AIBU for not paying toward birthday present?

[HappyGuppy]

My husband has a son from a previous relationship and a son with me.

Its my step sons birthday in a couple of weeks and he has asked for something expensive. It's about £450.

My husband can't afford to get the present DSS has asked for and instead of getting him something else he is saying I should pay half so that he can have it.

I can't really afford this right after Christmas not without dipping into some money I have saved recently for a specific reason.

The savings are for our sons birthday which is 3 weeks after DSS's and I have booked a few things for him and got him a few presents which are costing a bit more than usual but which I'm paying for. Admittedly I've probably gone a bit OTT but wanted to use it as an excuse to get family together as well and as I'm paying for it myself didn't think anything of it.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable as our son will have more spent on him and if I'm going to spend that much on DS, then DSS should be able to get what he wants for his birthday whereas I think it's unfortunate if DH can't afford it right now but it doesn't mean I should have to take away from what I've specifically saved for DS's birthday.

I do also have savings but I never go into that unless I absolutely have to and I don't think this is a reason to do so. DH could save if he wanted to but he never does.

Yes our finances are separate. We have a joint account for bills but I prefer to keep the rest separate personally as I just find we prioritise different things and this was the most comfortable way for us.

I don't mind contributing some toward DSS's birthday, I always do. But this is usually £30-40 not £200+

God this all sounds so petty and exhausting and akin to an arrangement I had with flatmates not husband/father of dc. Why are you not both paying for your joint son's birthday party & gifts? And surely the same goes for dss - he is part of your family too so it's a shared expense? And if dss wants such an expensive item that is unaffordable for you/your DH, then I'd be looking to split with his mum. It seems very unfair spending £450 on your ds and dss only gets £30 but I guess that's the reality of split finances.

I don't see anything wrong with what you are doing. Funds are coming from your own money. Why can't DH get his son a cheaper present and save for the thing he wants

It's the divisiveness of it and if you can't see that then I dont understand your point of view.

Separate finances will always mean there is a divide. It might be worth explaining this to the children of the family in an age appropriate manner. The 10 year old is plenty old enough to understand the concept of his father’s money is the money that provides presents and treats for him.

@tootiredtospeak

You can repeat No as many times as you like it's just your opinion. Like mine is my opinion. It doesnt make any difference what the other parent spends the child has 2 families and 2 houses through no choice of their own. That part is separate. It all depends on circumstances financial and otherwise. If you took both kids on holiday and the DH didnt have the money to eat a meal together as a family would you insist he went somewhere cheaper with his child and spent less money. It's the divisiveness of it and if you can't see that then I dont understand your point of view.

Yes they have two families but also only two parents, and no other family relations (including step parents) are obliged to contribute to the parents birthday gifts, it's CFery in the extreme.

When dining out with anyone, family or not, if one party couldn't afford it you would typically either offer to pay for them, or all go to a different restaurant, as the company is the point. It doesn't then follow that you would contribute to that person's presents for their kids, the analogy does not work.

It's not divisive to not pay for someone else's kids, that's gaslighting and manipulative. The expectations that people must do so, even if the kids father themselves doesn't even give equally to the two kids, is extremely unhealthy. That's why the three no's. It's frustrating that you are perpetuating this awful, toxic mindset as though it were morally superior.

I don't understand why your DH can't just tell his son he can't afford the present he wants? If I were you I'd offer to make a manageable contribution to DSS's present (not because he asked but because you might like to because he's your DSS) but based on what you can afford, not on his much your DH is asking for. Then let him either make up the difference or get something else with it and learn to say to his son that he can't afford it.

I agree that 450 is excessive but let's just say that they are spending 450 including party on the younger child then what is the issue. We spent 380 this year on our joint 5yr old DD she had presents and a party. On our joint 9yr old DS 300 on presents and no party but we did go away for the weekend and spent about 500 on everything overall. My 20yr old DS we spent about 100 as there wasnt much he wanted. Ths year he will have more as he is 21. The others wont have as much.... all family decisions. It's the divisiveness I hate....my kid your kid shit ask any stepchildren you know that are now adults and they will tell you they feel it.

It's your choice ultimately but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship like this. I echo earlier posters in that it doesn't seem like a family to me.

And surely the same goes for dss - he is part of your family too so it's a shared expense?

The faux surprise of comments like this are so deeply annoying 🙄

No it is not a shared expense. Being part of someone's family does not make them your child and your responsibility to pay for. It just makes them family.

