AIBU for taking SS bedroom

[Evilstepmummy]

I know to the majority of mumsnetters the concept of taking a Step Child’s room off of them is already unreasonable and grounds for stoning but hear me out.

When DP and I got together (over 5 years ago) we had SS every week for 3 days, we stay in a two bedroom so he had his own space and was (still is) welcome whenever he wants. I had DD 3 years ago and for 2 years after she was born his room was completely his, she was in with me and her toys were in the livingroom but his visits started to deplete as he hit his teen years and the baby shows became a constant. Now my health visitor was unhappy the resident child didn’t have her own space yet so I slowly started transitioning her things into his room too and when he stayed she was back in with me so he had privacy (although there’s also that I am not comfortable with a 14 year old boy sharing with a 3 year old girl).

So 3 years down he visited 4 times in total the past year and twice was just so he could get gifts. Now there was a big falling out his last visit, his attitude is atrocious and because I asked him to do something he said he hates me and doesn’t like talking to his sister and he stormed out and hasn’t been back although has still had phone contact with his dad. My DD needed her own space was constantly asking for a room and we aren’t quite in a position to upsize (fingers crossed for this year) so I’ve gave her the room and decorated it for her. SS has a blow up bed and he always stayed in the livingroom while playing on his consoles anyway so I don’t think sleeping there will be a big deal for the most part.

Now I don’t have a good relationship with him (lied about my partner hitting him to his primary school when he found out I was pregnant which was thankfully shut down instantly, told his mum I deliberately bully him because I don’t let him play the play station all day and night, left big red marks on my daughters face and hurt her when he was “play pinching” her cheeks and even before all this when me and his dad were just dating told me I wasn’t allowed to buy myself things in front of him unless I bought for him too I mean he also doesn’t lift a finger to help himself, refuses to walk or get the bus anywhere it’s lifts or taxi’s only and is just rude)

So really AIBU to take the room and give it to DD?

[quote Evilstepmummy]@girlmom21 his behaviour was there prior to him stopping visiting. I’ve said that too.

His behaviour has been like that since I’ve first known him when he was 8.[/quote]
I can't see where that's been said but I apologise if I've missed it.

I know you've said dad still has lots of time with him but does he interact with you and DD well if you go out as a family?

[quote GrannytoaUnicorn]@Evilstepmummy When you say you "stay" in a 2 bedroom do you mean it's only temporary? Could you possibly think about buying a bigger place?

Regardless I think it's unfair to turf him out of his own room in his own home. That was his room before you came along.....[/quote]
Setting aside the fact that it may not have been his room "before OP came along", as the property may have been rented since, it is absolutely astonishing to me that there are people who genuinely think the first child should be prioritised over the second purely because they were there first.

Such strange, callous thinking.

@girlmom21 DD adores her brother and I love him being here for that too. When he’s here or we are out he communicates with me great tells me about his friends, what he’s looking at pursuing in university and his favourite games. It is just when things aren’t going his way or he’s caught lying or stealing that he acts out.

[quote Evilstepmummy]@girlmom21 DD adores her brother and I love him being here for that too. When he’s here or we are out he communicates with me great tells me about his friends, what he’s looking at pursuing in university and his favourite games. It is just when things aren’t going his way or he’s caught lying or stealing that he acts out.[/quote]
Oh ok so i completely misinterpreted parts of this relationship I think.

Was the argument only with you or with his dad too? Is it resolvable?

I wonder if he'd come round if he was invited for tea or whatever so he knows his welcome but there's no pressure on him to stay or clean up etc and your daughter can have the bedroom but there's no animosity?

there's no pressure on him to stay or clean up

Heaven forbid there be pressure on him to clean up. He might feel unwelcome 😱

@aSofaNearYou

there's no pressure on him to stay or clean up

Heaven forbid there be pressure on him to clean up. He might feel unwelcome 😱

That's not the point here is it. That's when the attitude starts and OP likes her daughter having a relationship with her brother.

