AIBU for taking SS bedroom

[Evilstepmummy]

I know to the majority of mumsnetters the concept of taking a Step Child’s room off of them is already unreasonable and grounds for stoning but hear me out.

When DP and I got together (over 5 years ago) we had SS every week for 3 days, we stay in a two bedroom so he had his own space and was (still is) welcome whenever he wants. I had DD 3 years ago and for 2 years after she was born his room was completely his, she was in with me and her toys were in the livingroom but his visits started to deplete as he hit his teen years and the baby shows became a constant. Now my health visitor was unhappy the resident child didn’t have her own space yet so I slowly started transitioning her things into his room too and when he stayed she was back in with me so he had privacy (although there’s also that I am not comfortable with a 14 year old boy sharing with a 3 year old girl).

So 3 years down he visited 4 times in total the past year and twice was just so he could get gifts. Now there was a big falling out his last visit, his attitude is atrocious and because I asked him to do something he said he hates me and doesn’t like talking to his sister and he stormed out and hasn’t been back although has still had phone contact with his dad. My DD needed her own space was constantly asking for a room and we aren’t quite in a position to upsize (fingers crossed for this year) so I’ve gave her the room and decorated it for her. SS has a blow up bed and he always stayed in the livingroom while playing on his consoles anyway so I don’t think sleeping there will be a big deal for the most part.

Now I don’t have a good relationship with him (lied about my partner hitting him to his primary school when he found out I was pregnant which was thankfully shut down instantly, told his mum I deliberately bully him because I don’t let him play the play station all day and night, left big red marks on my daughters face and hurt her when he was “play pinching” her cheeks and even before all this when me and his dad were just dating told me I wasn’t allowed to buy myself things in front of him unless I bought for him too I mean he also doesn’t lift a finger to help himself, refuses to walk or get the bus anywhere it’s lifts or taxi’s only and is just rude)

So really AIBU to take the room and give it to DD?

Doesn’t matter about his behaviour at all, good or bad.

The fact is your DD is the resident child. Of course she needs her own room now.

YADNBU.

I actually do think that having the bedroom for your DD makes more sense as she is there 100% of the time however...

you really do not seem to like your SS, from what you describe he just sounds like a fairly typical kid, nothing you've described is awful behaviour, he was in primary school so young when you got together and he acted out a bit, now he's a teenager and he plays computer games. Yet you speak about him like he's horrible and you don't want him around.

From what you've written it sounds like you don't want him around and don't intend to make him comfortable when he visits, you should want him to have a relationship with his dad and his sister but that isn't what comes across.

He doesn't sound fairly typical. He sounds troubled. Whose fault that is (if anyones) is not the point here. But the result is that sadly he sounds unlikeable.

Your not being unreasonable.

You going to get the crowd that believes that people should keep rooms as a living memorial to SC until they are 30 years old regardless of the RC in the house because "what about the children" and you are evil SM.

Your also going to get the you hate your SC and that explains his bad behaviour and you should never have had another kid of your own crowd.

Ignore these people because they aren't step parents, never had to live the life you have lived and just come on here for a good bashing because it makes them feel better about their own issues which will be projected on to you.

Of course your DD is allowed a room, the fact the HV has flagged this is because it's a reasonable expectation.

Step back, step away and don't get overly concerned about this. The priorities of children shift and this shift is necessary if this was a nuclear family most people would say your ok to do this.

Let the apologists and hand wringers be dammed.

YANBU I totally agree with you your DD deserves her own bedroom after all she is there 100% of the time that's her resident home. Also like you said DSS doesn't come over much anymore so he doesn't need the room.

YANBU for giving 3 yr old the room when he hardly ever visits.

YABU trying to describe him as the devil incarnate.

you really do not seem to like your SS, from what you describe he just sounds like a fairly typical kid, nothing you've described is awful behaviour

I am always fascinated by what people class as "typical behaviour" on these boards. Oddly it always seems to be step children who get away with troubling behaviour under the guise of "typical" or "normal". None of what the OP described is normal behaviour. Like a PP said he sounds troubled not typical! Unless you have appalling low standards for how you'd want your child to behave.

Although that being said I would lose my shit if my teenage step son left big red marks on my child's face from pinching them so hard. Damn right I wouldn't like them!

Anyway, YANBU OP. He's stayed 4 times in a year whilst your child has no bedroom in the house she lives in all of the time. Yeah fuck that. She needs the room more than he does. All of his troubling behaviour, not being made to feel comfortable at your home blah blah is not your daughter's problem, she deserves her own space now, it's been long enough.

Thank you everyone I wasn’t sure if my own feelings towards him were clouding my judgement so I’m glad I’ve made the right choice.

@HalfShrunkMoreToGo sadly no I can’t say I like him. I’ve tried very very hard, I’ve taken him out on my own, spoiled him, ensured his dad has plenty one to one time, went big at Christmas and birthdays for him kept him well fed and clean but he fake cries even now at almost 15 anytime he’s told no or asked to move his plates out of his room, he throws tantrums like a 2 year old and lays on the floor refusing to move if he’s asked to come a trip to visit family when he doesn’t want too and he lies and steals even though he’s never went without. Even with all of that and more, he’s welcome whenever he asks and I will continue to encourage his dad to take him out for the day when he’s not staying here. Not everyone gets along but that doesn’t mean you go out of your way to hurt these peoples relationships.

Yea but to want to provide your three year old with a room, but if that’s what you want for your children, and you have two children to provide for, then between you and your DH you are failing one of them.

