It would ruin my relationship if my step children ever lived with us

[PickledOnionsOnToast]

I just had to say that.

Does anyone else feel that way?

I don't think about it often but when I do I genuinely can't envisage ever wanting to stay in my marriage if my step children had to come and live with us full time.

I could honestly not be doing with being "mum" to both my DC and my SC and all that entails and I doubt very much I would ever be happy with the situation.

yeah I know right....how dare Sc have a viewpoint on what its like to be an unwanted step child.

I mean who gives a shit if the kids know they are not welcome in the house - step parents didn't ask for them to be born first right?..

Stepparenting threads are always full of projection from people who were ‘unwanted’ SC. And who cannot seem to blame their father when their SM is such a convenient target.

Being an ‘unwanted SC’ doesn’t give you any insight into how things might be for a stepparent. Just as having been a child doesn’t mean you know what parenting will be like or properly understand many things about it until you are actually in the situation.

Do posters actually think that ‘won’t anyone think of the (step) children?’ is a useful comment? Because there’s no way that SMs would ever have considered the stepchildren. No way.

They are posting here away from that life where they spend so much time putting their needs last and hiding how they feel about things. No one is perfect, but it’s ridiculous in the extreme to imagine that the aren’t aware that children might not like it if they feel unwanted.

@PickledOnionsOnToast I didn't say I wasn't interested, but there are loads of threads similar to this, clearly people do feel the same, so what do you want from this thread?

@trigo I suspect the OP just wanted to know if she was alone with this thought crossing her mind from other step mums...

Whether it's something others had considered, what angles they take, if the situation would change I'd say DM was still in picture vs maternal death. If anyone had had this happen and it turn out better or worse than expected.

I don't imagine she needed reminding about her SC or shaming. Although par for the course here. And in the middle of some fairly nasty comments stepmums have been sharing, despite the people then attacking those comments.

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@SleepOhHowIMissYou also I'm a step child too. The experiences are completely separate and my blended childhood wasn't a dream either. I'm also a DM 🤷🏼‍♀️ I would never say I have every perspective covered either. [/quote]
None of us do. Which is why considering a different viewpoint can help.

I have posted nothing about the step kids here, instead I have posted about the affect that the OP's proposed actions will have on her own child if she followed this course of action.

My own life experience means I would likely suck it up for the sake of my child. Her life experience is different to mine so perhaps she had not considered the perspective that she risks making her own child that unwelcome step child in both her own and her husband's future relationships? Or perhaps she had considered this but feels it's a risk she'd still take. Presumably that is why people post for advice on Mumsnet, to get well rounded advice and perhaps take on another perspective?

As for 'screeching "what about the children"', is that really how you're reading my posts?

[quote trigo]@PickledOnionsOnToast I didn't say I wasn't interested, but there are loads of threads similar to this, clearly people do feel the same, so what do you want from this thread? [/quote]
Ooh I dunno a discussion?

@BeyondOurReef I do very much blame my father and have been no contact for many years.

This thread makes me wonder if there should be a step kids board? This area should a supportive area for step parents but there are actually a lot of ex step kids venting in it, is that because they don't have a space of their own?

@Woodmarsh

This thread makes me wonder if there should be a step kids board? This area should a supportive area for step parents but there are actually a lot of ex step kids venting in it, is that because they don't have a space of their own?

For me it's to provide a different perspective. Echo chambers do no-one any good.

