I hate being a step parent since having our DC

[LolaJune]

My DD is 1 and a half. I have two DSC who are 9 & 13.

Ever since having DD I absolutely hate being a step parent. I feel really guilty about it but I don't know how to stop.

There have been a few issues where I now feel it's become a them and us situation. DH has been so focussed on ensuring DSC don't feel left out that I have gone the complete opposite way and feel like I have to fight to ensure our DD isn't.

I feel pissed off that I can't just have a normal mother and child relationship without constantly thinking about other children. Can I put these pictures up of DD or will there be too many of her and not DSC, can I buy her this, can I go here etc etc..

My parents expressed concern at Christmas that they had got DD more than my SC and did I think that was okay and I felt annoyed that I or they even had to think about that. I want my DD to be spoiled by her grandparents and to feel more special to them. My DSC get that already from their own grandparents, why do they need it from my parents too?

I know I'll get the usual 'you knew what you were getting jnto' crap but this is the problem because genuinely my feelings now are completely different than before DD was born.

I used to be quite involved, help out a lot, do things with SC alone and all sorts. Now I really don't like having to do any of it as I feel like it takes my time away from DD.

I feel so fiercely protective of her and I don't really know why. DH knows and we've argued about it before.

I so prefer our family when they aren't here because I feel like the minute they walk through the door it's all eyes on them. They are here 50:50 so not EOW.

What do I do. Will this stop?

@LolaJune

The only way I can describe it is I feel in constant "fight" mode. Like I am always having to fight to keep all of me for DD. I don't want to do anything for SC because I'm DDs mother not theirs, I don't want my DD to have to share her grandparents time/effort/gifts whatever, I WANT my DD to be the centre of my world in the way any only child would be to their mother because she may not be her dad's only child but she is mine.

Not saying that's all rational but it what goes round in my head. And DH going on about photos and things just makes that even worse.

I think it's natural to feel that way to an extent. I think the fervour with which you're feeling it is down to how your DH is handling it. If he knocked that on the head you would feel considerably more relaxed about it, even if it's how you felt at your core. I feel relaxed in the knowledge all of me is for DD and I can just interact with DSS around that, because I'm not dealing with the expectation that I should be giving more of myself. It's not a source of contention, so all is peaceful.

Fair play to you for being honest, sounds like a good idea to reconnect with your counsellor if you found it helped before

Do you think your mental health is ok otherwise? I’m only saying that as when I had my first I felt really protective, couldn’t imagine having another child as I loved him so much and felt like I wanted to spend every minute of every day with him. A few years down the line I have a second and of course they have to share me and you know what, they’re both absolutely fine with that! They also have a lovely relationship together which is something that your DD will hopefully have with her stepbrothers. They’re not ‘taking away’ from her, any extra love can only be a good thing? She will grow and interact with them and it’s lovely to watch. I think maybe I had PND or at least post natal anxiety first time round. This time I just feel more free and ‘normal’.

Also things like photos when you have more than one Dc you have to balance out a bit- just put a new one of each child out. I do agree with the grandparents though as they have their own. I’m sure they will end up spoiling your DD more over time though.

Gawd I hope they don’t have any big teenage bust ups with their mum even if they did it doesn't mean they get to go and live with dad. Most kids don't get a choice

Also things like photos when you have more than one Dc you have to balance out a bit- just put a new one of each child out OP doesn't have to. DH can sort his own photos out and shut up about it

I think by treating sc differently your dh is actually creating a wedge between them and your child. Family is family and should be treated equally.

I had a baby recently and oldest sc (10) was full of anxiety about it. Refused to come over, completely and utterly miserable when he did. But after speaking to him and showing him through actions, that nothing has changed- he still has exactly the same relationship with his dad, his bedroom is still his, he gets the same for Xmas and birthdays as dc (monetary equivalent) and there's no favourites. Obviously my parents spent different amounts on them as they already have grand parents! But it was done subtly. ( our Xmas all kids opened one present from them then the next day when we went to theirs without sc my dc had a few more gifts, which were never a secret but was done fairly. He still has his nickname and dc has a separate one.

Once he saw the apple cart had not been rocked, and an additional person did not equate to change his anxiety died down and he actually enjoys coming over!

I think treating kids differently does more harm than good.

From reading your other messages I think a strong sense of them and us filters through. It's a telling statement when you say family if three and your inner intentions impact your actions whether you want it to be that way or not!

