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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Enemy number 1 because I wouldn't collect sick SC

363 replies

Kikkkkk · 06/01/2022 15:27

I'm just recovering from being really unwell with a horrid virus (not Covid). I'm exhausted and have spent much of this week in bed with headaches, chills, aching and sore and swollen throat. Today is the first day I've felt able to move about a bit better but still knackered. I also have a year old son and stay home part time with him, I work 2 days a week but have been off sick. My son goes to nursery on those two days and has been with my parents for some of the week too (including this week) so I could rest during the day and today finally sort some bits of housework too.

I got a call earlier this afternoon from my step sons mother asking if I would be able to collect him from school as they've called to say he's not feeling well and she's at work. My husband is at work too but can't always have his phone on him so she'd not been able to get hold of him yet.

I said no because I was unwell and she'd have to collect him herself or try DH again. She put the phone down and I assume went to get him herself.

I had a text a couple of hours later basically saying it was disappointing I wouldn't help, she's really stressed with work and can't easily take the time out of the day blah blah.

It's not the first time she's treated me (due to the fact I work part time I assume) like her childcare.

Was I really being unreasonable?! Like sort it out between yourselves ffs, I'm knackered, unwell and I have to go and sort my own son out shortly, I'm usually quite understanding but I feel that crap that frankly I really don't give a shit about her work.

OP posts:
Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 06/01/2022 17:33

The message about her being disappointed in you sounds like she sees you as staff!!

Glitterygreen · 06/01/2022 17:33

@funinthesun19

It’s an unequal set up and tbh in your husband’s position I would be reviewing whether your working pt even works for the family if you aren’t prepared to pick up his child when he’s sick on your off days.

If it’s unequal in that the ex gets less out of it, that’s not the OP’s problem.
The husband would be a controlling arse and would be cutting his nose off to spite his face if he started causing a fuss.

Also OP is unwell?!?!!!!

I assume, given the ex has her number, that normally they get on fine and the line of communication is there for a reason - ie, OP sometimes helps out.

She is allowed to be ill and say no. FFS, being a stepparent doesn't mean that even when you're ill you have to bend over backwards to neither parent has to handle and issue with their own child!

Parents who are together just have to handle it don't they? One of them leaves work, or they call a grandparent/friend and ask for help. If they can't help, then a parent has to sort it, or the child stays at school. Not sure why split parents are entitled to more than that.

Original poster
Kikkkkk · 06/01/2022 17:34

@Ozanj

You can work p/t because your DH facilitates it by, presumably, not having his son living with him permanently or only EOW. The child’s mum doesn’t get that luxury I presume.
He lives here 50% of the time actually. Me working PT has nothing to do with my step son or his contact arrangement thanks.
OP posts:
Original poster
Kikkkkk · 06/01/2022 17:36

It’s an unequal set up

I'm under no obligation to make my set up equal to my husband's ex wife Confused

OP posts:
KalvinPhillipsManBun · 06/01/2022 17:36

@RedWingBoots

Block her on your phone and all other forms of contact.

Then tell your DH that his child's mother is to not contact you again in anyway. Make it clear that from today all contact/communication about his child from her needs to go directly to him.

As a PP said she is very entitled. The only way to show her that her behaviour is not on is to have no communication and as little contact as possible with her.

When I was a child the few times my SM looked after me my mother was extremely grateful and made me fully aware that I should be the same as it wasn't my SM role to look after me. There as if someone who was a blood relation e.g. cousin, half-sibling looked after me my mother did not show that gratitude.

And their is a child stuck in the middle of this, how nasty of you both
KiloWhat · 06/01/2022 17:37

@Kikkkkk

It’s an unequal set up

I'm under no obligation to make my set up equal to my husband's ex wife Confused

Yes that is a ridiculous suggestion.
Original poster
Kikkkkk · 06/01/2022 17:37

And she actually was a SAHM when their son was a toddler. She went back to work when he started school after re training at university to do the job she wanted to do.

OP posts:
Watapalava · 06/01/2022 17:37

I actually think it was quite mean

He lives with you half the week

Of course he’s part of your family and you take on responsibility too! I grew up in a step family and know loads and don’t know anyone with the attitudes in reading on here - so sad if it’s ‘he’s not my child’ attitude.

KiloWhat · 06/01/2022 17:38

And their is a child stuck in the middle of this, how nasty of you both there is no middle. There is a child. It has two parents both responsible for looking after them. OP isn't even in the equation.

Watapalava · 06/01/2022 17:40

But the child lives with op half the week!!!

