Step mum involvement at wedding

[weddingdilemmma]

Okay so this could get long but would love some advice on the involvement/role of step parents at weddings.

So I'm the step daughter, due to get married next year and am struggling with what to do with a situation with my SM.

Background - my dad cheated on my mum while she was pregnant with me. This continued til I was 2 when my mum found out and left him. A few years later my dad moved in with OW when I was 5 and she's always been part of my life.
My mum has been amazing throughout. Never said a negative word about my dad, never shared the details or tried to turn me against my dad or SM, encouraged me to have a relationship with both and always out my feelings first.

I never knew the situation growing up but it was obvious my SM had an issue with my mum, didn't like her being mentioned etc (not sure if this was jealousy or guilt).

Fast forward 25 years and I've got a good relationship with them all. However as I've got older my mum & dad have naturally had less and less to do with each other. No handovers, co-parenting discussions etc. Mum and dads DP never spoke to each other and rarely even seen each other in passing. This has all been fine and as drama as I could expect

But what do I do about the wedding? It doesn't seem fair to expect my DM have to share my wedding day with who is effectively the OW?
DM had down her usual by putting me first, says shes happy if im happy, promises to be civil to both etc. but I sense she's putting on a brave face.

SM on the other hand seems a bit insecure. Already asking if shes invited to hen night, if she'll be sitting at the top table next to my dad, hinting about coming dress shopping etc.
My big worry with this is that why my poor mum is accommodating of her, she's less so with my mum. Seems a bit rich given she was the OW and cheated with my dad while my mum was pregnant (they all knew each other before)

Am I being unreasonable by expecting this to all go well?

@KylieKoKo lol- I cried last night that we might have Christmas alone in 25 years’ time DH was somehow not as concerned as me?!!

I wouldn't take your sm dress shopping , who does she think she is?
She sounds awful. Nip this in the bud now.
Your mother and father in the top table. If your father starts acting awkward sat that's fine you can sit with SM - in a different table.
I'm a step mother , not involved in the breakdown of my dh's marriage I might add, I would not even ask to go with my step child and chose their dress, it's absurd.
Again nip this in the bud now.
Suspicious father is not the dumb idiot he is playing. He knows the score.
I would also consider asking your dm to walk you down the isle.
Hen do- invite friends only. Then spend the night before your wedding with your mum.

I think you have not had enough time to process it all. It's huge. Your life would have been very different if not for this woman. Your mother was badly hurt by this woman and her actions.

However your mother has had decades to get over it and possibly has.

Also, you don't know all the nuances and subtleties of what took place. They had an affair but he didn't leave for her. He only did that when your mother threw him out. Maybe your SM felt second best because he really loved your mother and only ended up with her by default. Then his family treated her poorly. She thought she got what she wanted but always felt second best. I'm not excusing the affair at all by the way. I am offering a different perspective on why she might be the one harbouring bad feeling. She's jealous! Irrational yes but still happens. The ex was the first wife and had a child with your dad.

Anyway your SM doesn't sound particularly nice. I'd keep her involvement to that of any other related guest, maybe an aunt. She doesn't have to sit at TT, go dress shopping or anything else that a mother would do.

I think you need a conversation with your dad, saying that sm is of course invited but she will be a normal guest.
Decide whether you're doing top table, who will walk you down the aisle etc first. And explain these. If he kicks off, ask him who he feels the need to support more at your wedding?

I think you are doing the right thing, step mum is a family member and welcome guest but not mob. Definitely no to dress shopping and hen would depend on the plan really.

If it helps some top tables mix the parents so mother of bride sits beside father of groom and vice versa. I think the thought is joining of families etc but also means no partners together.

Also (& sorry op to be flaming your dad) man strings two women along for years & yet it is the second woman (as opposed to the man) who is being demonised.
I still think whoever told op was bang out of order & knew the damage they were going to do.

OP seems clear that she and her fiance want a top table, without step mum. And not to include step mum in ‘mother of the bride’ type activities and the hen do. Fair enough!

@weddingdilemmma

She's your dad's partner and has been for many years.. I also don't think she should have to sit separate from your dad.

The best man will be sitting separate from his DW, the MOH will be sitting separate from her DH, as will the other bridesmaids. Or should all the partners join the TT (if I have one)?

As I said below, it's not a romantic meal out for my dad and SM

I was at a wedding where my DP was best man, he was at the TT for the meal and I sat with the other guests. Funnily enough I coped without him for a few hours

I do get it but I do think in this particular situation it might cause more aggro than just to let her sit with him, unless you truly don't have the space?

