AIBU for taking SS bedroom

[Evilstepmummy]

I know to the majority of mumsnetters the concept of taking a Step Child’s room off of them is already unreasonable and grounds for stoning but hear me out.

When DP and I got together (over 5 years ago) we had SS every week for 3 days, we stay in a two bedroom so he had his own space and was (still is) welcome whenever he wants. I had DD 3 years ago and for 2 years after she was born his room was completely his, she was in with me and her toys were in the livingroom but his visits started to deplete as he hit his teen years and the baby shows became a constant. Now my health visitor was unhappy the resident child didn’t have her own space yet so I slowly started transitioning her things into his room too and when he stayed she was back in with me so he had privacy (although there’s also that I am not comfortable with a 14 year old boy sharing with a 3 year old girl).

So 3 years down he visited 4 times in total the past year and twice was just so he could get gifts. Now there was a big falling out his last visit, his attitude is atrocious and because I asked him to do something he said he hates me and doesn’t like talking to his sister and he stormed out and hasn’t been back although has still had phone contact with his dad. My DD needed her own space was constantly asking for a room and we aren’t quite in a position to upsize (fingers crossed for this year) so I’ve gave her the room and decorated it for her. SS has a blow up bed and he always stayed in the livingroom while playing on his consoles anyway so I don’t think sleeping there will be a big deal for the most part.

Now I don’t have a good relationship with him (lied about my partner hitting him to his primary school when he found out I was pregnant which was thankfully shut down instantly, told his mum I deliberately bully him because I don’t let him play the play station all day and night, left big red marks on my daughters face and hurt her when he was “play pinching” her cheeks and even before all this when me and his dad were just dating told me I wasn’t allowed to buy myself things in front of him unless I bought for him too I mean he also doesn’t lift a finger to help himself, refuses to walk or get the bus anywhere it’s lifts or taxi’s only and is just rude)

So really AIBU to take the room and give it to DD?

If you were having him 3 days a week you should've considered bedrooms before having another child IMO.

I don't step parent bash because I was raised by the most incredible step mom so I'm not having a go at you here - but his visits sound like they stopped because he wasn't happy or welcome.

Op

The issue is very dark because you have a very very unhappy and negative relationship with our SS

The room is almost inconsequential (although your DD should definitely have).

Why no mention of your partner’s view?
If I was him, I’d be looking for a 3 bed.

The issue is you live in a 2 bed

With two children of different genders and very big age gap… the priority should’ve to move to a property that is vaguely suitable for the children involved

It's very clear op that he wasn't happy or comfortable in your home. My DS goes between the two houses and has a bedroom at both it's vital to have space at that age. I also agree with pp having him 3 times a week there should have been adequate room.

Why not a sofa bed. It sounds like the situation hasn't been handled well especially after such a bit argument. Teenagers are very difficult but it's how you parent them that's important. It's clear your dislike for the boy but it's still your dp child

Given the relationship between OP and SS, I'd leave this up to his Dad. You don't have to like him, why would you given the behaviour you describe in your second post especially? If his Dad doesn't think a blow up bed is sufficient he can sort a sofa bed. I'd just detach from it tbh, leave it with his Dad to do what he thinks is best. But DD absolutely needs the room.

Don’t confuse the issues of your DD needing a room and your SS’ behaviour. It makes out like you are punishing him by changing the situation, when really it is completely fair that the resident child gets the room. I’d expect this even if your SS was a angle teen.

He’s 14, which is always a tough age. Give your daughter the room and stop treating him like he’s a devil.

What would you have done had he continued with regular visits and not displayed poor behaviour?

The issue remains that you have two bedrooms and on occasion need 3 separate sleeping areas. I agree your DD should have the bedroom but is there no better arrangement than a blow up mattress in the living room for DSS?

And all the posts telling you you should have moved to a 3 bed are a bit useless aren't they. Yes obviously that would have been the ideal but the situation is what it is. OP doesn't own and can't just magic up another room.

That's neither of the children's fault but currently the situation is one stays 4 times a year and has a bedroom and the other lives there every day and doesn't. That's not okay.

@Toanewstart22 I replied to you above to say my partners onboard with the decision. He’s a fantastic dad and keeps involved in SS’s life and as I’ve already wrote we are in the process of saving and looking for a 3 bed.

@girlmom21 DD wasn’t planned I’ve had a lot of procedures and was told I wouldn’t have children of my own without medical involvement so when she happened naturally I of course jumped at the chance to have her.
He’s more than welcome regardless of my feelings towards him and a sofa beds actually planned but not yet purchased.

