Step mum involvement at wedding

[weddingdilemmma]

Okay so this could get long but would love some advice on the involvement/role of step parents at weddings.

So I'm the step daughter, due to get married next year and am struggling with what to do with a situation with my SM.

Background - my dad cheated on my mum while she was pregnant with me. This continued til I was 2 when my mum found out and left him. A few years later my dad moved in with OW when I was 5 and she's always been part of my life.
My mum has been amazing throughout. Never said a negative word about my dad, never shared the details or tried to turn me against my dad or SM, encouraged me to have a relationship with both and always out my feelings first.

I never knew the situation growing up but it was obvious my SM had an issue with my mum, didn't like her being mentioned etc (not sure if this was jealousy or guilt).

Fast forward 25 years and I've got a good relationship with them all. However as I've got older my mum & dad have naturally had less and less to do with each other. No handovers, co-parenting discussions etc. Mum and dads DP never spoke to each other and rarely even seen each other in passing. This has all been fine and as drama as I could expect

But what do I do about the wedding? It doesn't seem fair to expect my DM have to share my wedding day with who is effectively the OW?
DM had down her usual by putting me first, says shes happy if im happy, promises to be civil to both etc. but I sense she's putting on a brave face.

SM on the other hand seems a bit insecure. Already asking if shes invited to hen night, if she'll be sitting at the top table next to my dad, hinting about coming dress shopping etc.
My big worry with this is that why my poor mum is accommodating of her, she's less so with my mum. Seems a bit rich given she was the OW and cheated with my dad while my mum was pregnant (they all knew each other before)

Am I being unreasonable by expecting this to all go well?

@Alltheblue

What a self absorbed, embittered post 6BeyondOurReef.

Having step parents and the resultant tensions, and losing the home you know, and the security of both parents in your home, etc etc is considerably more shit. Step parents can opt out. Children are stuck.

Well obviously.

Won’t anyone think of the children?

So this is from someone who isn't married but I've been along to several weddings with at least one set of divorced parents.

Hen parties - never been on one with mothers involved so don't invite SM, just sisters, friends, bridesmaids

Wedding dress - just your Mum, sisters if you have them - don't even take bridesmaids. Keep it really small and intimate

Top table - been to a couple of weddings without the traditional top table, but with a table for the Bride and Groom and then the parents of the B&G 'hosting' on separate tables so you could have 3 - one hosted by your DHTB's parents, one hosted by your DM and her partner and one by your DF and SM.

And have a word with your Dad - make it his responsibility to keep them separate. Is he likely to mention anything in his speech? Personally I hate the speeches at weddings - you could just have toasts to the B&G, the bridesmaids and the mothers of the bride and groom. My DSis had a toastmaster at her wedding and he announced all the toasts beautifully

The affair was 30 years ago. And they've been together a lot longer than he was with his first wife. Rarely is a SM as important as a mother, but surely they're more than just another guest.

@Alltheblue

What a self absorbed, embittered post 6BeyondOurReef.

Having step parents and the resultant tensions, and losing the home you know, and the security of both parents in your home, etc etc is considerably more shit. Step parents can opt out. Children are stuck.

Step parents are not responsible for any of that happening to the step children, their parents are. Step children also having a hard time in different ways does not make it self absorbed to discuss the ways step parents often have it hard, and the fact that you think it does says more about you than anyone else.

I do think it is different with best men and MOH so normal for them not to sit in the top table together. Parents are parents and that is so different from friends, which BM and MOH are.

@Alltheblue WHY are step parents constantly blamed for TWO ACTUAL PARENTS deciding to separate their family???
The children, their happiness or lack thereof is the responsibility of the PARENTS & if parents decide to split up the fall out is on them! - not on any subsequent step parent.

Speaking as a step mum, I never expected to be sat at the top table, it is the place for the parents. I sat with other family members and was happy with that. Have a lovely day.

@Alltheblue

What a self absorbed, embittered post 6BeyondOurReef.

Having step parents and the resultant tensions, and losing the home you know, and the security of both parents in your home, etc etc is considerably more shit. Step parents can opt out. Children are stuck.

Step parents exist because people chose to have children with unsuitable people. It's not on step parents to take on responsibility for their partners and the partner's ex poor choices.

I never really felt this way with my mum but constantly tried to impress my dad and win his approval

I wonder if SM feels similar vibes from your Dad and therefore needs to compete with your mum. Maybe your mum has been lucky to not be with your Dad?? Just might help you feel better about the affair.

