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What to do about adult DSS visiting over Christmas

396 replies

sunshinelover69 · 08/12/2021 12:23

Back story: I have one DD18 and DH has two sons 14 and 21. Eldest is in final year of uni and rarely visits (he spend a couple of nights here in the summer but decided to stay in uni town over the summer to work). He is due to visit over Christmas. The issue is we no longer have a spare room as I needed office space (WFH permanently and was previously working in a corner of our bedroom which was causing me issues with sleeping). We agreed that if his eldest wanted to visit we would put an airbed on youngest's floor and he could bunk in with him. All good in theory. But in practice only really works for the odd night - there's a big age difference and the boys will need their own space. I was under the assumption that eldest would maybe stay the odd night and DH would arrange other activities with him in order that he can still see him over the Christmas period (he has a bedroom at his mum's house about 5 miles away). But we've clearly had a bit of miscommunication as DH is under the impression that eldest will come for 6 nights over the Xmas period, ie the same nights that his youngest will be here. I feel like this is untenable with the sleeping arrangements and we're all going to be under each other's feet.

Who is right? Also for context my DD will be spending the whole of Christmas here - she's in her first year of uni and doesn't see her dad for a whole host of reasons which I won't go into but needless to say it's for her own mental wellbeing that she doesn't see him.

OP posts:
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KosherDill · 09/12/2021 23:58

Strongly suggest you adopt a "the more the merrier, we'll have fun making do!" attitude.

It'll be January before you know it. And just cook extra -- with five people the leftovers won't go to waste.

KosherDill · 10/12/2021 00:01

@LadyLazarus40

Why do I have to do all of my husband's thinking for him?! I do all of the household admin/bill paying/food buying/meal planning. I am not his PA

Of course you don’t but you did turn his sons bedroom into your office so I do think there is some onus on you sorting this out - he lost his room for your benefit after all.

This. If you're going to kick off at life admin why pick the parts that pertain to his kids?

KosherDill · 10/12/2021 00:02

@sunshinelover69

Sorry but it hasn't been 'his son's bedroom' for a very long time since he's never here and we mutually agreed that we would use the space in the house to the best effect. Honestly, I am not going to be one of those women who takes on all of the mental load for the stepkids.
Well, you can transform it back into son's room for the holidays. What is the real issue?
KosherDill · 10/12/2021 00:04

@mugoftea456

Can you not re adjust your office room and let DSS set up in there. pack all the non essentials away and set him up a bed/bedside table ect.

Please make him feel welcome and that he still a place in your home.

If OP keeps her bedroom, her DD's room and the office off limits, she is controlling 3 of 4 bedrooms. That seems out of line.
KosherDill · 10/12/2021 00:11

@CloudyStorms

I don't personally think the food shopping will be hard but OP does DSS hasn't been clear about what his intentions are - he is always vague up until the last minute and given I do all of the food shopping and meal planning I kind of need to know. so why should she struggle with this? Let DH do the shopping and meal planning if it's that much of an issue.
What extra planning is necessary for a single extra person? Another serving of pasta or another burger? 🙄
Derbee · 10/12/2021 00:24

You missed out a whole part about the sleeping issues and general getting under feet that the OP is speaking of

Which the OP is suddenly fine with. So clearly wasn’t actually a real problem in the first place. She was just looking for a bunch of randomers on the internet to agree that DSS shouldn’t stay as it wasn’t practical. @candlelightsatdawn

SpaceshiptoMars · 10/12/2021 04:27

What extra planning is necessary for a single extra person? Another serving of pasta or another burger? 🙄

The Christmas I was widowed, my family decided I should not be alone. One of my young relatives was bundled in my direction to 'keep an eye on me'. That was an experience. Multiple food allergies, nocturnal, veggie, non-cook and voraciously hungryGrin. Much meal planning and experimenting later, I was just about keeping up adequate food intake for us both. It took my mind off things, I will say that!

Quite good preparation for my role as stepmum, actually.Grin

candlelightsatdawn · 10/12/2021 06:48

@Derbee oh the irony and nice pivot.

Your first issue with OP was the title of the post, not that the op had said anything at that point (your words)

Your second issue was you picking out parts of what op had said to fit, your agenda OP hates the SC, ignoring what she actually put.

