DH upset I left DSC off thank you cards

[KiloWhat]

I did christmas thank you cards from toddler DC and posted them all off to the relatives and now DH is upset that I didn't write the DSC's names on the card. They are both old enough to sort their own thank yous if they wanted to.

I just didn't think to do them from them, just an activity for toddler to do on a cold wet day! Is that odd?

I don't really know why I'm posting. I guess I'm a bit fed up of doing a nice thing with DC and then it becoming a 'big deal' because I've not included DSC.

Basically he's too lazy to try and organise it himself I reckon!

Would DH have sorted them out from all three DC if you'd not bothered? I know mine couldn't be bothered to remember in the first place.

OP I stepped away from the thread to find your DSC are teens. 😂

Some of the teens I'm related to and know have taken their little brother/sister (including half sibling) in hand and "helped" them to "write" thank you notes.

Regardless if a child who is secondary age or older doesn't know how to say thank you for their presents on their own then there is no helping them....

Oh and lots of other posters are deliberately being spiteful to you.

Honest to god I could not give a shit if my SC send thank you cards, I don't know whether they do at their mum's, they certainly haven't done here as DH hasn't mentioned anything and he wouldn't think to do them anyway. They are old enough to text to say thank you so maybe they've done that?

I wouldn't concern myself with it, and it would prevent me from drawing a picture with my young child to thank a relative either. I wouldn't sit there planning the "one upmanship" because I wouldn't even think about it.

And it wouldn't prevent me*

@GrapeVineTwine yeah, thank you letters are personal and talk about the gift, should be written by the person who received the gift. A card, I don't think is the same and I don't expect a detailed and personal message in a card. As OP is talking about a card I don't think the discussion about it needing to be detailed and personal is relevant. I think PP had a really nice idea about the toddler making the card and others singing it. I've always written thank you letters but I think one card signed by all the children is nice too. I wouldn't assume the children were ungrateful because it was a short and sweet card rather than a letter. Each to their own though.

@GrapeVineTwine

Also, doing your own DC's and not even knowing if dsc were doing one or when smacks a bit of one upmanship - "ooh look good my toddler is and his older siblings have made zero effort"

I think most people don't care enough to even think this way to be honest.

It's more likely, surely, that it was just something to pass the time with and keep quiet for a bit a bored toddler rather than a calculated "oooh I'm going to do thank you cards so my toddler looks better than their siblings MWAHAHAHAHAHA"

Seriously who thinks SMs sit there thinking like that? Who thinks we care that much ffs.

For most toddlers I know, scribbling on a random piece of paper would pass as much time and hold as much attention as scribbling inside thank you cards. OP is writing it as if actually doing thank you cards was an activity to entertain a toddler

I think you have done your DH a favour actually. You have presented him with an ideal opportunity to spend some quality time with his DC whilst simultaneously teaching them the importance of gratitude. They could even indulge in some crafting while they are at it! A win win all round.

@Justmuddlingalong

That's his or his ex's job.

^^ this

I wouldn’t think to include my DSC automatically if I was doing this type of activity with my toddler. Especially if they were drawing the pic or signing with crayons and the like and crucially it was only signed by them…..

If I wrote the card myself and signed from all the family minus the DSC then sure, that might be a bit off.

People who are not step parents honestly have no idea of the endless little annoyances that come with a second family. It’s NOT the kids themselves (usually) but it’s the constant compromise and having to second guess your plans and decisions every time.

And for those saying “yOu KnEw He HaD kIdS”
yes…. But that doesn’t mean that they are in the forefront of your mind every split second of the day for the rest of eternity.

YANBU unreasonable to have not considered them on this occasion OP.

If they are old enough to understand why people are thanked then I think you did the right thing. You writing their names would be you doing the thanking not them making it meaningless, they should do it themselves to help develop good manners

[quote WrongWayApricot]@GrapeVineTwine yeah, thank you letters are personal and talk about the gift, should be written by the person who received the gift. A card, I don't think is the same and I don't expect a detailed and personal message in a card. As OP is talking about a card I don't think the discussion about it needing to be detailed and personal is relevant. I think PP had a really nice idea about the toddler making the card and others singing it. I've always written thank you letters but I think one card signed by all the children is nice too. I wouldn't assume the children were ungrateful because it was a short and sweet card rather than a letter. Each to their own though.[/quote]
Well it's all debatable isn't it. To me a thank you card and a thank you letter are much the same thing. I personally think poster's are grasping at any reason why in this particular case it's "cruel, unkind, petty, mean" to not add their names when in reality most people send individual thank yous for their own gifts in one form or another, text, letter, card whatever...because you know... Step children.

