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Original poster

DH upset I left DSC off thank you cards

476 replies

KiloWhat · 05/01/2022 18:16

I did christmas thank you cards from toddler DC and posted them all off to the relatives and now DH is upset that I didn't write the DSC's names on the card. They are both old enough to sort their own thank yous if they wanted to.

I just didn't think to do them from them, just an activity for toddler to do on a cold wet day! Is that odd?

I don't really know why I'm posting. I guess I'm a bit fed up of doing a nice thing with DC and then it becoming a 'big deal' because I've not included DSC.

Basically he's too lazy to try and organise it himself I reckon!

OP posts:
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Why2why · 05/01/2022 21:09

OP, you clearly don’t care for your step children. What age are they?

I don’t get the vibes that your relationship will stay the course. The step children may not be yours but they are his. If you are building a family unit, then giving little thought or regard to this other kids will lead to a lot of problems between the two of you.

It does not sound like you regard your step kids as part of your family but they are his kids and his family. So the two of you are already at odds and not on the same level as to what your family consists of.

Original poster
KiloWhat · 05/01/2022 21:09

[quote rubyglitter]@KiloWhat how old are the SC? Did you ask them if they wanted to write some thank you cards? They might’ve felt happy to be included, but also independent enough to write theirs separately. Why can’t they use your blank cards? You sound petty. If you didn’t want SC then you should have sought out a childless man.[/quote]
No I did not they are not here.
They are old enough to write them themselves in actual pens not Crayons.

If you didn’t want SC then you should have sought out a childless man.. Is this a joke? I have not once said I didn't want them. I am not trying to make any weird point through sending thank you cards.

It was cold and wet. I thought I know I'll help DC scribble in some thank you cards. There was no malicious intent.

OP posts:
Kshhuxnxk · 05/01/2022 21:09

@KiloWhat

Can I just make it clear that I didn't sit down and make a conscious choice to leave them off. I just didn't even think of them.
Not sure that isn't worse! You were doing it with one child you should have done it with all.
GrapeVineTwine · 05/01/2022 21:10

@jb7445

Tbh if I received a card that had been scribbled on with crayon, clearly by a toddler, I would find it MORE weird to then have it also signed by the other kids 😳. They can do thier thank yous themselves or text or whatever their dad suggests (or they want to do).

I'm not a SM BTW but this thread is nuts.

Agree with this too. If it's been drawn on and scribbled in etc ... It's clearly from the toddler. Weird to just randomly add DSCs names. They should do their own if their parents want them to.
GrapeVineTwine · 05/01/2022 21:11

Not sure that isn't worse! You were doing it with one child you should have done it with all

So anything she does with one child she must do with all? 🤣 Yeah... That's never going to happen.

candlelightsatdawn · 05/01/2022 21:11

@RedWingBoots

I am amazed so many step parents think I've got it so wrong!

Most people answering you aren't step-parents.

There is a problem on MN were the first children are seen as those from the golden uterus so anything a step-mother does for her own child is automatically wrong.

This all of what redwingboots put.

It's because your a evil SM and people have issues with blended families so like to come along and put the boot in.

Probably wouldn't be brave enough to do it in RL though, which is why they take their anger online.

As said don't take to heart !

bongobingo43 · 05/01/2022 21:12

Am I the only one impressed by a toddler writing their own thank you cards as a rainy day activity? Grin

Mellowyellow222 · 05/01/2022 21:12

Wow this took off!

I fit. Think this is a huge deal and can see how it happened If your step kids weren’t home when you did this activity.

If the cards were home made and clearly meant to be from a toddler it would be odd to add the older kids names.

On the other hand I can see it would be odd for your husbands family to send three gifts to his home and only be thanked by one child.

But he needs to parent here - best time he has his children he says your little brother has already done his thank you cards - now your turn. And he does them with his children.

They are his responsibility not yours. The bar is set so low for men

Original poster
KiloWhat · 05/01/2022 21:13

Not sure that isn't worse! You were doing it with one child you should have done it with all.

You want me to make my teen DSC sit there and write thank yous?

OP posts:
Why2why · 05/01/2022 21:14

The card was to the husband’s family. Was it the grandparents or several other family members?

Less waste to send one card.

Why2why · 05/01/2022 21:15

@KiloWhat

Not sure that isn't worse! You were doing it with one child you should have done it with all.

You want me to make my teen DSC sit there and write thank yous?

Teens?

Then your husband is being silly.

C8H10N4O2 · 05/01/2022 21:17

I'm gobsmacked that people really think that the OP making thank you cards with a toddler should phone up the older DSC and their DM to either ask permission to do their thank you cards for them or tell them she was doing the thank you cards (in either case she would be in the wrong for appropriating DM's role), also check they can supply a photograph to put in with the cards.

Where do the DSC even contribute to this? Or the DM or their DF? Why on earth would their step mother be making and writing thank you cards from DSC who are not even in the house? I never wrote my DCs' thank you notes for them once they could write their own. It defeats the whole point of a child's thank you message.