Being a blended family isn't easy, there are so many barriers and political situations- but however you feel you have to rise above that. By being with you partner you take on a duty of care to his children. If you can't accept that you are going to make life so difficult and miserable for your entire family for decades to come.

My situation is complex, I have a child from a previous relationship who is with me 100% of the time, calls my husband dad and is fully accepting of our family dynamic. I have a child with my husband who has no clue to family politics. I have two step children who we see eow. They both have a very different upbringing to my children. The younger one is very accepting of our family set up- she would like more time with her dad but apart from that she loves coming to ours and is settled at home.

The elder as I eluded to earlier finds family challenging. He wants his parents together, he wants me and my children not to exist, he finds the situation so stressful. I have gone through every emotion going with him from complete rejection to complete acceptance. And although he doesn't know any of that- I came to realise wow he is 10! He grieves for his family, he has a negative message at home about us and our family set up constantly, he misses his dad, yet at ours he misses his mom, he worries constantly about things he shouldn't never have to worry about.

I may not love him like my own children but he is my step child, I do love him in a different way even his challenging behaviour because it comes from fear of rejection and hurt. It's not easy for him but I will not simply think of my own interests- I choose him and I will not now disregard him because it's the easy option. He has a great counsellor who works with us all to ensure his well-being and mental health.

You chose this life, you can't pick and chose which bits you want which bits you don't. Your actions have huge consequences so make sure you treat those kids with the duty of care they deserve. It isn't easy but the more you care the easier it gets.

After all I've typed- last weekend my SS said to me 'you know what littlepaws- your super power is kindness' that makes the struggle melt away!

@Littlepaws18

I think this is a really good approach. It does take time to adjust to a new family member.

@Littlepaws18 how old was your son when your DH came into his life?

My daughter was 4, she is now 8. Her bio dad she never knew, we always called my husband by his name until she asked one day to change it. It's strange because my step son never ever had any issues with my daughter even though she calls him dad and is here 100% of the time. He worries about my baby son because he's a boy- before he was the only boy. But we recognise that and know that for him words don't work it's actions- like still referring to him as his special nickname, having some daddy son time, spending time with me alone too building that bond. And most importantly having full family time where we are all enjoying an activity together. He is slowly getting there, as am I. Step families are so hard!

@Littlepaws18 I have to be honest & say I take a dim view of children calling a stepparent ‘mum’ or ‘dad’. I’m not surprised the son isn’t too impressed, that must hurt him even if he hasn’t said so - that another child lives with his father and calls him dad. It sounds like you’re otherwise handling things well, but I think letting your daughter call him dad was a mistake to be honest.

It doesn't hurt him at all and that's her relationship with him which is separate to his. If he did have an issue with it we would help him overcome that issue. His mom has your view towards me, I am never to be called mom ever! And although I don't think either of us would want that because our relationship is very different to that of my husband and daughter- I only see him 10% of his life! But never the less I have a space in it- they have a nickname for me that they made that works well- and doesn't offend anyone.

However, even though mom made it perfectly clear to them never to call me it- that has caused it's own issues as he actually wants to (not anything to do with me) call me step mom and I thought at the time why!!! But he said I just do- so in order to not offend, I said well if you like send me cards with that on if you feel you want to and call me by my nickname. It's totally his choice.

This is the hard bit of step Parenting I think- we need a name that's entirely separate to mom- because he has a mum who loves him like a mum should, and will be there for him no matter what. That position is completely filled. I on the other hand am something entirely different- I still have a duty of care and love him but I'm a littlepaws not a mum to him!

In regards to my daughter the situation is very different, he is her dad, he does everything a dad should he's there 100% and he will adopt her in time.

Another thought and sorry op I'm hogging your thread so I will shut up! Think to the future also your sc and dc are brothers and sisters with a lasting bond. My husband has step brothers and sisters and it's lovely to see how they are simply brothers and sisters even with the age gap. That for me is the goal. And now I won't add anymore to this thread as my situation shouldn't be the focus- sorry!

[quote Lifeisnteasy]@Littlepaws18 I have to be honest & say I take a dim view of children calling a stepparent ‘mum’ or ‘dad’. I’m not surprised the son isn’t too impressed, that must hurt him even if he hasn’t said so - that another child lives with his father and calls him dad. It sounds like you’re otherwise handling things well, but I think letting your daughter call him dad was a mistake to be honest.[/quote]
Little paws means her shared son with her DH is the one her DSS finds hard to completely accept.

Her DSS doesn’t sound like he is unhappy about OP’s older DC calling his dad, dad.

