Enemy number 1 because I wouldn't collect sick SC

[Kikkkkk]

I'm just recovering from being really unwell with a horrid virus (not Covid). I'm exhausted and have spent much of this week in bed with headaches, chills, aching and sore and swollen throat. Today is the first day I've felt able to move about a bit better but still knackered. I also have a year old son and stay home part time with him, I work 2 days a week but have been off sick. My son goes to nursery on those two days and has been with my parents for some of the week too (including this week) so I could rest during the day and today finally sort some bits of housework too.

I got a call earlier this afternoon from my step sons mother asking if I would be able to collect him from school as they've called to say he's not feeling well and she's at work. My husband is at work too but can't always have his phone on him so she'd not been able to get hold of him yet.

I said no because I was unwell and she'd have to collect him herself or try DH again. She put the phone down and I assume went to get him herself.

I had a text a couple of hours later basically saying it was disappointing I wouldn't help, she's really stressed with work and can't easily take the time out of the day blah blah.

It's not the first time she's treated me (due to the fact I work part time I assume) like her childcare.

Was I really being unreasonable?! Like sort it out between yourselves ffs, I'm knackered, unwell and I have to go and sort my own son out shortly, I'm usually quite understanding but I feel that crap that frankly I really don't give a shit about her work.

Amazing how RP are expected to be at home, crying for their kids when they are with their dad, have no life and available to keep them whenever it might suit the ex and SM.

THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE WITH HER. Don't make it out like this is some woman who's had to come to the rescue for her children on their fathers contact time. They were supposed to be with her yesterday. It was her time. Of course she can make plans, go away with her partner, do things that don't involve sitting at home crying for her kids and being at mine and DHs beck and call. But this was HER time. And trust me, we and I have helped plenty during it in the past but there are going to be times when it doesn't suit, like yesterday.

And yes, if she was unwell I'd totally expect it to be on DH to look after the kids, not her partner. 100%, they are his kids.

For a bit of background, this is the woman who asked me if I could watch the DC whilst she "nipped" out for lunch for an hour with friends (on her day) and then left them with me, not answering her phone until 7pm making it impossible for me to go anywhere or do anything and not knowing what was going on.

She is a downright user and as I've said repeatedly thinks that me being a PT SAHM to my own son should benefit her and hers. And she can fuck off with that quite frankly. I didn't make this decision to benefit this woman or to make her work life easier. I've done plenty for her in the past but I'm at the point of not jumping up when I'm ill to do what she should be doing because she doesn't want to have it affect her at all.

And, OP, I wouldn't be doing any further favours. The ones you have done, haven't achieved anything other than her now thinking she can take the piss out of you, to the extent that she'll hang the phone up on you if you have the audacity to be too ill to pander to her.

From now on. Nothing.

When parents have split up and have shared care of their child, the parent who’s contact time it is, is responsible for the child. If they are indisposed, they can offer first refusal to the other parent but if the other parent cannot take care of the child, the parent who’s turn it is needs to ensure there are adequate arrangements in place. That would be for emergencies too.

The step parent is in no way, shape or form responsible for the SC. They may happily do massive favours for the parents but it’s favours, not a right because they’re in a relationship with the child’s parent.

Why is this so difficult to grasp? Or such a terrible thing?

The child is loved and has two parents to care for them. Why are two grown adults utterly incapable for putting contingency plans in place when a stepmother is in the picture?

I spent years as a single parent and didn’t have to demand friends had to collect and care for my DC.

@Glitterygreen

Amazing how RP are expected to be at home, crying for their kids when they are with their dad, have no life and available to keep them whenever it might suit the ex and SM.

How come OP is expected to pick the child up on mum's time then? It's not even dad's responsibility to pick him up on that day, let alone OP's, by your logic.

I’m going to hazard a guess that the unspoken assumption is that old MN classic that contact is the mother’s well earned time to do what she wants.

But the ex is useless and lazy (and his partner evil) if he considers his non-contact time in the same way.

My DP's ex is so odd and I never got to grips with her. The kids were chucked out at random weekdays and every weekend, not allowed back until the next day when they got the all clear. This goes on to this day and they are now 3 large adult males paying her keep. I should have been so much firmer. She could only behave like it because I enabled it in a way. OP is doing great standing her ground.