It's a little different than the best man etc as presumably they won't be sitting up there with their exes, their partners probably would feel differently if they were. Also this person is your stepmother who has been in your life for 25 years and who you get on with...I think if you go down the road of not letting her sit with your dad, it will look like you're making a point (which you are) and it is likely to cause bad feeling going forward....is it worth it?

Your mum sounds ace and it doesn't sound like she'll be fussed either way, she is the mother of the bride and will be surrounded by family and friends, so for the sake of your relationship with your dad and his wife going forward, I'd either sack off the top table entirely or just let your SM sit there with your dad.

PS. I wouldn't invite SM shopping or on the hen. No need for any of that. But I would let her sit with her husband at your wedding.

The thing that puzzles me is that the SM would only be there because of her association to your DAD @weddingdilemmma, and therefore is only really in a position to support your dad in his execution of the role he has.

Why on earth would it even cross her mind that she would have an part in the dress, or even the Hen thing?

But then again if she had any notion of boundaries, she'd not have started shagging someone else's husband (sorry, i know that is not v helpful)

I think it might help you to see her as an extension of him, but not an integral part of the wedding and tbh, if this were me and any pressure came my way in this regard I would take the position that HE has a role, my MUM has a role and while she is more than welcome to support her H and come with him and enjoy the day, if she felt it wasn't for her, that's her choice, but it would not affect the overall planning of the wedding

Why on earth does she think she has to have preferential treatment or prioritisation?

I think it's OK for your SM to sit separately if she has her own children who will be attending as she can sit with them.

But if it will literally be her sitting alone with your dad's family who don't like her, then she should be able to sit with your dad. Whether that be at the top table or both of them on the table with his family.

@weddingdilemmma

But I do think it would be pretty poor to sit your father’s wife away from your father

A few people have said this now but where does it stop, the best man doesn't get to sit with his DW, the bridesmaids don't get to sit with their DHs? It's not a romantic meal out for couples

Sorry, I feel snappy now but it's the stress. I may not go for a TT but I had never thought the fact they're be a couple justified her being there. I've seen it more as a table for the people the bride & groom are closest to

Do you really want your Mum on the top table? If so why not only have your DM and Mil on the top table, so mothers only, and both dads sit with their families (and your dad with his wife)? You can then give them flowers etc, make a big deal, but SM can’t complain about it as she isn’t your Mum.

Your SM does need to accept that she is not your mother and her trying to usurp your DMs role here is out of order.

Your DM and DF should be on the top table as long as they are civil with each other. SM will survive for a few hours without being sat next to your Dad she is not a child. Obviously try to sit her with someone she knows and will be comfortable with, but she isn't the mother of the bride and shouldn't be pretending to be.

Hen night is usually just friends of bride, not sure why either your DM or SM would expect to go to that.

Dress shopping should definitely only be you and your DM. It is a special time between the two of you and it would upset me to be muscled aside from this if my DD ever gets married. I promise you, no matter what your mum says, she would be very upset if this gets invaded by your SM.

Of course, if you really want to involve your SM in these things that is entirely your choice. Just don't let your SM guilt you into letting her invade where she has no right to be.

Your SM does need to accept that she is not your mother and her trying to usurp your DMs role here is out of order.

This is the corollary to the oft heard cries of ‘you must treat them like your own’ that stepmothers are hammered with constantly.

Treat them like they’re your child, but don’t ever expect to be treated as if you are anything to them. Certainly never step on their mother’s toes.

You are not their mother. But must act like one in all the ways that benefit them but never get any of the nicer bits.

Being a SM is shit.

And I say that as someone who will probably barely merit an invitation to, never mind a seat at anything other than the ‘guests we’ve shoved in corner because we’ve only begrudgingly invited them because we had to’ table if my stepdaughter ever gets married. And I’m fine with that. Less fine that I will be with the public charade of happy families with her parents (who loathe each other) that I’m sure will be presented to the world. But, even then, I don’t think I’ll care so much as laugh about the bullshit.

This OP should do what she wants. It’s best to stop framing it as mother v stepmother or wife v OW or whatever. These are the people in her blended family. Presumably she wishes to have an ongoing relationship with them all.

