Enemy number 1 because I wouldn't collect sick SC

[Kikkkkk]

I'm just recovering from being really unwell with a horrid virus (not Covid). I'm exhausted and have spent much of this week in bed with headaches, chills, aching and sore and swollen throat. Today is the first day I've felt able to move about a bit better but still knackered. I also have a year old son and stay home part time with him, I work 2 days a week but have been off sick. My son goes to nursery on those two days and has been with my parents for some of the week too (including this week) so I could rest during the day and today finally sort some bits of housework too.

I got a call earlier this afternoon from my step sons mother asking if I would be able to collect him from school as they've called to say he's not feeling well and she's at work. My husband is at work too but can't always have his phone on him so she'd not been able to get hold of him yet.

I said no because I was unwell and she'd have to collect him herself or try DH again. She put the phone down and I assume went to get him herself.

I had a text a couple of hours later basically saying it was disappointing I wouldn't help, she's really stressed with work and can't easily take the time out of the day blah blah.

It's not the first time she's treated me (due to the fact I work part time I assume) like her childcare.

Was I really being unreasonable?! Like sort it out between yourselves ffs, I'm knackered, unwell and I have to go and sort my own son out shortly, I'm usually quite understanding but I feel that crap that frankly I really don't give a shit about her work.

No. I wouldn’t have done in that circumstance either. Plus there is the additional thing here of what of the child has covid and tests positive in your care? Does he then have to self isolate at yours? In the nicest possible way, wouldn’t have gone near this one.

All of us who decided to have children have gotten these calls and it is what it is. We have to leave work to get our kids. She should apologise to you.

Block her on your phone and all other forms of contact.

Then tell your DH that his child's mother is to not contact you again in anyway. Make it clear that from today all contact/communication about his child from her needs to go directly to him.

As a PP said she is very entitled. The only way to show her that her behaviour is not on is to have no communication and as little contact as possible with her.

When I was a child the few times my SM looked after me my mother was extremely grateful and made me fully aware that I should be the same as it wasn't my SM role to look after me. There as if someone who was a blood relation e.g. cousin, half-sibling looked after me my mother did not show that gratitude.

A few variables that would decide in how l would act in this situation but my main feeling onnthe fact you are really poorly is yanbu.
Depends what she is normally like with you op - if she is normally awkward and won't budge for you then def not unreasonable. She sounds a bit entitled - your choice to only work 2 days, none of her business really.
My dh's ex makes no secret that she is annoyed l only work part time cos she was full time when they were together. Not that l give a damn what sue thinks!

Hmmm - In perspective, I’m the mum in this situation…

On a day my exh and his wife were supposed to have my child - I don’t expect to be contacted unless they have exhausted their own back ups first - obviously I’d pick up my child and I’d do it almost as a favour - to them- not my child! as there’s always a chance that I’d need them to get my son in circumstances that I inconvenience them for help. I would respect my sons stepmum if she said she couldn’t help out but from the perspective you’ve put it - it’s made to sound like it’s not your problem full stop.

When you take on stepchildren - you take on a level of responsibility for them too, I don’t think it was unreasonable for her to ask, she was clearly in a tight spot, it wasn’t unreasonable for you to decline under the circumstances if you feel poorly but if you wedge an issue here about where your sense of responsibility lies if you can pick up your child while ill but not a stepchild.

had a text a couple of hours later basically saying it was disappointing I wouldn't help, she's really stressed with work and can't easily take the time out of the day blah blah.

I hope you replied with "I am in bed, sick. My parents are looking after DC because I'm too ill to care for him. So picking up SC was simply not possible"

If I wasn't ill then I might have helped out and collected the child but as you're still pretty ill and it isn't your child/responsibility then you weren't unreasonable.

I wouldn't have answered the phone in the first place! Let her text you her demands!
Also you've titled this thread as wouldn't when it should really be couldn't! If you're not well enough to look after your own child then obviously you can't pick up your stepchild! And what were you supposed to do with them anyway? Drop them off or look after them for the rest of the day?
You've done nothing wrong here

Personally due to abusive message I would block her... You aren't her sounding board.. Nor her skivvy

Oh screw that. Not your problem at all. Her kid = her responsibility.

Personally I have nothing to do with my stepsons’ mother. She is absolutely nothing to do with me so has no need to have my number or any contact with me. It sounds harsh but it’s a method of keeping firm boundaries in place and stops any risk of piss-taking behaviour.

@Soakitup37 what responsibilities do you think step parents take on of their are in a relationship with a parent?

*if they

When you take on stepchildren - you take on a level of responsibility for them too,
Em no, you don't. And I'm saying that as a mum - not a sm.
Childcare arrangements for my dc are between me & my exh, whoever we may be seeing, dating, living with, married to is irrelevant to that.

Text back and tell her when she is unwell you don't ask her to collect or look after your child. It was ok of her to ask you, a his she could not get hold of your DH but when you told her you were unwell she should have backed off.

issue here about where your sense of responsibility lies if you can pick up your child while ill but not a stepchild

Well yes, because I'm my child's mother. His parent. Even if I'm ill, he needs caring for by one of his two parents. My step son also has two parents who may sometimes need to be inconvenienced if he needs care.