@ChonkyDonkey

I think you have done your DH a favour actually. You have presented him with an ideal opportunity to spend some quality time with his DC whilst simultaneously teaching them the importance of gratitude. They could even indulge in some crafting while they are at it! A win win all round.

Precisely.

He should actually have thought what a great idea, I'll do it with DSC as well this weekend.

One of the children is primary aged. So not a ‘teen’ unless it’s a different primary school than the type I’m used to.

And there is a huge gap between ‘op should have sat down and wrote all the cards for them’ and ‘who cares they should do it themselves! Why should you bother considering them?’

It would have been simple to just say ‘are your kids doing cards? If so shall we send them out at the same time as I post our child’s and save twice the work?’ And if that genuinely wasn’t thought of then surely it’s simple to say ‘oh I didn’t think you were doing them, let me know next time and you can do it with all three together.’

People on mumsnet are so desperate to push the ‘horrible first wives’ or ‘golden stepchild’ nonsense when in fact this is a case of poor communication and isn’t the fault of the stepchildren.

For most toddlers I know, scribbling on a random piece of paper would pass as much time and hold as much attention as scribbling inside thank you cards. OP is writing it as if actually doing thank you cards was an activity to entertain a toddler

I don't even get your point? OP wanted her child to do thank you cards. So she got her child to do thank you cards as an activity on a rainy day. What are you questioning?

Yes she could have got them to bake, play in the bath, scribble on a random piece of paper instead or any other number of things, and? It doesn't make thank you cards any less of an activity because she could have done something else. Again, grasping much.

@bongobingo43

Am I the only one impressed by a toddler writing their own thank you cards as a rainy day activity?

My 3 year old can write some letters.

Makes it interesting for the recipient....

(And no she isn't nearly 4.)

@kanaloa but it is twice the work for the OP.

Also if you have a stack of first or second class stamps it is easier for every child to write their own letter/card and send them separately then to line up at the post office to get them weighted to ensure they aren't to heavy.

Added to that the SC who may have a mobile or email may just want to send a text/email instead.

Bloody hell KiloWhat

Sod them all! YOU have one kid. YOU are dealig with the parenting of that kid. On here you will get a smacked arse response if you do include the SCs in your cards and if you don't so sod them! Make up your own mind ad do as you think best.

His family - his Thank You cards, ot their mum

Your family - maybe you, if they are with you and you remember. And him.

Otherwise it's a bit like the poster whose DH says she cannot take their child anywehre interetsing without saving it for when she has his kids too. No fun for her little on, no daddy for her little one unless SCs are included. Like her child's life stops when it's half sibs are with their mum. You can guarantee thier mum has no such hang ups and takes her kids anywhere she damn well pleases

So tell him to pull his finger out with his kids and not to expect you to be their de facto parent when they are with him - that's his job!

This thread is bonkers, if stepmothers get too involved with their stepchildren they are over stepping, not involved enough means they hate their step kids. They can’t do right for doing wrong.
Op, you’ve done nothing wrong, your step kids are capable of writing their own thank you cards without your involvement.
I’ve been a stepmother and it’s not something I would ever do again, no bloke is worth the stress. Equally I don’t expect any potential partner to take a fatherly role with my kids.

Loving the term golden uterus

Your Dh needs to live and let live He can encourage the children to pen/write Thankyou notes when they are home with you all

You did nothing wrong to encourage the youngest child to crayon Thankyou notes (from themselves only ) while they were home with you at the time

OP, I think you are having a hard time on here but I just want to point out that you are a wicked stepmother and therefore whatever you will be wrong.

Thank you letter activity with your child only - wrong because you are leaving out the SC
Thank you letter activity with all the kids - wrong because you ar massively overstepping an activity their parents should be doing and you are not their mother.

Also, I get the impression that a lot of posters don’t send thank you cards ordinarily.
A thank you card is for something specific.