I have always thought if there is an issue with the step parent, it's usually a result of the underlying relationship with the parent. I definitely it's the case for my dc.

@BeyondOurReef

I agree with you generally that being a SM is a really thankless job and not one I would have ever considered.

I think the children are definitely not the responsibility of the SM and at its best it is a friendly, kind relationship with another interested adult.

Not the house skivvy, solvent aupair variety that gets trotted out on MN so often.

However, this version is the OW and scummy father sneaking around while the OP'S mother was pregnant, and someone who makes digs about the OP'S mother, who has never retaliated and facilitated a relationship with her scummy father.

The SM in this instant does not get to push her way into a position she has clearly never held.

I think the OP is doing well to have any relationship at all with her father and SM.

SM needs to step away.

Yes, I most certainly judge a couple who got together behind the back of a pregnant woman.

Certainly NOT someone I would have in my circle of friends.

@Herbie0987

Speaking as a step mum, I never expected to be sat at the top table, it is the place for the parents. I sat with other family members and was happy with that. Have a lovely day.

I wouldn’t even want to go tbh, it’s not about me, and I’d rather the parents go and celebrate with their children

I imagine oh will try and get me dragged in tho, but I’m really not interested in going to his kids weddings

Step parents exist because people chose to have children with unsuitable people

Wtf? You’re now in a relationship - your choice - with one of those ‘unsuitable people’.

@madisonbridges

The affair was 30 years ago. And they've been together a lot longer than he was with his first wife. Rarely is a SM as important as a mother, but surely they're more than just another guest.

Exactly, and more to the point is it worth doing something that could potentially cause a big rift going forward when everybody gets along now, rather than just letting someone sit at a table with her husband?

I just don't think it's worth the potential aggro and upset it's likely to cause.

@Sowhatifiam

Step parents exist because people chose to have children with unsuitable people

Wtf? You’re now in a relationship - your choice - with one of those ‘unsuitable people’.

Unsuitable for them romantically, obviously.

[quote billy1966]@BeyondOurReef

I agree with you generally that being a SM is a really thankless job and not one I would have ever considered.

I think the children are definitely not the responsibility of the SM and at its best it is a friendly, kind relationship with another interested adult.

Not the house skivvy, solvent aupair variety that gets trotted out on MN so often.

However, this version is the OW and scummy father sneaking around while the OP'S mother was pregnant, and someone who makes digs about the OP'S mother, who has never retaliated and facilitated a relationship with her scummy father.

The SM in this instant does not get to push her way into a position she has clearly never held.

I think the OP is doing well to have any relationship at all with her father and SM.

SM needs to step away.

Yes, I most certainly judge a couple who got together behind the back of a pregnant woman.

Certainly NOT someone I would have in my circle of friends.[/quote]
This is an adult who has grown up with her parents divorced and her father with her stepmother.

Up until recently the OP had no idea about the affair. And she will still not actually know what happened 20+ years ago.

Mu SMIL was the OW 35 years ago. Are we supposed to base our interactions with her on the circumstances under which FIL and MIL’s relationship ended? Or maybe should we just say that is none of our business?

And why is the vitriol about the SM. Rather than the man who had the affair?

Is your SM making digs at your MIL in front of your husband?

This informs my reply.

It's disingenuous and incredibly naïve to say it's the parents choice and the step Mother never plays a part. Sometimes the SM plays a very pivotal role. I had not one iota of say in becoming homeless overnight, the dissolution of our family, the affair they conducted during my pregnancy and beyond for several years, the grotesque humiliation I suffered when their affair was discovered by mutual work colleagues, SM's insistence to position herself as DD's Mother within weeks of meeting her only weeks after ex left me... DD also had literally not a jot of choice.

Do I judge their actions? Yes I do, I would never treat another human being that way. Fall in love by all means and do what makes you happy but there's no need to deceive, and then tear apart someone else's life. Being a step mum may well often be thankless but it's no picnic for the children or indeed ex-wives either. Blended families are tough for everyone, just in different ways.

In this case, I think OP should do what she would like which sounds like her Mum being Mother of the bride and all that entails. SM has no role to play her beyond supporting OP's Father in his role as Father of the bride & honestly I'm confused why she'd expect anything more. This isn't about OP's parents or SM, it's about her and her DP.

He treated you badly. Yes. But if he’s married to the OW in 25 years and your DD is getting married, is how your relationship ended supposed to be the important thing in determining the arrangements for that wedding?

