AIBU for taking SS bedroom

[Evilstepmummy]

I know to the majority of mumsnetters the concept of taking a Step Child’s room off of them is already unreasonable and grounds for stoning but hear me out.

When DP and I got together (over 5 years ago) we had SS every week for 3 days, we stay in a two bedroom so he had his own space and was (still is) welcome whenever he wants. I had DD 3 years ago and for 2 years after she was born his room was completely his, she was in with me and her toys were in the livingroom but his visits started to deplete as he hit his teen years and the baby shows became a constant. Now my health visitor was unhappy the resident child didn’t have her own space yet so I slowly started transitioning her things into his room too and when he stayed she was back in with me so he had privacy (although there’s also that I am not comfortable with a 14 year old boy sharing with a 3 year old girl).

So 3 years down he visited 4 times in total the past year and twice was just so he could get gifts. Now there was a big falling out his last visit, his attitude is atrocious and because I asked him to do something he said he hates me and doesn’t like talking to his sister and he stormed out and hasn’t been back although has still had phone contact with his dad. My DD needed her own space was constantly asking for a room and we aren’t quite in a position to upsize (fingers crossed for this year) so I’ve gave her the room and decorated it for her. SS has a blow up bed and he always stayed in the livingroom while playing on his consoles anyway so I don’t think sleeping there will be a big deal for the most part.

Now I don’t have a good relationship with him (lied about my partner hitting him to his primary school when he found out I was pregnant which was thankfully shut down instantly, told his mum I deliberately bully him because I don’t let him play the play station all day and night, left big red marks on my daughters face and hurt her when he was “play pinching” her cheeks and even before all this when me and his dad were just dating told me I wasn’t allowed to buy myself things in front of him unless I bought for him too I mean he also doesn’t lift a finger to help himself, refuses to walk or get the bus anywhere it’s lifts or taxi’s only and is just rude)

So really AIBU to take the room and give it to DD?

I’d be so sad if I was your dh

My son has visited me just 4x in the last year. Why wouldn’t you visit your dad (and this was when he had his own room!) - clearly he has little to no desire to come.

So has his dad been travelling to him to see him?

Yes his dad sees him

No I didn’t take his room out from under him the plan was always for them to share but the toddler would sleep in my bed with me in the days he was here until we got a bigger house. He was aware of this arrangement and said he was completely okay with it. The slow transition was just so it wasn’t all at once but as he’s been staying less it made more sense for her to have the room instead.

Please OP - No toddler of 3 was going to sleep in yours and your partners bed 3 nights per week.

Contact time over the past 18 months has been for all step families / blended families hit and miss. We were pretty consistent then covid in households on multiple occasions meant some gaps. So to say he has come less over the last year - is like saying covid did not happen.

Have just asked my 14yr old if he went to Dads and the room he and his brother shared was starting to fill with toddler stuff, they had to share the room with little sis and painted "pink" what would he do.
"I would go and see Dad and not stay"
Why
"Seriously Mum are you weird - am not sharing a room with my "little sister"
What if you had a blow up bed in the lounge for 3 days a week?
" Now you are being stupid - where do I do my homework on the toilet"

Like I said - unrealistic and the more I think about it you were unreasonable. You agreed a plan with your DSS and then you stuck two fingers up at him and kicked him into the lounge 3 nights per week.

OP, please ignore the pearl-clutching “But think of the children!” brigade.

Living arrangements wise, we’d all pull a bigger house out of our ass if we could afford one, wouldn’t we? But since none of us have, then I’d suggest it’s because we can’t afford a bigger house. So ignore that argument for a start.

Your stepson has his own room at his mother’s house and visits you once every 3 months on average. Your daughter is sharing a room with her parents despite living there full time and not having a room in any other house. Of course it’s perfectly reasonable to give her the one other bedroom in the house rather than leave it as a permanent shrine to her older brother who barely visits. Get in there, paint the whole thing whatever colour she wants it and don’t give it a second thought. You wouldn’t keep a guest bedroom untouched and in pristine condition for any other relative who visited 4 times a year while the other 3 residents of the house are all sleeping squashed into one room, would you? Honestly, just give your daughter the room and don’t give it a second thought.

Your stepson’s behaviour is a separate issue to the room thing. I have two teenage stepsons and not one of them would lie on the floor like a tantruming toddler if they didn’t get their own way. Nor would I put up with it either. The fact that you say his mother doesn’t see an issue with his behaviour is very telling - if he’s never pulled up on this sort of shit when he’s at his Mum’s then it’s no wonder he acts up when he’s at your house as he’s just used to being able to behave this way and not experience any consequences. Your stepson just sounds like a shit.

@Harlequin1088

OP, please ignore the pearl-clutching “But think of the children!” brigade.

Living arrangements wise, we’d all pull a bigger house out of our ass if we could afford one, wouldn’t we? But since none of us have, then I’d suggest it’s because we can’t afford a bigger house. So ignore that argument for a start.

Your stepson has his own room at his mother’s house and visits you once every 3 months on average. Your daughter is sharing a room with her parents despite living there full time and not having a room in any other house. Of course it’s perfectly reasonable to give her the one other bedroom in the house rather than leave it as a permanent shrine to her older brother who barely visits. Get in there, paint the whole thing whatever colour she wants it and don’t give it a second thought. You wouldn’t keep a guest bedroom untouched and in pristine condition for any other relative who visited 4 times a year while the other 3 residents of the house are all sleeping squashed into one room, would you? Honestly, just give your daughter the room and don’t give it a second thought.