So OK then op pays half. Next birthday dh will offer a 1k gift knowing op will pay half!? Meanwhile your joint dc gets a Poundland gift as that's all you can afford and dh won't pay in 50p.
Think now op. Stick to your guns.

@Willyoujustbequiet

It's your choice ultimately but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship like this. I echo earlier posters in that it doesn't seem like a family to me.

I'll ask my cousins, aunts and uncles and PIL for £200 and tell them it "just doesn't seem like a family to me" if they say no. That wouldn't be in the slightest bit manipulative.

If your dh is that bothered he'll find the money by way of credit card, loan etc. If you keep giving him subs from money set aside for your own child he'll keep relying on it. I find it odd that people think its acceptable that he should take away from your own child to give to his. I think the main disparity here is that your dh wants to spend £400+ on one child whereas he has only contributed £80 towards his youngest child. Something is very wrong here.

@Busybee5000

I’d be looking at whether the £450 present was reasonable and within what you’d usually spend. Not who pays for it. However, it seems remarkable unfair that your joint son gets a party and gifts and the SS can’t even have the gift he wants (assuming you can afford it). You say the SS doesn’t want a party, I get that, but equally he could and should have the same amount of money spent in other ways.

So when inevitably he wants an expensive mobile phone in the next few years we have to spend £600 odd on DS at Christmas too so that they have "the same money spent on them"?

I find that a bit silly personally.

It's your choice ultimately but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship like this. I echo earlier posters in that it doesn't seem like a family to me.

Doesn’t seem like family because op isn’t doing as she’s told?

It may well be manipulation in the OPs circumstances. I dont have a crystal ball to determine her relationship with her DH. My opinion that I am expressing is that I do not believe it correct to differentiate between stepchildren and biological children when it comes to spending family money. On clothes holidays food presents ect. It is fine to spend differently based on ages and circumstances but not purely on the fact that they arent your child. If you dont agree with me that's fine you are entitled to your opinion. We can agree to disagree but please dont insult me by suggesting I am perpetuating some sort of abusive behaviour, as there are plenty of families that combine finances and work in the way I am suggesting without a hint of financial abuse. There are others that clearly dont and that's why two divisive opinions are on here.

I agree that 450 is excessive but let's just say that they are spending 450 including party on the younger child then what is the issue

What do you mean "what's the issue?". It's quite clear the issue is money. I don't have the money (savings aside) to just buy DSS this expensive gift because DH hasn't been arsed to save up for it. I have saved up for our sons birthday, he should be in a better position to buy DSS this present because I've not asked him for half of the money toward our sons birthday.

He doesn't prioritise savings, well this is the issue. You don't save for things, you can't buy them. This is a long standing thing, I've encouraged him so many times to save, to prioritise things differently, to be organised for things like Christmas and birthdays but he won't. I'm not subsidising that forever. Why should I? He's a grown man.

I guess that's where I see it differently. It's not family money to me. It's my money, I kept it separate precisely so it wouldn't be seen as "family money" whenever he'd not bothered to save for something.

He's quite happy to have separate money when it means spending his on something he wants. It only ever becomes family money when he has none left to buy other things.

@tootiredtospeak

I agree that 450 is excessive but let's just say that they are spending 450 including party on the younger child then what is the issue. We spent 380 this year on our joint 5yr old DD she had presents and a party. On our joint 9yr old DS 300 on presents and no party but we did go away for the weekend and spent about 500 on everything overall. My 20yr old DS we spent about 100 as there wasnt much he wanted. Ths year he will have more as he is 21. The others wont have as much.... all family decisions. It's the divisiveness I hate....my kid your kid shit ask any stepchildren you know that are now adults and they will tell you they feel it.

The issue is SHE spent that. So even if we go by the assumption that both are OPs kids equally (which they're not) for equal to he spent on DSS she should be contributing a maximum of the £80, and DH contributing the rest. Otherwise she'd be funding 75% of all of the kids presents.

If grown up step kids feel hard done by for having to deal with the fact that they had step parents as a kid who were not responsible for them rather than four actual parents, then that's on the parents for deciding to split and get into new relationships, bringing that reality into their lives. Once they made that decision, that ship had sailed, because the fact is step parents are simply not responsible for this shit, only they are.

