It would ruin my relationship if my step children ever lived with us

[PickledOnionsOnToast]

I just had to say that.

Does anyone else feel that way?

I don't think about it often but when I do I genuinely can't envisage ever wanting to stay in my marriage if my step children had to come and live with us full time.

I could honestly not be doing with being "mum" to both my DC and my SC and all that entails and I doubt very much I would ever be happy with the situation.

Plenty of step parents have shared to say that they feel exactly as you do, so if you do leave then that's pretty much what's waiting for your kid when they're at their Dad's 50% of the time with his new partner.

And?

Nothing I have said suggests I am unkind or cruel to the children, not a single thing. So why on earth would I care if my exes girlfriend or wife wasn't leaping for joy at the prospect of living full time with my child?

If my children couldn't live with me, my main concern would be that their Dad stepped up. His new partner leaving would be of no interest or relevance to me, she wouldn't be my DCs parent.

I have 4 children of my own. I met a man with 2 kids who were utterly spoilt and drove me round the bend so I decided there and then it wasn’t fair on anyone to merge families as I knew it just wasn’t for me. So I would not bring up someone else’s kids I am now with a man with no kids and I’d respect his decision if he felt mine were too much etc (2 are late teens/adult) it’s a choice really stay and put up with it or leave or just don’t go there in the first place.

@anniegun

You probably should not have had children with a man who already had a family

Well that's OK then. We'll just push them back in again, shall we?

I lived with DP while DSS was with him part-time –and we always had the agreement that I was DP's partner and in no way played a 'mother' role in DSS's life.

For a whole host of reasons (work-related among others), I now have my own place about 20 minutes away.

6 months after I moved, DSS came to live with DP full time.

I feel so lucky that we've worked things the way we have –DSS and I get to really enjoy one another's company, maintaining the relationship we made up together early on, he gets proper undiluted 1-1 time with his dad, and I'm not falling into any unwanted parenting roles by virtue of proximity.

Had I moved after DSS had come to stay full-time, I'd have been given an absolute kicking on here for 'putting myself first' and 'abandoning' DSS / DP.

In actual fact, I think it's been the best option for all of us.

It's harder when there are more kids involved, but being willing to think a bit "out of the box" can open up more options than you'd originally think, OP. It doesn't always have to be a binary choice.

@SleepOhHowIMissYou I have a feeling if anyone was triggered by my comments it's may have been you.

And 😂 of course it's not close to home because I'm not a nut 😂.

I'm finding it funny that people people who aren't step parents are coming along with this utter rubbish spouting it off like it's gospel when they have actually 0 experience as a SP.

Go have some wine I'm sure it's 6pm somewhere in the world and calm down.

@SpaceshiptoMars I'm actually cracking up at this 😂😂😂

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@SleepOhHowIMissYou I have a feeling if anyone was triggered by my comments it's may have been you.

And 😂 of course it's not close to home because I'm not a nut 😂.

I'm finding it funny that people people who aren't step parents are coming along with this utter rubbish spouting it off like it's gospel when they have actually 0 experience as a SP.

Go have some wine I'm sure it's 6pm somewhere in the world and calm down.

[/quote]
I don't believe that I am the one ridiculing other people's opinions on here.

Your reply certainly reads like someone who's triggered. Personal attacks are a good giveaway and are the last choice when a person has no rational come back.

@PickledOnionsOnToast

If it makes you feel any better, okay, you don't find the role desirable. The same argument

It's really not the same argument though. Saying you find a person specifically uninteresting is obviously a personal thing about them. Saying I am uninterested in being someone's full time parent is not the same as finding them specifically uninteresting, that makes it sound like if it was any other kid it would be different, just not them because they aren't interesting when that is not the case. They can be the loveliest child in the world but I don't want to be their full time Mum.

I don't understand how you can think the two are remotely the same.

