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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Enemy number 1 because I wouldn't collect sick SC

363 replies

Kikkkkk · 06/01/2022 15:27

I'm just recovering from being really unwell with a horrid virus (not Covid). I'm exhausted and have spent much of this week in bed with headaches, chills, aching and sore and swollen throat. Today is the first day I've felt able to move about a bit better but still knackered. I also have a year old son and stay home part time with him, I work 2 days a week but have been off sick. My son goes to nursery on those two days and has been with my parents for some of the week too (including this week) so I could rest during the day and today finally sort some bits of housework too.

I got a call earlier this afternoon from my step sons mother asking if I would be able to collect him from school as they've called to say he's not feeling well and she's at work. My husband is at work too but can't always have his phone on him so she'd not been able to get hold of him yet.

I said no because I was unwell and she'd have to collect him herself or try DH again. She put the phone down and I assume went to get him herself.

I had a text a couple of hours later basically saying it was disappointing I wouldn't help, she's really stressed with work and can't easily take the time out of the day blah blah.

It's not the first time she's treated me (due to the fact I work part time I assume) like her childcare.

Was I really being unreasonable?! Like sort it out between yourselves ffs, I'm knackered, unwell and I have to go and sort my own son out shortly, I'm usually quite understanding but I feel that crap that frankly I really don't give a shit about her work.

OP posts:
Skiptheheartsandflowers · 06/01/2022 18:01

OP is not the only option, she's just the most convenient option for everyone else.

Yes, this. It falls to you as a parent to pick up your child when they're ill at school, and anyone else being able to do it should be regarded as a huge and unusual favour. Absolutely not an expectation, and doubly not so of an ill person!

I would blank the message and not reply. She's not your line manager and she can be as 'disappointed' as she likes but you don't have to explain yourself to her. What I would do is never take another phone call from her. I would leave any future calls to go to voicemail. Don't even open up the opportunity for this again.

I assume your partner financially supports you to enable you to only work 2 days?

Or the OP is supporting him and their various children by doing the childcare that otherwise he/they would have to budget and pay for. She's saving him money! (In this world view where the
Big Man always controls the family wallet)

Chloemol · 06/01/2022 18:05

YANBU. Her and your dh issue, and to top it all you are ill enough to have to ask your parents to look after your child

ILoveYou3000 · 06/01/2022 18:09

She couldn’t be asked to pick up his son when he was sick on her off-day. I wouldn’t call that doing enough for the family.

Did you miss the bit where the OP says she's ill, been struggling to get out of bed and has arranged alternative care for her own child this week because of this?

Or did you just decide to ignore that to fit your own biased narrative?

KiloWhat · 06/01/2022 18:10

@Skiptheheartsandflowers thats a good idea actually just ignore from now on.

KiloWhat · 06/01/2022 18:12

OP has been unwell and needs to recover. There is no point her wearing herself down or this will just lead to burn out.

Mum and dad knew the deal when they split up. Presumably it did not involve outsourcing their parenting to someone else.

Puremule · 06/01/2022 18:14

He lives with you half the week but you wouldn't pick him up from school when he was sick?? Lousy.

stingofthebutterfly · 06/01/2022 18:14

I couldn't imagine caring so little about my stepchild that I wouldn't pick them up if they were unwell and I was able to, despite feeling crap myself. Sod what you think of the child's mother and your partner, the child comes first imo. They became part of your family when you entered into a relationship with their dad.

funinthesun19 · 06/01/2022 18:17

I just love it when stepmums are held to higher standards than the child’s actual parents.
Mum can’t/won’t- fair enough.
Dad can’t/won’t- fair enough.
Stepmum can’t/won’t- poor child.

If it’s mum’s day then why the hell would the op think it’s her job to pick dsc up? The dad is more likely to receive the OP’s help. Surely mum has someone she could ask who is part of her own support network if dad is unreachable. If not then she will have to do it herself like many other parents. But Op just simply isn’t an option for the mum. Just like op would never have mum as an option.

KiloWhat · 06/01/2022 18:17

@stingofthebutterfly

I couldn't imagine caring so little about my stepchild that I wouldn't pick them up if they were unwell and I was able to, despite feeling crap myself. Sod what you think of the child's mother and your partner, the child comes first imo. They became part of your family when you entered into a relationship with their dad.
The child comes first to mum and dad.

