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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU for not paying toward birthday present?

286 replies

HappyGuppy · 03/01/2022 21:10

My husband has a son from a previous relationship and a son with me.

Its my step sons birthday in a couple of weeks and he has asked for something expensive. It's about £450.

My husband can't afford to get the present DSS has asked for and instead of getting him something else he is saying I should pay half so that he can have it.

I can't really afford this right after Christmas not without dipping into some money I have saved recently for a specific reason.

The savings are for our sons birthday which is 3 weeks after DSS's and I have booked a few things for him and got him a few presents which are costing a bit more than usual but which I'm paying for. Admittedly I've probably gone a bit OTT but wanted to use it as an excuse to get family together as well and as I'm paying for it myself didn't think anything of it.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable as our son will have more spent on him and if I'm going to spend that much on DS, then DSS should be able to get what he wants for his birthday whereas I think it's unfortunate if DH can't afford it right now but it doesn't mean I should have to take away from what I've specifically saved for DS's birthday.

I do also have savings but I never go into that unless I absolutely have to and I don't think this is a reason to do so. DH could save if he wanted to but he never does.

Yes our finances are separate. We have a joint account for bills but I prefer to keep the rest separate personally as I just find we prioritise different things and this was the most comfortable way for us.

I don't mind contributing some toward DSS's birthday, I always do. But this is usually £30-40 not £200+

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 04/01/2022 11:59

OP it is all equal, especially with that explanation. I don’t know how anyone can argue with that.
If you were to provide hundreds for dss now it would just tip the scales highly in dss’s favour and that’s not fair on your ds.
Or maybe it is fair on him, because he has his parents living together of course and that is usually used as an excuse.

Aderyn21 · 04/01/2022 12:01

You're already subsidising him by meeting the majority of costs for your joint child. Don't let people guilt trip you into taking on even more of your husband's responsibilities - you are going more than enough already!
Your h sounds useless though - I hope he has some redeeming qualities

potter5 · 04/01/2022 12:05

Does he have a credit card he could put it on?

tootiredtospeak · 04/01/2022 12:08

I have one stepdaughter who is an adult now.

funinthesun19 · 04/01/2022 12:08

Why are so many of you expecting the woman in this scenario to sort out the man's mess? It's nothing short of misogynistic. All the flak aimed at OP needs to be directed at DH.

Same old same old on these threads. On other threads, women are not responsible for men’s messes which is absolutely right. Come on a stepparenting thread though and all of a sudden it doesn’t apply, because a woman saying no is not compatible with stepfamilies. Everyone needs you to say yes and smile sweetly.

aSofaNearYou · 04/01/2022 12:12

@HappyGuppy

I don't like the idea of pooling finances. Knowing him and his priorities when it comes to money it's not something I want to do.

I also think he can spoil DSS at Christmas sometimes and has even said to me when I've questioned it in the past that it's none of my business so that's fine. I'm not just paying half for an amount in which I have no say over. If it's not my business that's fine, it's not my business 🤷‍♀️

He actually said it's none of your business, and now expects you to act like DSSs parent by contributing half? He's got a LOT of nerve. Have you pointed out the gaping hypocrisy there to him?
spidersenses · 04/01/2022 12:13

@Newyearfamilytrouble

Yes I think yabu, I actually hate the fact people treat children differently. You married and man who already had a child yet don’t treat them as family. Your son had a brother who is treated second class to your son. What will that show your son whilst he is growing up? I have step children, they drive me mad some days (as do my own) and sometimes I do ask myself why do I try and be equal so much at the disadvantage to my own dc, however, I’m teaching my children that everyone is equal and that we are a family and that we share. Some people will always be less fortunate than others but when any child comes through your door, they are all treated equally and feel loved and wanted not less special than their siblings or step siblings that they share their life with. He didn’t choose for you to marry his dad or have a brother, that’s was your choice
I'm sorry OP, but I agree with this. I have a step son and a daughter I gave birth to. He's been my DSS since he was 5. My DH and I just jointly gave him £1k for his 21st birthday.
KiloWhat · 04/01/2022 12:14

@HappyGuppy

Basically DH does the same thing to both his children. Is disorganised and doesn't save up when he should for them. They are the same in that respect.

They then both have mothers who tend to do that for them.

Equal 🤷‍♀️

Yep. It's all fair. Don't sweat it.

Unless their mum is suddenly going to start contributing towards your child hahahaha

Original poster
HappyGuppy · 04/01/2022 12:15

I'm sorry OP, but I agree with this. I have a step son and a daughter I gave birth to. He's been my DSS since he was 5. My DH and I just jointly gave him £1k for his 21st birthday.

With all due respect, what does that have to do with anything? It's not his 21st birthday and I assume tour husband didn't come to you a couple of weeks beforehand and say "I need £500 from you" because he didn't save for it? Also expecting you to take that money away from something you'd saved for your daughter which he was contributing barely anything to?

I assume it's something you discussed and both saved for?

OP posts:
KiloWhat · 04/01/2022 12:15

I'm sorry OP, but I agree with this. I have a step son and a daughter I gave birth to. He's been my DSS since he was 5. My DH and I just jointly gave him £1k for his 21st birthday.

The key bit there is JOINTLY.

