DH upset I left DSC off thank you cards

[KiloWhat]

I did christmas thank you cards from toddler DC and posted them all off to the relatives and now DH is upset that I didn't write the DSC's names on the card. They are both old enough to sort their own thank yous if they wanted to.

I just didn't think to do them from them, just an activity for toddler to do on a cold wet day! Is that odd?

I don't really know why I'm posting. I guess I'm a bit fed up of doing a nice thing with DC and then it becoming a 'big deal' because I've not included DSC.

Basically he's too lazy to try and organise it himself I reckon!

@HappyToSmile

Surely each child write his/her own thank you letter? That's what we dod when we were little. My sister would write one to Aunt Jane for her toy and I would write one to Aunt Jane for her toy. I therefore don't think you were being unreasonable at all!

Yes and I expect Aunt Jane didn't mind if she got yours a week before your sister.

I really don't understand this divisiveness. When you marry and have children with someone who has their own children, you become a blended family, it isn't a point scoring exercise, you don't keep and treat the children separately. If you were doing them with toddler, or would've taken nothing to even tell him in case he wanted to include the children or even say to them yourself DC and I made them you cards, we haven't posted them yet if you want to do some here are the craft things, they can go in the same envelope or would you like to write your thank you messages in the cards we did. It really costs nothing to be considerate. It's already hard for children shuttling between two homes, think about them first rather than proving a point to your partner who you don't seem to like much.

@KiloWhat….it’s his job to think of them??? As a SM myself I would never, ever think that. They might be HIS children but I still consider them in everything I/we do. They’re children!!!

Sending thank you cards wouldn't even have crossed his mind if you hadn't sent some with your toddler.

If his older children have never sent thank you's before, his family probably aren't expecting any now.

If he does decide it's now suddenly a crucial activity leave him to get on with it. Don't let him rope you in the second he gets bored.

[quote Buildingthefuture]@KiloWhat….it’s his job to think of them??? As a SM myself I would never, ever think that. They might be HIS children but I still consider them in everything I/we do. They’re children!!![/quote]
Good for you. Have a medal for being stepmum of the year. 🏅

[quote Buildingthefuture]@KiloWhat….it’s his job to think of them??? As a SM myself I would never, ever think that. They might be HIS children but I still consider them in everything I/we do. They’re children!!![/quote]
Everything? Every single thing? I am genuinely asking I promise.

Like oh what shall we have for dinner tonight? Sheppards Pie? Best not as that's DSC's favourite so let's save it for the weekend?

They don't cross my mind at all in the tiny day to day activities. When it comes to things like activities I do think of them or family things. But if I'm doing something to entertain DC I don't think "oh would DSC like to make playdough worms at the weekend". I don't have brain space.

@PleasantBirthday if you want more than 3 cards buying a pack works out cheaper.

I took the number I wanted and gave him the rest.

Have a medal for being stepmum of the year. 🏅 I think I am slowly moving down the rankings. We have a great time when they are here I promise!

@SparklingXmas

YABU Poor kids and shame that you didn’t think to do a joint thankyou card. They are part of the family and for me that means doing things that are inclusive- otherwise you will set up problems for when they are older, bitterness and resentment.

Men don’t always think about these things- that’s the reality. Kids are always stuck in the middle and used as a ball to bat around. If your DH was upset the tension over this will rub off on all the kids in the house- happens all the time. I think you get the gist. But I totally understand you clinging onto posts that agree with you- it’s human nature.

Ahhh yes us women just enjoy admin better because we are better at it.

Not because actually men find it easier to pass on the boring stuff to the women in their lives.

Maddeningly enough women also perpetuate this stereotype but saying that's ok love. I have a vagina I will do it, you couldn't possibly manage it because you have a penis. I hope my DS doesn't grow up to be one of these men who thinks he doesn't have to do something because of his gender.

And yet those people think they have the advantage against these "poor" blokes in their lives and the men have to do less work.

She posted for support. She didn't say hey come judge me and act like my step children are being abused over a CHRISTMAS CARD.

If they're mainly with their mum wouldn't she get them to write thank yous.

Men don’t always think about these things- that’s the reality. Kids are always stuck in the middle and used as a ball to bat around

Well clearly I didn't think about these things either! I just did it. And the kids are fine. They aren't here. If they don't send thank yous no one is going to call them out on it that would be a really shitty thing of granny to do.