A 14 yo should still have a room at his Dads, he’s still a child.

Now I don’t have a good relationship with him (lied about my partner hitting him to his primary school when he found out I was pregnant which was thankfully shut down instantly, told his mum I deliberately bully him because I don’t let him play the play station all day and night, left big red marks on my daughters face and hurt her when he was “play pinching” her cheeks and even before all this when me and his dad were just dating told me I wasn’t allowed to buy myself things in front of him unless I bought for him too I mean he also doesn’t lift a finger to help himself, refuses to walk or get the bus anywhere it’s lifts or taxi’s only and is just rude)

Doesn’t all this tell you how unsettled he’s been for half his life. If his parents had handled their split and moving on well for him, then he probably wouldn’t have felt to need to cry for help and attention in those ways.

YABU trying to describe him as the devil incarnate

She's described his behaviour/situations. Where has she said he's the devil incarnate? Is she supposed to pretend none of its happened to appease the "but you don't LIKE an unlikeable child?! How could you!" crowd?

Of course your daughter should have the room. I took my SS's room for my office (WFH full time) because he was 20, at uni and had stayed a handful of times in the year. He understood. Also you sound like you have good reason not to like him. His behaviour is not typical, it's bratty. Take the room.

This is what is always interesting about these threads

The room issue is just a teeny tiny drop in an ocean of problems, anger, upset

Not a step Mum here.

YANBU to give DD the bedroom. It's clear that you made the effort to keep a room for DSS to avoid him feeling left out and that's commendable, and now it's clear that DSS doesn't need the space, whereas DD does.

I'm a bit concerned about how you describe him though. Some of the stuff that happened was when he was in primary school and you're still holding it against him? If I held a grudge for everything my DS who is 9 did that was out of order it would be a very long list, but I recognise that he's 9, he's going to make mistakes and act up every now and again. I think you need to work on how you deal with that because it does sound like he has now been alienated from your family?

How old was he when he hurt your daughter?

Yanbu, but a blow up bed is not really acceptable, even the fancy ones are pretty awful. Get a decent sofa bed.

I would be pointing out he has his own bedrooms at his mums. If he had his own bedroom at yours he would have two bedrooms and your daughter would have none.
I would be expecting his dad to be stepping up and dealing with the lad for hurting his sister. They are both his children so he needs to protect one while disciplining the other.

@RememberThePenguins he was 13 when he marked her and his mum dismissed it as boys will be boys. My point with the story from primary was to make clear how serious some of his actions could have been. I was pregnant and this could have led to social work involvement but I also don’t have the motherly bond with him I would my own so I can’t as easily forgive and forget as a parent would.

Presumably your husband is on board with your decisions about the bedroom and blowup bed. It is really up to him to discipline his son for his poor behaviour.

He's now a 14 yr old boy, he was in primary when OP got together with his dad 5 yrs ago so he was 9 years old, 19 when OP was pregnant, 11 when DD came along? Breaking down the list of behaviours described:

• lied about my partner hitting him to his primary school when he found out I was pregnant

He was 10 there had been a lot of changes in a short period, in less than 2 years he had a new mum figure enter his life and his home and probably felt he was being replaced by a new baby in his dads life

• told his mum I deliberately bully him because I don’t let him play the play station all day and night

Can any parent to a teenager say they've never heard something like 'it's not fair you won't let me play video games, you hate me, you're picking on me....'

• left big red marks on my daughters face and hurt her when he was “play pinching” her cheeks

Could be malicious or could just be an over enthusiastic clumsy young boy who doesn't know how to play with a toddler.

• told me I wasn’t allowed to buy myself things in front of him unless I bought for him

My 7yo has said things like, it's not fair how come you get something and I don't. I explained that she won't always get something when I go shopping, she gets what she needs and lots of lovely presents for occasions and needs to be happy with that. It wasn't a big deal conversation, certainly nothing I'd describe as bad behaviour just a discussion that needed to happen.

• refuses to walk or get the bus anywhere it’s lifts or taxi’s only and is just rude)

Yep, that's typical teen, just look at all the mum/dad taxi signs you can buy for cars.

@Bonbon21

Presumably your husband is on board with your decisions about the bedroom and blowup bed. It is really up to him to discipline his son for his poor behaviour.

Given no mention of him whatsoever I suspect not

So much more going on here than just the room.

he visited 4 times in total the past year and twice was just so he could get gifts

Why? What has your oh done to address this - presumably he's making an effort to see ds rather than him coming to you? If not, why?

It sounds like he's just dropped out of your lives since you had another child and you've just let him.

Very sad if so - and something for you to be aware of, that you have a partner that would likely treat your child the same if something happened to your relationship.

Almost 15?

I thought he was13

@Toanewstart22 no I said he was 14 so yes almost 15 🙄 and his dad is onboard and suggested it. I had doubts because of my own feelings.

@SeeminglyOblivious I’ve stated above his dad takes him out, he just doesn’t want to stay because his friends and home comforts are at mums. My brothers were the same when they hit their teens and didn’t visit my dad as much so I assume it can be fairly normal.

you are not being unreasonable even if you loved him to bits.

I think its sending a clear message hes not welcome isn't it. Of course your dd should have a room but he also needs a space a blow up bed is appalling he's nothing more than an after thought. Why not a sofa bed. It sounds like the situation hasn't been handled well especially after such a bit argument. Teenagers are very difficult but it's how you parent them that's important. It's clear your dislike for the boy but it's still your dp child. I suspect there's alot more to the situation that you've described. I hope your dp still maintains a relationship he has two children not one.