OP and her DH have seperate finances

tiredofthisshit21 · 04/01/2022 12:15

That's entirely your choice though @spidersenses. It's not an obligation, nor should it be.

KiloWhat · 04/01/2022 12:17

OP doesn't want to. It's her money. That should be all that matters here and DH needs to back off and not be a money grabber

aSofaNearYou · 04/01/2022 12:21

You married and man who already had a child yet don’t treat them as family. Your son had a brother who is treated second class to your son. What will that show your son whilst he is growing up?

She does treat them as family, she just doesn't treat them as her son, because they aren't. What it shows her son is nothing more than that DSS has a different mother to him, which he will be aware of anyway.

Original poster
HappyGuppy · 04/01/2022 12:22

I appreciate our financial set up may not be typical for a lot of married couples. But unless your situation is the same as ours, dealing with the issues I've explained surrounding DH and money, then I'm really not sure what PPs sharing their financial own set up has to do with anything. I will assume unless they say otherwise that they don't have the same issues with their husbands in regards to money/disorganisation!

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyGuppy · 04/01/2022 12:24

@aSofaNearYou

You married and man who already had a child yet don’t treat them as family. Your son had a brother who is treated second class to your son. What will that show your son whilst he is growing up?

She does treat them as family, she just doesn't treat them as her son, because they aren't. What it shows her son is nothing more than that DSS has a different mother to him, which he will be aware of anyway.

Yes. What poster's mean when they say that is you don't treat him like your child. I do treat him like family. I have lots of children in my family who I don't contribute half of their birthdays presents for. In fact most people outside of DS don't get £40 at birthdays!

So yes he's treated like a child of my family. Just not my child. Because he isn't. I think that obviously is a controversial opinion on here.

OP posts:
KiloWhat · 04/01/2022 12:25

Even if my DH wasn't quite so useless with gifts etc keeping our finances semiseperate once sorted out is a nice easy way for him to be able to see what discretionary spending he has for his kids and me to see what I have for my 1 kid. If we pooled it all together it would be a nightmare working our what I could fairly save for our shared child and what he can fairly spend when he gives in to his ex's ridiculous demands.

KiloWhat · 04/01/2022 12:27

So yes he's treated like a child of my family. Just not my child. Because he isn't. I think that obviously is a controversial opinion on here. it really shouldn't be but I agree. The world would be much better if people just accepted the stepparent relationship for what it is!

ProudThrilledHappy · 04/01/2022 12:29

So just to clarify, your Dh has two boys and has spent £80 on one and £225 on the other, but other posters are calling it unfair for you not to also pay £225 to the older boy?

The older child has two parents so is getting two sets of gifts, the younger only one set of parents with a dad who contributes less. Also 10 is old enough to be told that their present choice is too expensive and that they will be given cash and can save the rest or ask other relatives for money too.

Original poster
HappyGuppy · 04/01/2022 12:33

So just to clarify, your Dh has two boys and has spent £80 on one and £225 on the other, but other posters are calling it unfair for you not to also pay £225 to the older boy?

Yes, apparently so...

OP posts:
DifficultBloodyWoman · 04/01/2022 12:34

For the record, I am with you OP. Your DH is the weak link here.

But you are a step mother posting on Mumsnet so you are obviously in the wrong.

Hand over the dosh because you are the wicked step mother but remember that you are the wicked step mother and therefore have no input in choosing the present or the budget or anything else.

aSofaNearYou · 04/01/2022 12:44

@ProudThrilledHappy

So just to clarify, your Dh has two boys and has spent £80 on one and £225 on the other, but other posters are calling it unfair for you not to also pay £225 to the older boy?

The older child has two parents so is getting two sets of gifts, the younger only one set of parents with a dad who contributes less. Also 10 is old enough to be told that their present choice is too expensive and that they will be given cash and can save the rest or ask other relatives for money too.

Exactly. The comments on this thread are the very definition of "only thinking of things from and interested in one perspective."
Beamur · 04/01/2022 12:45

OP I can't see any problem with your position. Your DH is being unreasonable. As many others have already said, he's not pulling his fair share with regards to your shared child and now is asking you to sub him out of a lack of planning plus over promising for his other child.

Nowomenaroundeh · 04/01/2022 12:49

@ProudThrilledHappy

So just to clarify, your Dh has two boys and has spent £80 on one and £225 on the other, but other posters are calling it unfair for you not to also pay £225 to the older boy?

The older child has two parents so is getting two sets of gifts, the younger only one set of parents with a dad who contributes less. Also 10 is old enough to be told that their present choice is too expensive and that they will be given cash and can save the rest or ask other relatives for money too.

Yes, ridiculous responses.

OP my first year living with DP was littered with 'none of your business' attitude while simultaneously expecting me to ensure the consequences of decisions he had made alone.

Unfortunately you have tried to work with your DH on this problem but nothing has changed so he will have to explain to his son himself why he isn't getting the requested present.

Nowomenaroundeh · 04/01/2022 12:50

*endure not ensure

Chloemol · 04/01/2022 12:50

YANBU. The child is his and his ex’s so if anymore should contribute it’s her

Yes by all means add a bit of ‘your’ money as a contribution but not half. He also needs to set expectations of the child that’s a lot of money

As to your child it’s your money to spend

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