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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

It would ruin my relationship if my step children ever lived with us

393 replies

PickledOnionsOnToast · 19/12/2021 21:45

I just had to say that.

Does anyone else feel that way?

I don't think about it often but when I do I genuinely can't envisage ever wanting to stay in my marriage if my step children had to come and live with us full time.

I could honestly not be doing with being "mum" to both my DC and my SC and all that entails and I doubt very much I would ever be happy with the situation.

OP posts:
WrongWayApricot · 20/12/2021 12:00

Again, these conversations always revert to law. I don't think of my family in terms of what I'm legally required to do. I would help my husband look after his mum if she needed it, I would accept my husband's children in my home if their mum died. In my very first post I said just because you can legally leave any relationship doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. I would not marry someone if I wasn't prepared to do these family obligations. If I wanted to just have a lover then why would I need to become a family with him through marriage. Pointing out to me that step mums aren't legally required to be responsible for their step children doesn't make me think differently.

Yes I've seen you say you don't want to do the same for your SC that you do for your DC. I don't know why you think I haven't read that? Your posts have not been about if DH didn't take a more active parenting role you'll leave. It's if your SC move in full time you'll leave. If you SC are ever in the position of needing much more support you'll add another issue to the mix. You won't sensibly plan ahead and have discussions ahead of time about what will or won't be expected of the adults. You'll wait for the most vulnerable moment and then take away your support. Because you can.

I'm out too, thank you.

BeyondOurReef · 20/12/2021 12:06

You are right @candlelightsatdawn.

And there’s some ridiculous idea that you are supposed to foresee all the ways it might be very difficult in the future. All those things that (some mixture of):

  1. Are things that parents endure in their own children and use that big cushion of unconditional love for their children to get them through it. The parents are sympathised with when they complain that their children are unbelievably difficult right now. But you just have to take the medicine without the spoonful of sugar. And aren’t allowed to even hint that it’s unpleasant.
  1. Were things that were acceptable or understandable in the young children you met and you quite reasonably assumed that they would grow out of. Yet you find yourself years later dealing with a much older child whose parents have failed to parent through things and the behaviours have persisted or deteriorated. For example, you thought that the need to have daddy sleep with them might just be because they’re 4 (and it’s a process of adjustment and all the other ways you try to be really understanding about it). Now you’ve got a 13 year old who throws a massive strop if daddy won’t sleep in her bed with her and you in no way could have imagined any parent was going to let it come to this.
  1. Some event or events seemed to trigger Disney dad mode in a man who had previously been a rational human being. So now you find yourself living in an every other weekend nightmare.

But, hey, you should have known all this in advance. And you shouldn’t have married a man with children if you weren’t willing to be utterly delighted about the effects of nonresident fathering over time.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 20/12/2021 12:07

@WrongWayApricot so what do you think about first marriages breaking up then? That wrong or not? Because step families wouldn't even exist if the first marriage didn't break up.

BeyondOurReef · 20/12/2021 12:11

[quote Getyourarseofffthequattro]@WrongWayApricot so what do you think about first marriages breaking up then? That wrong or not? Because step families wouldn't even exist if the first marriage didn't break up.[/quote]
Obviously it’s either;

  1. Completely reasonable for her to have left him. It’s ridiculous that she should be miserable. Happy mum, happy child and all that.

Or

  1. She had no choice in it and is a victim of the philandering bastard that is her ex. He’s evil and awful.
candlelightsatdawn · 20/12/2021 12:17

You'll wait for the most vulnerable moment and then take away your support. Because you can

Ok with that logic first families who split up a once perfect home and take away all the established support that has been there for years should be shamed too ?

I mean I would get this if your religion or morals just didn't agree with divorce or splitting up of any kind. Fine. But the rules have to apply both ways.

But if mum is still in picture and not dead, why would leaving DSC with their other parent be moral judgement on SP. When SP didn't cause any of the issues in the first place ?

candlelightsatdawn · 20/12/2021 12:22

@BeyondOurReef that's literally the only two narratives I have seen tbh. No one takes accountability for any emotional fallout and it's dumped at SP door.

