AIBU for taking SS bedroom

[Evilstepmummy]

I know to the majority of mumsnetters the concept of taking a Step Child’s room off of them is already unreasonable and grounds for stoning but hear me out.

When DP and I got together (over 5 years ago) we had SS every week for 3 days, we stay in a two bedroom so he had his own space and was (still is) welcome whenever he wants. I had DD 3 years ago and for 2 years after she was born his room was completely his, she was in with me and her toys were in the livingroom but his visits started to deplete as he hit his teen years and the baby shows became a constant. Now my health visitor was unhappy the resident child didn’t have her own space yet so I slowly started transitioning her things into his room too and when he stayed she was back in with me so he had privacy (although there’s also that I am not comfortable with a 14 year old boy sharing with a 3 year old girl).

So 3 years down he visited 4 times in total the past year and twice was just so he could get gifts. Now there was a big falling out his last visit, his attitude is atrocious and because I asked him to do something he said he hates me and doesn’t like talking to his sister and he stormed out and hasn’t been back although has still had phone contact with his dad. My DD needed her own space was constantly asking for a room and we aren’t quite in a position to upsize (fingers crossed for this year) so I’ve gave her the room and decorated it for her. SS has a blow up bed and he always stayed in the livingroom while playing on his consoles anyway so I don’t think sleeping there will be a big deal for the most part.

Now I don’t have a good relationship with him (lied about my partner hitting him to his primary school when he found out I was pregnant which was thankfully shut down instantly, told his mum I deliberately bully him because I don’t let him play the play station all day and night, left big red marks on my daughters face and hurt her when he was “play pinching” her cheeks and even before all this when me and his dad were just dating told me I wasn’t allowed to buy myself things in front of him unless I bought for him too I mean he also doesn’t lift a finger to help himself, refuses to walk or get the bus anywhere it’s lifts or taxi’s only and is just rude)

So really AIBU to take the room and give it to DD?

@girlmom21 trying very hard to not completely find you rude.
He’s extremely welcome here regardless of my feelings and he’s not been pushed out and abandoned stealthily every single move has been discussed beforehand and he agreed to sharing his space before any toys or chest of drawers were moved into his room. I think I’ve made it clear me and DP have spoke to and included him in every move we have made and he knows if he decided tomorrow to move in with us full time the space would be his again and we would make do what we can with what we can afford.

I wouldn't*

Bedrooms aside what we have here is yet another badly behaved child/teen who is treating people appallingly & the MN's expectation is that it is somehow the sm's fault/problem to fix, all the while his own actual parents are doing NOTHING about his behaviour & people think this is ok?

Go on sm - give him his own room, shovel your dd out of the way, pander to him, & his behaviour will magically improve (eyeroll).

YANBU

@Magda72

Bedrooms aside what we have here is yet another badly behaved child/teen who is treating people appallingly & the MN's expectation is that it is somehow the sm's fault/problem to fix, all the while his own actual parents are doing NOTHING about his behaviour & people think this is ok? Go on sm - give him his own room, shovel your dd out of the way, pander to him, & his behaviour will magically improve (eyeroll).

Yes and apparently this advice is sensible 🤣

No, the only sensible thing to do is to do what you can do within your role, which isn't a parent. So you be kind, you welcome him when he chooses to come, you make his time there comfortable (within reason i.e. no he can't have a full bedroom when he's only staying 4 times a year and your DD has none) but that's it.

You cannot just magically improve your relationship with your SS whilst his parents do nothing about his behaviour. And you trying to sort his behaviour will not have a positive impact on your relationship with him. So you detach from that aspect because you can't control it.

@GroollyBaby

They are vastly more sensible than those telling to wash your hands of your dss

This is my advice because OP cannot fix these issues herself. She is not the boys parent. His own parents are the ones that need to tackle these behaviours, OP trying to do so will not end in a positive relationship with her SS imo. It will likely just lead to him rejecting her further.

The boys parents were the only ones in a position to deal with his obviously troubled issues and it doesn't sound like they did. Whilst that is disappointing and sad for him, it's not OPs place to do this.

