I hate being a step parent since having our DC

[LolaJune]

My DD is 1 and a half. I have two DSC who are 9 & 13.

Ever since having DD I absolutely hate being a step parent. I feel really guilty about it but I don't know how to stop.

There have been a few issues where I now feel it's become a them and us situation. DH has been so focussed on ensuring DSC don't feel left out that I have gone the complete opposite way and feel like I have to fight to ensure our DD isn't.

I feel pissed off that I can't just have a normal mother and child relationship without constantly thinking about other children. Can I put these pictures up of DD or will there be too many of her and not DSC, can I buy her this, can I go here etc etc..

My parents expressed concern at Christmas that they had got DD more than my SC and did I think that was okay and I felt annoyed that I or they even had to think about that. I want my DD to be spoiled by her grandparents and to feel more special to them. My DSC get that already from their own grandparents, why do they need it from my parents too?

I know I'll get the usual 'you knew what you were getting jnto' crap but this is the problem because genuinely my feelings now are completely different than before DD was born.

I used to be quite involved, help out a lot, do things with SC alone and all sorts. Now I really don't like having to do any of it as I feel like it takes my time away from DD.

I feel so fiercely protective of her and I don't really know why. DH knows and we've argued about it before.

I so prefer our family when they aren't here because I feel like the minute they walk through the door it's all eyes on them. They are here 50:50 so not EOW.

What do I do. Will this stop?

@Mufasa1118

If a stepmother is in all likelihood going to dislike her stepchildren, I do think there should be laws put in place banning step parents from being around step children.

Think of it.

There is a woman who has to look after a child.

This child stays in her house. This child takes a lot of her resources.
This child is taking a lot of attention and love from her partner, she is jealous of the attention and love shown to the child.

This is also not any child.

This is the child of another woman who her partner used to love.

The child reminds her of the previous woman that her partner used to love

Of course the stepmother is more than likely going to dislike the child!

Then why do you not blame the partner for bringing such apparently inevitable hatred into his child's life?

This argument would have more weight shared with single parents, since they're the ones that would actually be impacted by it.

Magda72

You said
"Mufasa1118 you & your friends experience is that your stepmothers ruined your lives.
But surely it was your parents responsibility to monitor the dynamics in your 'blended' situations & as such it is your parents 'fault' that you were not kept safe.
If my child was desperately unhappy with a step parent I would do everything in my power to address what was going on & if I thought that my partner was in anyway mistreating my child (my expectation of that partner would be that they are kind & respectful to my child but I would also expect the same of my child to my partner) I would be gone."

Yes, but it is all too common that an adult will choose romantic love before their children.

My dad chose my stepmother over me . Me and my stepmother hated each other so much, that she eventually told my father that she didn't want him to see me ever again. That she would leave him if he saw me again.

And he cut me off. He chose her. He never saw me again. What is awful is that before he met her, he was actually a very kind and caring dad to me. He was so loving.

Once he met her, she didn't want me around at all, she refused to have me around, she didn't want him to even visit me at all and then he (and he was to blame too) cut me out of his life.

So yes my dad was an awful man too.

You would think parents would put their children first, when they meet someone new, but many dont.

Jealousy is steaming out of the posts defending SM. It’s very simple really. Do not date men who have children when you are incapable of not resenting a child. A CHILD.

*There is a woman who has to look after a child.

This child stays in her house. This child takes a lot of her resources.*
But @Mufasa1118 this is not how it should be! No man should expect his partner to look after or rear his child! That's the WHOLE problem with stepmotherhood! This belief that because stepmothers are female they should rear the man's children! They shouldn't - that's a job for the child's parents!!!!
NO stepmother should be put under such pressure. If a man can't take on the majority of childcare when he has his dc then he shouldn't have them OR, he should change up his work (if he can) & free time so HE can have his children.

@Magda72

*There is a woman who has to look after a child.

This child stays in her house. This child takes a lot of her resources.*
But @Mufasa1118 this is not how it should be! No man should expect his partner to look after or rear his child! That's the WHOLE problem with stepmotherhood! This belief that because stepmothers are female they should rear the man's children! They shouldn't - that's a job for the child's parents!!!!
NO stepmother should be put under such pressure. If a man can't take on the majority of childcare when he has his dc then he shouldn't have them OR, he should change up his work (if he can) & free time so HE can have his children.

But there’s no evidence this is happening here, is there?

@Mufasa1118 I truly am very sorry for your experience reading your updates but your dad is entirely at fault here. Your sm may have been a piece of work but no man with any moral backbone would let another person turn him away from his dc.

@Dancingonmoonlight

Jealousy is steaming out of the posts defending SM. It’s very simple really. Do not date men who have children when you are incapable of not resenting a child. A CHILD.