Because you wouldn't leave your own children if you were no longer enjoying the role of mum. It's okay to stay under obligation as mum even if you were unhappy. But it's not okay to stay under obligation as step mum if you were unhappy? If being an unhappy parent is so detrimental to children we should all give up our parental roles when we're unhappy with them? This was my point from the beginning. I never said it was personal to who they are. I don't think you think the children are necessarily uninteresting or undesirable. It's about committing to possibly taking on a huge role when the time comes and then saying actually nah when it does. People on MN get slaughtered when they give up responsibility for a dog that is too much for them. But here we are talking about giving up responsibility for human children and apparently it's the adults happiness that is of the utmost importance.

@PickledOnionsOnToast

Plenty of step parents have shared to say that they feel exactly as you do, so if you do leave then that's pretty much what's waiting for your kid when they're at their Dad's 50% of the time with his new partner.

And?

Nothing I have said suggests I am unkind or cruel to the children, not a single thing. So why on earth would I care if my exes girlfriend or wife wasn't leaping for joy at the prospect of living full time with my child?

If my children couldn't live with me, my main concern would be that their Dad stepped up. His new partner leaving would be of no interest or relevance to me, she wouldn't be my DCs parent.

I'm not suggesting you're unkind, just that your choice would have a huge impact on your own child's future.

There's the dilemma, choose your own happiness by risking theirs? Like I say, it's a tough one.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion and every blended family is different. For me, I would never have married DH if I couldn't have lived with his kids. My DSD has moved in with us permanently and I cant imagine leaving just because of that. My 2 DC live with us full time, they're not DH kids, so I have no right to say his kids xant live here.

@WrongWayApricot but step parents don't have any responsibility towards children unless they adopt them.

You know that the parent could leave the step parent and they'd literally never see the kids again, don't you?

Honestly, while I can agree that it probably would ruin many relationships if step children had to move in, I think if you are going to commit to a partner who already has children then you have to be prepared for the possibility that they might at some point need or want to live with you.

Your partner would be a pretty shit parent if he/she were to refuse because he was prioritising his relationship over reacting to the needs or desires of his child.

If you can't cope with the prospect then you have no place going into a marriage or a live-in relationship with that partner in the first place. Date by all means, but don't live together if you don't want his children around.

People on MN get slaughtered when they give up responsibility for a dog that is too much for them. But here we are talking about giving up responsibility for human children and apparently it's the adults happiness that is of the utmost importance.

You can't give up responsibility that you never had. Comparing your actual children, who you have parental responsibility for, with step children is like comparing apples and pears.

Walking away from your child is not the same as walking away from a step parenting situation, not in the slightest. I am not responsible for my step children, certainly not in the same respect in which I'm responsible for my children. Their parents are and would continue to be whether I left or stayed.

Me saying I do not want full time responsibility for my step children is absolutely not the same thing as saying I don't want responsibility for my children.

But it's not okay to stay under obligation as step mum if you were unhappy? If being an unhappy parent is so detrimental to children we should all give up our parental roles when we're unhappy with them?

You do realize that by simply marrying a man with children, you gain no legal rights? You can build a wonderful relationship with them, but if he ends the marriage, he can stop you ever seeing them again. Even if the ex wife is not longer alive. So it is a very different parental role to that of actual parent.

[quote Getyourarseofffthequattro]@SleepOhHowIMissYou stop telling people they are "triggered" even you clearly don't have a fucking scooby.[/quote]
I can certainly recognise when people are ridiculing others. People have their own opinions based on lived experience. Your own experience is no less valid than mine simply because I have a different view than you.

@NdujaWannaDance

Honestly, while I can agree that it probably would ruin many relationships if step children had to move in, I think if you are going to commit to a partner who already has children then you have to be prepared for the possibility that they might at some point need or want to live with you.

Your partner would be a pretty shit parent if he/she were to refuse because he was prioritising his relationship over reacting to the needs or desires of his child.

I am aware it's a possibility, I haven't said I'm not nor have I said I'd expect my husband to refuse. I agree, he'd be a shit parent if he did.

Your own experience is no less valid than mine simply because I have a different view than you.

