SC having Christmas twice

[WhoisRebecca]

DH and I have the SC this year for Christmas. They are here tonight until Boxing Day and it has been court ordered that Christmas will alternate each year so that the dc get Christmas with each parent. It went to court because dc's mother was obstructing contact and had actually never let DH have them at Christmas.

So she has now made today 'her' Christmas Day. The children were told that yesterday was Christmas Eve at mummy's and this morning Santa came and they will have their full Christmas lunch before coming to us for actual Christmas Eve. I can't help thinking it takes the shine off Christmas Day for them as it happens twice and also the SC now believe that they are the only children in the world for whom Santa comes twice a year. I know this seems a bit petty - but I think when you split up, you have to accept that Christmas is shared from then on.

I think you can construct whatever happy tale you like, and kids will go along with it - merrily suspending disbelief, providing there is cake and presents as a result! You may even get a surreptitious wink from the 9 year old as they embroider your tale for the younger one.

Look around other cultures and borrow their happy stuff. Throwing paint, fireworks, flying huge kites - whatever. The best form of revenge is a life lived well.

We've always celebrated the day or so before xmas and then whichever parent has xmas day does the 2nd xmas. Neither parent has any issue with this and just said santa visits both homes. The santa we visited even said he was visiting us on the 23rd this year as thats when both sets of grandparents could be here. We had many years where DP was not allowed DSS until the court order was in place. Now we're of the mentality that Christmas can be any day in the season and its what you make it is what matters. Enjoy your Christmas. No matter what it'll be very different to the "1st" one and will be special for you all.

They get 2 Christmas days as young kids…surely a win for them 🤣

Santa always came to both my house and my ex's. The difference was we split Xmas day so he came on the same day to each house.

The fact your DP had to get a court order to share Christmas is horrible and doesn't reflect well on his ex at all.

I would leave her to her traditions when the children are with her and make your own traditions.

My children are with their dad tomorrow and we did a full Xmas dinner today with my family before they went to Dads. I don't think it spoils anything for my kids day tomorrow.

@Electricelf

You are definitely wrong and you sound bitter and competitive. Every single child i know who has a step family has two of every special occasion.

Oh fgs please rtft. The issue isn't about having 2 Christmases. OP has said that over and over! The issue is that their mum has withheld them and this is the first year their dad has been able to have them for Christmas. Only to find that she's already done the big day with them. It's a spiteful move, designed to take the shine off the actual day.

Most kids have their 2nd Christmas after the real one, Boxing Day or a later day.

OP you don't sound bitter at all. I understand entirely (as both mum and SM). Enjoy your day.

Holy mother of god - the SM have a dig t the EX brigade are out on this forum this Xmas.

Just enjoy the fact tht it is Xmas and the kids enjoy it

Hope you are having a lovely Christmas OP. Sorry your DP has had to miss seeing the DSC on previous years, that sounds awful. I'm not surprised that there are hurt feelings lingering.

I think when they are older, the DSC will remember how both parents did something lovely for them. At the end of the day, santa etc is just a way for parents to make some fun for the little ones, and I am sure they will appreciate that you had a lovely day together. The fact that they also had a lovely day with their mum before will not take away from that.

@uneffingbelievable

Holy mother of god - the SM have a dig t the EX brigade are out on this forum this Xmas.

Just enjoy the fact tht it is Xmas and the kids enjoy it

.....really?

So you think she's behaved acceptably then keeping them away from their dad? Only letting him have them because of a court order?

If you do maybe higher your standards.

Two Christmases is surely one of the consolation prizes for coming from a broken home?

(I speak as an ex stepchild and stepmum)

depends on the home(s).

hope you're having a lovely Christmas, OP 🥂

I think the norm is celebrating after the kids return doing it before does feel like one man upship

@uneffingbelievable

Holy mother of god - the SM have a dig t the EX brigade are out on this forum this Xmas.