No I can see that but it defeats the point of this being a supportive area for step parents

I'm not a stepchild but I was an 'unwanted' child. My mother loved me & cared for me but I was the last of 7. She was over 40 when she had me & she was wrecked - like so many other women of her generation.
My relationship with her caused me a lot of distress as a teenager & young adult. She hadn't the energy to give me the attention I felt I deserved & I was very lonely in my upbringing.
As I attended therapy & became a mother myself I began to 'get over' myself & I came to realise that I had judged her way too harshly. She was doing her very best - but at times that hadn't been good enough for me. My mother is now passed away but I feel I owe her a large apology.
Being a child can be hard. Being a teenager can be hard. Being a young adult can be hard. Being a parent can be hard. Being a step parent can be hard. We are all only human & life is never going to be a Sainsburys Christmas ad. At some point we all (bar very serious neglect & abuse) have to stop blaming the adults in our lives for things not being perfect as we grew up.
I'm not sure when parenthood became so pressurised & judged. When did it happen that we all decided that parents & step parents should be put on pedestals of perfection? Whey did we all decide that the absolute happiness of all children became 100% dependent on all adults never putting a foot wrong? And when did we decide that as adults we should take no responsibility for our feelings & just keep living in past narratives?
All this hand wringing drives me nuts. Oh but think of the children being banged out day in & day out is not real life. Real life is messy and often hard & that's something we all (including children) have to get used to because if we don't grasp that essential tenet we just grow up entitled, lacking in empathy & completely lacking in resilience.

@SleepOhHowIMissYou ok so your misunderstanding my original comment and there's a crossed wire here. All those comments are the same things that are said repeatedly on every nearly post on step-parenting board no matter the topic even when it's literally not related. By the same users who find it funny to kick people when down usually from the first wives club. It's so boring that it's almost turned into a game such as bingo because those comments are used to take the voice of a SM and smother it in shame. Honestly watch the board, you will see the same users, same comments regardless of topic. All the time and it diverts from actually giving critical advice.

This post in my eyes wasn't about a DH being a twit or SC being what I usually think are just children behaviours .

The OP was asking simply hey other SM what would you do if this happened ? Am I alone thinking this way ?

So much of a step parents life is actually pretending you have no feelings, to the benefit of everyone else and many myself included are happy with this but do have limits . I think on a human level everyone should have a place to come and go hey I'm feeling x ? Normal ? Or vent but people turn it into a shaming contest like a SP would have forgotten about DSC or expect a SM to act with unrealistic standards that no one could achieve.

It's a gig that sometimes people set up to fail and sometimes it seems rigged from the start. I have seen some really cruel comments on this board, from people who angry at their own situation and project (I'm not referring or implying this is case with you in anyway.) I realise words can be interpreted differently so I want to be clear on that point.

Would I sign up for it all again, honestly I'm not sure but there's no way I could have known the issues I would face even with being a SC, nor could I have predicted how much joy SDC have brought into my life. People's tolerance levels are different, people should be ok to say ok I tried and I can't hack it without shame.
Most SP know because of their position actually how damaged their SC are, and I have yet barring one or two OPs (who were ridiculous) how have taken those issues flippantly.

Hindsight is a beautiful thing, it's also a absolute 🛎 end.

For me it's to provide a different perspective. Echo chambers do no-one any good.

There’s a difference between an echo chamber and loads of former SC and first wives wandering in to project everywhere and tell everyone to ‘think of the children’.

@Woodmarsh

This thread makes me wonder if there should be a step kids board? This area should a supportive area for step parents but there are actually a lot of ex step kids venting in it, is that because they don't have a space of their own?

I have thought this tbf but I suspect there wouldn't be the interest or volume (not because there aren't SC how need to chat) because to heal some wounds need air, SC need to hear the other side. Even if it's painful as adults although with all the nasty comments from ex wives club on here, I doubt much of the SMs voices are heard above the clatter.

Many I suspect any have only had the perspective of their DM/DM and don't need further people pushing them into the pain by echoing the thought taught in childhood.

That said I had some really interesting views on step parents before I became a SM. Hahahahah omg that was a bigger shock to my system, realising actually my SM wasn't the devil and actually as a adult I needed to hold dear dad to account.

Really wonder if USA does better on MH in these cases.

Beyond Reef - what part of this do you not get.

If OP makes the decision to leave with his2 youngest DCs because he wants his eldest 2 DCs to live with him FT - irrespective of the OPs reasoning.