Your stepson’s behaviour is a separate issue to the room thing. I have two teenage stepsons and not one of them would lie on the floor like a tantruming toddler if they didn’t get their own way. Nor would I put up with it either. The fact that you say his mother doesn’t see an issue with his behaviour is very telling - if he’s never pulled up on this sort of shit when he’s at his Mum’s then it’s no wonder he acts up when he’s at your house as he’s just used to being able to behave this way and not experience any consequences. Your stepson just sounds like a shit.

This all of this with bells on.

@uneffingbelievable behave would you please.

@uneffingbelievable you clearly don't have toddler of 3.

Plenty of children under school age won't sleep in their own beds alone and will happily sleep with their parents. It's the parents who don't want to sleep with them.

[quote RedWingBoots]@uneffingbelievable you clearly don't have toddler of 3.

Plenty of children under school age won't sleep in their own beds alone and will happily sleep with their parents. It's the parents who don't want to sleep with them.[/quote]
I absolutely agree and as someone who's 3 year old slept on my neck last night, cannot relate to comment more.

Do people really forget sleeping with a octopus or what it's like when the kids grow up or just selective amnesia lol 😂

@uneffingbelievable

Please OP - No toddler of 3 was going to sleep in yours and your partners bed 3 nights per week.

Contact time over the past 18 months has been for all step families / blended families hit and miss. We were pretty consistent then covid in households on multiple occasions meant some gaps. So to say he has come less over the last year - is like saying covid did not happen.

Have just asked my 14yr old if he went to Dads and the room he and his brother shared was starting to fill with toddler stuff, they had to share the room with little sis and painted "pink" what would he do.
"I would go and see Dad and not stay"
Why
"Seriously Mum are you weird - am not sharing a room with my "little sister"
What if you had a blow up bed in the lounge for 3 days a week?
" Now you are being stupid - where do I do my homework on the toilet"

Like I said - unrealistic and the more I think about it you were unreasonable. You agreed a plan with your DSS and then you stuck two fingers up at him and kicked him into the lounge 3 nights per week.

Covid hasn’t affected contact profoundly in all blended families. And it’s not the reason that contact had reduced from 3 days a week to 4 times a year (on the kind of occasions where kids get presents).

A teenage visiting a handful of times a year won’t be doing homework. So that’s just irrelevant.

Keeping a shrine to a child who doesn’t want to visit and only does so to get something is fine and well if you have a big house where you can afford to have rooms sitting empty c. 360 days a year. Like most people, the OP doesn’t. There’s a little girl who doesn’t even have a bedroom anywhere involved.

Tbh, if I spoke to my teenage son and he displayed the attitude you’ve described in your about having contact with his father (being unwilling to go if conditions aren’t exactly right for him, implying that painting a bedroom pink is a good enough reason for refusing to go, being ridiculous about homework - seriously the kitchen table is the answer there for many children in the world), I’d be disappointed in his attitude. I wouldn’t be reporting it with some measure of pride as to how teenagers should respond to deciding to give a little girl a bedroom in the house she lives in all the time.

Burnttoast - you would have to understand the context of how my DCs have been treated by their father and SM1 and SM2.

If I have 2 DCS - er yes I have had a few 3 yr olds in my life and do recall hat it is like!

Like I have said- no issue with OPs child having the room it makes sense but after 4 years they had time to consider options and for a child who was staying 3/7 as he was - a blow up bed in the lounge is not good enough. Any child would come less on that arrangement.

Let's hope Mum has not decided that s he is only ith her 4/7 he can have a blow up bed in the lounge aswell!

@uneffingbelievable

Burnttoast - you would have to understand the context of how my DCs have been treated by their father and SM1 and SM2.

If I have 2 DCS - er yes I have had a few 3 yr olds in my life and do recall hat it is like!

Like I have said- no issue with OPs child having the room it makes sense but after 4 years they had time to consider options and for a child who was staying 3/7 as he was - a blow up bed in the lounge is not good enough. Any child would come less on that arrangement.

Let's hope Mum has not decided that s he is only ith her 4/7 he can have a blow up bed in the lounge aswell!

Except that this thread is not about your children. And I’d still be horrified if my son’s attitude to seeing his father was framed in that way by him.

For clarity, I grew up with divorced parents and never had a room in my dad’s house. Mostly I stayed at my grandparents. I still chose to see my dad - even if I was sleeping on a sofa.

Sincerely, not everyone can afford another bedroom. The little girl is 3 and the other child has been coming very irregularly for over a year now. It possibly was fine when she was 1.

But the situation is as it is now. And it’s totally reasonable to give the bedroom to the child that’s there and middle through when the other child chooses to visit.

FWIW, I have seen a grown man lying on the floor thrashing about having a huge tantrum. He had high functioning autism, and he was kind of beating himself up about something, not sure what. He held down a responsible day job, drove, lived independently - just had a slightly eyebrow-raising coping method! (He used to turn up to a charity coffee morning I went to).