She has said already that he is welcome, I see nothing in her post to say she is actively unkind to him. It's not reasonable to expect someone to like a person who behaves like her step son does whether his behaviour is a cry for help or not. I think bonds between children and their parents mask a lot of things which non parents just can't do. You cannot force yourself to like someone, nor can someone who isn't in a parental role "mend" a child's poor behaviour or issues.

I say OP should detach because she should, it should be the boys father and mother dealing with this, for his sake as well as the OPs.

His parents need to seriously look at this and deal with it. Only then can OP rebuild a relationship with him imo. Right now it sounds like he wouldn't be interested whether she tried or not. OP should detach so it doesn't get even worse between her and her step son until his issues have been unpicked by his parents. I believe only then can he and OP build a more positive relationship.

This absolutely bloody all of this.

Op

You seem to be missing the connection between feeling pushed out by the emotional and physical addition of a sibling and step-sons decreasing time spent in the home. This doesn’t mean you should not have had a child or that she does not need a bedroom. Step-sons reaction is very normal though and it can have real implications for his long term relationship with his father and his sister.

I would be looking for any way possible to get each child real space and a real bed. Can you divide your own room? Turn a dining space into a bedroom? Move even if it means delaying buying?

[quote Evilstepmummy]@girlmom21 trying very hard to not completely find you rude.
He’s extremely welcome here regardless of my feelings and he’s not been pushed out and abandoned stealthily every single move has been discussed beforehand and he agreed to sharing his space before any toys or chest of drawers were moved into his room. I think I’ve made it clear me and DP have spoke to and included him in every move we have made and he knows if he decided tomorrow to move in with us full time the space would be his again and we would make do what we can with what we can afford.[/quote]
He went from spending half his time with you to visiting 4 times in 3 years.

It's very clear he doesn't feel welcome.

[quote girlmom21]@aSofaNearYou there are a number of ways to more space that aren't a case of move house or have an abortion.

Realistically the boy was evicted from the house by stealth. He doesn't go there because he wasn't welcome and now he's basically being told there's no room for him. [/quote]
Yes, but you specifically said "that's something to think about before having another child". There's nothing else that sentence could imply and not something you can get around, so maybe don't say that if you don't want it to be perceived as you saying they should have had an abortion.

He hasn't been evicted by stealth, all of OPs comments suggest his visits depleted gradually for his OWN reasons, preferring to be at his mum's and close to his friends. Nothing to do with not being welcome.

It's very clear he doesn't feel welcome.

No it isn't, you are projecting.

@aSofaNearYou I'm not projecting. You're choosing to not see what's blatantly clear - as you often do on these threads.

@Blossom64265 even before DD was conceived SS cried about not wanting over nights, these were still encouraged by his mum at this point so he would come and have fun once here but when he got older and more independent she would just say he doesn’t want to stay and she’s not forcing him, which we understand so have let him do it on his own terms and made sure if he asks last minute he’s accepted and here within the hour.

@GroollyBaby thank you and I totally accept what you mean. I need to step back and come at this once his parents have done their part.

He went from spending half his time with you to visiting 4 times in 3 years

It's very clear he doesn't feel welcome

I do agree there is probably more going on but I think it's disingenuous to suggest that teens will always continue to stay regularly with the NRP. It's not unheard of or uncommon for contact to fizzle out (and I mean strict scheduled contact) as kids grow up.

I lived with my Dad growing up and by the OPs SS's age I just wasn't interested in spending every weekend at my Mum's who lived miles away from my friends. I saw her for days out / the occasional sleep over when I wanted to. I don't think that's abnormal.

It may be something else obviously, and from the description of his behaviour it may well be an element of feeling pushed out, but it's also not uncommon either, especially as he is still seeing his Dad (OP said they go out regularly).

If SS's behaviour magically was resolved and his relationship with OP improved, he still may not want to stay 3 nights a week purely because he's a teenage boy who's more interested in his friends than his dad, step mum and little sister.

