I hate being a step parent since having our DC

[LolaJune]

My DD is 1 and a half. I have two DSC who are 9 & 13.

Ever since having DD I absolutely hate being a step parent. I feel really guilty about it but I don't know how to stop.

There have been a few issues where I now feel it's become a them and us situation. DH has been so focussed on ensuring DSC don't feel left out that I have gone the complete opposite way and feel like I have to fight to ensure our DD isn't.

I feel pissed off that I can't just have a normal mother and child relationship without constantly thinking about other children. Can I put these pictures up of DD or will there be too many of her and not DSC, can I buy her this, can I go here etc etc..

My parents expressed concern at Christmas that they had got DD more than my SC and did I think that was okay and I felt annoyed that I or they even had to think about that. I want my DD to be spoiled by her grandparents and to feel more special to them. My DSC get that already from their own grandparents, why do they need it from my parents too?

I know I'll get the usual 'you knew what you were getting jnto' crap but this is the problem because genuinely my feelings now are completely different than before DD was born.

I used to be quite involved, help out a lot, do things with SC alone and all sorts. Now I really don't like having to do any of it as I feel like it takes my time away from DD.

I feel so fiercely protective of her and I don't really know why. DH knows and we've argued about it before.

I so prefer our family when they aren't here because I feel like the minute they walk through the door it's all eyes on them. They are here 50:50 so not EOW.

What do I do. Will this stop?

@LolaJune

And yes I do prefer it when my SC aren't here because we can be a family of 3 and my DD doesn't have the share the attention.

I UNDERSTAND that is unreasonable. I do. I understand my SC are in the same position of having to share him as well. I completely appreciate it's not a nice or even logical way to feel. I'm just saying how I feel.

So basically some of it is him and his expectations and other parts are just me. It probably is a bit of the cuckoo in the nest type thing. I accept that.

It's good you seem to be able to identify what is you and what is him. He does need to adjust his expectations of you. Your child deserves to have the best of you, it's such a tricky balance being a stepmum and a mum.

I feel the same.

@sadpapercourtesan

The SC aren't going anywhere, though, they're there for the duration, you know that. So if anything is going to change, it has to be your attitude to them. Would you consider family therapy? Would your DH?

I'm not just being patronising, btw. We have had family therapy ourselves.

I think what has to change is also DH's attitude to OP. The photos thing is ridiculous.

@BrutusMcDogface

Can I just say, my sister in law has two stepchildren and they are treated as part of the family by everyone. Treated exactly the same in terms of gifts etc. So what if they have other grandparents? They are from a broken home, as was I, and believe me it’s hard not knowing where you belong. Being in two homes isn’t as nice as being in one.

I just hope the kids don’t pick up on this.

See I would HATE this. Id hate it if my family doted on my SC the way they do DD. I want her to have that unique relationship with her family and not have to share that.

I guess it makes a difference that my SC have never really seen my family as their family so they don't expect it.

I'd be really resentful though if it were like that.

Again, not suggesting that's entirely reasonable but it is how I feel.

Having read your updates, your feelings still sound normal. It's a shame you haven't been given the space to relate to people about it on here, people do not realise how much worse they are making the situation by responding as though you are a monster. In the real world, feelings aren't totally seperate to the people they are linked to as posters on here seem to think they should be. So if your DH is making the whole situation around the SC annoying, then it will be annoying to you.

Things like the picture frames question are irritating in the same way that men asking their wives if they've sorted a Christmas present for their MIL is annoying. It's wife work. You want him to think about this stuff himself, and he should. Situations like that will feel doubly annoying following on from incidents like the one where he got angry at you for not being available for childcare he'd assumed you would do. That was totally unreasonable and will have soured the situation for you.

I think you need to have a talk with your DH about his expectations, especially when it comes to assumed childcare. That is the root of the problem.

I felt exactly the same once my DC came along and I resisted it and it spoiled my relationship with DC dad. I wanted family Xmas and holidays just us and it’s horrible to feel that way. What I can say is later the SC are incredibly close to my DC and they helped entertain on holidays etc they are now have grown into lovely adults. I think some therapy would be good perhaps just in your own a place to vent freely I really regret my feelings as it really did help with the demise of my relationship with DH.

@LolaJune I would hate it too and I think my DSC would be weirded out by it aswell. There are so many different dynamics in step families it isn't all one size fits all so don't feel bad if you read something here and think that you just can't imagine your set up being like that

You sound pretty self-aware, I think this change in feelings after your own child comes is pretty common but isn't talked about enough. I think you all need to come clean about how you're feeling and recalibrate expectations, especially as you describe being swept along by "how a family should be" when you first became a stepparent. If your DH isn't as self-aware as you and wouldn't be able to cope with that process, then I don't know what the answer is - it's not right for any of the children for things to carry on as they are.

Tbf to DH it could well be the fact he's noticed some of how I feel and that has lead to him being hyper alert and ridiculous in other aspects, i.e. the photo thing. But it does just heighten my own feelings when stuff like that happens as it's a literal example of me feeling unable to prioritise my own child without being judged for it. Or feeling like DHs first thought in these scenarios is SC. Like rather than appreciating the photo of DD his brain immediately just thinks "DSC". If there were a picture being put up of SC though you can guarantee his first thought wouldn't be "oh but what about DD, does she have the same amount of pictures?".

It sounds pathetic I know.

@KiloWhat I think the photo thing makes more sense in the context of what OP is saying. He knows her relationship with the SC has sharply deteriorated and he probably doesn't feel able to raise it openly, or doesn't know how to articulate it. He's anxious about his kids being pushed out, because they are.

