I hate being a step parent since having our DC

[LolaJune]

My DD is 1 and a half. I have two DSC who are 9 & 13.

Ever since having DD I absolutely hate being a step parent. I feel really guilty about it but I don't know how to stop.

There have been a few issues where I now feel it's become a them and us situation. DH has been so focussed on ensuring DSC don't feel left out that I have gone the complete opposite way and feel like I have to fight to ensure our DD isn't.

I feel pissed off that I can't just have a normal mother and child relationship without constantly thinking about other children. Can I put these pictures up of DD or will there be too many of her and not DSC, can I buy her this, can I go here etc etc..

My parents expressed concern at Christmas that they had got DD more than my SC and did I think that was okay and I felt annoyed that I or they even had to think about that. I want my DD to be spoiled by her grandparents and to feel more special to them. My DSC get that already from their own grandparents, why do they need it from my parents too?

I know I'll get the usual 'you knew what you were getting jnto' crap but this is the problem because genuinely my feelings now are completely different than before DD was born.

I used to be quite involved, help out a lot, do things with SC alone and all sorts. Now I really don't like having to do any of it as I feel like it takes my time away from DD.

I feel so fiercely protective of her and I don't really know why. DH knows and we've argued about it before.

I so prefer our family when they aren't here because I feel like the minute they walk through the door it's all eyes on them. They are here 50:50 so not EOW.

What do I do. Will this stop?

@BrutusMcDogface

Wow. You’re being so honest, which I respect, but......honestly. You don’t want your dd to share her grandparents?! 😳

It’s a terrible way to feel, and you do need to access some kind of therapy. We all experienced PFB syndrome but you have to try and put it aside a bit in your case.

I don't want her to have to share that unique relationship with her grandparents no. I don't want her grandparents resources being pulled away from her because they are so concerned about being seen as fair to SC. My SC have that with their mum's parents, I want my DD to have it with her's. It would be a pretence for the sake of "fairness", I know my parents don't actually feel about my SC anywhere near the way they do about DD. I don't want them to pretend that they do either. It would be fake and I don't think necessary.

I just feel for the children, that’s all. Just because I was a stepchild myself. I know that if I ever had the situation where I had stepchildren living here 50%, I wouldn’t love them as much as I love my own, however they would come as a package with the man I had fallen in love with, so I would have to make it nice for them when they were here.

I totally understand I haven’t been in your shoes, though.

@LolaJune and that's absolutely fine. Have you spoken to your parents and said look it's fine not to treat them the same?

As a mother of the step child in the situation I'd would feel pretty devasted for my child in this case.

Thing is I don't think people should expect you to not have a different relationship to your child as to your step children nor should your family treated them the same however as a mother I'd expect my child to feel welcome to find his father home another safe haven in the same way he does at my home, I would just wanted him treated like part of the family, to muck in but be part of age appropriate things. You need to dicuss you feelings with your dh try to carve time separately but also encourage him to have separately quality time with his dc aswell

[quote KiloWhat]@LolaJune and that's absolutely fine. Have you spoken to your parents and said look it's fine not to treat them the same?[/quote]
Yes I told them they don't need to worry about it and SC have their grandparents.

I wouldn’t love them as much as I love my own,
Fair enough and no one would ask you too

I would have to make it nice for them when they were here. OP isn't making it unnice she's just not doing the "mumming" and parenting that dad thinks she should be doing.

But they genuinely won’t have the same kind of relationship with them as they do with your dd. They just won’t. Your dd is their baby’s baby, and nothing will change that or come close to it. Presents are a little inconsequential really.

[quote Magda72]@Mufasa1118 I truly am very sorry for your experience reading your updates but your dad is entirely at fault here. Your sm may have been a piece of work but no man with any moral backbone would let another person turn him away from his dc.[/quote]
What. That's truly awful. As an adult you bear responsibility.

Absolving someone from taking responsibility for their own actions is ridiculous

@LolaJune that's good. I only had to tell my parents that once and they relaxed so much. Its nice your parents are concerned about the DSC too but hopefully they'll relax a little as time goes on?

@Lifeisnteasy

OP, how do you think you would feel if 2 of your children only spent 50% of their time with you? Given your strength of feeling for your DD? I can appreciate it annoys you, but it’s only natural he worries and to some extent overcompensates for the fact he lives with one of his children but not the other two.

If you and your DH split and he went on to have yet more children with another woman, how would you want her to treat your DD? It would probably break your heart if she was described as a ‘cuckoo in the nest’.

I understand a lot of your feelings are coming from a primal maternal place, but it’s up to you to reason with yourself here. You do need to speak to your DH regarding school drop offs etc, you should only be expected to do that in an emergency if you were available etc. But the onus is on you as an adult who chose a man with pre existing children, to be reasonable about it.

Yes I would hate to think of DD being thought of this way. I appreciate my feelings aren't all nice. They are what they are though. I'm glad I've wrote them down here and that I'm not the only one.