Dear Jane, thank you for the ugly sweater. It is perfect for me to wear to next year’s competition and I will get first place. It was so kind of you to think of me. Love Niece

Older children can easily write that themselves, albeit with some prompting. With younger children, parents write and children sign or draw.

I would never expect a letter to say:
Dear Jane, thank you for the ugly sweater for Niece, the train set for Nephew and the bag for Another. We all love them and will play or use them daily. Love from niece, nephew and another.

If Jane gave three people three different things, then Jane gets three thank you letters.and the works won’t end it they are written and posted at different times!

Just a suspicion, I think the issue is that you have made your DH look bad because it hadn’t occurred to him to do thank you cards with the kids and you are now out parenting him in front of his relatives.

On another point, I was the youngest of three children. We all sat down at separate times with my mother to do our thank you letters. Different children needed different levels of support. When I started drawing pictures to be included in a thank you, the eldest was early teens and had lots of experience doing thank yous. He needed a quiet place for half an hour and mum’s address book and a supply of stamps. Middle child hated writing and needed closer supervision and encouragement. I mostly needed to be told to sit still and give my thoughts on the present so mum could write the words for me while I drew a picture or wrote my name until was old enough to do more by myself.

I think the people complaining dint really send or receive thank you notes themselves. They don’t really understand what goes into it or what the recipient gets from it. Their loss.

@KiloWhat

But yeah I thought they should do one each really. That's what I used to do. But aparantly it looks odd now if the DSC do joint ones. But that's not my problem. I'm just fed up of all the little day to day things having to always think of them even when they aren't here.

This really pisses me off too. I signed a Christmas card that I made with my 4 week old babies feet which had a message from me on it, a message relating to us and our relationship and how lucky I am to have him as my baby daddy etc from me and our DC because its from me and them not his DD who we didn't create together. People get so wound up about such small things sometimes.

People on mumsnet are so desperate to push the ‘horrible first wives’ or ‘golden stepchild’ nonsense when in fact this is a case of poor communication and isn’t the fault of the stepchildren

Oh good grief.

The OP did thank you messages with her toddler. The others were not even there. If there is a communication deficit it is between the DSC parents and the DSC who are quite old enough to send their own thank you messages.

If I received a toddler thank you note with their step mother adding the older DC names I'd assume the older DC could not trouble themselves to send or sign a thank you.

Wow! Some of these posts are so harsh! You did a lovely, rainy day activity with your daughter. People do love a thank you card. You mentioned it's how you and your brother did it and now you're passing it on to your daughter. Keeping the tradition going. Your hubby is pissed off because you didn't make life easy for him and include all the kids names and he actually has to do them to save face with his family! Also stop reading these replies, some people forget to be kind when you're anonymous.

People on mumsnet are so desperate to push the ‘horrible first wives’ or ‘golden stepchild’ nonsense when in fact this is a case of poor communication and isn’t the fault of the stepchildren

I'm part of the first wives club and have no problem with these terms and also a step mum, because I know those references are only applied to people who come along and say things like -

"Omg why did you get with a man with children"

"omg you clearly hate your SC"

"omg you took your DC to the park without DSC - EXCLUSION your a awful person"

"Omg I pity the children"

If those comments hit a nerve with you, well then there's need for you to do some self reflection.

These are the same posters who always say these comments regardless of the actual topic being posted. No matter what the dammed post is and they get a kick out of saying this stuff because they haven't worked out their own issues.

This bonkers thread has lead to op being called evil, not a real family, people have said her marriage will fail, that she hates her step children, that she's failing as a women and a mother and step mother over a dammed thankyou card that the SC will probably have not given even a second thought.

Some of the comments have been downright nasty. Some of you really should be ashamed and I truly hope your raising your own kids to be kinder than you are.

Bet some of you also have got "my inbox is always open if your suffering" on your social media. Grim.

People on mumsnet are so desperate to push the ‘horrible first wives’ or ‘golden stepchild’ nonsense when in fact this is a case of poor communication and isn’t the fault of the stepchildren

People on mumsnet are so desperate to push the selfish/wicked/thoughtless/second class/no right to enjoy their own child stepmum nonsense. Wont someone think of the children!!