If you only have two bedrooms and one child resident 100% of the time plus one child only staying overnight a few nights per year then of course you are not unreasonable to make the second bedroom the resident child's room. The age gap, fact they're different sexes and fact that they don't seem to get on means its the right call to accommodate the child who visits occasionally in the living room rather than sharing a room.

The older boy does sound as though he desperately needs better parenting though. I have a 14 year old son as well as an older and younger children and the behaviour described is absolutely not the behaviour of a typical 14 year old boy.

@rookiemere honestly if he stayed the 3 days a week still I’d have kept the room for him until I upsized. He was here first.

What's your DP doing about the fact that one of his children is troubled and struggling? What is he doing to connect and build a bond with his still very young son?

@Evilstepmummy it doesn't matter that she wasn't planned. You were pregnant for 9 months (presumably) and she's now 2. There's been plenty of time to find a home suitable for everybody.

[quote Evilstepmummy]@rookiemere honestly if he stayed the 3 days a week still I’d have kept the room for him until I upsized. He was here first.[/quote]
I think you'd have been wrong to do that, him being there first is not a good reason for him to be prioritised when his needs are lesser (slightly bitter second child here, I hate attitudes like this).

Of course YANBU about the room.

It's also not surprising you don't like him and I would stop devoting energy to bending over backwards to try and please him. All of the comments saying things about how he must be feeling, how troubled he is etc imply it's your job to focus on fixing this, when really it's his dad's.

[quote girlmom21]@Evilstepmummy it doesn't matter that she wasn't planned. You were pregnant for 9 months (presumably) and she's now 2. There's been plenty of time to find a home suitable for everybody. [/quote]
But not plenty of time to afford one if they couldn't.

@ZoeTheThornyDevil DP takes him out on group activities and camping to try build life skills but there’s only so much he can do as he isn’t resident parent so the schools won’t engage as actively with him alone and SS’s mum doesn’t see a problem with his behaviour. I’d put it down to them splitting if it wasn’t for the fact he was a baby when they split but his dad never had a long term relationship before me so it’s been a massive change for him which we have tried to approach sensitively

He visited 4x in last year
Twice briefly to her gifts
Did you partner see him more than 4x?

Both children should have a space of their own. By having more children when you didn’t have room you and your DH have created this situation. What would you have done if DSS lived with you full time??

You need to sort it out so that both children have their own space in your home.

And yes you sound like you don’t like him so you aren’t bothered about making him comfortable. However he isn’t some random teenager you get to dislike. You put yourself in his life when you married his dad, it is your responsibility to make your relationship work, not his.

@Holly60

Both children should have a space of their own. By having more children when you didn’t have room you and your DH have created this situation. What would you have done if DSS lived with you full time??

You need to sort it out so that both children have their own space in your home.

And yes you sound like you don’t like him so you aren’t bothered about making him comfortable. However he isn’t some random teenager you get to dislike. You put yourself in his life when you married his dad, it is your responsibility to make your relationship work, not his.

Most of this is his dad's responsibility.

Can you not convert the loft into a room for him?

You do rather sound like you’re justifying this by listing all the reasons you don’t like him, and apart from him hurting your DD they’re all fairly normal teenage behaviours. SS was probably very upset when his parents split and it’s not really helped by him not really having a base at his dad’s anymore. I think you need to try and make him more welcome.

I think it's reasonable although I would make sure I had discussed it with him first and how to make it feel like his when he is here, rather than choosing my moment in a relationship crisis - which is just asking for further estrangement.

What would you have done if DSS lived with you full time??

I hate questions like this. It's complete whataboutery. It's not relevant because he doesn't. In the same way it's not relevant what my parents would have done with my room had I lived with them until I was 30 instead of moving out at 18.

You don't have to do exactly the same in one situation as you'd do in another.

The facts are right now that he doesn't live with them and only stays a few times a year. What they'd do if that was different is irrelevant because it's not.

Are you suggesting they should just keep his room forever despite him barely being there and DD who lives there all the time should have no room at all because that's what they'd have to do if he lived there? He doesn't, so what's the point in that?

@Lalliella

Can you not convert the loft into a room for him?

You do rather sound like you’re justifying this by listing all the reasons you don’t like him, and apart from him hurting your DD they’re all fairly normal teenage behaviours. SS was probably very upset when his parents split and it’s not really helped by him not really having a base at his dad’s anymore. I think you need to try and make him more welcome.

His parents split when he was a baby, and OP has made it clear she's tried very hard to make him more welcome. He's responded to it all with bad behaviour, so at this point it's on his dad to make him feel more welcome.

It sounds like OP is very patient with him, really.

It's the same with the "what if he were your child" you get all the time of these boards. Irrelevant, because he isn't. And if he were I'm sure you'd have been able to deal with things differently.

Detach and let his Dad deal with it OP.