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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU for not paying toward birthday present?

286 replies

HappyGuppy · 03/01/2022 21:10

My husband has a son from a previous relationship and a son with me.

Its my step sons birthday in a couple of weeks and he has asked for something expensive. It's about £450.

My husband can't afford to get the present DSS has asked for and instead of getting him something else he is saying I should pay half so that he can have it.

I can't really afford this right after Christmas not without dipping into some money I have saved recently for a specific reason.

The savings are for our sons birthday which is 3 weeks after DSS's and I have booked a few things for him and got him a few presents which are costing a bit more than usual but which I'm paying for. Admittedly I've probably gone a bit OTT but wanted to use it as an excuse to get family together as well and as I'm paying for it myself didn't think anything of it.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable as our son will have more spent on him and if I'm going to spend that much on DS, then DSS should be able to get what he wants for his birthday whereas I think it's unfortunate if DH can't afford it right now but it doesn't mean I should have to take away from what I've specifically saved for DS's birthday.

I do also have savings but I never go into that unless I absolutely have to and I don't think this is a reason to do so. DH could save if he wanted to but he never does.

Yes our finances are separate. We have a joint account for bills but I prefer to keep the rest separate personally as I just find we prioritise different things and this was the most comfortable way for us.

I don't mind contributing some toward DSS's birthday, I always do. But this is usually £30-40 not £200+

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyGuppy · 04/01/2022 11:23

@tootiredtospeak

Then you have a DH issue maybe work on that and dont spend it on your DSS. But do you really want a relationship like that...my kid your kid my money your money it sounds way too hard work. Maybe take seperate holidays have separate houses even. Maybe just seperate as that would be easier.... but then your kid might be the DSS going to see his dad who cant be arsed to save money towards his birthday and so he gets less then his new brothers and sisters. But that's okay as he still has you to spend on him to he wont notice. I dont get it but all my kids live with me so maybe it just feels different we dont do your money my money it all goes into one pot. Bill's are paid extra money is decided for birthdays Xmas ext and then what's left is split equally and is our money to do what we like.
Yes it's a DH issue I've not suggested otherwise.

It's also something we have argued over in the past and so we agreed to separate finances like this. It works in the main, I'm not cross at him for blowing money in stupid shit and I can save what I want and not have to subsidise him. I also have a savings account for DS which I pay into every month. He doesn't do that for DSS despite knowing I do it for DS. That's a shame but I can't force him to do it and I'm not going to take from my son because he doesn't want to do the same for DSS. He doesn't think it's important and that's his prerogative. I'm not going to pick up the slack for that choice all the time though.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyGuppy · 04/01/2022 11:25

@purpleboy

Sorry cross posted where you said you have had the conversation many times, I appreciate the frustration but I think it boils down to, remind DH and help him put in the effort/saving for DSS, so DSS has a good birthday or as you are doing take a step back let him sort it out and leave DSS with shit last minute gifts. I know the right thing for you is to take a step back but I think the right thing to do for DSS is to remind DH so he has a better birthday. I personally would remind because that would be more important to me that trying to make DH take responsibility. I do completely understand why you would choose to take a step back though.
In practice how do I help a grown man save money? Take it off him every month? Control his finances myself? I have spent years repeatedly reminding him of upcoming things to which he says yes yes I know I know and then lo and behold he's still in a panic when the time comes because he's left it again.

I cannot literally force him to organise and save so all I was going is getting myself wound up. That's how he is, fine. But I'm not picking up the pieces now.

OP posts:
tootiredtospeak · 04/01/2022 11:36

Fair enough but why cant you pool finances to start with so lets just say for argument sake you have 4k net a month spend 1.5k on a mortgage and bills 500 into savings half each maybe. Money for birthdays or Xmas as agreed and then rest spilt between you. Then whatever he does or doesnt do with the split money is his business but it doesnt affect the kids. I have no issue with you not subsidising him spending on himself but I dont get doing it when it affects kids. You wouldn't let him being shit with money affect your kid but you are happy to let it affect his. That's where we differ. I couldn't do that. My guess would be the above doesnt work for you as you earn more than him but I may be wrong.

LittleMysSister · 04/01/2022 11:39

I don't think you're being unfair, not when you already don't get equal financial input from him for your joint child.

I'd also want to ask your DH which bit of his younger DS's birthday plans/presents you should cancel so that his older son can have exactly what he wants?

