Enemy number 1 because I wouldn't collect sick SC

[Kikkkkk]

I'm just recovering from being really unwell with a horrid virus (not Covid). I'm exhausted and have spent much of this week in bed with headaches, chills, aching and sore and swollen throat. Today is the first day I've felt able to move about a bit better but still knackered. I also have a year old son and stay home part time with him, I work 2 days a week but have been off sick. My son goes to nursery on those two days and has been with my parents for some of the week too (including this week) so I could rest during the day and today finally sort some bits of housework too.

I got a call earlier this afternoon from my step sons mother asking if I would be able to collect him from school as they've called to say he's not feeling well and she's at work. My husband is at work too but can't always have his phone on him so she'd not been able to get hold of him yet.

I said no because I was unwell and she'd have to collect him herself or try DH again. She put the phone down and I assume went to get him herself.

I had a text a couple of hours later basically saying it was disappointing I wouldn't help, she's really stressed with work and can't easily take the time out of the day blah blah.

It's not the first time she's treated me (due to the fact I work part time I assume) like her childcare.

Was I really being unreasonable?! Like sort it out between yourselves ffs, I'm knackered, unwell and I have to go and sort my own son out shortly, I'm usually quite understanding but I feel that crap that frankly I really don't give a shit about her work.

@vivainsomnia

It doesn't come down to have ought or not.

It is plainly a case of how the processus for doing favours operates in this set up. It should go both ways. Not forcibly in the sane way.

There are regular threads about RP expected to have the kids when they are due to be with their dad but the SM is due to give birth or gas done so and needs some peace and quiet.

Again, not a case if 'ought to' but of reasonable request for help.

I fee lucky that my ex and his partner as well as myself and oh always operated on the basis of flexibility and in this scenario, she would definitely have picked up my kids, just it was a given that I would keep the kids when she gave birth or gone to pick them up if she'd gone into labour quickly whilst they were there.

She’d have picked up your child even though she was too sick to take care of her own?

I fee lucky that my ex and his partner as well as myself and oh always operated on the basis of flexibility and in this scenario, she would definitely have picked up my kids, just it was a given that I would keep the kids when she gave birth or gone to pick them up if she'd gone into labour quickly whilst they were there.
She’d have picked up your child even though she was too sick to take care of her own?

Also, this is the account of this scenario from the SC’s mother who benefits from the child’s father, his new partner, and her new partner all pitching in to help her.

But the reciprocity part is in looking after her own children while their stepmother is giving birth. It’s not dropping everything to pick the SM’s child up.

But it is presented as if this is actual reciprocity rather than simply being a parent.

Most people who are that ill stay at home and don't do any favours

She’d have picked up your child even though she was too sick to take care of her own?
OP Sid age was exhausted, unwell but would be looking after her child. She said she was able to move around, so I took from this that she wasn't feeling too great but well enough to pick up and look after a child.

But the reciprocity part is in looking after her own children while their stepmother is giving birth. It’s not dropping everything to pick the SM’s child up
When she dies t have to because they are then the responsibility of their dad and it's not her concern she's given birth and needs time to recover.

@BurntToastAgain

I fee lucky that my ex and his partner as well as myself and oh always operated on the basis of flexibility and in this scenario, she would definitely have picked up my kids, just it was a given that I would keep the kids when she gave birth or gone to pick them up if she'd gone into labour quickly whilst they were there. She’d have picked up your child even though she was too sick to take care of her own?

Also, this is the account of this scenario from the SC’s mother who benefits from the child’s father, his new partner, and her new partner all pitching in to help her.

But the reciprocity part is in looking after her own children while their stepmother is giving birth. It’s not dropping everything to pick the SM’s child up.

But it is presented as if this is actual reciprocity rather than simply being a parent.

Yes exactly.

Looking after your own children while their stepmum is in labour is hardly doing a favour for the stepmum??