I don't think it's even vaguely relevant to wedding arrangements but I also don't think her being married to DD's Father in anyway makes her DD's Mother.

I would therefore not expect her to play 'Mother of the Bride' either. Now, if DD wanted her to play an equal role to me, then I would be entirely supportive of that - as DD's wedding would be her day.

Sadly, with the relationship between my DD and her SM, I fear it will be more a case of DD refusing to even invite her SM and me trying to coax her into doing so knowing her Father would refuse to attend without her... it's easy to say it's all in the past but sadly (for some) these things run deep and are not necessarily rational.

At the top table the traditional seating pattern would be

Bridesmaid
Best man
Mother of bride
Father of groom
Bride
Groom
Mother of bride
Father of groom
Chief bridesmaid
Groomsman

Wouldn't it? So I don't see the problem as parents are seated separately anyway? She can just sit with other family like an aunt.

@Pinkyxx

It's disingenuous and incredibly naïve to say it's the parents choice and the step Mother never plays a part. Sometimes the SM plays a very pivotal role. I had not one iota of say in becoming homeless overnight, the dissolution of our family, the affair they conducted during my pregnancy and beyond for several years, the grotesque humiliation I suffered when their affair was discovered by mutual work colleagues, SM's insistence to position herself as DD's Mother within weeks of meeting her only weeks after ex left me... DD also had literally not a jot of choice.

Do I judge their actions? Yes I do, I would never treat another human being that way. Fall in love by all means and do what makes you happy but there's no need to deceive, and then tear apart someone else's life. Being a step mum may well often be thankless but it's no picnic for the children or indeed ex-wives either. Blended families are tough for everyone, just in different ways.

In this case, I think OP should do what she would like which sounds like her Mum being Mother of the bride and all that entails. SM has no role to play her beyond supporting OP's Father in his role as Father of the bride & honestly I'm confused why she'd expect anything more. This isn't about OP's parents or SM, it's about her and her DP.

@Pinkyxx You've taken comments about it not being the SPs choice out of context. That conversation arose from one poster, who was not the OW, so was not involved in the SCs parents spitting, being told she was bitter and self absorbed to talk about how being a SP is difficult because SCs have to go through their parents being separated. As if that made it invalid to talk about the SPs own issues.

In those circumstances, the things that SC experience that are apparently so much worse than what a SP could experience, IS something the SP had nothing to do with. Context is everything, it makes a lot of what you're saying projection.

@olivesnutsandcheeseplease

Just go dress shopping with your DM and friends/ bridesmaids.

One way to avoid the top table issues is just to have your wedding party ie bride and groom, best man and partner and bridesmaids and partners. Then do a nice table of dads family for him and SM and another family / friends one for DM and her partner ( and put these tables at opposite sides of the room).
Absolutely invite your Sm as your dads partner but there's no need to include her on other stuff such as hen do

This sounds like a good plan.

@DPotter

So this is from someone who isn't married but I've been along to several weddings with at least one set of divorced parents.

Hen parties - never been on one with mothers involved so don't invite SM, just sisters, friends, bridesmaids

Wedding dress - just your Mum, sisters if you have them - don't even take bridesmaids. Keep it really small and intimate

Top table - been to a couple of weddings without the traditional top table, but with a table for the Bride and Groom and then the parents of the B&G 'hosting' on separate tables so you could have 3 - one hosted by your DHTB's parents, one hosted by your DM and her partner and one by your DF and SM.

And have a word with your Dad - make it his responsibility to keep them separate. Is he likely to mention anything in his speech? Personally I hate the speeches at weddings - you could just have toasts to the B&G, the bridesmaids and the mothers of the bride and groom. My DSis had a toastmaster at her wedding and he announced all the toasts beautifully

This.

I've been to similar including both sets of parents who were divorced.

Just to add as your SM is insecure if you have any good friends, particularly those who have divorced/separated parents themselves, who aren't part of the wedding party ask them to ensure your step-mother and mother are kept away from each other. That way if your dad gets drunk and/or forgets there are other people who will gently steer them away from each other.

I was asked to do this at one wedding where the bride's divorced parents were still acrimonious after 20 years, there as the groom's divorced parents were very civil to one another. In the end it was the groom's parents and step-parents who stopped the bride's parents and step-parents misbehaving.

Invite both sm and dm to hen do- anyone and everyone goes to that.
But for dress shopping, just keep it for you and your mum.