AIBU for taking SS bedroom

[Evilstepmummy]

I know to the majority of mumsnetters the concept of taking a Step Child’s room off of them is already unreasonable and grounds for stoning but hear me out.

When DP and I got together (over 5 years ago) we had SS every week for 3 days, we stay in a two bedroom so he had his own space and was (still is) welcome whenever he wants. I had DD 3 years ago and for 2 years after she was born his room was completely his, she was in with me and her toys were in the livingroom but his visits started to deplete as he hit his teen years and the baby shows became a constant. Now my health visitor was unhappy the resident child didn’t have her own space yet so I slowly started transitioning her things into his room too and when he stayed she was back in with me so he had privacy (although there’s also that I am not comfortable with a 14 year old boy sharing with a 3 year old girl).

So 3 years down he visited 4 times in total the past year and twice was just so he could get gifts. Now there was a big falling out his last visit, his attitude is atrocious and because I asked him to do something he said he hates me and doesn’t like talking to his sister and he stormed out and hasn’t been back although has still had phone contact with his dad. My DD needed her own space was constantly asking for a room and we aren’t quite in a position to upsize (fingers crossed for this year) so I’ve gave her the room and decorated it for her. SS has a blow up bed and he always stayed in the livingroom while playing on his consoles anyway so I don’t think sleeping there will be a big deal for the most part.

Now I don’t have a good relationship with him (lied about my partner hitting him to his primary school when he found out I was pregnant which was thankfully shut down instantly, told his mum I deliberately bully him because I don’t let him play the play station all day and night, left big red marks on my daughters face and hurt her when he was “play pinching” her cheeks and even before all this when me and his dad were just dating told me I wasn’t allowed to buy myself things in front of him unless I bought for him too I mean he also doesn’t lift a finger to help himself, refuses to walk or get the bus anywhere it’s lifts or taxi’s only and is just rude)

So really AIBU to take the room and give it to DD?

YANBU and think you are doing your best in this situation.

Where is your Dp in all this? Surely he is also deciding to use the second bedroom for his Dd, asking his son to move plates…. Your posts make it sound as if he is not present at all.

I do wonder if all these people excusing the SDS behaviour would say this if their child was on the receiving end of it from a RC being the attacker.

Doubtful somehow. Also it's no wonder the behaviour escalated and got so bad, it needs the parents to accept there's a problem and fix it not excuse it and say "boys will be boys". To many parents both mum and dad refuse to you know, parent so creating unlikeable children and those children suffer social consequences at the hands of that parental negligence.

You can be angry at the OP for not liking her SCS but I'm as he goes into adulthood these behaviours will be punished by society and he will struggle. That's on the parents.

Also I see the hangwringers on here again. Jeessss that was what 8 comments in for that to start.

Problem OP is you mixed up the room with your SS behaviour. They are completely different issues.

It makes no sense to leave rooms empty and unused. So if your DD needs the room and/or even if you need the room to work in the day, then use it.

With the boy's behaviour issues get your DP to sort it out.

Your DP is also the one to sort out a relationship between his son and your joint DD as they are both his children.

His behaviour is irrelevant to this situation.... your DD needs a room as she resides full time with you

This is a rented home but we are in the process of saving to buy. We have looked at renting bigger homes but the cost eats into what we can put into our savings and is more than double the cost of mortgages.

The only reason I’ve mentioned his behaviour was because I wasn’t sure if not liking him was contributing to why I wanted my DD to have the space and therefore making me unreasonable and despite what some posters are saying even though I don’t like him, I do care for his well-being.

Thank you to the posters who have made me see that needs do trump feelings and as long as it’s handled sensitively with him then it was the right thing to do. He’s not expected soon so it wasn’t sprung on him after the argument but he will be taken out by DP and it will be explained to him before his next stay (where there will hopefully be a sofa bed waiting depending on when he wants to visit)

@GroollyBaby

What would you have done if DSS lived with you full time??

I hate questions like this. It's complete whataboutery. It's not relevant because he doesn't. In the same way it's not relevant what my parents would have done with my room had I lived with them until I was 30 instead of moving out at 18.

You don't have to do exactly the same in one situation as you'd do in another.

The facts are right now that he doesn't live with them and only stays a few times a year. What they'd do if that was different is irrelevant because it's not.

Are you suggesting they should just keep his room forever despite him barely being there and DD who lives there all the time should have no room at all because that's what they'd have to do if he lived there? He doesn't, so what's the point in that?

Lol. At 30 would you have had to move into your dad’s house if your mum was too ill to care for you or died? No one has said the room should be kept forever. However this is a big consideration and op and her dh should be urgently looking to accommodate him and repair the relationship. That comes from the adults as the 14 is a child.

OP some sofa beds, especially cheaper ones, are more uncomfortable than sleeping on the floor, a blow up mattress or a normal sofa. So don't rush and buy one before checking it is comfortable.

nothing you've described is awful behaviour

I have to say I disagree with you there

But not plenty of time to afford one if they couldn't.