I don't think you're doing your exHs wife a favour by having your own child sometimes. Your Ex, his father, yes absolutely. But it's not "them", it's him.

Regardless, SS wasn't due to be with us today. Although my husband and his ex don't typically rigidly stick to that. If he'd had known I'm sure he'd have gone if she couldn't and wouldn't have considered it a favour.

I think context is important here although having said that, even if you were well, I would not consider it necessary to ask you to fetch SC if the only reason she couldn't was that she was at work and she didn't want to take time off vs couldn't.

But broadly, if you generally have a good relationship then yes, I'd have done it - a friend called me once to ask me to pick up her DC as she was in London and her husband was away. I was also working, but from home, but she simply couldn't get back quickly enough. It was, of course, inconvenient for me and I think I had to quickly reschedule a meeting, but I was happy to do this favour rather than leaving a sick child in the school office for an hour and a half.

@Soakitup37

Hmmm - In perspective, I’m the mum in this situation…

On a day my exh and his wife were supposed to have my child - I don’t expect to be contacted unless they have exhausted their own back ups first - obviously I’d pick up my child and I’d do it almost as a favour - to them- not my child! as there’s always a chance that I’d need them to get my son in circumstances that I inconvenience them for help. I would respect my sons stepmum if she said she couldn’t help out but from the perspective you’ve put it - it’s made to sound like it’s not your problem full stop.

When you take on stepchildren - you take on a level of responsibility for them too, I don’t think it was unreasonable for her to ask, she was clearly in a tight spot, it wasn’t unreasonable for you to decline under the circumstances if you feel poorly but if you wedge an issue here about where your sense of responsibility lies if you can pick up your child while ill but not a stepchild.

So you'd begrudge picking up your own child but think op is unreasonable?

Right.....

@Anythingbutsnow

I would have done it as I might need the favor returned one day.

Ha ha ha …

As IF!!

this woman isn’t going to pick up her exH kid with someone else!

No YANBU - you were ill and presumably would also not to catch another illness on top of what you have.

Out of interest @Kikkkkk why DOES your h ex have your number?

I’d explain to her that she needs to make arrangements with her ex, and that while you’re sympathetic, you’re not a childcare provider and won’t be treated like one. Ask that she doesn’t text you again on this subject.

I don’t think a step parent is responsible for the SC.

Any help a SP gives is a massive favour and totally down to the SP.

The parents do not get a general dogsbody when the father enters into a relationship (and it’s always SM upon who these demands are made never a SD!).

It is not your problem OP, both parents in this scenario need to have back ups in place in case of emergencies, just as they would if you weren’t around.

I speak as a mother with children from a previous relationship. DH steps in and we parent my DC together but ex is not in the picture and I am always mindful of the fact my older DC aren’t DH’s responsibility he’s a sweetheart for all he does for us.
I’d never expect him to be default skivvy if I’d needed childcare when they were younger, I paid a childminder for that, who also did emergency pick ups.

Block her and hope you get well soon.

Firstly, she should have been appreciative that she even has your number as an option for picking up her son. That's a boundary I refuse to cross.

Secondly, the only suitable response when you said no is "ok no worries" or similar. Not sending you entitled texts. Who exactly does she think you are?!

I personally would make clear my number wasn't to be used again and from now on it is to be arranged between mum and dad. If dad is out of contact so be it. If dad asks you to do it fine. But she doesn't need to speak to you ever again.

We don’t take any responsibility for other peoples children! The child has 2 parents and then there are the extended members of the family, school friends… in short LOADS of other people and back up people before phoning the partner of the ex and effectively trying to bully them into something, and getting aggressive about it.

We do favours for our partners IF at all possible, we don’t need to do anything more than this unless we want to.

I had a text a couple of hours later basically saying it was disappointing I wouldn't help, she's really stressed with work and can't easily take the time out of the day blah blah.

Or suggest she get another job that fits around her child.

I would have done it as I might need the favor returned one day.

Haha, yeah like that’s going to happen.

Why is it that a stepmum’s time isn’t as important as everyone else’s? Why are parents suddenly incapable of handling emergencies when there is a stepmum around especially when she works part time?
She is fucking cheeky and rude beyond words putting the phone down on you.
So what if you were going out anyway to see to your son. That’s because you’re his mum ffs.

You don’t owe the mum anything and you don’t owe dsc your time today.

@Soakitup37

Hmmm - In perspective, I’m the mum in this situation…

On a day my exh and his wife were supposed to have my child - I don’t expect to be contacted unless they have exhausted their own back ups first - obviously I’d pick up my child and I’d do it almost as a favour - to them- not my child! as there’s always a chance that I’d need them to get my son in circumstances that I inconvenience them for help. I would respect my sons stepmum if she said she couldn’t help out but from the perspective you’ve put it - it’s made to sound like it’s not your problem full stop.

When you take on stepchildren - you take on a level of responsibility for them too, I don’t think it was unreasonable for her to ask, she was clearly in a tight spot, it wasn’t unreasonable for you to decline under the circumstances if you feel poorly but if you wedge an issue here about where your sense of responsibility lies if you can pick up your child while ill but not a stepchild.

Fair enough mum can ask but the responsibility is ultimately with the child's parents. Her attitude when OP declined though absolutely stinks.