@tootiredtospeak

It may well be manipulation in the OPs circumstances. I dont have a crystal ball to determine her relationship with her DH. My opinion that I am expressing is that I do not believe it correct to differentiate between stepchildren and biological children when it comes to spending family money. On clothes holidays food presents ect. It is fine to spend differently based on ages and circumstances but not purely on the fact that they arent your child. If you dont agree with me that's fine you are entitled to your opinion. We can agree to disagree but please dont insult me by suggesting I am perpetuating some sort of abusive behaviour, as there are plenty of families that combine finances and work in the way I am suggesting without a hint of financial abuse. There are others that clearly dont and that's why two divisive opinions are on here.

Telling someone that if they don't contribute to your kids they are being divisive, immature and "not acting like a family" IS being manipulative and abusive. So yes, you are perpetuating that.

@tootiredtospeak

Also all those saying you shouldn't have to pay for your DH shit planning with money should be telling you not to take that out on a child. Be grown up and address it with him seperate to this issue. I am not saying a 10yr old should have 450 spent on them that's debatable but I would pay if you can afford it and then sit your DH down and say from now on you both agree weeks or months in advance a budget for both childrens birthdays contribute half each and stick to it. If then after plenty of fore warning he doesnt come up with anything for your joint childs Birthday then you have every right to be pissed but take it out on your DH not your stepson be the bigger person there.

How long do I be the bigger person for? This is an ongoing issue in regards to DHs disorganisation and not sharing the same priorities as me when it comes to money. It's something we've discussed many times and as I say, I used to repeatedly remind him/help him/even go out and buy sometimes, DSS's presents so it wouldn't be last minute and rushed. It never changed so I took a massive step back. I'm not just going to be guilted into being the bigger person forever 🤷‍♀️

@HappyGuppy

I guess that's where I see it differently. It's not family money to me. It's my money, I kept it separate precisely so it wouldn't be seen as "family money" whenever he'd not bothered to save for something.

He's quite happy to have separate money when it means spending his on something he wants. It only ever becomes family money when he has none left to buy other things.

Yes exactly. It's not "family money" its the extra spending money you have saved. He has chosen not to save and now wants you to subsidise.

Then you have a DH issue maybe work on that and dont spend it on your DSS. But do you really want a relationship like that...my kid your kid my money your money it sounds way too hard work. Maybe take seperate holidays have separate houses even. Maybe just seperate as that would be easier.... but then your kid might be the DSS going to see his dad who cant be arsed to save money towards his birthday and so he gets less then his new brothers and sisters. But that's okay as he still has you to spend on him to he wont notice. I dont get it but all my kids live with me so maybe it just feels different we dont do your money my money it all goes into one pot. Bill's are paid extra money is decided for birthdays Xmas ext and then what's left is split equally and is our money to do what we like.

I see both sides to this. I agree it's not ops responsibly to pay half of DSS gift, but I do think it's likely to cause division when one child gets so much more spent on them. I appreciate DSS has a mother, but I think it's slightly irrelevant in terms of what the children get from one household.
I think the problem here is your DH and his lack of saving/organisation and again whilst I don't think it's your responsibility to solve it op, I would personally feel very sorry for my DSS and probably try and do something about it.
But I think that a conversation needs to be had so that things are fairer moving forwards, it's not ok for him to spend more on DSS than your joint DS which is what is happening here, he is expecting you to pick up the slack so he can over indulge DSS.
Maybe show him the figures a PP posted and see how he comes to the conclusion that it's reasonable for you to cover the majority of birthday expenses.

His son's birthday is the same date every year - if he can't organise himself and save, it's not the OP's responsibility to do it for him! He's a cheeky fucker. I'd start asking him for half the costs of your joint child too. He shouldn't be offloading that responsibility onto the OP either!

All the people who are talking about divide and how the children should have the same spent on them. First of all I would be more willing to listen to your point of view if the father had paid a hefty amount towards his younger child’s birthday as well as his older child’s. But he hasn’t, so I’m really struggling with accepting that the op should pay anything substantial towards DSS’s birthday.

If you’re looking for someone to blame for this “divisiveness”, then start with the father.
You’re placing higher standards on to the stepmum and it’s a recurring theme on these types of threads and always with just stepchildren’s welfare in mind.

Sorry cross posted where you said you have had the conversation many times, I appreciate the frustration but I think it boils down to, remind DH and help him put in the effort/saving for DSS, so DSS has a good birthday or as you are doing take a step back let him sort it out and leave DSS with shit last minute gifts.
I know the right thing for you is to take a step back but I think the right thing to do for DSS is to remind DH so he has a better birthday. I personally would remind because that would be more important to me that trying to make DH take responsibility.
I do completely understand why you would choose to take a step back though.