Before anyone jumps me, I split with my ex DH. He did cheat, but he wasn't and isn't the devil and since we both created our DD we are both responsible for repairing the emotional fallout with our DD. This isn't something anyone else has responsibility to fix

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 20/12/2021 12:25

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@SleepOhHowIMissYou I'm not sure where you read a personal attack on you. Since my first comment wasn't directed at you, but then you started saying I was triggered and it was clearly close to my home ?

But your right personal attacks are more a reflection on that person...

Odd flex but you rock on. [/quote]
I don't believe I have suggested on here that you need a drink, nor have I ridiculed other's opinions by mocking and turning them into a game of bingo. Hope that helps.

WrongWayApricot · 20/12/2021 12:27

[quote Getyourarseofffthequattro]@WrongWayApricot so what do you think about first marriages breaking up then? That wrong or not? Because step families wouldn't even exist if the first marriage didn't break up.[/quote]
If a husband or wife left because they found that being a parent wasn't making them happy, yes I think it's wrong. Like I said before if OP was leaving because her DH wasn't being a good enough parent or husband i don't think it's wrong. But she thinks he's fine as a parent and a husband unless his SC move in. If OP said if SC move in DH has to take on much more active parenting or I'm out I'd support that too. It's the SC moving in would make me unhappy so I'd divorce DH who I'm perfectly happy with otherwise and couldn't possibly fathom another way that concerns me.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 20/12/2021 12:28

@SleepOhHowIMissYou the bingo isn't ridiculing others "opinions" it's about how predictably bitter and nasty some posters are.

It's boring. We all know how many ex wives feel and frankly we don't need their shitty projection because it helps nobody including them.

WrongWayApricot · 20/12/2021 12:30

@candlelightsatdawn

You'll wait for the most vulnerable moment and then take away your support. Because you can

Ok with that logic first families who split up a once perfect home and take away all the established support that has been there for years should be shamed too ?

I mean I would get this if your religion or morals just didn't agree with divorce or splitting up of any kind. Fine. But the rules have to apply both ways.

But if mum is still in picture and not dead, why would leaving DSC with their other parent be moral judgement on SP. When SP didn't cause any of the issues in the first place ?

I don't agree people should divorce because they don't want to be a parent, step or otherwise. I don't have a problem with her leaving her DH, I have a problem with her leaving DH only if the SC move in.
bubbleblower85 · 20/12/2021 12:31

@LoveGrooveDancePartyGrin

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 20/12/2021 12:34

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Your own experience is no less valid than mine simply because I have a different view than you.

What's your experience of being a step parent? @SleepOhHowIMissYou

From the viewpoint of being the unwanted step child. Which answers the question about why some on here say "what about the children"? Learned experience.

I am happy to share my learned experience. This learned experience means that I am unlikely to put my own personal happiness above that of my own children.

I certainly wouldn't ever suggest someone stay with a partner who is abusive but childhood is short and I would tolerate a great deal if it meant my own children didn't experience what I did as a step child.

Original poster
PickledOnionsOnToast · 20/12/2021 12:35

Again WrongWay, I believe you've either purposefully or accidentally misunderstood me.

I believe the SC moving in would cause issues in my relationship which would eventually lead me to be unhappy in it.

I would have no judgement of you if your husbands mother moving in when she needed extra care but strain on your relationship in certain ways which eventually lead to you no longer being happy in it.

It's not solely about the SC or mother or whoever moving in, it's the issues I envisage it causing between me and DH that would then lead to an unhappy relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
PickledOnionsOnToast · 20/12/2021 12:37

[quote BungleandGeorge]@PickledOnionsOnToast
I understand what you’re saying now. Before you got married/ had children with him you imagined that he might take a more active role, but now you see that you’d most likely be doing the majority of parenting for all of them. Yep, mistake lots of us make, can’t blame you for that. I’m a step on and am very clear that I don’t want young step children in any future live in relationship. Benefit of hindsight and all that![/quote]
This which a PP said back on page 3 is precisely my worry and what I believe would cause issues for us.

OP posts:
SleepOhHowIMissYou · 20/12/2021 12:37

[quote Getyourarseofffthequattro]@SleepOhHowIMissYou the bingo isn't ridiculing others "opinions" it's about how predictably bitter and nasty some posters are.