And that's something to consider when having another child.

@candlelightsatdawn

Your not being unreasonable.

You going to get the crowd that believes that people should keep rooms as a living memorial to SC until they are 30 years old regardless of the RC in the house because "what about the children" and you are evil SM.

Your also going to get the you hate your SC and that explains his bad behaviour and you should never have had another kid of your own crowd.

Ignore these people because they aren't step parents, never had to live the life you have lived and just come on here for a good bashing because it makes them feel better about their own issues which will be projected on to you.

Of course your DD is allowed a room, the fact the HV has flagged this is because it's a reasonable expectation.

Step back, step away and don't get overly concerned about this. The priorities of children shift and this shift is necessary if this was a nuclear family most people would say your ok to do this.

Let the apologists and hand wringers be dammed.

This is the best advice that I have read on MN about anything for a while. I really hope that you take it. Also hope that you have the full support of your DP/DH. He needs to speak to his son. @Candlelights. I agree with you completely and I have my hard hat ready (I can lend you one if you need it as I think you might.

Yanbu for using the room for your DD. Where you are perhaps unreasonable is how you went about it. You say you slowly started moving things into his room so did you talk to him about it first? He was old enough to be able to have a clear discussion about why this was happening and what plans you’d put in place for him to continue his visits. I can imagine he saw it as being pushed out and that’s the reason his visits have decreased. Also it may be better for YOU to save and be in a 2 bed until you can afford bigger but given his age he’s never really going to benefit from you doing that? Therefore it’s another thing for him to feel like he isn’t being counted as part of his dad’s family unit.
I am a stepmum and definitely feel your pain about his behaviour as mine is very similar. However, teenagers aren’t rational at the best of times I think maybe the handling of this by your DP could have made things much better.

@girlmom21

But not plenty of time to afford one if they couldn't.

And that's something to consider when having another child.

Yes, but not a reason to abort a wanted baby after falling accidentally pregnant, as is the case here.

Lol. At 30 would you have had to move into your dad’s house if your mum was too ill to care for you or died? No one has said the room should be kept forever. However this is a big consideration and op and her dh should be urgently looking to accommodate him and repair the relationship. That comes from the adults as the 14 is a child.

I appreciate that. But you can't expect a room to sit empty whilst the resident child doesn't have one just in case step sons mother dies. If that tragic (and unlikely) situation occurs, then they'd have to deal with it at that point and at that point I agree they would need a better solution. But it's not the situation now and DD shouldn't be without a room in her only home just in case her half brothers mother dies at some point.

@aSofaNearYou she's said they could afford a bigger house but didn't want to have to safe less.

Taking longer to save for a mortgage is not a massive sacrifice if it means not excluding the existing child, IMO.

His behaviour sounds like that of a child who doesn't feel welcome in his father's house.

I don't base my life now around what I may do if my step children's mother dies. What a weird way to live.

If that ever happened we'd deal with it and a few things would have to be changed about a bit but I'm not going to live now based on what ifs all the time.

If my husband died tomorrow my step children's mother probably wouldn't be able to do the same job as she does now with lots of changing shifts and night work. But I don't expect her to quit just in case 🤣

@CloudPop

nothing you've described is awful behaviour

I have to say I disagree with you there

I disagree This is unacceptable behaviour

@HalfShrunkMoreToGo

He's now a 14 yr old boy, he was in primary when OP got together with his dad 5 yrs ago so he was 9 years old, 19 when OP was pregnant, 11 when DD came along? Breaking down the list of behaviours described:

• lied about my partner hitting him to his primary school when he found out I was pregnant

He was 10 there had been a lot of changes in a short period, in less than 2 years he had a new mum figure enter his life and his home and probably felt he was being replaced by a new baby in his dads life

• told his mum I deliberately bully him because I don’t let him play the play station all day and night

Can any parent to a teenager say they've never heard something like 'it's not fair you won't let me play video games, you hate me, you're picking on me....'

• left big red marks on my daughters face and hurt her when he was “play pinching” her cheeks

Could be malicious or could just be an over enthusiastic clumsy young boy who doesn't know how to play with a toddler.

• told me I wasn’t allowed to buy myself things in front of him unless I bought for him

My 7yo has said things like, it's not fair how come you get something and I don't. I explained that she won't always get something when I go shopping, she gets what she needs and lots of lovely presents for occasions and needs to be happy with that. It wasn't a big deal conversation, certainly nothing I'd describe as bad behaviour just a discussion that needed to happen.

• refuses to walk or get the bus anywhere it’s lifts or taxi’s only and is just rude)

Yep, that's typical teen, just look at all the mum/dad taxi signs you can buy for cars.

I think you should read and reread comments like this op. They are vastly more sensible than those telling to wash your hands of your dss. Bedroom issue is entirely separate.

