DH upset I left DSC off thank you cards

[KiloWhat]

I did christmas thank you cards from toddler DC and posted them all off to the relatives and now DH is upset that I didn't write the DSC's names on the card. They are both old enough to sort their own thank yous if they wanted to.

I just didn't think to do them from them, just an activity for toddler to do on a cold wet day! Is that odd?

I don't really know why I'm posting. I guess I'm a bit fed up of doing a nice thing with DC and then it becoming a 'big deal' because I've not included DSC.

Basically he's too lazy to try and organise it himself I reckon!

You didn't think of them, when writing to their relatives? I don't believe that. I think you purposely didn't add them I think. Maybe to punish your dh or because you don't like SC.

@KiloWhat

How old are all the children?

Were you sending the cards to people who bought all of the children gifts?

@Cheeeeislifenow

You didn't think of them, when writing to their relatives? I don't believe that. I think you purposely didn't add them I think. Maybe to punish your dh or because you don't like SC.

Oh come on.

You realise that DP relatives are not solely belong to DSC, it's also DC relatives.

Bit odd to create a craft thank you card from the toddler and tact on the end DSC1 and 2 when they are teenagers and fully able to do this for themselves.

I think your purposely being unkind and have some issues you need to reflect on.

Cheeeeislifenow

You didn't think of them, when writing to their relatives? I don't believe that. I think you purposely didn't add them I think. Maybe to punish your dh or because you don't like SC.

Oh come on.

You realise that DP relatives are not solely belong to DSC, it's also DC relatives.

Bit odd to create a craft thank you card from the toddler and tact on the end DSC1 and 2 when they are teenagers and fully able to do this for themselves.

I think your purposely being unkind and have some issues you need to reflect on

Nope I honestly think it's

Surely you send them from the whole family? I'm with your husband

I would have included and done joint ones. I think it's off not to tbh.

I think this is a small issue that is part of a much bigger problem reading between the lines.

I am guessing this is a thing whereby it’s regularly brought up about you doing stuff with your DC and DSC not included. So you probably need a chat with DH about dad/NRP guilt. He needs to know he can’t project that guilt of his DC not being there all of the time onto you and his other DC you have a life that involved DSC when they are there, or for special occasions but outside of that time you are still allowed a life, and allowed to be a family and do things that don’t always include the DSC.

However, as far as the card issue itself goes, I think if you made the cards with toddler as an activity to then send, YANBU that you didn’t think of DSC at that point. It’s just a simple oversight and DH needs to understand they aren’t all biologically your children so whilst you like being a SM and care for them, there will be times you forget/overlook things purely for that reason, not purposefully or not spiteful. In future I would just say to DH if I do something similar again RE cards I will include their names, and just write them in yourself if they aren’t there to do it. I wouldn’t cause a big issue over the cards. If you have done the activity with toddler, written them and putting DSC names on would have made no difference, I wouldn’t have expected you to wait for them to do it their self though. Just to save an argument about that, because as you say it’s just a card so not really worth the hassle.

However the bigger issue still needs addressing. There is obviously a miscommunication between what you want/can offer and what he expects, that needs clearing up. You need to know what he’s expecting and then you need to make it clear to him what’s realistically Going to happen so he knows the score. Put your boundaries in, and stick to them.

@C8H10N4O2

People on mumsnet are so desperate to push the ‘horrible first wives’ or ‘golden stepchild’ nonsense when in fact this is a case of poor communication and isn’t the fault of the stepchildren

Oh good grief.

The OP did thank you messages with her toddler. The others were not even there. If there is a communication deficit it is between the DSC parents and the DSC who are quite old enough to send their own thank you messages.

If I received a toddler thank you note with their step mother adding the older DC names I'd assume the older DC could not trouble themselves to send or sign a thank you.

I have said multiple times that I do not think op should have signed the other children’s names. In the bit of my post you didn’t quote I specifically said that if they were just unthought if this time it would have been better to said ‘ok next time I’ll let you do the thank you cards.’

But once again people are determined to see it as posters kicking the stepmum and expecting that she should have done all the cards. That’s not what I’ve suggested, but simply said it might have been better to send them all off as a family/mention to the DH that child’s cards are ready to go off, does he want to wait until the big kids are here to send them all off together.

That’s part of being a family. Talking about things/doing things as a unit.

And from op’s comments ie ‘I don’t need to think of them’ and how she’s sick of doing cards for his family it’s plain that this is indicative of bigger issues around the husband being useless. Which is fine but shouldn’t really be communicated in this way.

@KiloWhat

Can I just make it clear that I didn't sit down and make a conscious choice to leave them off. I just didn't even think of them.

But that's what your DH is concerned about.

The fact that you didn't think of them......

OP I stepped away from the thread to find your DSC are teens.
One teen one is a bit younger but more likely to decide to do them theirselves. Neither interested in being forced to sit there and write them I'd imagine

@GrapeVineTwine

Also, doing your own DC's and not even knowing if dsc were doing one or when smacks a bit of one upmanship - "ooh look good my toddler is and his older siblings have made zero effort"

I think most people don't care enough to even think this way to be honest.