When she dies t have to because they are then the responsibility of their dad and it's not her concern she's given birth and needs time to recover.

This isn’t a favour to the SM though. It’s looking after her own children because their father cannot or will not have them.

It’s a change in the contact pattern negotiated between parents. Who are both parents 100% of the time.

This is part of the problem, people viewing women looking after their own children as a ‘favour’ to a woman who just happens to be in a relationship with the children’s father. And expecting the SM to ‘reciprocate’ her generosity in looking after her own children by looking after the children for her.

The way the favour works is that the SM picking up SC is doing their partner a favour by helping him with his children. Except that it actually him doing a favour to his ex, who has asked him to care for the children during her contact time. Just as the arrangement above is the ex doing him a favour during his contact time.

But somehow the man in the middle is edited out and the SC’s mother believes that she’s done the SM a favour and can expect the SM to do the same.

OP Sid age was exhausted, unwell but would be looking after her child. She said she was able to move around, so I took from this that she wasn't feeling too great but well enough to pick up and look after a child.

Why did you take it to mean that? She said it has been awful, she's been in bed for the best part of a week, and today is the first day she's able to get up at all, has done a small amount of housework but still feels awful. Her parents are looking after her child until she has no choice but to pick them up. Why would you take that as her being well enough to want to do favours that she DOES have a choice about?

Also picking up your own child is necessarily the same thing in terms of effort required as someone else's, let alone someone else's who is themselves unwell.

But the reciprocity part is in looking after her own children while their stepmother is giving birth. It’s not dropping everything to pick the SM’s child up
When she dies t have to because they are then the responsibility of their dad and it's not her concern she's given birth and needs time to recover.

This is such an odd attitude though, I don't really think most parents usually think this way? "I don't have to look after my kids because it's their dad's day so they're his responsibility".

Obviously the SM giving birth is not the mum's concern, but surely her concern would extend to her own children needing somewhere to be? That is the thing that brings the mother into it, not the SM being in labour.

Most people can find someone else to look after the kids for extenuating circumstances, but the majority of parents would be happy to look after their own children while a step-parent gives birth rather than let them be shipped off to grandparents or friends. They don't see looking after their own children as a favour to the stepmum!

Mum would be doing SM a favour if she looked after SM's other child while she was in labour! Not her own.

Looking after your own kids as a favour to your ex's new wife so she can give birth ahahahahaha omg.

A favour! I can't get over that.

I mean dps ex wouldn't look after her own child while I was in labour. She thought it more important that dp looked after him because surely I'd be okay on my own and her need was greater.

If she'd have said yes and called it a favour I'd have laughed in her face.

Dp obv arranged childcare because he is thankfully, not a knob.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Looking after your own kids as a favour to your ex's new wife so she can give birth ahahahahaha omg.

A favour! I can't get over that.

I mean dps ex wouldn't look after her own child while I was in labour. She thought it more important that dp looked after him because surely I'd be okay on my own and her need was greater.

If she'd have said yes and called it a favour I'd have laughed in her face.

Dp obv arranged childcare because he is thankfully, not a knob.

Yet the stepmother looking after that said child while unwell herself is a responsibility. Just bonkers

Surely children are (somewhat) like mortgages. That is, you and their other parent are equally and jointly liable for them. If one of you doesn’t pay; the other just has to pay the whole lot.

Only the people who took out the mortgage are responsible for paying it. If anyone else does it, they are doing the person/people who should have a favour.

Stepparents do not take on parental responsibility when they marry (or cohabit with) a parent. Both parents still have responsibility for their children 100% of the time - whatever contact arrangements they’ve made. No one else has this responsibility.

What this means is that, regardless that it’s ‘not your time’, there will always be a possibility that you might end up looking after your children. For whatever reason.

@BurntToastAgain - brilliant!

Looking after your own children while their stepmum is in labour is hardly doing a favour for the stepmum??
For a start, I said to rest after the birth as it's been read here a number of times, so of of course it is a favour to the SM if otherwise, the child would have been there.