And now we are on to OP is now fine with it so all the things she mentioned so mustn't have been the real reason and she hates the SC and wants everyone to agree.

Here's the thing, she didn't ask for people's opinions to start picking apart why she's using the spare room as a study, and the ethics of not keeping a memorial to SC for the 4 days a year vs needing a place to work.

In my view she's clearly finding Christmas stressful and had this been a mum saying the same thing, she would have had people going yes our house is a nightmare at Christmas everyone's packed in like sardines, don't worry the kids will be fine, maybe lower your cleaning standards but because it's SC we have had comments on the wording of the title post and people "reading between the line" aka projecting saying really snarky comments and everything discussed bar the topic at hand which let's bash the OP because she clearly hates her SC.

Just because the OP has found some useful comments and tips amid the usual shaming and seems mildly happier your now stance is ah well see the problem was SC all along. It's almost like even with all the nasty comments, she posted for advice and empathy, and maybe some realism (aka reduce your cleaning standards) and got some and that has annoyed a good deal of posters looking not to offer actual advice but just to give another person a good kicking.

Now the usual fallback is oh don't post if you just want us all to agree. Funny thing about that, advice and shaming are different and as a support board you would expect people to be human enough to recognise the difference. When she posted she didn't say hey I'm looking for good kicking please pile on as I hate my SC.

I have seen posters be piled on when they aren't being reasonable by SM and mums alike but the default is always pile on SM regardless of what they actually put and a lot of projection.

Adult children are like bloody nailing jelly to the wall, they are also as much as you care/love for them have the ability to get under feet, Christmas is stressful and houses have to stretch to accommodate. No one has died from sharing a room. Adult children have a tendency to be part adult part teenager, the OP needs to just chill a tad.

Lucky this OP is able to hold her own, if this had been a vulnerable Op which many we have had on here and gotten a similar kicking none of us would know the outcome of the impact of that kicking, the only feeling people would have was feeling better for releasing the anger so many of the frequent posters have on here re SM.

This post should have been a pretty shut and open case in terms of chill, it's fine lower standards bit and be Merry.

Also before you think oh your only saying that because your a stepmom. I'm saying this as a adult SC. Having grown up in a blended family and know exactly what it's like and I can tell you, the study thing wouldn't have bothered me or my siblings because this is just the type of stuff we just didn't care about. All of you are making a massive mountain out of a mole hill.

sunshinelover69 · 10/12/2021 07:44

Thanks @candlelightsatdawn. I have had some useful advice and that's helped me chill out a bit. Am still a tad stressed about us all getting under each other's feet but hey ho, if it all gets too much I will sod off out with DD and leave DH to his boys.

OP posts:
Scarby9 · 10/12/2021 07:50

I am 60.
For four nights over Christmas I will be sleeping on the floor in a living room that other people will have to walk through to get to the loo.
It is really no big deal for siblings to share a bedroom at that age over Christmas.
IME families bunk up and cope in order to meet up.

LookingforM · 10/12/2021 08:16

Your first issue with OP was the title of the post, not that the op had said anything at that point (your words)

In your haste to disagree with everyone, you’re conflating posters. I’ve never said anything about the thread title. You’re clearly confused. But thanks so much for your opinion. It means SO MUCH MORE than anyone else’s.

LookingforM · 10/12/2021 08:17

@candlelightsatdawn that comment was ACTUALLY for you

sassbott · 10/12/2021 08:28

@candlelightsatdawn ok.

So what are your thoughts on this comment from the OP?

Of course we'll accommodate him. I come from a family who all lived in the same city all their lives so the idea of staying with relatives for an extended period is alien to me. Not saying that's right, just adding some perspective.

Everyone on this thread is entitled to an opinion. And actually (for me personally), I too have zero issue with the OP using the old bedroom as a home office, would be stupid not too.
I also think the bulk of the work for his child coming falls to the father to arrange, not the OP.

But. That comment from the Op reveals a lot about her underlying thought patterns. As she herself says, it’s not necessarily right. But for her personally, the notion of someone coming to stay for an ‘extended period of time’ (since when is 2 lots of 3 days or 6 days extended?) in someone’s house, when they have a bed across town is alien to her.

