DH upset I left DSC off thank you cards

[KiloWhat]

I did christmas thank you cards from toddler DC and posted them all off to the relatives and now DH is upset that I didn't write the DSC's names on the card. They are both old enough to sort their own thank yous if they wanted to.

I just didn't think to do them from them, just an activity for toddler to do on a cold wet day! Is that odd?

I don't really know why I'm posting. I guess I'm a bit fed up of doing a nice thing with DC and then it becoming a 'big deal' because I've not included DSC.

Basically he's too lazy to try and organise it himself I reckon!

@candlelightsatdawn I don't think she should've done it on their behalf just offered the opportunity for them to get involved on their own at a later point as in the examples I gave. I'm not a step mum and very consciously decided not to get into a relationship with anyone who already had children, mainly because I saw a friend meet and move in with someone who has a child who she doted on, after time the relationship ended and she no longer has that child in her life nor does he have her and it was very traumatic.
My mum has a step mum and two step siblings as well as two biological siblings, and they were all treated the same. They are still very close and have good sibling relationships, my cousins are all my cousins I don't even consider of their payment is my mum's full or step sibling. My closest grandparent has always been my mum's step mother, she's my gran she treats all of the grandchildren the same regardless of whether we are biologically related. So I'm very used to step family and in ours everyone just treats each other with kindness. The last Christmas they were all alive we had my maternal grandmother and grandfather with their respective second spouses sat at the same Christmas dinner table all getting along like sensible adults, who all love the same children, grandchildren, great children. It's a really nice thing to have.

@Snoken

I haven’t read the full thread, but I think doing two separate cards where one is from just you son and one from their siblings is a little off. It just emphasises that they are not full siblings, and it might make your child feel excluded in the long run. Once you have created a bended family, you have just fully bend. Doesn’t mean it’s all on you though, your DH should do at least half, if not more, to integrated all his children.

I have to disagree, my DC always wrote individual cards, because they received individual presents. These days, they can presumably text. I read a tip on here a while back by a poster who kept her DC's drawings to use as cards at a later date - what a great idea. You could even make a stock specifically as a craft project on a wet afternoon. Not really the point, I know, but DH or his ex should be responsible for their own DC, unless you are trying to keep the present givers onside.

or left the cards unsent and tell DH to get them to write their letters and you would pop them in the cards so all DC was in one envelope. Possibly with a nice photo of all DC together.

@JurgensCakeBabyJesus if you're not a stepmum then wtf are you doing on this thread? Genuine question. You have no life experience in this area. It's like trying to teach someone to drive when you can't drive yourself.

@WrongWayApricot

I agree you shouldn't have to wait for DSC to come back to do that activity with your toddler. If I was writing the cards with the toddler I'd just add names as needed for the children that weren't about when doing the cards, just because I'm already doing them. It is a bit of a shame that you forgot about the DSC when writing to their paternal grandparents/aunts/uncles from your DC. My family sign cards on my behalf if I'm not in when they're writing them and I do the same for them.

That's completely wrong.

The older children can write so they need to write their names in their in own individual cards or write their own individual thank you notes otherwise the exercise is pointless.

I've been thanked for gifts at different times in different ways by children who are full siblings.

The point is for the individual child to show their appreciation for the gift you gave them not any parent or adult.

@jb7445

Tbh if I received a card that had been scribbled on with crayon, clearly by a toddler, I would find it MORE weird to then have it also signed by the other kids 😳. They can do thier thank yous themselves or text or whatever their dad suggests (or they want to do).

I'm not a SM BTW but this thread is nuts.

It wouldn't even be signed BY them. The expectation seems to be that I should have written their names in!

Ugh, I've had this for years, OP. DSC would never write thank you cards no matter how many times they were asked. Once my DC arrived I would send them from all of them to keep the peace. Now my DC write their own from themselves only, and DH moans that this makes his DC look bad... err yes!

Stick to your guns, this is a DH/DSC problem, not yours.

If I was writing the cards with the toddler I'd just add names as needed for the children that weren't about when doing the cards

What's the point of doing that? The whole point of Thank You cards or letters is that the thanks actually come from the child, to show their appreciation of the gift. If the child isn't there and doesn't even know the card has been sent, where's the appreciation?

@St0rmTr00per

or left the cards unsent and tell DH to get them to write their letters and you would pop them in the cards so all DC was in one envelope. Possibly with a nice photo of all DC together.

Right.. so now I need to arrange a photo too?!

@KiloWhat Wow, the more you post the more I’m cringing!

If a man was talking about his stepchildren being totally separate from his child and duties not being his place he would get a pounding on here!

OP, I don't envy you the SM gig.

You are doing absolutely the right thing, instilling good manners into your (note: your!) toddler. The stepchildren's manners, or lack of them, are not your responsibility. Their father should stand over them and supervise the wretched-but-necessary thank you letters, if he thinks they matter. Or their mother should. Anyone but you!