It's more likely, surely, that it was just something to pass the time with and keep quiet for a bit a bored toddler rather than a calculated "oooh I'm going to do thank you cards so my toddler looks better than their siblings MWAHAHAHAHAHA"

Seriously who thinks SMs sit there thinking like that? Who thinks we care that much ffs.

Yes it seems a bit of strange thought process!

But that's what your DH is concerned about.

The fact that you didn't think of them......

Why is that concerning? There are lots of times I don't think about my SC.

*But that's what your DH is concerned about.

The fact that you didn't think of them......*

But not concerned enough to think about them himself ? Like his own kids ? The ones he created with his ex

He only got concerned that OP didn't do it for SDC And didn't willingly pick up his slack most likely.

I don't think of my DSD every second of every day. That must mean I'm a evil step parent yawn that's a boring narrative to keep playing I must say.

That’s not what I’ve suggested, but simply said it might have been better to send them all off as a family/mention to the DH that child’s cards are ready to go off, does he want to wait until the big kids are here to send them all off together

So once again, she can't do something with her toddler until DH's children are there (when presumably its her job to get them to write the thank yous and be an evil appropriator of the DM's role).

Its ridiculous. There is absolutely no need for all the children to send synchronised thank you notes any more than one child should have its activities constrained by the existence and preferences of step siblings.

The SDC have two parents of their own to remind them /support them in doing their thank yous. It is not the fault of the OP if their own parents are remiss in this, its not her job to compensate them for their own parents' failures.

@C8H10N4O2

That’s not what I’ve suggested, but simply said it might have been better to send them all off as a family/mention to the DH that child’s cards are ready to go off, does he want to wait until the big kids are here to send them all off together

So once again, she can't do something with her toddler until DH's children are there (when presumably its her job to get them to write the thank yous and be an evil appropriator of the DM's role).

Its ridiculous. There is absolutely no need for all the children to send synchronised thank you notes any more than one child should have its activities constrained by the existence and preferences of step siblings.

The SDC have two parents of their own to remind them /support them in doing their thank yous. It is not the fault of the OP if their own parents are remiss in this, its not her job to compensate them for their own parents' failures.

I didn't take it from the PP that she meant OP shouldn't have done the card at all? Just that it would have been good for all cards to be sent in the same envelope?

Maybe their mother has got them to do thank you's at her house because she knows how useless their dad is. SM just writing their names on her toddlers cards would be a bit strange IMO, how's that a thank you from the kids if they weren't even there and didn't even write it.

Just that it would have been good for all cards to be sent in the same envelope? That seems incredibly petty to me. The recipient isn't going to care if its in one envelope or three. They might even prefer 3 if they don't get much post.
I doubt they are reading into it.

I think you won't accept you are wrong anyway so I'm not sure why you posted. Fact is I understand why you didn't put their names on but in hindsight surely you realise that would have been the right thing to do

@KiloWhat

Just that it would have been good for all cards to be sent in the same envelope? That seems incredibly petty to me. The recipient isn't going to care if its in one envelope or three. They might even prefer 3 if they don't get much post. I doubt they are reading into it.

I think it's not necessary either, I was just pointing out to that poster that what the quote said was pretty different to the "you can't do anything with your child, and you are expected to then do your DH's parent work" narrative that they deciphered it as..

It's the same old on here, let's twist what others say to make a point.

It's the same old on here, let's twist what others say to make a point.

The OP herself stated it is one incident in a long line of "you mustn't do anything with your toddler unless my other children can do it".

This is the absolute heart of the problem as per the OP.

I can see it from both points of view. As your DC’s mum I can see you doing it as an activity on a rainy day. As one of those SC I never quite felt included and I can see why you DH would have like their names on. They are part of your family and it’s not easy to strike a balance. Kids can get upset if they don’t feel included and let’s face it your DH has more than one child, I certainly wouldn’t automatically call him out as lazy if it’s because he wants them to feel included. I recall my SM taking my siblings and I to the shops and leaving 3 of us outside because it was tiny, so she took her two in because they were in a pram. She came out with sweets for all of us but all I recall was feeling left out because we were made to stand outside. As an adult I have the ability to think no you were being an idiot but that’s not the way a kids mind works. We don’t choose to have separated parents or for them to remarry/find new partners. If you’re part of a blended family it’s hard but they are you’re family too.

@C8H10N4O2

It's the same old on here, let's twist what others say to make a point.

The OP herself stated it is one incident in a long line of "you mustn't do anything with your toddler unless my other children can do it".

This is the absolute heart of the problem as per the OP.

I must have missed that post

@flippertyop

I think you won't accept you are wrong anyway so I'm not sure why you posted. Fact is I understand why you didn't put their names on but in hindsight surely you realise that would have been the right thing to do

I didn't ask if I was wrong. It was merely the post of an exasperated step mum seeking support.

This isn't AIBU