@girlmom21 no he visited 4 times in the last year. He was still here weekly up until that point. I imagine if I gave you a weekly play by play up until this point you’d still be unhappy with something. As I said to blossom, he was never eager for overnights but would enjoy them once he came. His mum would encourage him but stopped once he was older and more independent we respected this and carried on contact as it was preferred.

[quote girlmom21]@aSofaNearYou I'm not projecting. You're choosing to not see what's blatantly clear - as you often do on these threads. [/quote]
@girlmom21 Every single one of these posts regardless of what details are put by the OPs you say the exact same thing.

Your responses do not change dependant on detail, what is actually put, it's almost like you read what you want to read, post nasty comments and then get in a mood when someone calls you out because your on projecting.

Sofa balances her comments and they change depending on the detail posted by the OP. It's ironic to anyone watching this you accuse her of the things you do repeatedly.

You need to do some self reflection.

[quote girlmom21]@aSofaNearYou I'm not projecting. You're choosing to not see what's blatantly clear - as you often do on these threads. [/quote]
No, you're choosing to assume something that is not blatantly clear, as you often do on these threads.

You only have to look at threads on here by people with teenagers to see that by and large, the vast majority of posters feel it is perfectly normal for their teenagers to have next to no interest in spending time with them and basically want nothing to do with them. This is so common it is treated as standard

@GroollyBaby has explained it well - many teens are simply far more interested in being near their mates/material goods, than their dad.

It MIGHT be something more but to claim it is "blatantly clear" is not true in the slightest, and you can try and claim I'm the one ignoring obvious truths if you like but it is obviously not the case.

*Sofa balances her comments and they change depending on the detail posted by the OP. It's ironic to anyone watching this you accuse her of the things you do repeatedly.

You need to do some self reflection.*

Thankyou!

Give your daughter the room. 4 times a year doesn’t justify keeping it for him

@candlelightsatdawn what is it that I say then? Because I very rarely comment on step parenting threads and I'm normally on the side of the step parent if I do.

@aSofaNearYou 11 year olds don't generally stop spending time in a place where they have loads of fun every time they're there - which is the claim.

Yeah he won't go every single weekend, but based on the timelines him stopping visiting started at the same time as all of the attention seeking behaviour.

OP has admitted she doesn't particularly like him either. He'll be aware of that. She can say he's welcome but you can sense when you're not.

@girlmom21 his behaviour was there prior to him stopping visiting. I’ve said that too.

His behaviour has been like that since I’ve first known him when he was 8.

@Evilstepmummy When you say you "stay" in a 2 bedroom do you mean it's only temporary? Could you possibly think about buying a bigger place?

Regardless I think it's unfair to turf him out of his own room in his own home. That was his room before you came along.....

Leaving everything about your relationship with your step son or his difficulties aside, I am shocked that there is even a question here re. the room.

Even the 'he was here first' - it really cannot work like that. Each child's needs need to be considered and balanced where possible. This is such a no brainer that I'm quite shocked and not at all surprised that your HV has actually flagged it.

You have two children 'of the family'. One has a permanent personal space where he is normally resident, and a space where he is EOW (technically).

The other has no personal space, not even where she is normally resident, in favour of the other child having two spaces.

If I were the HV I would look at that set up and raise concerns, absolutely.

[quote girlmom21]@aSofaNearYou 11 year olds don't generally stop spending time in a place where they have loads of fun every time they're there - which is the claim.

Yeah he won't go every single weekend, but based on the timelines him stopping visiting started at the same time as all of the attention seeking behaviour.

OP has admitted she doesn't particularly like him either. He'll be aware of that. She can say he's welcome but you can sense when you're not. [/quote]
Don't they? As I say lots of teens and pre teens do go off time with their parents. Lots of younger kids are never keen on sleeping away from their mum's.

It doesn't always have anything to do with feeling unwelcome. It's a possibility, but what it definitely isn't is "blatantly clear".

@GrannytoaUnicorn we are looking for bigger hopefully this year. It wasn’t his room before I came along though me and his dad rented this place together ensuring he had his own space but things have changed.