It takes small steps to rebuild a relationship. If there's no pressure on him he might start enjoying their company again. When he's happier he's more likely to help out/be decent.

It's a suggestion to helping them move forward. What's yours?

@girlmom2 I just found it amusing how quickly you went from "There's no way he's just a normal grumpy teenager with a bad attitude about normal things like having to clean up, you MUST be making him feel unwelcome you awful witch, anyone who supports you is biased and ignoring obvious facts", to "oh so he is just a normal grumpy teenager with a bad attitude about normal things like having to clean up... well fair enough, best pander to it."

Your suggestion wasn't far off what they do anyway - see him but he doesn't stay over much. My suggestion would be keep doing that, no need to overly pander to his outbursts or resistance to normal things like cleaning up. He'll only become even more unlikeable.

No I think he's a teenager with a bad attitude who's been made to feel unwelcome.
The two things aren't mutually exclusive.

In response to your original question - no YANU to give DD her own room. No other way makes sense. It would be great if you can offer him his own space if and when you can move hom.

Your SS sounds pretty much to me like a normal 14 year old boy (I have two of those) who just can't be arsed to go over to his dads any more. Whilst its pretty much the norm for kids to have lives in two households these days, his primary home is at his mums and he probably just prefers to be there, rather than somewhere he doesn't have his own room. I doubt a toddler is all that enticing for him.
I don't know how much your DH does with him, but my 14 year old wants to spend precisely zero 'bonding time' with dad. Actively rejects any suggestions with horror. I don't like him a lot of the time either. He's rude and stroppy. He lies about stuff. He's also a teen with crazy hormones. Kids tell lies. Sometimes for a 'valid' reason (in this instance feeling pushed out by a new child) and don't grasp how serious the consequences could be - they just want the attention. Sometimes the only reason is that they know they did something they shouldn't and don't want to be caught out/in trouble.
Keep doing what you're doing. Keep telling SS he is welcome to come over. Try not to put up with any sh*t from him.

I mean I actually think baring the room which should go to DD, there's a argument to say sometimes not forcing the situation and doing nothing can deescalated the situation.

Which I think is the path OP is on. You can't force it and I don't think you should. Causes pressure on all sides and this may just come out in the wash, maybe it won't but if it doesn't it's not on the OP to fix what wasn't broken by her.

You can recognise pain, acknowledge and sympathise with it and still not be the right person/ position or place to fix it.

Not making any movements or choices is a active choice and one that's highly overlooked, in my book.

@girlmom21

No I think he's a teenager with a bad attitude who's been made to feel unwelcome. The two things aren't mutually exclusive.

Yeah, by normal "pressures" like cleaning up. There isn't always a reasonable argument that a child has been unfairly "made" to feel unwelcome.

@HalfShrunkMoreToGo

I actually do think that having the bedroom for your DD makes more sense as she is there 100% of the time however...

you really do not seem to like your SS, from what you describe he just sounds like a fairly typical kid, nothing you've described is awful behaviour, he was in primary school so young when you got together and he acted out a bit, now he's a teenager and he plays computer games. Yet you speak about him like he's horrible and you don't want him around.

From what you've written it sounds like you don't want him around and don't intend to make him comfortable when he visits, you should want him to have a relationship with his dad and his sister but that isn't what comes across.

Lol she said she is still welcome! What about what she has said gives you that impression?!

Honestly OP its not even a question to ask, DD needs the room, he can stay on the air mattress no big deal. He has a room with mum. End of

I doubt a toddler is all that enticing for him.

I really dislike when adults say that.

All teens are different.

Some teens, including male ones, like interacting with toddlers.

In fact I know and have met more teens who find toddlers interesting and are happy to interact with them than those that don't. (This includes using the toddler as a willing servant to fetch things for them.)

I doubt a toddler is all that enticing for him.

It’s so weird how some people think teenagers lack the ability to like and enjoy their toddler siblings on their dad’s side. That’s right, just on their dad’s side. And older full siblings don’t have that problem either of course.