Just enjoy the fact tht it is Xmas and the kids enjoy it

What opposed to every single thread and time any SP posts on here 😒Ah I forget the rules are different for what's acceptable for one and not another.... anyway

What OP has put here wouldn't be a thing for me personally (as who doesn't like two Christmases the kids won't be scarred for life) , HOWEVER I have never had to deal with a ex spiteful enough for the courts to have to intervene before they ever get to have SC for Christmas and contact messed around that badly on this level.

I'm not sure I'm pretentious enough to say I wouldn't be a bit on guard for sly behaviour based on past behaviour and I doubt many would be able to say that honestly either.

She had a human reaction. Give over. And merry Christmas 🎄

She is doing what she thinks is best for her children, as any good parent would. She doesn’t get to spend Christmas Day with her children this year. If this is the best way she has come up with to still enjoy Christmas with her children then all good. Let her be. Enjoy your Christmas your way and let her do the same.

We had a lovely day - thanks all. We are having another festive meal today with relatives, so I’ll be the size of a house soon!

Yes - the two Christmases is not an issue at all, it was the doing it all identically the day before when DH hasn’t had many opportunities to have the day that I thought was a bit of a shame.

I don’t really feel sorry for her not having them on Christmas Day this year when DH had one Christmas not knowing where his dc were. I know that’s not a nice sentiment, but I am human. I’m happy the kids are happy though :)

It was lovely this year actually as the SC visited my family and I really feel like we are all one big happy family. Blending families is a process and I think we are creating lots of shared memories together.

Sorry name change fail there!

@Electricelf

You are definitely wrong and you sound bitter and competitive. Every single child i know who has a step family has two of every special occasion.

@Electricelf maybe try actually reading the thread before you start defending the actions of a bitter ex wife who denies her children access to their father and is clearly focussed on passive-aggressive one-upmanship. It makes you look bitter and petty too

I think you are completely wrong! Why can't their mother celebrate Christmas with their children? It's not fair at all as you well know!

My SC stay the night before Christmas Eve we make it our Christmas Day on Christmas Eve and make it as special as possible. Then on the night of Christmas Eve they go home and do it all again. There are few perks to step families but this is one! Don't be the Christmas grinch let them love Christmas it's not a competition

Yes @Littlepaws18 I have not suggested the mother cannot celebrate Christmas with her children.

@Atypicaldancer

We had a lovely day - thanks all. We are having another festive meal today with relatives, so I’ll be the size of a house soon!

Yes - the two Christmases is not an issue at all, it was the doing it all identically the day before when DH hasn’t had many opportunities to have the day that I thought was a bit of a shame.

I don’t really feel sorry for her not having them on Christmas Day this year when DH had one Christmas not knowing where his dc were. I know that’s not a nice sentiment, but I am human. I’m happy the kids are happy though :)

It was lovely this year actually as the SC visited my family and I really feel like we are all one big happy family. Blending families is a process and I think we are creating lots of shared memories together.

This was my post (with a name change fail) which I think explains my thought process.

I'm happy the kids are happy.

I agree she shouldn't have done it first. It's your year.

@PinkandGreenWaterBottle

My DD gets two santa visits, we explain it as him being a bit silly and not knowing which house she's sleeping at so he leaves presents at both just to be sure.

She doesn't seem scarred or upset by it, in fact she loves it!

That's what a lot of people do. But Santa is delivering on just one day, not on 3 separate days.

OP she sounds very bitter and out to get your DH in whatever way she can. I'd be willing to bet when it's her year for Christmas day that she will refuse to let them come before Christmas and have presents at your house, and will only let them come after Christmas.

That should say 2 separate days, not 3. Confusing! Sorry!

She has no choice about when they come as the court order is very clear. If there were any choice they wouldn't come at all.

This situation I think is probably fairly unusual. Every single aspect of contact has to be court ordered, from video calls, to sharing of medical and school information, to who can be present during handovers.

If anything is not explicitly stated in the order, it does not happen. DH can't speak to his dc on their birthdays, because a birthday Skype call is not in the order. If we want to take the dc to a family wedding and it's not a day when he normally has them, it can't happen.

Even the court order itself was initially ignored and DH had to go back to court. The judge was clearly frustrated (I've read the transcripts) at the intransigence and lack of any flexibility.