AIBU for not paying toward birthday present?

[HappyGuppy]

My husband has a son from a previous relationship and a son with me.

Its my step sons birthday in a couple of weeks and he has asked for something expensive. It's about £450.

My husband can't afford to get the present DSS has asked for and instead of getting him something else he is saying I should pay half so that he can have it.

I can't really afford this right after Christmas not without dipping into some money I have saved recently for a specific reason.

The savings are for our sons birthday which is 3 weeks after DSS's and I have booked a few things for him and got him a few presents which are costing a bit more than usual but which I'm paying for. Admittedly I've probably gone a bit OTT but wanted to use it as an excuse to get family together as well and as I'm paying for it myself didn't think anything of it.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable as our son will have more spent on him and if I'm going to spend that much on DS, then DSS should be able to get what he wants for his birthday whereas I think it's unfortunate if DH can't afford it right now but it doesn't mean I should have to take away from what I've specifically saved for DS's birthday.

I do also have savings but I never go into that unless I absolutely have to and I don't think this is a reason to do so. DH could save if he wanted to but he never does.

Yes our finances are separate. We have a joint account for bills but I prefer to keep the rest separate personally as I just find we prioritise different things and this was the most comfortable way for us.

I don't mind contributing some toward DSS's birthday, I always do. But this is usually £30-40 not £200+

@tootiredtospeak

Then we will agree to disagree. You crack on but you asked on this forum for a reason so I dont believe you are truly comfortable with your reasoning. If you are get on with it you dont need strangers validation.

Your actually missing the point of this board. Sometimes people come to vent, she's not comfortable because her DH has been guilting and gaslighting her into paying more money for DSC than he's willing to pay for their joint child. Under the guise of "family money". So have some other posters which is clear that actually some of them have done this exact thing to their partners in reverse.

People are making to many excuses for dad and his poor decision making.

I couldnt be with someone who essentially used me as a ATM machine because They wanted to spend their money on them and then went oops sorry I forgot it was DSC birthday.

Can anyone tell me why it's fair DSC is having £230 spent on them and DC is having £80 by their own father ?

I am willing to bet someone's gonna come along and say it's because DC is younger so won't notice or some other type of bull.

Basically, your DSS needs to pick a cheaper present if the one he wants is out of your DH's budget.

It was my son's 21st recently and we told him we'd buy him a nice watch. The one he picked was extortionate. We told him so too and that we couldn't stretch to that!

@HappyGuppy

I don't like the idea of pooling finances. Knowing him and his priorities when it comes to money it's not something I want to do.

I also think he can spoil DSS at Christmas sometimes and has even said to me when I've questioned it in the past that it's none of my business so that's fine. I'm not just paying half for an amount in which I have no say over. If it's not my business that's fine, it's not my business 🤷‍♀️

1000000000000% agree OP.

This is the way isn't it - SPs expected to contribute but not have any control or even a say in what is actually purchased. This is why I don't chip in with my SCs presents anymore.

I thought we'd treat it as we would if they were our own children - discussing and choosing what to get, picking up little bits along the way - but that's not how my DP operates at all so I was basically just helping bankroll it all while essentially being told to keep my nose out. So now I do 🤷‍♀️

Why are people fine with the fact that he barely contributes for his own child with OP?????

Yet bashing her for not contributing to her SCs?

Why isn’t your OH able to explain to his son that the gift he has asked for is too expensive?
£450 is an insane amount of money to spend on a 10 year olds birthday. Adults need to explain these things to children otherwise you are setting them up to be equally crap with money in the future.

I can see why he’s someone’s ex...

I can’t believe you pay such a disproportionate amount for your shared child. It’s his child too and he’s just happy to sit back and watch you pay for so much more than him? He doesn’t sound great.

@LittleMysSister

Why are people fine with the fact that he barely contributes for his own child with OP?????

Yet bashing her for not contributing to her SCs?

Exactly

I can't get over how much people spend on their kid's birthdays. I have no idea how i could keep up. And im not a low earner.

£450 for a birthday present is absolutely ridiculous (especially as the father can’t afford it). Sometimes kids need to be told no.

Not your child, his mother & dad should pay.

I don’t pay for my SC’s presents. After years of then not being able to muster up a thank you without being pushed by their dad I stopped. When they learn some gratitude I may reconsider.

Op could you get dh to agree at the start of the year to both put x amount into the joint pot which will go equally toward birthdays/ Xmas?
Although it sound like money isn't usually the issue it's more the disorganisation.
Agree with other posters DH should see if mum is able to contribute, if not then DH can contribute but DSS needs to save up the rest. DH also shouldn't be relying on you to cover cost of your joint sons bday. Whatever he gives to DSS he should give to DS.