I come from an era where it was normal to share bedrooms with siblings. So I find it bemusing that a child is deemed to require an assigned room just for a few nights a year. Maybe we should have sleeping spaces based on the Japanese sleep hotel basis - have several enclosed sleep pods within one room!

Otherwise what you get here is

1. Daddy and Mummy1 have enough money that Mummy1 says all my children get their own room
2. D &M1 split up
3. D gets together with M2
4. M1 dictates that as there are 'insufficient' bedrooms in D&M2s home, that M2 is not allowed to 'breed'. What are we? Monkeys?

Op, if he is going to stay at any point can I suggest an anglers bed chair? It's a foldaway bed with memory foam mattress. Almost (slightly narrows at the end) full sized single bed. Really comfortable. We paid approx £130 which included the sturdy storage bag, 2 years ago. Will fit into a cupboard/wardrobe when not in use.

Don't think anyone would deny your daughter needs a bedroom.

However, think both you and DSS father have not really been fair to DSS. Lets be honest he is 15, a few more years he will be 17 and neither of you have any intention or ever had, of moving to a bigger house because by then he will be leaving home so what is the point.

He does not want to stay - because lets be honest it is not hugely comfortable, no privacy and he can have all that at his Mum's - who would want to stay.

Agree with your DD having room - but please be honest neither of you were bothered about upsizing and he is collateral damage.

However, think both you and DSS father have not really been fair to DSS. Lets be honest he is 15, a few more years he will be 17 and neither of you have any intention or ever had, of moving to a bigger house because by then he will be leaving home so what is the point.

Where do I start? Effing, do you work full-time and have your children in childcare? I'd hazard a guess that the OP will be doing just that simply to afford the roof over their heads that has housed the SS when he deigned to show up. Demanding that the OP provides rooms of the same standard for SS in 2 houses costs somebody money - and perhaps it is not the exw who is paying for it.....

Spaceship - where shall I start !
Yes I work full time and have 1 inc after school now and the other is now 14. When younger they both had wraparound and shared a room - so I get working hard for ones children.

Did not demand OP provided a room of the same standard in any part of my post. Anyone who expects anything to be normal with a teen in the past 18 months allowing for covid, coming over, isolation etc is laughable. However they have had 4 years to realise this was going to happen and plan - it is not like it was a surprise that any new baby was going to need a room and the other child was going to need something aswell.

Would you want to come over to a house where you sleep in the lounge?

Teens lie. smell, don't clean and are generally selfish - think OP is in for a bit of a shock when her DD hits that age - he sounds like a normal teen tbh.

Lack of planning for the bleeding obvious - then blame it on teen behaviour and a bit of lockdown!

it is not like it was a surprise that any new baby was going to need a room and the other child was going to need something aswell.

@uneffingbelievable
As I understand it from the thread, the baby was a complete surprise because OP had been told it wasn't medically possible.
Perhaps because of covid, the money isn't coming in as it was anyway. Judging people for not making enough money for your preferred lifestyle is unreasonable.

@uneffingbelievable we’ve had four years to know this would be an issue so of course been saving what we can for a deposit which is hard with many outgoings and not a high paid income. We have every intention of buying a three bedroom even if SS doesn’t want one in the new home so frankly your accusation is unfounded.

@uneffingbelievable I also did not say it was down to his behaviour or lockdown. Was questioning if my feelings clouded my judgment not that I took the room to spite him.

I don't think you did take the room out of spite OP.
This is practical right now.

However, he was almost 50:50 - 3/7 : if you did not have a deposit was it really reasonable to think that a DC would sleep on a blow up bed for 3 nights per week- which is what you were expecting him to do until you got a deposit - GCSE year in the lounge, TV on nowhere to do homework etc.

I repeat my point lack of planning and there are alternatives.

Husband behavior is shit, but this is the bit that's wrong here

I slowly started transitioning her things into his room

You took his room from under him. Without a conversation, just slowly took over it.

Sorry his behaviour, not husband behavior