This thread is bonkers

Why2why · 05/01/2022 21:17

@GrapeVineTwine

Not sure that isn't worse! You were doing it with one child you should have done it with all

So anything she does with one child she must do with all? 🤣 Yeah... That's never going to happen.

It’s the comment about not even thinking about them. I too found it to be a bit better f a red flag. The poster was certainly not suggesting that the OP does everything she does with her child with the step kids. That’s a rather extreme interpretation.
Why2why · 05/01/2022 21:17

*A bit of a red flag

Original poster
KiloWhat · 05/01/2022 21:18

@bongobingo43

Am I the only one impressed by a toddler writing their own thank you cards as a rainy day activity? Grin
Ha they didn't "write" them but there is Crayons scribbled on them and I've written Thank you love Little Kilo
OP posts:
Covidtrap · 05/01/2022 21:19

Ive never head of sending out thank you cards for christmas. Its a cute idea though. In my opinion if the people you sent the cards to also got DSC presents then i would of included them even though they didnt draw or design the cards its just nice sort of represents family. If they didnt get dsc presents though i may not have as then they might be thinking should we of gotten then gifts to? As you say you just didnt think too much into it at the time it was just an activity you where trying to do with dc. Perhaps just say to your husband in hindsight you understand his point of view too

GrapeVineTwine · 05/01/2022 21:22

Honestly, if I was already doing a card I would have just put their names on. Seems odd to send 2 from the same family

It's really not odd though is it. I would assume that thank you cards would come from the individual recipient of the gift, not just a whole family thank you. Lots of other people seem to think of them the same way too and have said their full sibling children individually do this. It's not really a thank you if someone else writes it.

It's not odd in the slightest to receive more than one thank you card from various children in a family. It literally isn't odd, in fact it appears to be quite normal.

WotgunShedding · 05/01/2022 21:22

I think you’ve been unfairly criticised and I’m not sure I understand why. Thank you cards have been from individual children in my (limited) experience so I wouldn’t have expected you to account for SDC when making some with your toddler.

Original poster
KiloWhat · 05/01/2022 21:22

@candlelightsatdawn @RedWingBoots thank you. There has been some support and understanding here and even some of the people who've said I perhaps need to let this be DH's job next year I see your points.

To the people speculating that our marriage won't last maybe it will, maybe it won't. I imagine many 2nd marriages fail possibly due to unrealistic expectations of what a stepparent should do on the part of one party or the other

OP posts:
Pearl97 · 05/01/2022 21:22

@KiloWhat people on here need to think before they write. Your husband is being an idiot, you’ve done something lovely with your child and that is it. Nothing else needs discussing, it’s not for anyone else to comment. Well done for doing something so kind, I think thanking people is a lovely thing to do.

Original poster
KiloWhat · 05/01/2022 21:25

[quote Pearl97]@KiloWhat people on here need to think before they write. Your husband is being an idiot, you’ve done something lovely with your child and that is it. Nothing else needs discussing, it’s not for anyone else to comment. Well done for doing something so kind, I think thanking people is a lovely thing to do.[/quote]
Thank you.

It has made me see that perhaps DH's reaction wasn't as extreme as it could have been to be honest!

OP posts:
GrapeVineTwine · 05/01/2022 21:25

The poster was certainly not suggesting that the OP does everything she does with her child with the step kids. That’s a rather extreme interpretation.

Wasn't she? Where do you draw the line then of "you must do it with all" or "it's fine to do with just your toddler"? She didn't clarify.

And what is weird about not always thinking about your SC whenever you do things? I think in the main about my own child. My SC rarely enter my head unless they are with us at the time to be perfectly honest. I don't think I'm unusual in that either.

bongobingo43 · 05/01/2022 21:26

Tbh I get that done siblings do their own so it's more personal and teaches them manners snd to make an effort etc.

However, my sister and i used to write a note each and put them in the same envelope, or do a joint card and each write a personal message.

The bit that's a bit strange for me is sending 2 (or 3) letters/cards to the one recipient from the one family. Seems a bit decisive to me....
Also, doing your own DC's and not even knowing if dsc were doing one or when smacks a bit of one upmanship - "ooh look good my toddler is and his older siblings have made zero effort"

I get it's your DHs responsibility to encourage his children but if you see yourself as a family unit then this seems a bit disjointed

jb7445 · 05/01/2022 21:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

GrapeVineTwine · 05/01/2022 21:30

Also, doing your own DC's and not even knowing if dsc were doing one or when smacks a bit of one upmanship - "ooh look good my toddler is and his older siblings have made zero effort"

I think most people don't care enough to even think this way to be honest.

It's more likely, surely, that it was just something to pass the time with and keep quiet for a bit a bored toddler rather than a calculated "oooh I'm going to do thank you cards so my toddler looks better than their siblings MWAHAHAHAHAHA"

Seriously who thinks SMs sit there thinking like that? Who thinks we care that much ffs.