Some odd people on herr

Glitterygreen · 06/01/2022 17:40

@Ozanj

You can work p/t because your DH facilitates it by, presumably, not having his son living with him permanently or only EOW. The child’s mum doesn’t get that luxury I presume.
It's so boring when people trot out this line, like DH is doing the OP a massive favour while she's the one who's curtailed her own career and earning potential, and does the bulk of care for their child.

People don't see it as a favour or 'facilitating' when it's discussed on other boards outside of the context of step-parenting. Women are warned that they're making themselves vulnerable (both financially and in terms of career potential) and that the man should still be doing his fare share around the house and with the kids, he doesn't earn the right not to just by working full-time.

But yet when it comes to step-parents, OP is expected to be so grateful and jump to attention because it's better for her SC's mum if she does????

It is not OP's probably to compensate for the fact that her partner and his ex split up and therefore the ex doesn't have him there to financially allow her to work part-time.

GrandmasCat · 06/01/2022 17:40

That’s the end of special favours, if she doesn’t understand that what you do for her kid is OPTIONAL.

Next time just say you are not able to help (if you are not able to) ask her to ring her partner or someone in her own family.

Glitterygreen · 06/01/2022 17:41

*OP's problem

KalvinPhillipsManBun · 06/01/2022 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Glitterygreen · 06/01/2022 17:43

@Watapalava

I actually think it was quite mean

He lives with you half the week

Of course he’s part of your family and you take on responsibility too! I grew up in a step family and know loads and don’t know anyone with the attitudes in reading on here - so sad if it’s ‘he’s not my child’ attitude.

But why is OP having to go and get him and then look after him all afternoon while she's unwell preferable to mum or dad having to leave work early?

OP is not the only option, she's just the most convenient option for everyone else.

Glitterygreen · 06/01/2022 17:45

@KalvinPhillipsManBun

Wow what a nasty bunch you are, none of you are thinking about the poor child, bet dad will not be happy knowing his wife puts her own needs before his sons who is a child ffs!!
Maybe he won't be happy with the child's actual mum bollocking his sick wife instead of leaving work to collect her child?
lisaandalan · 06/01/2022 17:47

Text her back and say and I am disappointed too that I am very Ill but I'm being treated like enemy number one because I am too Ill to look after my own son or yours, I'm also disappointed that your work is more important, but that's not really my business the same as it's not really your business what I am doing. X

bongobingo43 · 06/01/2022 17:47

This is what pisses me off. It's not the first time I feel she has expected her life to be easier because I'm at home (a decision I made for my son not her).

But I assume your partner financially supports you to enable you to only work 2 days? If that's the case I'd have collected his son for him

Original poster
Kikkkkk · 06/01/2022 17:48

@KalvinPhillipsManBun

Wow what a nasty bunch you are, none of you are thinking about the poor child, bet dad will not be happy knowing his wife puts her own needs before his sons who is a child ffs!!
My husband has apologised that I had to deal with that whilst unwell actually. He does not think it's my responsibility at all whilst I've been so poorly especially.

She works closer to the school than we live. He wasn't sat there for hours for goodness sake.

OP posts:
Hesma · 06/01/2022 17:52

Not your kid, not you problem if your poorly. She’s a CF.

GrandmasCat · 06/01/2022 17:53

@KalvinPhillipsManBun

Wow what a nasty bunch you are, none of you are thinking about the poor child, bet dad will not be happy knowing his wife puts her own needs before his sons who is a child ffs!!
Honestly, if you are sick you are sick and not good for the kid to be around you if you can pass a nasty bug.

That poor child has his own mum who doesn’t want to take time off work and prefers to shove the kid to a person who can pass him a bad virus. She cannot shove her responsibilities on a stepmum who is not able to help her on this occasion abd have a strop when the help is not available.

lunar1 · 06/01/2022 17:53

You aren't being unreasonable at all.

I do wonder what provision your husband makes for emergencies when he's not contactable, he needs some kind of back up in place.

My husband is a surgeon so there are often times he can't be contacted directly. But his phone is always able to be answered by someone else and a message passed through where needed.

Just because his job is important doesn't mean that he can abdicate the responsibility of being a parent, both of us are responsible for our children 100% of time, even if that means arranging alternatives when needed.

CaMePlaitPas · 06/01/2022 17:55

This is why I never answer my phone.

ProcrastinationIsMySuperPower · 06/01/2022 17:57

My DD is older now, but it would never have occurred to me, other than in the most dire emergency I suppose, to ask her SM to collect her from school. YANBU.

PrincessPaws · 06/01/2022 18:00

@KalvinPhillipsManBun

Wow what a nasty bunch you are, none of you are thinking about the poor child, bet dad will not be happy knowing his wife puts her own needs before his sons who is a child ffs!!
Yes, she is a step mother so clearly should put everyone (including DHs ex) above herself. FFS