I was actually seeing a counsellor before Covid an about something completely unrelated to this situation and was thinking about taking her up again now. It would be good to talk it all through with someone.

I don't think that someone can be DH. He obviously has too much bias in one direction (as do I toward DD) I think us talking about this would just cement the us Vs them even more and I dont think he'd be able to have a rational conversation if he knew all this understandably.

It's DD I feel protective over when it comes to his attention, not me.

Unfortunately he has 3 kids so that means his attention needs to be divided by 3.

Your shared child also gets his attention on their own for 50% of the year which is more than most children do.

How would you feel if they needed to come and live with you FT?

I think it’s normal for some people to struggle at first once you’ve had your own child because it’s a completely different dynamic but then it should get easier.

I don’t know if this relationship is going to last.

How would you feel if they needed to come and live with you FT?

I would hate it. I pray this never happens tbh.

@LolaJune

How would you feel if they needed to come and live with you FT?

I would hate it. I pray this never happens tbh.

Gawd I hope they don’t have any big teenage bust ups with their mum

Unfortunately he has 3 kids so that means his attention needs to be divided by 3

And I know. I do. As I say, my feelings are not always rational.

Gawd I hope they don’t have any big teenage bust ups with their mum

Me too.

Magda72
@Mufasa1118 I truly am very sorry for your experience reading your updates but your dad is entirely at fault here. Your sm may have been a piece of work but no man with any moral backbone would let another person turn him away from his dc.
What. That's truly awful. As an adult you bear responsibility.

Absolving someone from taking responsibility for their own actions is ridiculous
@Casper001 can you please explain what you mean here?

Could you try and think of the positives they might gain from the sibling relationship and start seeing it as an asset?
My mum remarried and I now have a younger sibling 15 years my junior.
My brother and I have each taken her on holiday/shopping/cinema many times etc and provided a sensible adult ear when she was having teen trouble she didn't want to share with parents

I don't think it's that surprising giving the topic of the thread that I don't want them to move in here full time though. Why would I when this is how I feel? I'm not going to write everything I've written here and then be like "oh yes I'd be over the moon if they lived here permanently".

Hopefully by the time anything like that ever happened (if it did) I'd be some way to resolving these feelings.

@nellly

Could you try and think of the positives they might gain from the sibling relationship and start seeing it as an asset? My mum remarried and I now have a younger sibling 15 years my junior. My brother and I have each taken her on holiday/shopping/cinema many times etc and provided a sensible adult ear when she was having teen trouble she didn't want to share with parents

It's weird because I actually do really like this aspect of it. I like seeing them interact together, genuinely. I'm glad that my daughter has siblings. The way I feel on both sides are at odds with each other in a way. I see the positives but then the negatives or what I perceive as negatives weigh in as well.

Essentially your daughter will be living with her mum and dad 24/7 which the step children will not, so I feel it all balances out.

This is just such a fucked up way of thinking.

Nobody would even THINK to say this about a mum’s children who have different fathers and one has their parents both living together. Because it’s just not a normal way to think is it?

The only way I can describe it is I feel in constant "fight" mode. Like I am always having to fight to keep all of me for DD. I don't want to do anything for SC because I'm DDs mother not theirs, I don't want my DD to have to share her grandparents time/effort/gifts whatever, I WANT my DD to be the centre of my world in the way any only child would be to their mother because she may not be her dad's only child but she is mine.

Not saying that's all rational but it what goes round in my head. And DH going on about photos and things just makes that even worse.

I feel 100% the same OP. I have two young DC and two older SDC similar age gap as you. I often fantasise about leaving and just being me and my DDs. I don't have and answers but just sending solidarity. I look at other nuclear families and want to cry for what I don't have. And no, no one could ever know what they're getting into before becoming a stepparent.

@LolaJune

The only way I can describe it is I feel in constant "fight" mode. Like I am always having to fight to keep all of me for DD. I don't want to do anything for SC because I'm DDs mother not theirs, I don't want my DD to have to share her grandparents time/effort/gifts whatever, I WANT my DD to be the centre of my world in the way any only child would be to their mother because she may not be her dad's only child but she is mine.

Not saying that's all rational but it what goes round in my head. And DH going on about photos and things just makes that even worse.

And that’s understandable, you shouldn’t have to ‘parent’ the SC.

How old is your daughter?

I don't think it's that surprising giving the topic of the thread that I don't want them to move in here full time though.

But that’s a real possibility though.
I know many people who now have their children more than 50% of the time when they didn’t before.

My friend is a step mum and she said that once she became a mum herself it made her a better step mum.

But my brothers ex who doesn’t have kids and thought she would be fine being a step mum to his DD EOW but she couldn’t so they broke up.

But that’s a real possibility though

Yes it is. I just responded to being asked how I'd feel about it. The truth is I'd hate it.