Situations like that will feel doubly annoying following on from incidents like the one where he got angry at you for not being available for childcare he'd assumed you would do.

I think then he was more hurt that I was choosing to go to a child friendly place my SC would like on half term and refused to take them once I found out they were with us. If I'd been going to my friends for a coffee he'd have accepted he should have checked first and would take the hit and stay off work with them. It was where I was going... Apparently.

OP, how do you think you would feel if 2 of your children only spent 50% of their time with you? Given your strength of feeling for your DD? I can appreciate it annoys you, but it’s only natural he worries and to some extent overcompensates for the fact he lives with one of his children but not the other two.

If you and your DH split and he went on to have yet more children with another woman, how would you want her to treat your DD? It would probably break your heart if she was described as a ‘cuckoo in the nest’.

I understand a lot of your feelings are coming from a primal maternal place, but it’s up to you to reason with yourself here. You do need to speak to your DH regarding school drop offs etc, you should only be expected to do that in an emergency if you were available etc. But the onus is on you as an adult who chose a man with pre existing children, to be reasonable about it.

I sort of get the day out thing. He absolutely shouldn't have assumed but I likely would have happily invited them along before DD.

You need to tell your DH exactly how you feel, he needs to be able to decide if this is what he wants for his children.

You made a family with those children, you were playing at families with them and now you have your own you don't want them near your precious family of three. Imagine how they must feel at your behaviour.

Your husband's children are siblings, they are family all of the time. If this was a romantic relationship people would say you have the Ick, it's really hard to come back from that and it doesn't sound like you want to.

Now I'm not as forthcoming, I don't want to look after them during school holidays, I don't want to take them to school, I don't want to do the activities we used to do alone together. I am completely focused on my daughter and I feel anything else is pulling my resources away from her for children who aren't mine. I'm quite happy to just let DH and his ex crack on with their kids and not involve me at all.

You are being incredibly honest which I applaud you for.

You know you are BU which is great and shows you’re not an awful person.

Try and think of things from your child’s view.
They love their siblings.
It’s not much fun doing activities with just your mum and dad so they will enjoy things more when their siblings are around.

Maybe have DH do special things with just his kids or all 3 of them without you, so you’re not feeling like you’re the one having to make an effort as they’re still getting their special time.

Do you think you are a bit jealous of the attention they get from DH?

[quote sadpapercourtesan]@KiloWhat I think the photo thing makes more sense in the context of what OP is saying. He knows her relationship with the SC has sharply deteriorated and he probably doesn't feel able to raise it openly, or doesn't know how to articulate it. He's anxious about his kids being pushed out, because they are.[/quote]
True good point. I had a thread on here about christmas cards so understand sometimes it's the seemingly smaller things that can be metaphors for bigger things.

OP, Maybe sit down and have a chat before the next half term? Decide what day you'll all do something together and what days you're doing your own thing?

@BrutusMcDogface

I’ve also been lucky enough to have a stepdad who loves us as his own. I’ve just read your latest post, OP. There’s no way the kids won’t notice this.

Helpful.

Wow. You’re being so honest, which I respect, but......honestly. You don’t want your dd to share her grandparents?! 😳

It’s a terrible way to feel, and you do need to access some kind of therapy. We all experienced PFB syndrome but you have to try and put it aside a bit in your case.

@aSofaNearYou

I’m trying to get the op to see things from her stepchildren’s point of view.

If all she wants is validation then she shouldn’t have posted on mumsnet.

I don’t think OP said that she doesn’t want DD to share her grandparents. She just said she wanted that unique bond to be there between her parents and her DD. It doesn’t mean she wants her parents to love her DSC less.

@LolaJune are you the poster who had plans to spend a day at a play farm with family and it was suddenly expected that you accommodate your SC very last minute? And your DH was unhappy that you didn’t?

@LolaJune

Situations like that will feel doubly annoying following on from incidents like the one where he got angry at you for not being available for childcare he'd assumed you would do.

I think then he was more hurt that I was choosing to go to a child friendly place my SC would like on half term and refused to take them once I found out they were with us. If I'd been going to my friends for a coffee he'd have accepted he should have checked first and would take the hit and stay off work with them. It was where I was going... Apparently.

I think you're making excuses for him. You said you felt railroaded into doing these things beforehand. That's very common but actually very manipulative and not on.

It's also natural that things will have changed now that you have a small child to watch, 3 then becomes much harder.

A parent should never, ever assume their partner will provide childcare, or be resentful when they don't. It's pushy and entitled.

Do you think you are a bit jealous of the attention they get from DH?

Genuinely no I don't feel jealous. I'd actually love some time alone whilst DH took them all out. I'm not bothered on my behalf. It's DD I feel protective over when it comes to his attention, not me.

@BrutusMcDogface

Wow. You’re being so honest, which I respect, but......honestly. You don’t want your dd to share her grandparents?! 😳

It’s a terrible way to feel, and you do need to access some kind of therapy. We all experienced PFB syndrome but you have to try and put it aside a bit in your case.

This is a perfectly normal thing to want, it shouldn't even need to be articulated.

[quote BrutusMcDogface]@aSofaNearYou

I’m trying to get the op to see things from her stepchildren’s point of view.

If all she wants is validation then she shouldn’t have posted on mumsnet.[/quote]
Saying you were lucky to have a step parent who loved you as much as his own is spectacularly unhelpful. Yes you were lucky, most people will not feel that way, it's too high an aspiration.