It's boring. We all know how many ex wives feel and frankly we don't need their shitty projection because it helps nobody including them.[/quote]
I'm not an ex-wife. You are making assumptions that fit with your own opinion here.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 20/12/2021 12:38

@SleepOhHowIMissYou I'm not because I never claimed the bingo was for you did I?

BeyondOurReef · 20/12/2021 12:41

From the viewpoint of being the unwanted step child. Which answers the question about why some on here say "what about the children"? Learned experience.

Bring a stepchild gives you precisely no insight into stepparenting. I know because I was a SC and I am a SM.

It’s like claiming that having been to school means you know what it’s like to be a teacher. And screech ‘won’t anyone think of the children’ if teachers dare to discuss the difficulties of that on MN.

candlelightsatdawn · 20/12/2021 12:48

Let me help you..

No personal means directly linked to person.

You haven't been on this board long if you haven't seen SM bingo played before but then you aren't a step mum so it kinda furthers my point about you commenting on things you have 0 experience of, stating it as law and getting very upset when people disagree, turning to personal attacks then having the audacity to say your being personally attacked and calling people triggered 🤯

🤦🏼‍♀️ My first post wasn't at you, you could have scrolled by, you didn't so you engaged, and made personal digs at me, specifically ; so I suggested wine because who doesn't like wine (maybe that was a wrong assumption egh 🤷🏼‍♀️) because you did and still seem upset with someone pointing out these statements in their perspective are ridiculous.

You already stated that you felt all the statements what I posted were true,and felt ridiculed by my one post (not sent @ you to upset or hurt your feelings) sent because I feel like those statements are ridiculous and untrue in my and others perspective and it's the internet, the Wild West of opinions. Comments which I mentioned also don't answer OPs question which was targeted at SM and about their feelings. It's defection at best to when a SM can't even ask for other SM opinions without people coming along to remind her of the SC, like she's forgotten them or is some type of monster.

You can argue to your blue in the face but you know it's a bit like advice I take it from people who actually have experience in the field in which their operating.

WrongWayApricot · 20/12/2021 12:51

Then it's not as happy and compatible now as you make it out to be. It's your DH's role as a father that is a problem and is not directly related to being a step mum or having SC move in. More than likely a different major life change will happen with a similar outcome.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 20/12/2021 12:53

@WrongWayApricot

Then it's not as happy and compatible now as you make it out to be. It's your DH's role as a father that is a problem and is not directly related to being a step mum or having SC move in. More than likely a different major life change will happen with a similar outcome.
Of course it's directly related Confused
candlelightsatdawn · 20/12/2021 12:54

@SleepOhHowIMissYou also I'm a step child too. The experiences are completely separate and my blended childhood wasn't a dream either. I'm also a DM 🤷🏼‍♀️ I would never say I have every perspective covered either.

motheroflions · 20/12/2021 12:56

@BeyondOurReef

From the viewpoint of being the unwanted step child. Which answers the question about why some on here say "what about the children"? Learned experience.

Bring a stepchild gives you precisely no insight into stepparenting. I know because I was a SC and I am a SM.

It’s like claiming that having been to school means you know what it’s like to be a teacher. And screech ‘won’t anyone think of the children’ if teachers dare to discuss the difficulties of that on MN.

`yeah I know right....how dare Sc have a viewpoint on what its like to be an unwanted step child.

I mean who gives a shit if the kids know they are not welcome in the house - step parents didn't ask for them to be born first right?..

Woodmarsh · 20/12/2021 12:57

My ex and I didn't have kids but lived together. There was always the unlikely possibility that his mother might want to move in with us when elderly. I wouldn't want that but would have crossed that bridge IF and when I came to it.

Luckily the likelihood of the kids mother dying and them coming to live here is low so on balance it's a risk worth taking to be with OH

trigo · 20/12/2021 13:03

I swear there's a thread like this once a week. What do you want from this thread, op? Validation or a fight?

Original poster
PickledOnionsOnToast · 20/12/2021 13:09

@trigo

I swear there's a thread like this once a week. What do you want from this thread, op? Validation or a fight?
Are they the only two options?

Please do feel free not to click and engage if the thread doesn't interest you.

OP posts: