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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DH upset I left DSC off thank you cards

476 replies

KiloWhat · 05/01/2022 18:16

I did christmas thank you cards from toddler DC and posted them all off to the relatives and now DH is upset that I didn't write the DSC's names on the card. They are both old enough to sort their own thank yous if they wanted to.

I just didn't think to do them from them, just an activity for toddler to do on a cold wet day! Is that odd?

I don't really know why I'm posting. I guess I'm a bit fed up of doing a nice thing with DC and then it becoming a 'big deal' because I've not included DSC.

Basically he's too lazy to try and organise it himself I reckon!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Hyppogriff · 05/01/2022 20:50

Like you said - you didn’t think - did an unkind thoughtless thing and trying to justify it rather than acknowledge it. Poor step children . Yabu

Runnerduck34 · 05/01/2022 20:53

I think it would have been nice to add doc names if person you're thanking gave gifts to all dc .
You're a family and as PP said a team so it seems a bit divisive. Having said that has DH ever organised thank you cards?? Next year leave it all to him, he's the father of all the DC after all.

Original poster

KiloWhat · 05/01/2022 20:54

And maybe that you were making some weird point scoring against your other half too.

Wow.

I'm pretty sure grandma is just going to think "aw how cute" rather than assume I'm playing mind games with my husband. Are families usually so judgey and presumptious? Do they always think the worst and read deep meaning into everything.

OP posts:

Livelovebehappy · 05/01/2022 20:54

YABU. Petty and unnecessary. But I think you probably know that....

Original poster

KiloWhat · 05/01/2022 20:55

@Hyppogriff

Like you said - you didn’t think - did an unkind thoughtless thing and trying to justify it rather than acknowledge it. Poor step children . Yabu

The step children are fine. It wasn't unkind. I am not being unreasonable.

OP posts:

Original poster

KiloWhat · 05/01/2022 20:55

@Livelovebehappy

YABU. Petty and unnecessary. But I think you probably know that....

IT WASN'T DELIBERATE

OP posts:

Original poster

KiloWhat · 05/01/2022 20:56

This place is brutal

OP posts:

RedWingBoots · 05/01/2022 20:57

I am amazed so many step parents think I've got it so wrong!

Most people answering you aren't step-parents.

There is a problem on MN were the first children are seen as those from the golden uterus so anything a step-mother does for her own child is automatically wrong.

2022success · 05/01/2022 20:57

@Justmuddlingalong

That's his or his ex's job.

Exactly this! It's fuck all to do with you...

RedWingBoots · 05/01/2022 20:59

@KiloWhat

And maybe that you were making some weird point scoring against your other half too.

Wow.

No.

Why as an aunt or adult family friend would I want to receive a thank you card from a child who can write and speak from their parent or step-parent? Next year I wouldn't send the child a present.

C8H10N4O2 · 05/01/2022 21:00

We always sent individual thank you messages, my kids growing up sent individual messages, the thank you messages we receive from other children are always from individuals.

I've never come across "group" thank-you notes plainly written by parents but signed from DC old enough to do their own note. If the children are too young to scribble a bit of wax crayon its the parents who send the thank you message for the child's gift in their own name.

DSC have two parents to help them/prompt them/chase them into thanking family for gifts. DH needs to get his act together, possibly their DM does as well. As an SM here, you cannot win whatever you do.

DysmalRadius · 05/01/2022 21:01

Did you send cards that self desctruct to the extent that the recipient will not be able to receive any mail afterwards? Because unless you did, I can't even see why this is an issue?! He wants his kids to send cards, so they can send them - anyone who judges the children based on the order in which their thank-you cards arrive is a dick who doesn't deserve to be thanked (and presumably on your husband's side of the family if it is genetic to get in an unnecessary snit about the postal arrangements of a bunch of kids who don't live together and therefore are unlikely to be doing every activity together!).

Teenagehorrorbag · 05/01/2022 21:02

They would have had different presents. How can one letter thank someone for all of them, unless terribly generic and meaningless? Of course the older DSCs should write their own!