Then he is being put in the position of making a decision - save my marriage or sacrifice it. If he chooses to dump his two eldest DCs to save his marriage then who is the winner here - no one.

Impossibly sad situation should it arise and I feel for everyone - you jsut seem to think that what ever the mother decides is right and the best way. For him it is an absolutely impossible situation, where he does have to make a decision. Your refusal to see anything but the SMs position is ignoring the fell effects of any decision made in this situation. The SM/DM does not own it but is an integral part of the jigsaw - you see it as she is empowered and doing the right thing for her and her DCS -so the rest is irrelevant and it just is not that simple.

Then he is being put in the position of making a decision - save my marriage or sacrifice it. If he chooses to dump his two eldest DCs to save his marriage then who is the winner here - no one.

Black and white thinking. Chill and expand your mind. There are other possibilities, which can be worked on if the situation should ever occur. Part of being a step-parent is honing your lateral thinking skills. They will be required. Guaranteed.

@uneffingbelievable

Beyond Reef - what part of this do you not get.

If OP makes the decision to leave with his2 youngest DCs because he wants his eldest 2 DCs to live with him FT - irrespective of the OPs reasoning.

Then he is being put in the position of making a decision - save my marriage or sacrifice it. If he chooses to dump his two eldest DCs to save his marriage then who is the winner here - no one.

Impossibly sad situation should it arise and I feel for everyone - you jsut seem to think that what ever the mother decides is right and the best way. For him it is an absolutely impossible situation, where he does have to make a decision. Your refusal to see anything but the SMs position is ignoring the fell effects of any decision made in this situation. The SM/DM does not own it but is an integral part of the jigsaw - you see it as she is empowered and doing the right thing for her and her DCS -so the rest is irrelevant and it just is not that simple.

He's not in the position of having to make a decision. If op leaves, she's left. That's it. His only decision is when to see his younger dc, surely.

Then he is being put in the position of making a decision - save my marriage or sacrifice it. If he chooses to dump his two eldest DCs to save his marriage then who is the winner here - no one.

As @SpaceshiptoMars pints out, there are other possibilities.

But boiled down to your either/or, he does not have a decision. His wife has decided to end the marriage. He has nothing to decide. The assumption is that his children are his default, no one would be asking him to change anything about that. But his wife would have decided that she was not going to stay in the marriage. If one person chooses to leave, they are making that decision for you.

His role there is about making contact arrangements for their shared children and organising a fair financial settlement.

What part of that is so difficult to grasp?

I’m really that some people are so against the thought of you leaving for the sole reason being dsc moving in full time if they ever did.
What do they want you to do, suck it up and be a full time stepmum when you don’t want to be? Yeah, because that’s really in everyone’s best interests isn’t it? Cue threads about you struggling and people (maybe the same people) piling in saying what a horrid woman you are.

Someone upthread said you would do it just because you can. Well, yes. You can. You can opt out of being a stepmum whenever you want. It isn’t a contract that you’re stuck in.

You get one life. If you would want to end your relationship and concentrate on you and your dc if dsc moved in then that’s exactly what you’re entitled to do.

@Woodmarsh

No I can see that but it defeats the point of this being a supportive area for step parents

I feel my posts are supportive in a "have you considered this?" way.

OP has had plenty of people in here who say they feel the same. She's not alone. Therefore, knowing this, it's even more important to consider the impact of her proposed actions before putting her own child through a divorce and them potentially becoming part of perhaps two blended families.

As I said before, childhood is short and you have to weigh up the pros and cons as actions have consequences.

@BeyondOurReef

For me it's to provide a different perspective. Echo chambers do no-one any good.

There’s a difference between an echo chamber and loads of former SC and first wives wandering in to project everywhere and tell everyone to ‘think of the children’.