SM has her own priorities.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 06/01/2022 18:17

@stingofthebutterfly

I couldn't imagine caring so little about my stepchild that I wouldn't pick them up if they were unwell and I was able to, despite feeling crap myself. Sod what you think of the child's mother and your partner, the child comes first imo. They became part of your family when you entered into a relationship with their dad.
Imagine being the child's actual mother, then, and caring so little about them that you could leave work, but would rather not, so you expect someone else to. Why isn't it a case of 'the child comes first' for her?
KiloWhat · 06/01/2022 18:18

@funinthesun19 exactly. DSCs' mum just has to do what ever it is she would do if I didn't exist. I'm not a 3rd legal guardian or something.
Dad can ask me for favours as long as he doesn't kick up a stink if I say no.

Magda72 · 06/01/2022 18:19

I just love it when stepmums are held to higher standards than the child’s actual parents.
Mum can’t/won’t- fair enough.
Dad can’t/won’t- fair enough.
Stepmum can’t/won’t- poor child.
Bang on @funinthesun19
Good to see the usual irrational trolls out for this one!

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 06/01/2022 18:19

This is such a strange thread. The op is too ill to look after her own dc - why on earth should she look after someone elses?

Definitely dont reply to the message, even though its really tempting!

Charitable take on exw: Is it possible that due to stress or background noise she didnt hear that you are ill? Because hanging up immediately suggests that she is quite stressed and ringing someone else.

KiloWhat · 06/01/2022 18:20

@Puremule

He lives with you half the week but you wouldn't pick him up from school when he was sick?? Lousy.
He lives with his mum the test of the time but she didn't want to pick him up from school when he was sick. Is she lousy too?
Original poster
Kikkkkk · 06/01/2022 18:26

I assume your partner financially supports you to enable you to only work 2 days?

I have no idea what this has to do with anything.

Also love how on threads here if a mother is ever asked to do something on the dad's time it's all "he needs to source alternative childcare" but in this case, when it should have been mum's day, its totally fine to expect me, when I've been really unwell and unable to look after my own child, to do it for her. Even going so far as to say I should because our situations are unequal because I don't work as much.

I'm not sure why my work situation is at all relevant to her or hers to me.

OP posts:
stingofthebutterfly · 06/01/2022 18:27

@KiloWhat well she shouldn't. She's in a relationship with the child's father. That makes the child her responsibility by proxy. They come as a pair.

@Skiptheheartsandflowers yep, I agree the child's mum is taking the piss, however it's exceptionally selfish of the op to be yet another adult to think it ok leave an unwell child at school.

Flowerpower23 · 06/01/2022 18:27

I’m not saying she should feel worse, just that it’s not really the child’s fault if it’s own mum is being negligent and I would stand in to make the child feel better. Not to do the mum a favour.

Original poster
Kikkkkk · 06/01/2022 18:28

He wasn't left at school. His mother went to get him. Where did I suggest he was left at school? My husband rang her back within an hour and she had already collected him. He's not still there in the nurses office don't worry.

OP posts:
FanGirlX · 06/01/2022 18:28

When you take on stepchildren - you take on a level of responsibility for them too,

Only if one of the parents is dead or missing. If both parents are still around then the step parent has no responsibility to their step child.

I'm a mum and I was a step mum. I would always pick up / look after ex DSD if it was on ex DPs watch and he couldn't do it, for whatever reason but not when she was on her mum's watch.

Reason being, ex DSDs mum had been rude, difficult and unreasonable to us, so why should I do her any favours? Because that's what picking up / looking after someone else's child is - a favour.

StormTreader · 06/01/2022 18:29

"she's really stressed with work and can't easily take the time out of the day"

This is the key phrase, she thinks you do nothing all day and can easily take time out for errands whenever she wants you to.

KiloWhat · 06/01/2022 18:29

@Kikkkkk

He wasn't left at school. His mother went to get him. Where did I suggest he was left at school? My husband rang her back within an hour and she had already collected him. He's not still there in the nurses office don't worry.
That makes it even worse! She clearly was able to go and get him but wanted you to put yourself out for her career. Ffs. It just gets worse.
funinthesun19 · 06/01/2022 18:29

It’s blatant double standards OP. Mum shouldn’t have to anything for anyone but everyone owes her big time. That’s basically what it is.

Kbyodjs · 06/01/2022 18:30

@stingofthebutterfly if the child comes first then surely he would want his mum to pick him up when he’s ill? The OP didn’t leave him to stay in school, she just expected his mum to leave work.
How is expecting his mum to pick him up not putting the child first?

KiloWhat · 06/01/2022 18:30

Only if one of the parents is dead or missing. If both parents are still around then the step parent has no responsibility to their step child. even then the other parent is the one with the responsibility

workingtheusername · 06/01/2022 18:31

If I was free I would do it. If busy or unwell no.