@CurtainTroubles I wouldn't be married to someone I couldn't trust, financially or otherwise. How people end up in complicated "blended family" arrangements with stepchildren and joint children when they clearly don't share values or trust each other never fails to amaze me. Unsurprisingly, it's shit for the children involved.

[quote sadpapercourtesan]**@CurtainTroubles* I wouldn't be* married to someone I couldn't trust, financially or otherwise. How people end up in complicated "blended family" arrangements with stepchildren and joint children when they clearly don't share values or trust each other never fails to amaze me. Unsurprisingly, it's shit for the children involved.[/quote]
People also don't want to be in a relationship or married with a cheater. It's shit for all involved. Especially the children, many don't know about the cheating until it's too late.

People do this because they are allowed to, often slipping into patterns of enablement.

Your virtue signally is boring at best. Please don't.

You should spend the same on your DS as your DSS. Keep it simple.

@InFiveMins

You should spend the same on your DS as your DSS. Keep it simple.

Ah that's that then, who could argue with something so logical and well explained!

@InFiveMins

You should spend the same on your DS as your DSS. Keep it simple.

I think this message is really for the dad - you meant he should spend the same on his two sons didn’t you?

@InFiveMins

You should spend the same on your DS as your DSS. Keep it simple.

Dad should spend the same roughly ideally. Obviously as DC is there full time and only have the one home they may need more spent on them.

There is no "should" about it when it comes to financing someone else's kids. Only "coulds".

Good lord. Haven’t RTFT, don’t think I need to based on some comments I can see referenced.

Firstly, whomever pedalled out the utter BS of ‘not marrying someone if I can’t trust them fully financially?. Grow up. This is a step parenting board indicating that it is highly likely for people that the first marriage/ relationship went south. I married someone I trusted whole heartedly, as did everyone I know. Zero red flags. Then he abused that trust. I was lucky that I had maintained separate bank accounts / some degree of Financial independence otherwise I would have been screwed. I will always tell people (especially those in blended situations. Maintain separate finances, it’s smart)

Second of all. IME the people who time and again talk about ‘pooled/ shared’ money are the people who are set to benefit. (Namely the people with less money or whose children benefit from a non parent paying towards their child). Early on in our relationship, My exp was like this, his money was to do with as he pleased (especially regards his children). Any questions around retirement planning / saving from me were met with extremely hostile responses (my finances are not your business).

I shrugged and vowed to never ever mix finances or households with someone unable to have adult financial planning conversations. Then years later as my finances continued to do well as his depleted, the rhetoric changed to ‘when we get older will we pool our resources?’. I laughed so hard in response (not even going to lie). When it suited him, his money was his. Then when it also suited him, my money was his.

Finally OP. Your DSS’s hobby/ expensive present/ parents not buying presents together is not your issue. Nor is it your issue that a grown ass man cannot financially plan accordingly.

You are already more than picking up his slack regards your joined child. Savings are not spare money. Savings are emergency funds - birthday presents do not meet that criteria I imagine for most people.

My money is not there for others peoples children, especially then those children have two other parents. The presents will only get more expensive. Guard your financials, keep your financial security. Your priorities are spot on.

Yep. Dad spends equally on his 2 children, Mum spends respectively on her own child/ren, step parent contributes to gift for the child/ren who are part of their family

[quote sadpapercourtesan]**@CurtainTroubles* I wouldn't be* married to someone I couldn't trust, financially or otherwise. How people end up in complicated "blended family" arrangements with stepchildren and joint children when they clearly don't share values or trust each other never fails to amaze me. Unsurprisingly, it's shit for the children involved.[/quote]
Polish that 🙄
What a judgemental post 🙄

@sadpapercourtesan. Polish that 😇 even

InFiveMins

You should spend the same on your DS as your DSS. Keep it simple.

I think this message is really for the dad - you meant he should spend the same on his two sons didn’t you?

Exactly @timeisnotaline

Not sure why OP is expected to finances 75%+ of these gifts for the children.

Her DH has contributed £80 for their joint child yet wants to spend at least £225 on his older child with OP picking up the other half. How is that equality?

DS presents from DM £225 from DD £225

DSS presents DSM £225 DD £225 DM £225
Child 1 receives £450
Child 2 receives £675
How is that fair on child 1 ?
This is how most people are trying to tell OP it should be shared out to make it fair . No it's not , 2 parents should buy child1 presents and 2 parents should be paying for child 2 presents . OP should stick to her guns .