It might be her children, but if it's the time they are scheduled to be with their dad and SM, then it has nothing to do with her. She might be away to spend time at her boyfriend every other weekend or just have some fun. Amazing how RP are expected to be at home, crying for their kids when they are with their dad, have no life and available to keep them whenever it might suit the ex and SM.

I didn't take that the OP was that unwell today that she couldn't pick up a child, if that's the case, that's fair enough.

It's fair enough too if she just didn't want to as long as it's accepted that favours will not be done either way whatever the circumstances which work for some families.

Ours work much better with flexibility on both sides.

What this means is that, regardless that it’s ‘not your time’, there will always be a possibility that you might end up looking after your children. For whatever reason
So if the rp is suddenly unwell herself, even though her new husband could look after the child, it would be absolutely acceptable for her to call her ex, tell him he has to come and get the child and look after them until she's better, even if they had planned to go away, because she can't look after the child and the default is their other parent.

I can imagine the thread here if that happened!

@BurntToastAgain

Yep it is primarily a favour to the dad.

Interesting what you say about alloparenting. I think the nuclear family is so fetishised here that it is difficult for people to conceive of alternatives. Many families including step parents just seem to try to replicate this nuclear family model and I think that is where this goes wrong.

I read stories about pairs of single mums who chose to live together, and I think my own blended family is closer to this than a nuclear family; we are primarily responsible for our own children, but help each other out when we can. We came together as independent individuals with children because it made us and our children happier and less lonely and same for dsc mum and her partner.

@vivainsomnia

What this means is that, regardless that it’s ‘not your time’, there will always be a possibility that you might end up looking after your children. For whatever reason So if the rp is suddenly unwell herself, even though her new husband could look after the child, it would be absolutely acceptable for her to call her ex, tell him he has to come and get the child and look after them until she's better, even if they had planned to go away, because she can't look after the child and the default is their other parent.

I can imagine the thread here if that happened!

Yes.

This is what has happened here several times. She never gets her partner to look after them.

For a start, I said to rest after the birth as it's been read here a number of times, so of of course it is a favour to the SM if otherwise, the child would have been there.

No. You are totally missing the point.

The father is deciding that he doesn’t want his other children there because his wife is resting and recuperating.

He could otherwise send them to stay with family or friends or whatever. But he’s giving their mother the first call there.

The children are there to have contact with their father. You looking after your own children is not a favour to the SM. She’s not obliged to look after them at any point ever.

You and their father have parental responsibility for them. No one else.

Woah. Can’t believe the hard time you’re getting on here, OP. This is down to the parents, not you.

I’m assuming she’s not performing heart surgery or working in an environment/on a shift where she cannot leave for an emergency?

Does she need to be in touch with you? Hanging up and sending nasty texts sounds like pretty good reasons to block….

@vivainsomnia

Looking after your own children while their stepmum is in labour is hardly doing a favour for the stepmum?? For a start, I said to rest after the birth as it's been read here a number of times, so of of course it is a favour to the SM if otherwise, the child would have been there.

It might be her children, but if it's the time they are scheduled to be with their dad and SM, then it has nothing to do with her. She might be away to spend time at her boyfriend every other weekend or just have some fun. Amazing how RP are expected to be at home, crying for their kids when they are with their dad, have no life and available to keep them whenever it might suit the ex and SM.

I didn't take that the OP was that unwell today that she couldn't pick up a child, if that's the case, that's fair enough.

It's fair enough too if she just didn't want to as long as it's accepted that favours will not be done either way whatever the circumstances which work for some families.

Ours work much better with flexibility on both sides.

OP made it clear right from the start that she's not even been looking after her own child because she's ill.

As BurntToast says above, it is not (or should not be!) SM mainly looking after the SCs when they are in her household, so therefore if their dad asks not to rearrange some days because his wife has just given birth and he is run off his feet and knackered, then that's surely a favour to him if the ex decides to do it?