😂

Can I just say, my sister in law has two stepchildren and they are treated as part of the family by everyone. Treated exactly the same in terms of gifts etc. So what if they have other grandparents? They are from a broken home, as was I, and believe me it’s hard not knowing where you belong. Being in two homes isn’t as nice as being in one.

I just hope the kids don’t pick up on this.

Thanks for the reply, only just had time to come back to the thread.

I think my feelings around having to "fight DDs corner" come from both real life examples and also some irrational worries on my part. It isn't all DH, not at all. He does do lots with DD and he shows her love every day.

It's actually more the expectations on me that get my back up. Rightly or wrongly I'm no longer interested in playing mummy to 3 kids when they are here. I probably set myself up a bit here as we did used to have a "we are a team with 2 kids" kind of set up where I was happy to pitch in with various things. Now I'm not as forthcoming, I don't want to look after them during school holidays, I don't want to take them to school, I don't want to do the activities we used to do alone together. I am completely focused on my daughter and I feel anything else is pulling my resources away from her for children who aren't mine. I'm quite happy to just let DH and his ex crack on with their kids and not involve me at all. But it's a stark contrast to how it was before so DH has obviously noticed and he isn't stupid so he knows why.

There have been a few occasions where comments have been made about me putting pictures up of DD, "is there enough up of DSC?" And I just feel like saying "I don't know, put some up if you're bothered". I get it, he's worried that they'll feel left out but I'm not stopping him from doing the same thing, he can put whatever pictures up he wants. But I hate the feeling that I can't just put up a picture of my child without thinking "hmm how many of DD does this make now? Best count the ones of DSC too and make sure they are the same" quite frankly, I don't care how many pictures are up of them.

It's the same with days out. Usually it's fine if I go somewhere with DD. But I got it in the neck once for taking her somewhere fun with my friends kids during half term whilst my SC were at home with DH. It was a spontaneous trip and my friend asked if I wanted to go. I was on maternity so agreed. Assumed DH had sorted DSC with ex considering it was half term but no he had hoped they'd be staying at home with me and then didn't understand why I wouldn't take them with me. I just wanted to get out of the house with my friend and our kids.

On the comments about step parents killing their SC, Emma Tustin etc.. I would obviously never hurt anyone, ever. I don't even dislike my SC. They are nice kids and believe it or not we actually do get on. I just don't want to be in a parent role to them.

This thread has become bonkers. We know too little about what is happening. And some of the comments are off the wall bizarre.

Step parents who struggle with their children shouldn’t be around them? Christ? What about parents who struggle with their children? Should they too be removed from interacting with their children?

There was a thread on here about a SM citing that her DH continues to baby a 13 year old boy. Completely inept parenting that I’d failing to equip the child with any critical life skills that would make them a respectful housemate / person to live with. There are multiple threads on the parenting board with parents frustrated with their teens.

If you took that poster Op and replaced Ss with DS, the responses would have been 100% in favour of the OP. It was the simple fact that this was a step parenting scenario that lead to differing advice.

Bluntly some parents need to step up and parent their children properly or simply step away. Inept / unboundaried SP’s are far more damaging to their DC than any SP.

• My dad chose my stepmother over me . Me and my stepmother hated each other so much, that she eventually told my father that she didn't want him to see me ever again. That she would leave him if he saw me again.

And he cut me off. He chose her. He never saw me again. What is awful is that before he met her, he was actually a very kind and caring dad to me. He was so loving.

Once he met her, she didn't want me around at all, she refused to have me around, she didn't want him to even visit me at all and then he (and he was to blame too) cut me out of his life.

So yes my dad was an awful man too.

You would think parents would put their children first, when they meet someone new, but many dont.*

This is EXACTLY what my biological dad did to me and my sibling.

@Tattler2

In fairness to OP's partner, her feelings about her expectations about the uniqueness of the grandparent experience is perfectly valid. However, I would bet that this position is not one that she shared with het partner prior to having a child with him. He too should have had the opportunity to determine if this was a part of something that he could comfortably accept.

No right or wrong just openness and honesty in relationships. Openness and honesty leads to less bait and switch.

You know she didn't know she would feel like this though, right?

She didn't have a crystal ball.

And yes I do prefer it when my SC aren't here because we can be a family of 3 and my DD doesn't have the share the attention.

I UNDERSTAND that is unreasonable. I do. I understand my SC are in the same position of having to share him as well. I completely appreciate it's not a nice or even logical way to feel. I'm just saying how I feel.

So basically some of it is him and his expectations and other parts are just me. It probably is a bit of the cuckoo in the nest type thing. I accept that.

I think there should be a law against shit parents in step parenting situations.

