instead but it's much of a muchness, the fact is (in my view) he needs to pay out of his pocket for this breakage. It's neither here nor there where that money came from. He's lucky that he happens to have more than that at present!

Make the child do chores to earn the money back. Or, as he caused his sister to be unable to play with her toy, then he shouldn’t be allowed to play with something that matters to him for a period of time so he can see how it feels.

He could do chores to earn the money back, yes, lots of people have suggested that. But why is removing something of his better? He broke something, paying to replace it is a perfectly natural consequence. I don't see why that's in any way crueller than the alternatives people are suggesting.

It made no difference which side of the (separated) family Christmas/Birthday money came from, it belonged to them. The concept of ‘mums house money’ and ‘dads house money’ is just plain weird. My children’s money was theirs, and if someone had tried to take it from them at 11 years old, even if it was their other parent, then I’d consider that to be entirely my business.

See I just don't think it is appropriate to say simultaneously that a child of 11 is too young to be able to control themselves and not break the toy, but also so old and mature that they should have total control over their finances. To me, you can't have it both ways. If their money is "theirs" rather than at least partly controlled and dictated by the parents, then they are also old enough to expect to pay for things they damage through reckless behaviour.

I don't really view the Christmas money as a present

But it was a Christmas present, and in January it’s still early enough to be seen as such IMO, rather than just ‘savings’ if it hasn’t been spend on something.

See I just don't think it is appropriate to say simultaneously that a child of 11 is too young to be able to control themselves and not break the toy, but also so old and mature that they should have total control over their finances.

where did I say that? Allowing a child to consider their Christmas money as belonging to them is not the same as giving them total control over their finances. It’s not exactly difficult to give children guidance on how to treat their money at the same time as allowing them to own it.

@LethargicActress

I don't really view the Christmas money as a present

But it was a Christmas present, and in January it’s still early enough to be seen as such IMO, rather than just ‘savings’ if it hasn’t been spend on something.

See I just don't think it is appropriate to say simultaneously that a child of 11 is too young to be able to control themselves and not break the toy, but also so old and mature that they should have total control over their finances.

where did I say that? Allowing a child to consider their Christmas money as belonging to them is not the same as giving them total control over their finances. It’s not exactly difficult to give children guidance on how to treat their money at the same time as allowing them to own it.

Yes it was given as a Christmas present... but now it's just the money that they have. Money is inherently different to items yes, for obvious reasons of what it is used for. Taking a Christmas toy off them wouldn't fix the problem.

Don't really know what to say to your bottom bit, you seem to be missing my point. If it is "their money", rather than something the parents control, then they should also be mature enough not to cause issues like this, and to take on the consequences when they do.

It made no difference which side of the (separated) family Christmas/Birthday money came from, it belonged to them. The concept of ‘mums house money’ and ‘dads house money’ is just plain weird. My children’s money was theirs, and if someone had tried to take it from them at 11 years old, even if it was their other parent, then I’d consider that to be entirely my business*

You can consider it to be. But it still isn't your business what Dad does in his own home. Same way how he shouldn't be veto'ing the way you discipline in yours (obviously extreme cases aside but this isn't a safeguarding issue).

People are told frequently on here that it's not the business of one parent what the other gets up to on their contact time (safeguarding issues aside), this is the same thing.

If the money is in his home and he chooses this as a punishment for something that happened in his home, it would be nothing to do with you.

Same as it’s my business if my kids breaks something that belongs to another child

This is completely different. Breaking something in the home of another child and their parent who's completely unrelated to you is not the same as breaking a toy in their DADS home. How he (and no I don't think there is anything wrong with his wife also discussing it with him and voicing her opinion) decides to deal with that is nothing to do with you.

Really and truly?
Because im not a step mother but the idea of loving any child the same as my own - is totally and utterly baffling to me

Yep really and truly! I've lived with his dad since he was 3 months old. He doesn't know a life without me, and I've spent almost as much time with him as his dad has. I've helped raise him since he was a baby. I'm sure it's different and much more difficult if you come into their lives at a later age.

I'm sorry you find that disconcerting. His parents both think he is incredibly blessed to have not two but four parents that love him unconditionally.

@QuirkyTurtle

*Really and truly? Because im not a step mother but the idea of loving any child the same as my own - is totally and utterly baffling to me*

Yep really and truly! I've lived with his dad since he was 3 months old. He doesn't know a life without me, and I've spent almost as much time with him as his dad has. I've helped raise him since he was a baby. I'm sure it's different and much more difficult if you come into their lives at a later age.

I'm sorry you find that disconcerting. His parents both think he is incredibly blessed to have not two but four parents that love him unconditionally.

My oldest sister is my half sister. She grew up with us. My DF loved us all equally and I love her as much as my whole siblings.

Thankyou for your comment earlier btw @QuirkyTurtle, I've just seen it!

@Toanewstart22

* I love my stepson as if he were my own son*

Really and truly?
Because im not a step mother but the idea of loving any child the same as my own - is totally and utterly baffling to me
I couldn’t love my nephews more…. But it’s still a drop in the ocean of my love for my own children

I think some SMs who don't have their own biological children, believe they love their SC as their own.

However, I've yet to meet an (honest) SM with their own kids who genuinely loves them equally.

Until you have your own children you can't make that claim as you have no comparison of how it feels to love your own child

@bongobingo43 so does that mean that no adoptive parent can really and truly love their child as their own?