I feel like you're responding to criticism on mums that most people aren't saying?

Amazing how RP are expected to be at home, crying for their kids when they are with their dad, have no life and available to keep them whenever it might suit the ex and SM.

Who has said this? She is very welcome to be away with her boyfriend or doing whatever else she likes - I'm sure dad and SM could find other care if that was the case.

In this case, the mum even has OP's number, which would indicate that they do chop and change as need be, otherwise she wouldn't need it. On this occasion, OP was too unwell to help out and got an earful from mum because she'd rather not have left work to pick up her own child on her day. It's not on.

@vivainsomnia

What this means is that, regardless that it’s ‘not your time’, there will always be a possibility that you might end up looking after your children. For whatever reason So if the rp is suddenly unwell herself, even though her new husband could look after the child, it would be absolutely acceptable for her to call her ex, tell him he has to come and get the child and look after them until she's better, even if they had planned to go away, because she can't look after the child and the default is their other parent.

I can imagine the thread here if that happened!

Well yeah .

Obviously their other parent has to look after their children/help sort alternate care if the parent meant to have them is unwell. That's the nature of having children.

I dunno why you'd think people wouldn't think that? That's exactly what we're all saying...parents are responsible!

Amazing how RP are expected to be at home, crying for their kids when they are with their dad, have no life and available to keep them whenever it might suit the ex and SM.

That’s not what is being said. I was a stepmum for almost 10 years, and never once did I expect ex’s ex wife to do what you’ve said. And I certainly wouldn’t expect her to do that for my benefit!

What I did expect was for her to leave me alone?

Amazing how RP are expected to be at home, crying for their kids when they are with their dad, have no life and available to keep them whenever it might suit the ex and SM.

They weren't with their dad, it wasn't his contact day, it was her day and they were at school. When did the person who didn't create the kids suddenly become default babysitting (without the payment)

I'm a DM and I don't think this is a thing 😵‍💫

Amazing how RP are expected to be at home, crying for their kids when they are with their dad, have no life and available to keep them whenever it might suit the ex and SM.

Yes, because a mother picking up her own sick child rather than telling another woman (who's too sick to look after their own child) that they need to pick her child up for her, because she doesn't want the inconvenience of leaving work, means exactly that.

If this was during the father's contact time, he could potentially ask his ill partner. Unlikely, because you know, she's ill and whilst the mother couldn't give a fuck about that, a decent person does. It is the mother's contact time, and if the father can't go, then she needs to ask someone who can. OP can't. Or, heaven forbid, get over herself and go and collect her own child.

@vivainsomnia

What this means is that, regardless that it’s ‘not your time’, there will always be a possibility that you might end up looking after your children. For whatever reason So if the rp is suddenly unwell herself, even though her new husband could look after the child, it would be absolutely acceptable for her to call her ex, tell him he has to come and get the child and look after them until she's better, even if they had planned to go away, because she can't look after the child and the default is their other parent.

I can imagine the thread here if that happened!

If I was unwell enough that I was not able to look after my children, then absolutely the person I would expect to pick up the slack would be their father. 100%.

My exh had covid, I had the children for just over a fortnight.
My exh was unwell prior to covid and again the children stayed with me.
Another time one of my children sustained a head injury at school and whilst the ex was more than happy to have said child as normal. Child wanted to be home with me.

All of the above involved my cancelling plans elsewhere. I wouldn’t have dreamt of telling him ‘tough, your partner needs to look after them/ you need to sort childcare.’

If the other parent cannot care for their child, then of course the other parent (with parental responsibility) needs to step up.

Amazing how RP are expected to be at home, crying for their kids when they are with their dad, have no life and available to keep them whenever it might suit the ex and SM.

How come OP is expected to pick the child up on mum's time then? It's not even dad's responsibility to pick him up on that day, let alone OP's, by your logic.