If you have always had separate finances then it's totally unreasonable for him to be demanding this now, just because he's been caught short.

Either everything is 50/50 or nothing is, in my view. He can't have 50/50 from your for SS when he doesn't even give that for your joint child who he's actually the father of!!

purpleboy · 04/01/2022 11:39

Does he never have money left for presents?
Honestly I get your frustration and as I said I don't disagree with your stance at all, your DH should be capable of sorting this.
Without knowing your relationship it's hard to say what you could do to help him, could you ask DSS well in advance what he wants for birthday, on payday ask DH to transfer x amount to you until the cost is covered. I will say again that I don't believe this to be your responsibility at all, and I understand exactly why you wouldn't want to but I would (personally) prefer to do this than leave the child with a shit bday.

LittleMysSister · 04/01/2022 11:41

PS. I totally sympathise as my DP is equally as disorganised when it comes to Christmas gifts, and my 2 SCs both have birthdays within a couple of weeks of Christmas so it's really hard. He doesn't save anything at all, and just waits until they tell him what they want instead of encouraging them to choose earlier so he has a bit more time to afford it all.

I don't think he'd ever expect me to pay though.

funinthesun19 · 04/01/2022 11:41

Op I can totally see why your finances are separate. He sounds terrible with money and you are the opposite of that.
You’re right you can’t force him to do anything. You shouldn’t have to pick up the pieces for him when he chooses to not to save.

KiloWhat · 04/01/2022 11:44

Fair enough but why cant you pool finances to start because he's not very good with money and why should OP fund DH's child?!

KiloWhat · 04/01/2022 11:45

OP's priority is her own child not funding someone elses

Original poster
HappyGuppy · 04/01/2022 11:46

Does he never have money left for presents?

Yes he does often have the money, it's normally the disorganisation that's the issue, leaving it to the absolute last minute and then not knowing what to get (and I'm sometimes talking literally the day before). Although this is the most expensive thing DSS has asked for. He's known that he's wanted it for ages though so could have saved up. Again, it's just a consequence of his disorganisation.

I know what DS wanted in terms of a party and present so I saved and organised it to make sure he could have it.

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 04/01/2022 11:46

You wouldn't let him being shit with money affect your kid but you are happy to let it affect his. That's where we differ. I couldn't do that.

He does have some money for his 10 year old though. He’s got £225! Plenty of money to spoil his 10 year old with ffs. It’s £225 more than he’s got for his youngest. How on earth is his older child being affected here?

aSofaNearYou · 04/01/2022 11:46

But do you really want a relationship like that...my kid your kid my money your money it sounds way too hard work. Maybe take seperate holidays have separate houses even. Maybe just seperate as that would be easier.... but then your kid might be the DSS going to see his dad who cant be arsed to save money towards his birthday and so he gets less then his new brothers and sisters.

It's not hard work at all when you only have a joint child, like OP. It's very simple. You just both share the expenses for your joint responsibility, and they deal with the one's that are just theirs.

This is such a dramatic response. Oh you want them to accept paying for their own kid, might as well just seperate then because that's too hard and complicated. It's not hard or complicated at all.

KiloWhat · 04/01/2022 11:47

"Sorry DC there is no uni fund becuase even though I earn my own money I had to spend it on your step siblings presents to 'make it fair' even though they have two parents, one of which can't be bothered to save for either of you"

Ozanj · 04/01/2022 11:47

@tootiredtospeak

I agree that 450 is excessive but let's just say that they are spending 450 including party on the younger child then what is the issue. We spent 380 this year on our joint 5yr old DD she had presents and a party. On our joint 9yr old DS 300 on presents and no party but we did go away for the weekend and spent about 500 on everything overall. My 20yr old DS we spent about 100 as there wasnt much he wanted. Ths year he will have more as he is 21. The others wont have as much.... all family decisions. It's the divisiveness I hate....my kid your kid shit ask any stepchildren you know that are now adults and they will tell you they feel it.
But the DSS has 2 parents - it’s not OP’s fault they’re too childish to communicate properly and go halves on presents. Did you miss the part where the DSS, on a normal birthday, gets double what their DC get because of this? The very fact that a 10 year old has no idea of the cost of something that expensive is really telling about how much he usually gets spent on them. I have several DNs the same age and there is no way they don’t know the rough cost of the things they’re passionate about - because their parents have conversations about what they can and can’t buy for them.
Original poster
HappyGuppy · 04/01/2022 11:47

I don't like the idea of pooling finances. Knowing him and his priorities when it comes to money it's not something I want to do.