I would invite her as a guest. Sit her and your dad down and explain to them that your mum will obviously have the "mother of the bride" duties. I.e dress shopping etc. and you wouldn't take that away from her.
I would scrap the "traditional" top table and just have you and your future hubby at the front. That way your SM and father can sit together and your mum can sit with who she feels comfortable with also.
As for the hen do, not sure what I would do. Maybe explain it's for friends only? Good luck x

I would absolutely not take her dress shopping or give her a parental role. Absolutely not. Your poor mum.

I would either just not have a top table or have her at the top table.

I would explain to Dad that Mum is Mum and, while his wife won't be excluded as a guest or humiliated in any way, there is only one mum and that's your mum. Ignore any drama.

I would have a hen party with friends and cousins of my own generation and go for a special afternoon tea with Mum.

The end. I wouldn't give it another thought after this. Refer anyone with a problem to your future husband who can stonewall merrily, most men can.

My sister is currently organising her wedding and we have a similar situation with our family, she hasn't invited SM to any of the extra things as she would feel more comfortable with just our mum there and she has the top table strictly just for biological parents, she's set the boundaries and has been really stern with it and it all seems to be going well. I hope this helps OP

What a self absorbed, embittered post 6BeyondOurReef.

Having step parents and the resultant tensions, and losing the home you know, and the security of both parents in your home, etc etc is considerably more shit. Step parents can opt out. Children are stuck.

By the way I also couldn't like or get on with someone who was horrible about my mother and made it clear she didn't like her. How disgusting. You've given this woman far too much leeway IMO.

We had similar situation but on dh’s side only difference was we really get on with DH’s SM. Our top table was just us bridesmaids and best man and ushers plus partners on a big round table which is a lot more fun than sitting on a long table with everyone watching you eat and gets rid of politics, they weren’t sure at first but we knew if it was a traditional top table it would end up in a shit Storm of order people sat etc. The circular tables were laid out like a bullseye so imagine us in the centre then circle around it was the next closest family. FIL and dh’s SM sat on a table with dh’s step siblings and partners with DH’s cousins and Aunt and uncle etc on next table, my parents had a table with their close friends and next to that table a table of my Aunt uncles and cousins, then MIL who has no family we let her have her table of 10, yes some dh really wanted their some not so much but it kept MIL busy and she liked have her table of friends around her, it was worth inviting them. FIL and MIL just politely stayed out of each other’s way which was absolutely fine.
Dress fitting is for your Mum, SM over stepping the mark asking if she can come. Hen do I just kept to mine and dh’s female siblings (well the over 18 ones of his) and friends and we went out drinking so not really my Mum’s thing anyway.
The other thing we planned out carefully was photos order they are done in and the order people stocking in. It really helps if you rope in either a confident bridesmaid or groomsman who knows them all to help direct the photographer. We did MIL ones before FIL although weirdly she tried to join in those too and she stood rather awkwardly close to dh but to be honest it was a lovely day and we all had a wonderful time. The planning was stressful though. Thankfully it was the last time MIL and FIL saw each other much more refer to enjoy them separately! Just remember it is your day so don’t let them take over what happened between them is nothing to with you.

After all that though when dh suggested getting our child christened as a baby I said no as I knew at a smaller event it would have been a lot more awkward to manage plus I didn’t want people competing for our baby’s attention.

She's your dad's partner and has been for many years.. I also don't think she should have to sit separate from your dad.

Why, are they joined at the hip?

Stupid comment.

@Alltheblue

By the way I also couldn't like or get on with someone who was horrible about my mother and made it clear she didn't like her. How disgusting. You've given this woman far too much leeway IMO.

This. Not sure why you entertain her making dogs ab out your mother. I know you don't want to upset your dad, but that's too far IMHO.

I'd be hard pushed to invite her tbh.

But if you have to...no top table/no dress shopping/no then. Just an ordinary guest.

My loyalty would be to my mum and not the women who contributed to wrecking her life.

I definitely wouldn't have a top table in this kind of situation.
They are pretty dated anyway.

I also wouldn't give SM MOB duties either, you have a mum you get on well with.

Ultimately though it is your wedding so do what you and your soon to be spouse want to do.

Don’t feel obliged to invite her to the more intimate moments such as dress shopping. That’s a mother and daughter mother - it’s doesn’t have to be like ‘say yes to the dress’ with every Tom, dock and harry attending.

If you havea meal etc for hen do, you could invite her then, as she has been in your family a long time, but consider her on the same level:as an aunt or cousin, and not your mother. Your mother, sisters (if any) and best friend come above her in the pecking order,