Don’t like the way your child is being treated? Leave.
Don’t think your partner is doing enough? Leave.
Think your partner is jealous of your child? Leave.
Are too caught up in Nr parent guilt to be a healthy boundaried parent and instead project all your shit onto your partner? For the love of god please leave.
Think your child deserves constant special treatment to the continual detriment of others needs in the household? Leave

Quote and bold fail 🙄 @Mufasa1118

I am sorry for those who've had terrible experiences with step parents and their bio parents cutting them off.

I would never ask my husband to do that. It wouldn't even be something I'd actually want deep down. My daughter loves her siblings and they love her too. I like seeing that side of it. My feelings are mine and I do try not to let it show completely. I'm not unkind, I'm just not the same. I would never be actively horrible. I'm just not the same as I was before with them.

I don't want to look after them during school holidays, I don't want to take them to school, I don't want to do the activities we used to do alone together.

You shouldn’t have to do these things I agree.

And yes I do prefer it when my SC aren't here because we can be a family of 3 and my DD doesn't have the share the attention.

You’re not a family of 3.

Doesn’t your child benefit in that she gets attention from her siblings too?

OP, on the basis of your most recent post, it isn't just that you feel your DH doesn't give your DD enough attention when the SC are there, which is what most people have been responding to.

It sounds to me as though you had built a relationship with those children, doing activities with them and taking on some of the caring role when they were there, seeing yourself as a "team" and a family with them. Now your baby is here you don't want any of that. It's understandable, and I believe it happens quite often, but I'm sure you can see that it must be awful for the rejected SC, and this will of course cause your DH to be anxious about them being squeezed out in favour of DD (which they are!) and he's probably overcompensating with things like how many pictures there are of each child etc.

I don't know what the answer is, but I would suggest family therapy. I'm sure that suggestion will be greeted with hilarity by the more partisan contributors to the thread, but you do need to do something to address this, because it's horrible.

I’ve also been lucky enough to have a stepdad who loves us as his own. I’ve just read your latest post, OP. There’s no way the kids won’t notice this.

You’re not a family of 3.

Yep I know. I know that. It doesn't stop me preferring it that way though. When they aren't here we act like a family of 3 with 1 child and it is a nicer way of life for me personally.

1. I don't have to deal with the constant worrying of is this fair, can I do this, will my husband think this is unfair/unequal/mean and 2. I just like that DD is the focus. Again, not saying it's reasonable, just being honest.

@LolaJune have you/could you paraphrase your last post to your DH?

Don’t feel bad that things have changed - you gave birth and are hardwired to nurture a baby. That’s different to just changing your mind or dropping out of family life. Your priorities, your headspace, your emotions and your energy levels have all gone through seismic shifts. So don’t be too hard on yourself.

The photos thing is Disney dad territory and needs nipping in the bud.

You need to plan now for school holidays so it’s not assumed you will provide childcare for DSCs or take them out. That should head off the comments about how you spend your time with DD.

Good luck!

The SC aren't going anywhere, though, they're there for the duration, you know that. So if anything is going to change, it has to be your attitude to them. Would you consider family therapy? Would your DH?

I'm not just being patronising, btw. We have had family therapy ourselves.

@Mufasa1118

If a stepmother is in all likelihood going to dislike her stepchildren, I do think there should be laws put in place banning step parents from being around step children.

Think of it.

There is a woman who has to look after a child.

This child stays in her house. This child takes a lot of her resources.
This child is taking a lot of attention and love from her partner, she is jealous of the attention and love shown to the child.

This is also not any child.

This is the child of another woman who her partner used to love.

The child reminds her of the previous woman that her partner used to love

Of course the stepmother is more than likely going to dislike the child!

• I don't have to look after them, DH does. And he does which means I don't mind helping him out every now and again

• I am not jealous of the love and attention they get. That would be weird. I am not DH's child.

• I am not stupid and know DH was married before. I am not insecure and don't look at the DSC and be reminded of his ex.

I don't dislike "the child".

It sounds to me as though you had built a relationship with those children, doing activities with them and taking on some of the caring role when they were there, seeing yourself as a "team" and a family with them

Yes this is what it is.

It's not entirely defense-able but in my slight defense I did feel a little railroaded into "this is how a blended family should be - a team who help each other out with X Y and Z aspects of parenting". I would have been quite happy to let DH and his ex sort everything out with the DC but I felt some pressure to become part of this parenting team and do things I probably wouldn't have done if left to my own devices. I felt a little used by both before DD ever came along. She has given me the reason to slam on the breaks though.

@sadpapercourtesan

The SC aren't going anywhere, though, they're there for the duration, you know that. So if anything is going to change, it has to be your attitude to them. Would you consider family therapy? Would your DH?

I'm not just being patronising, btw. We have had family therapy ourselves.

Yes I know. I would consider therapy. I don't know if DH would and tbh I've never admitted the extent of these feelings to him although he knows some of it so I don't even think he'd stick around if he knew tbh!