When my DTs were very young I used to let them do joint letters but they both had to contribute. And it's hard to say 'x loves his lego and y loves her game, thank you love from x and y'. I was glad when they could do their own.

Agree with PPs - get DH or his ex to organise them - not your problem!

fitsandgiggles · 05/01/2022 21:02

I send joint card from my 2 and would probably include any DSC if I had them but I don't think it's worth arguing about

Whereohwhereohwhere · 05/01/2022 21:02

I think I'd have just put my DSC's names on anyway but I guess it depends on your own family dynamic.

Original poster

KiloWhat · 05/01/2022 21:03

@DysmalRadius yes! Exactly he can just chuck the DSC's letters in the post. They really won't mind.

OP posts:

MojoJojo71 · 05/01/2022 21:05

I think I’m with him on this one. From what you said in your later post this is obviously part of a bigger picture but I think if there are three children in the family then it is a bit strange to send a card from only one of them.

Why2why · 05/01/2022 21:05

@Runnerduck34

I think it would have been nice to add doc names if person you're thanking gave gifts to all dc . You're a family and as PP said a team so it seems a bit divisive. Having said that has DH ever organised thank you cards?? Next year leave it all to him, he's the father of all the DC after all.

As a team, my DH and I divide and conquer. It’s perfectly reasonable for one person to have thank-you-card responsibilities and the other some other responsibilities. It would be odd team work if people were duplicating what each other does.

rubyglitter · 05/01/2022 21:05

@KiloWhat how old are the SC? Did you ask them if they wanted to write some thank you cards? They might’ve felt happy to be included, but also independent enough to write theirs separately. Why can’t they use your blank cards? You sound petty. If you didn’t want SC then you should have sought out a childless man.

C8H10N4O2 · 05/01/2022 21:06

[quote rubyglitter]@KiloWhat how old are the SC? Did you ask them if they wanted to write some thank you cards? They might’ve felt happy to be included, but also independent enough to write theirs separately. Why can’t they use your blank cards? You sound petty. If you didn’t want SC then you should have sought out a childless man.[/quote]
That square of the bingo card was taken upthread.

eveningbubble · 05/01/2022 21:06

Why are you on here?, to preach how righteous you are? Why are you asking. I agree with @TheSnowyOwl a game of total oneupmanship.

rwalker · 05/01/2022 21:06

@AlDanvers

Honestly, if I was already doing a card I would have just put their names on. Seems odd to send 2 from the same family

This

Teenagehorrorbag · 05/01/2022 21:06

And you weren't thoughtless at all! Maybe you might have thought to encourage your DSCs to write theirs if they were with you - but why on earth would you even think about writing their names on your letter?

Thank you letters are pointless unless they come from one child who is engaging with the present-giver to say thanks, and hopefully add a bit of chat. A 'group' thank you would be tacky and mean nothing....

workingtheusername · 05/01/2022 21:06

@KiloWhat

And maybe that you were making some weird point scoring against your other half too.

Wow.

"This place is brutal" Ignore them they ABU 😊

GrapeVineTwine · 05/01/2022 21:08

@WrongWayApricot

I agree you shouldn't have to wait for DSC to come back to do that activity with your toddler. If I was writing the cards with the toddler I'd just add names as needed for the children that weren't about when doing the cards, just because I'm already doing them. It is a bit of a shame that you forgot about the DSC when writing to their paternal grandparents/aunts/uncles from your DC. My family sign cards on my behalf if I'm not in when they're writing them and I do the same for them.

Does that not completely defeat the object? I guess it depends how you think of thank you cards. But to me they are from the child thanking for their specific gift. Not their parent writing it and just signing their name when they aren't even there or aware of the card. What's the point? That's not a thank you from the child. Older children should be at least writing them themselves.

In addition to this, I genuinely wouldn't even be able to tell you what my SC got for Christmas from various aunts and uncles, grandma and grandad etc... to thank them on their behalf. I remember what my son got because I helped him open them and we play lots together during the day. But couldn't tell you which of my SCs present came from who.

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