I also think he can spoil DSS at Christmas sometimes and has even said to me when I've questioned it in the past that it's none of my business so that's fine. I'm not just paying half for an amount in which I have no say over. If it's not my business that's fine, it's not my business 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Ozanj · 04/01/2022 11:49

@HappyGuppy

I don't like the idea of pooling finances. Knowing him and his priorities when it comes to money it's not something I want to do.

I also think he can spoil DSS at Christmas sometimes and has even said to me when I've questioned it in the past that it's none of my business so that's fine. I'm not just paying half for an amount in which I have no say over. If it's not my business that's fine, it's not my business 🤷‍♀️

Precisely
funinthesun19 · 04/01/2022 11:49

I know what DS wanted in terms of a party and present so I saved and organised it to make sure he could have it.

And therefore he should have it! He’s had plenty of time to save for dss. He’s just not saved enough to get what he intended to get. Lesson learned. He can buy something else. What shouldn’t happen is your ds’s birthday being compromised to subsidise dss’s big expensive present his father didn’t save enough for.

Original poster
HappyGuppy · 04/01/2022 11:50

You wouldn't let him being shit with money affect your kid but you are happy to let it affect his. That's where we differ. I couldn't do that.

He's both of their fathers. Him being shit with money affects them both. He doesn't contribute barley to our son either. Step son has a mother, who like me for our son, is more organised, saves more ect.. for him. How is that unequal? I guess you'll say it is irrelevant what his mother does. I disagree. The equality to me comes from the fact they both have a mother and a father. My step son also then most years has me AS WELL as his mum and dad putting a further £40 in his birthday fund.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyGuppy · 04/01/2022 11:51

Barely not barley 🤣

OP posts:
tootiredtospeak · 04/01/2022 11:53

Then we will agree to disagree. You crack on but you asked on this forum for a reason so I dont believe you are truly comfortable with your reasoning. If you are get on with it you dont need strangers validation.

funinthesun19 · 04/01/2022 11:54

Imagine the other way around though!
Dss doesn’t get his expensive present because enough wasn’t saved for ds’s birthday party. And dss’s birthday money will fund it. I bet all of a sudden it would be a different story.

Original poster
HappyGuppy · 04/01/2022 11:54

Basically DH does the same thing to both his children. Is disorganised and doesn't save up when he should for them. They are the same in that respect.

They then both have mothers who tend to do that for them.

Equal 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyGuppy · 04/01/2022 11:55

@funinthesun19

Imagine the other way around though! Dss doesn’t get his expensive present because enough wasn’t saved for ds’s birthday party. And dss’s birthday money will fund it. I bet all of a sudden it would be a different story.
Can you imagine.
OP posts:
Kitkat151 · 04/01/2022 11:58

@tootiredtospeak

I agree that 450 is excessive but let's just say that they are spending 450 including party on the younger child then what is the issue. We spent 380 this year on our joint 5yr old DD she had presents and a party. On our joint 9yr old DS 300 on presents and no party but we did go away for the weekend and spent about 500 on everything overall. My 20yr old DS we spent about 100 as there wasnt much he wanted. Ths year he will have more as he is 21. The others wont have as much.... all family decisions. It's the divisiveness I hate....my kid your kid shit ask any stepchildren you know that are now adults and they will tell you they feel it.
So how many step children do you have PP?
Theflamingnerd · 04/01/2022 11:59

Let's break it down with some imaginary figures

OP's DSS
Mother spends £200
Father spends £200
Total spent - £400

OP's DS
OP (mother) spends - £200
Father spends - £80
Total spent - £280

At this point DS is not being treated "fairly" or "equally".

Now let's say OP contributes £100 from her own money, not family money. DSS has now had £500 spent on him compared to DS £280. Is this fair? This is what a lot of people seem to be advocating for on this thread.

Why should OP contribute from her own pocket to make up for DH's shortcomings (which she is already doing with her own DS)?

Is anyone asking DSS mum to stump up for OP's Ds? No? Because that would be absurd.

Why are so many of you expecting the woman in this scenario to sort out the man's mess? It's nothing short of misogynistic. All the flak aimed at OP needs to be directed at DH. All the posters who are keen to dismiss OP as the evil step mother conveniently seem to ignore that DH is not pulling his weight in regards to either child. OP has her own child to cater for and pick up DH's slack, DSS has his own mother to the same.

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