I have always insisted that my DC each write letters, btw. It's polite. A generic thank-you signed by them all doesn't cut the mustard.

@TicTacHoh

Ugh, I've had this for years, OP. DSC would never write thank you cards no matter how many times they were asked. Once my DC arrived I would send them from all of them to keep the peace. Now my DC write their own from themselves only, and DH moans that this makes his DC look bad... err yes!

Stick to your guns, this is a DH/DSC problem, not yours.

Thanks. I will. We could have years of this!

I think it's a lovely activity with your lo. Your oh is over reacting. I could understand if you had signed your names too but not if they are just from lo. If other children want to make cards they can surely? Why would you put their names on something they didn't make?

[quote 2pinkginsplease]@KiloWhat Wow, the more you post the more I’m cringing!

If a man was talking about his stepchildren being totally separate from his child and duties not being his place he would get a pounding on here![/quote]
Cringe away.

I have never said they are totally seperate.
I have just said we don't do blended so smooth you can't see the seams. The seams are important they make who the kids are. I wouldn't dare act like their mother as I am not their mother.

I am amazed so many step parents think I've got it so wrong!

If a man was talking about his stepchildren being totally separate from his child and duties not being his place he would get a pounding on here!

Are you purposely missing the point? The kids in question here all belong to the father. So he is responsible for them all. The OP has one child. Two of the kids have a mother, who is not the OP.

@tiredofthisshit21 did you get bored before the end of my post? I come from an extended step family, I have step aunts, unless, grandparents, cousins. My husband has a stepfather Therefore my son has a step grandfather. I've been on the receiving end, but actually when I posted it was in active and I didn't notice it was in the step parenting section. Your argument also makes no sense, people cannot have an opinion unless they have exact direct experience of the same scenario. Have you not been on MN long? Wouldn't that theory discount anyone who isn't a mother from most of the site? It doesn't and it shouldn't.

Not gonna lie I did get bored....but you're still not a stepmum are you.

@DameAlyson

If I was writing the cards with the toddler I'd just add names as needed for the children that weren't about when doing the cards

What's the point of doing that? The whole point of Thank You cards or letters is that the thanks actually come from the child, to show their appreciation of the gift. If the child isn't there and doesn't even know the card has been sent, where's the appreciation?

Because that's how we've always done cards in my family 🤷‍♀️ if someone's not in we still sign their name or remind them when they come home, whatever the card is. I still wish someone a happy birthday even if I didn't sign it myself. I still am grateful for a gift even if I didn't sign the thank you card myself. If it's a thank you letter that's obviously different. But a thank you card decorated by a toddler can be signed by all the family or all the children, with a simple 'we've all enjoyed our gifts so much this year, thank you very much, love from...'

@tiredofthisshit21 I had the most fucking VILE sm I could imagine (combined with a spineless df who couldn’t/wouldn’t stand up to her) so yes, I spent a lot of time , particularly when DSC were younger thinking about how to include them/not make them feel excluded. No medals required thanks, it just basic human decency. I was their fathers choice, but THEY didn’t choose me.

As someone who was in a step parent relationship once little things can be a big deal when it comes to children / being treated fairly etc. I’m happy single now as I wouldn’t want my kids in another step parent family as I found it so hard second guessing everything and I’d have probably been upset by this if my ex had done cards from his children only and not included my child’s name. It does hurt, I guess if you’ve never been there you don’t underhand how small things can hurt but I can get where he’s coming from. I’d put it firmly on his to do list next year

@jb7445

Tbh if I received a card that had been scribbled on with crayon, clearly by a toddler, I would find it MORE weird to then have it also signed by the other kids 😳. They can do thier thank yous themselves or text or whatever their dad suggests (or they want to do).

I'm not a SM BTW but this thread is nuts.

Stop being sensible.

You know when you post here you must state what the step-mother is doing wrong.

Trying to imagine a scenario in which a stepdad did thank you cards with his youngest child and anyone did anything other than marvel at his brilliance. They would be highly unlikely to be saying 'that's all very well but why didn't you make sure your step children were included?' The bar really is set very differently.

I don't think it's right to teach the kids that it doesn't matter if they make the effort to thank someone or not as someone else will do it.

I'm the first to be cross about "wifework" and enabling useless men.

However, I'd be a bit at getting a card from one toddler in the family (clearly written by mum) which wasn't signed by anyone else, especially if I was in your husbands family.

It would make me feel that you weren't really united and were leading two separate family lives (which you are of course so perhaps there's nothing wrong there!) - but it would feel odd. And maybe that you were making some weird point scoring against your other half too.

I'm not surprised it's upset your husband, it just doesn't feel thoughtful.

@Darbs76 as a former SC you are projecting.