It sounds as though the accusation when he was 9 was a cry for help. When your dd gets to 9 and even 14, you will realise just how vulnerable and little your dss was at 9, ditto 14. I know these kids look big and he’s probably far taller than stronger than you. However, teens massively regress emotionally and go through a real headless chicken toddler stage. Coincidentally he will be about the time dd was born. He was really coping with a lot. A relatively new relationship, a new sibling (who he probably felt replaced him), puberty and changing schools. This is massive turmoil really.

So much change. It isn’t any wonder he has withdrawn more recently even without the puberty / typical teen behaviour and changing schools. He is showing signs of anxiety and hurt. We don’t know if this is jealousy. His mum either thinks this behaviour is normal will be either to protect him as she knows he’s hurting or because she’s also detached from the situation. I hope for his sake it is the former. In any case, it doesn’t seem as if your dp and her have a supportive co parenting relationship, which only serves to increase the pressure on your dss.

As for what he says about you and his dad. My dd is 13. At 10/11/12 she went through a period of saying I hate you to me. My response? ‘That’s ok, because I love you’. Lots of kids were the same at that age, I discussed it with other parents. Their emotions are very raw as. This is developmental as the brain rewires for adulthood.

If you remember anything else from this post, remember this We are hardwired to reject our caregivers. It is our responsibility to look after our mental health to get through this difficult period, not hold it against them. This is what I would advise to you and to rebuild the relationship.

@Justtobeclear he was told he’d have to share the space and we did this slowly so it wasn’t a massive change but I do get where your coming from with regards to him not benefiting from a room as much in a year or two.

With him only coming 4 times a year I’m not willing to eat into all disposable income just for that extra bedroom it would affect how much him and DD get spent on them,im it trips and make emergency costs hard to handle so it’s not an option I’m willing to take in this situation.

I’ve looked at this from every angle I can and even considered separating households or even splitting up because of my feelings towards him but we don’t think it’s fair on DP or DD too completely upset and uproot everyone for SS to have a room when he doesn’t want to stay because he has his friends and multiple consoles at mums anyway and is happy with the visits and keeping in touch via phone calls or texts.

[quote girlmom21]@aSofaNearYou she's said they could afford a bigger house but didn't want to have to safe less.

Taking longer to save for a mortgage is not a massive sacrifice if it means not excluding the existing child, IMO. [/quote]
I'm glad to see you haven't clung on to your previous implication that they should have got rid of the baby rather than allow this situation.

That aside, I think finances can be more nuanced than the simplistic view on here. Perhaps it would be affordable for them, but perhaps it would not. Either way, the solution is certainly not to "think about it before having another child", in other words, to not have another child even if you have already fallen pregnant.

I think the behavioural issues are irrelevant.

DD gets the room.

I never had my own room at my Dads, we slept on the sofa. I never felt put out.

They are vastly more sensible than those telling to wash your hands of your dss

This is my advice because OP cannot fix these issues herself. She is not the boys parent. His own parents are the ones that need to tackle these behaviours, OP trying to do so will not end in a positive relationship with her SS imo. It will likely just lead to him rejecting her further.

The boys parents were the only ones in a position to deal with his obviously troubled issues and it doesn't sound like they did. Whilst that is disappointing and sad for him, it's not OPs place to do this.

She has said already that he is welcome, I see nothing in her post to say she is actively unkind to him. It's not reasonable to expect someone to like a person who behaves like her step son does whether his behaviour is a cry for help or not. I think bonds between children and their parents mask a lot of things which non parents just can't do. You cannot force yourself to like someone, nor can someone who isn't in a parental role "mend" a child's poor behaviour or issues.

I say OP should detach because she should, it should be the boys father and mother dealing with this, for his sake as well as the OPs.

His parents need to seriously look at this and deal with it. Only then can OP rebuild a relationship with him imo. Right now it sounds like he wouldn't be interested whether she tried or not. OP should detach so it doesn't get even worse between her and her step son until his issues have been unpicked by his parents. I believe only then can he and OP build a more positive relationship.

@aSofaNearYou there are a number of ways to more space that aren't a case of move house or have an abortion.

Realistically the boy was evicted from the house by stealth. He doesn't go there because he wasn't welcome and now he's basically being told there's no room for him.

if he stayed regularly I'd probably have stayed on the sofabed myself and let the DC have the two bedrooms.

But it's a difficult one because OP says he doesn't stay because home is his mother's and his friends are there not because he feels pushed out (which I'm not saying isn't the reason).

So I'd have to know whether he'd actually come and stay more often before I did that. I would redecorate my room and move into the lounge if he then still only stayed 4 times a year.

Your husband needs to actually get to the bottom of why he's staying so little.

If it is because he just prefers being at mum's to be close to his friends (which isn't unheard of with teenagers, I was the same), then a sofa bed in the lounge for him is sufficient.

If he would stay frequently if he had a room then maybe you can look at that.

Your husband needs to actually find out the reason though and deal with his behaviours not you. I wouldn't do anything but speak to DH and then let him get on with parenting his child. If he won't fix it then you can't.