Except I haven't said that have I? I have said think of your own child and the impact this will have on them. Use your experience as a Step Mum to decide if this is what you want for your child. After all, it's the thought of caring 100% of the time for step kids that makes the OP want to leave but in return she'll lose 50% of the time she has now with her child due to shared custody so what's the gain?

@Magda72 I actually had the opposite experience to you. Becoming a parent made me realise that the problem was very much with my father and not me. I had maintained contact with him until my first baby was born and it was the love I felt for them that made me realise that I shouldn't be working so hard for this man to love me. I realised that parental love is not conditional.

Perspective can be useful, and feeling opposite to you doesn't negate your experience in any way. We are all products of our own circumstance.

I think the post is an honest statement of one person 's perspective on the boundaries that they are willing to place around their relationship. If they are honest in their relationship with their spouse, then hopefully they have shared their honest feelings and intentions with him.

It is not unlike people who might say, if my spouse becomes seriously ill, I will likely end the relationship because I do not feel equipped to handle a serious illness.

Some realizations should be shared openly with partners. They too should get to decide if they wish to remain in a relationship with a partner who has those feelings or intentions.

There is nothing wrong with knowing your own limitations. It is less than honest not to be up front with your partner about those limitations and intentions.

I think it’s very manipulative to use the OP’s child as a reason for to stay with her husband.

I was a stepmum once and it’s been 2 years since I ended my relationship with my children’s father. I think being a stepmum in the past has taught me a lot about unrealistic expectations put on to people in that role and why we shouldn’t be all gobsmacked when someone decides enough is enough. I’m not afraid of my children potentially having a stepmum at some point. The thought of my children having a stepmum didn’t keep me “in my place” as a stepmum myself. I was confident enough to know that my children and I would be fine and we absolutely are, whether they have a stepmum or not. I wasn’t prepared to stay in a relationship I was unhappy in (and yes I was unhappy partly because of the fact I’d had enough of being a stepmum) just because my children might have a stepmum one day. That’s just messed up logic and won’t do anyone any good.

@funinthesun19

I think it’s very manipulative to use the OP’s child as a reason for to stay with her husband.

I was a stepmum once and it’s been 2 years since I ended my relationship with my children’s father. I think being a stepmum in the past has taught me a lot about unrealistic expectations put on to people in that role and why we shouldn’t be all gobsmacked when someone decides enough is enough. I’m not afraid of my children potentially having a stepmum at some point. The thought of my children having a stepmum didn’t keep me “in my place” as a stepmum myself. I was confident enough to know that my children and I would be fine and we absolutely are, whether they have a stepmum or not. I wasn’t prepared to stay in a relationship I was unhappy in (and yes I was unhappy partly because of the fact I’d had enough of being a stepmum) just because my children might have a stepmum one day. That’s just messed up logic and won’t do anyone any good.

Yes, we're all products of our own circumstances and so you take what I would do in the circumstance as criticism of what you did.

You didn't have my experience growing up so you had different insight and acted differently to how I would.

You can decide I'm wrong, call me manipulative if it makes you feel better but again it simply comes down to different opinions and different perspectives.

Look I get the sentiment of staying for the kids, somewhat, (by kids I'm referring to SC and DC alike)

However it never plays out well. It just doesn't. Anyone can leave a relationship at any time. Boundaries are important for the health of a relationship. How many times do we get SP coming on here where they have started out with good boundaries and then one by one they are removed (usually because of trying to act with good intentions) until actually their MH takes a hit because they are literally doing all the "work" and not even respected in own house. It's not a life it's a half life. Everyone in the family unit has the right to feelings and emotions.

This is similar in any family, not just blended although by some comments on this board you would be mistaken into thinking otherwise.

You don't have to sacrifice yourself at the alter because in the end it won't help the kids or anyone.

You especially don't have to do that when if the alter has been cracked once before. It's not a choice any SP takes lightly, they may be very fond of their SC, most issues aren't coming from the SC but the partner in which may have changed.

It's hard but isn't the thought of walking away from someone you love always hard. Even if it's for the best ?