I find your
"It's not for me it's for DD" thought process fake. I think if you and a councillor looked into it more it's about YOU. You're not getting to be a "first time parent" that's something you can never have again and you've never experienced it because of DSC
Equally you're not getting that doting first father attention either.
Thanks ☺️

The reason I say fake for DD is children don't get a choice if they are born first, middle, baby child, one of many or only child. They don't know any different they only know their experience. (See Mumsnet always debating are only children lonely) you can lament that she's not a first born or you could lament if she had been a twin or an only child with no one to play with. Get some help and try to be a blended family OR you might find yourself one one day, it's not always your choice as I very well know

@Littlepaws18 but he isn’t her dad he’s her (very loving, very involved) step dad.

You confidently assert that it doesn’t hurt him but I would be surprised if this was truly the case.

I can’t help but feel that this ‘oh but he is her dad, step siblings can be just like real siblings’ stuff is the parents trying to play ‘fantasy family’ at the expense of the kids. My parents did it to me and it pissed me off no end, although at the time I didn’t object because I was a people pleaser.

There doesn’t need to be a ‘special word’ they can just call you Amy or Sue or whatever your name is.

@Littlepaws18 your situation is incredibly unique.

Your husband has fully taken on parental responsibility for a child who is not his and who is with you 100% of the time. A child who calls your husband ‘dad’. Then your SC are there EOW.

I think if most of us had the above dynamics, I am pretty sure that we too would have worked a lot harder with the SC. Why? Because our child is gaining 100% of a father figure (and with that perhaps providing financial support - sorry if that is wrong) in return for you working at the EOW situation.

It’s not really a comparative situation is it?

And of course it impacts a child to hear a child non related to their Parent who lives with said parent 100% of the one call them ‘dad’. How you can say that doesn’t impact a 10 year old is a little beyond me.

Sorry typo predictive text with the
'Thanks 😊'

Dunno how

This is a tough one OP and I think you probably need a therapist to guide you through. This has got conflict written all over it. Your DH must feel utterly torn and actually quite betrayed that he's now found out how little you care for his older kids. Could you try having 1:1 time with them when they are with you? My guess is your DH is overreacting and feeling protective of his kids because he can see how much you don't want them there.....it puts him in an impossible position. You might have to take it until you make it. The reality is your DD isn't an only child and she has half-siblings. And someday when you're gone these are the people that will be her family.

The child should always be thought of first. It really astounds me when adults think of themselves first. It's so immature.

I had a boyfriend for two years. He had a 5 year old son. His son was with us every second weekend. I played with, loved and helped care for his son when he was with us. He was an innocent child.

I really can't understand grown adults who say they dislike children. It's shocking

Frazzled is right in that it's not my daughters relationship that's the issue but my son! My daughter didn't call him dad over night and your messages have really made me reflect on why her relationship was never an issue, because it hasn't ever been. And that's because she wasn't just bonding with him but then also. We are incredibly lucky 🍀 n that generally they all get on, to the point where they do consider themselves to be siblings. And so as her relationship with their dad built so did theirs with her. I was always on the lookout for signs of stress but there never was any. The boat for us was massively rocked when my son came into the equation. I never expected it to be an issue because my SS got on so well with my daughter. But I can completely see why he was a threat to him and we have all worked hard to overcome that. It's not 100% solved we are by no means the Waltons but it's hugely improved.

And someone posted that this is unique and not relevant and I completely agree! I never intended my situation to hog the thread. Apologies for that again. But there is a link- and what I was trying to say but badly was that op your situation is challenging because you view yourself in two separate families and I can understand why you feel that way but it has lasting consequences. I felt that way too when things were at their worst- but it only ever improved when I changed that focus.

I really can't understand grown adults who say they dislike children. It's shocking it's not really. So many different personalities in the world.

My guess is your DH is overreacting and feeling protective of his kids because he can see how much you don't want them there.....it puts him in an impossible position.
@Deisogn or maybe op is feeling protective of her dd because she can see how she gets sidelined by her father when her half siblings are over & that is putting op in an impossible position!

I really can't understand grown adults who say they dislike children

Where have I said I dislike them? It's a lot more complex than that.

@KiloWhat

But then why marry someone with children?

@Mufasa1118

The child should always be thought of first. It really astounds me when adults think of themselves first. It's so immature.

I had a boyfriend for two years. He had a 5 year old son. His son was with us every second weekend. I played with, loved and helped care for his son when he was with us. He was an innocent child.

I really can't understand grown adults who say they dislike children. It's shocking

You can't pour from an empty cup.