How could @vivainsomnia have read this thread and still missed that it was not the dads contact time? It was the mums contact time. The rp is expected to do the parenting on her contact time, not all the time like in your made up example to prove step mums are bad.

How come OP is expected to pick the child up on mum's time then? It's not even dad's responsibility to pick him up on that day, let alone OP's, by your logic.
My logic is that flexibility is a two way street as already stated.

My argument here is that it would appear that a number of SMs think that's it's a surely fine that mum should always have her own kids if dad can't, including her making her own arrangement, asking her partner, mum etc..., but the other way around, well it's her problem too.

In this situation, it was acceptable that dad should help despite not being on his time by default. He wasn't contactable, so OP would have been doing a favour to him if she was capable of doing it.

That would be perfectly reasonable oy of mum, or her partner would be ok to do the sane the other way around, IE. prepared to go and pick up her child when child is with his dad but he is unwell, stepmum is working, and therefore they ask her if they can have him.

My argument here is that it would appear that a number of SMs think that's it's a surely fine that mum should always have her own kids if dad can't, including her making her own arrangement, asking her partner, mum etc..., but the other way around, well it's her problem too.

Nobody's saying that. Of course partners and mums etc on either side can be asked, but they can say no and it is inappropriate to chew them out if they do.

If either parent genuinely cannot have them, rather than it just being inconvenient for them, then it falls to the other parent.

You’ve missed the point @vivainsomnia.

It’s that the only people who are responsible for this are the child’s parents. Not the SM.

In your example, it doesn’t matter that she’s working and the father is ill. She could be doing anything or nothing and it would still be none of the mother’s business.

The father can’t have them. He doesn’t have childcare. So the mother will just have to have them. Joint and several liability that applies only to the parents.

Her partner might not be pleased that his wife isn’t willing to help him out (or, he might have conducted his parenting in such a way that she’s not willing to do so, and that’s his own bloody fault). But it’s not any of the SC’s mother’s business. All that matters for her purposes is that the father is unable to have the child. So the mother will just have to do it.

You don’t seem to appreciate that many of us saying this are mothers who end up with the shitty end of this particular stick regularly. It’s just parenthood.

My argument here is that it would appear that a number of SMs think that's it's a surely fine that mum should always have her own kids if dad can't, including her making her own arrangement, asking her partner, mum etc..., but the other way around, well it's her problem too*

Nobody has said this, it's not even relevant to this thread.

I don't understand how you've concluded that a mum picking her own child up AND on a day when he's due to be with her us doing the dad a favour so OP should have done it? He wasn't even in the picture, he hadn't been contactable so the options were only mum and OP. OP I'd unwell and unable, so mum has to do it.

I agree that flexibility is good and helpful all round but it is NOT 'flexibility' to send shitty messages to someone because they're too sick to pick your child up for you!!

I honestly can't understand how your defending the mum here at all, her attitude has been appalling.

My argument here is that it would appear that a number of SMs think that's it's a surely fine that mum should always have her own kids if dad can't, including her making her own arrangement, asking her partner, mum etc..., but the other way around, well it's her problem too.

As others have said, that’s not what is being said. Not very many people would agree that a mum should do everything. Dads should take responsibility for their children.

This thread is about a mum asking/demanding a stepmum for help on her time because she sees the stepmum as an extension of the father.
Whatever she can ask of the father, she can ask of the stepmum and all that.
There is nothing wrong with asking the father to pick his child up, but if he’s unreachable or if it’s not convenient for him on mum’s time then it should be left at that. But what she’s done is then ask the stepmum which to me crosses a line.
That works both ways if that father asks the mum. If it’s the dad’s time then the mum doesn’t have to help, but you seem to think everyone thinks she should.

Out of interest, what would you say if the father:

1. even thought to contact the stepdad for help on his time to have his child
2. was rude to him if the stepdad said no?

@funinthesun19 I'm still waiting for someone who thinks the SM is wrong to answer your question...

This thread is about a mum asking/demanding a stepmum for help on her time because she sees the stepmum as an extension of the father

I agree completely! As far as the mum/step mum relationship goes usually they are strangers. My partner wouldn’t ring a random person his ex knows as they know her and therefore have a responsibility!