What's your experience of being a step parent? @SleepOhHowIMissYou

@PickledOnionsOnToast

People on MN get slaughtered when they give up responsibility for a dog that is too much for them. But here we are talking about giving up responsibility for human children and apparently it's the adults happiness that is of the utmost importance.

You can't give up responsibility that you never had. Comparing your actual children, who you have parental responsibility for, with step children is like comparing apples and pears.

Walking away from your child is not the same as walking away from a step parenting situation, not in the slightest. I am not responsible for my step children, certainly not in the same respect in which I'm responsible for my children. Their parents are and would continue to be whether I left or stayed.

Me saying I do not want full time responsibility for my step children is absolutely not the same thing as saying I don't want responsibility for my children.

So your husband knows you will walk if they have to move in? Or is he still under the impression that you are going to accept the responsibility? Because you said when you got married you were prepared and that your feelings have now changed. Presumably you've let him know that you no longer will be taking the responsibility of full time step mum if the time comes. Or you're going to wait until the worst possible time to announce this?

Or is he still under the impression that you are going to accept the responsibility?

Well no, I never said to him 'ill take full responsibility of your children if they have to move in' (and frankly I'd think him a dick if he just expected that).

I have explained repeatedly throughout the thread why I would be worried that this would now be different, if you can't be arsed to read it I am not going to keep going over it.

There's a lot of black and white thinking going on here from the non step-mums. If the childrens' mother dies everything changes. So other things have to change to accommodate. How they change is another matter.

Things like this cannot be mapped out in advance. The children may be preschool, primary, teens, young adult. Different solutions may apply in each case. You work it out if it happens. For starters, the housing will almost certainly not be up to snuff for the new situation. At that point, you might look at two houses in the same road, two flats in the same block etc. Live close, but not intermingled. Depends also on other relatives and who else wants to get involved on an ad-hoc basis.

@SpaceshiptoMars

But it's not okay to stay under obligation as step mum if you were unhappy? If being an unhappy parent is so detrimental to children we should all give up our parental roles when we're unhappy with them?

You do realize that by simply marrying a man with children, you gain no legal rights? You can build a wonderful relationship with them, but if he ends the marriage, he can stop you ever seeing them again. Even if the ex wife is not longer alive. So it is a very different parental role to that of actual parent.

You marry the man. Just the man.

Stepchildren are actually inlaws. Related in law only. You accrue no rights or responsibilities (beyond the basic ones in society towards other people’s children).

This is made very apparent to many SMs if they want to have any say or control over anything related to their SC.

I would not live with my MIL either. Under absolutely no circumstances. Or any of my inlaws.

@SleepOhHowIMissYou I'm not sure where you read a personal attack on you. Since my first comment wasn't directed at you, but then you started saying I was triggered and it was clearly close to my home ?

But your right personal attacks are more a reflection on that person...

Odd flex but you rock on.

The more I think about this the more i think that's it's case of expectation vs reality.

People have lots of fun ideals about what type of parent they will be when they have kids, then reality comes along and gives them a good shake. Sometimes though they cling to those ideals and then their MH takes dive because life isn't turning out as planned, reality isn't what they thought.

There are lots of expectations re blended families and what "should be" but not a consistent pattern of expectations that could be formally agreed upon and a book created. Which is a problem glossed over by many here.

This means that actually when reality rocks up it's not just messing with one perspective but all perspectives.

The closest people who can tell you about the reality of step parenting is actual step parents, the unrealistic expectations are often said like law by people who have 0 grounding in step parenting and it doesn't marry up with reality.

As nice as it would be to claim the title as a mum, I know I'm not a perfect parent. I'm not sure why everyone seems to think SP should be held to a higher bar when any hurt that was created by first family splitting up, is somehow magically and morally now SP problem to solve.

If your a parent I bet your bottom dollar there's one thing you said you would never do as a parent but when parenting reality hit, you changed. That's allowed. So people's views on step parenting allowed to change. Shaming people won't stop those feelings.