@JurgensCakeBabyJesus are you step mum ?

When you marry and have children with someone who has their own children, you become a blended family, it isn't a point scoring exercise, you don't keep and treat the children separately.

Not all of us chose to blend. Some keep boundaries because we are respectful that our parenting styles are different from the SC parents styles.

If she put the names on the cards she would be crucified for over stepping, now she didn't she's being crucified.

Almost like there is no set rule book ? But definitely a load of contradictions you have to navigate as a SP. which you would only know as a SP

@Kanaloa they may need help but they are the ones who should write in the card or the thank you note not their parent.

If they weren't around at the time the OP did them with the toddler, then her DH will just have to sit down with them on another day and get them to do their own.

I would be pissed off if when I sent/gave presents to children over the years if they didn't thank me themselves after they opened them once they could speak/scribble/write.

I agree you shouldn't have to wait for DSC to come back to do that activity with your toddler. If I was writing the cards with the toddler I'd just add names as needed for the children that weren't about when doing the cards, just because I'm already doing them. It is a bit of a shame that you forgot about the DSC when writing to their paternal grandparents/aunts/uncles from your DC. My family sign cards on my behalf if I'm not in when they're writing them and I do the same for them.

I have a vagina I will do it, you couldn't possibly manage it because you have a penis. I agree. It doesn't sent a great message to my DSC if I show that not only do I work and do my best to look after my child but I swoop in when DH has forgotten to do a minor bit of life admin that his busy brain can't remember but for some reason mine does.

I haven’t read the full thread, but I think doing two separate cards where one is from just you son and one from their siblings is a little off. It just emphasises that they are not full siblings, and it might make your child feel excluded in the long run. Once you have created a bended family, you have just fully bend. Doesn’t mean it’s all on you though, your DH should do at least half, if not more, to integrated all his children.

[quote RedWingBoots]**@Kanaloa* they may need help but they are the ones who should write in the card or the thank you note not* their parent.

If they weren't around at the time the OP did them with the toddler, then her DH will just have to sit down with them on another day and get them to do their own.

I would be pissed off if when I sent/gave presents to children over the years if they didn't thank me themselves after they opened them once they could speak/scribble/write.[/quote]
I didn’t say the DH should write them. I said if I was op I would have asked when he was doing his kids cards so they could all be sent off together.

It’s just so divisive and argumentative when it could have been solved by communication. And it does sound like there’s resentment or bitterness at the DH not pulling his weight and I don’t think it’s fair to passively aggressively express it in this way.

Surely you expect elder kids to actually write a short letter? Not just someone put their name onto a card that mum is doing for the young one.

You don't have to just fully blend though @Snoken. As @candlelightsatdawn has already said - some of us choose not to. It's not your way or the highway.

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@JurgensCakeBabyJesus are you step mum ?

When you marry and have children with someone who has their own children, you become a blended family, it isn't a point scoring exercise, you don't keep and treat the children separately.

Not all of us chose to blend. Some keep boundaries because we are respectful that our parenting styles are different from the SC parents styles.

If she put the names on the cards she would be crucified for over stepping, now she didn't she's being crucified.

Almost like there is no set rule book ? But definitely a load of contradictions you have to navigate as a SP. which you would only know as a SP[/quote]
totally agree re blending. I'm not into the whole blended thing. It wouldn't work for DSC. It's working on their mums side but there are more kids involved and they are there most the time.

They'd laugh or be weirded out if I treated them like my own

It’s also a good idea to teach kids to avoid waste and protect the environment. Very wasteful to send thank you cards from each card to the same people. I’m fairly sure the receiver would not mind having just one card.

Next time just call the family member(s) and get the kids to say thank you.

@burnoutbabe

Surely you expect elder kids to actually write a short letter? Not just someone put their name onto a card that mum is doing for the young one.

I would but I'm not going to force my expectations onto my DSC not my place

YABU (from a step childs point of view). You didnt have to do it for them, you could have had toddler design all the fronts by painting/drawing a picture then left them for step children to do "their shares" and write the insides with DH on saturday. Or had toddler write a message inside as well but then leave them open in a pile and tell DH "finish these on saturday with DC".

Next time just call the family member(s) and get the kids to say thank you. no thanks I want to preserve the art of letter writing