She is basically saying ‘why would this adult be staying here when they have a perfectly good bed they can sleep in a few miles away’.

In my book that thought process is pretty clear cut. And as an open forum, we’re all entitled to our opinions. For me? A child is not a ‘visiting relative.’ Even as an adult. And whether said adult has a bedroom a few miles away is irrelevant also.

That’s the comment That has my back up. Nothing else.

candlelightsatdawn · 10/12/2021 08:28

@LookingforM

Your first issue with OP was the title of the post, not that the op had said anything at that point (your words)

In your haste to disagree with everyone, you’re conflating posters. I’ve never said anything about the thread title. You’re clearly confused. But thanks so much for your opinion. It means SO MUCH MORE than anyone else’s.

That's funny because I didn't tag you in my response for that reason

The only other explanation is your not two different people or just one using two usernames on a thread. Not sure which situation is weirder tbh

Anyway calm down and go have a cup of tea ☕️

sunshinelover69 · 10/12/2021 08:37

Why are some of you STILL piling onto me?? The 'visiting relatives' thing was intended to make the point that once I had left home, as my DSS considers himself to have done (I refer you back to my comments about him considering his university town as home now and him being very settled there, and BTW where are all the comments about how nice it is that he's happy and settled???) erm anyway what was my point? Oh yeah.... Once I had left home I only ever stayed at my parents house for the odd night. I saw them in other settings than having to sleep at their home. That's all I meant by it. And I acknowledged that maybe my way of thinking was not the norm. But hey, you guys carry on with the pile on if you've got nowt better to do.

OP posts:
sassbott · 10/12/2021 08:47

@sunshinelover69 I’m not piling on you. I’m asking a question to @candlelightsatdawn who has come on and pretty much told off everyone who has an opinion. Or certainly that’s how it reads.

The thing is @sunshinelover69 when you start a thread on an open forum, this can be what happens. And the point I was trying to reply to was that coming on here and carte Blanche saying posters are unilaterally piling in because youre a SM is slightly unfair.

I agree that you should have the office. It’s your home, you pay for it. That’s very straightforward. And I said as much months ago.

You’ve also said your thinking. And your personal experience once you were an adult. Again, fine. That’s you. Other people have had different experiences (as adults themselves), and they are coming on here an voicing those.

I personally as a parent will always aim to have my children know they have a space in my home. Regardless of their age, where they live. That’s me.
And had I been in your shoes (which I won’t ever be because bluntly living with these issues would do my head in), then I would simply order the air mattress and leave the rest of them to it. Which I have also said upthread.

candlelightsatdawn · 10/12/2021 08:50

@sassbott I won't pretend I gave that much thought. Odd wording I will admit but i put down to OP just not really having the same family set up as the ones she's living now. Which why I put that she needs to relax a bit and I think others have also.

If you came from a calm single parent house hold and didn't visit family much, I imagine that anyone visiting our house at Christmas would have been in total despair after a hour because it was manically busy and like a revolving door and it would have been horrific if dad hadn't pulled his weight. I rather liked it but I'm aware that some family found it rather overwhelming.

Would I call 5 days a extended visit no, we have a open door policy in my house and my families. That said my grandfather is literally aghast at people showing up without a telephone call and a lot of days in advance. Staying over night is a big thing for him, but for me I would be like right let's get sofa bed out. His inflexibleness really only caused him anxiety and us to roll our eyes. Neither was wrong per say but in my eyes he needed to relax because it mainly caused him issues less anyone else.

And no we didn't ever stop dropping around which 20 years later he never really liked but tolerated.

Anyway tbh I'm just shocked this thread got as far as it has tbh, to me it's a bit of a non issue if they stay for 5 days or 20. It's Christmas that's what happens, but my view isn't how everyone approaches it.

sassbott · 10/12/2021 08:54

@candlelightsatdawn I agree with you. I personally came from a large family and when people visited we made do. Chuck extra mattresses/ duvets on floor and make do. Everyone would help with food prep/ cooking/ cleaning.

I think it’s gone as far as it has because
A) it’s an adult step child
B) the original thread from recollection had most people frothing with displeasure
C) some of the wording hasn’t helped @sunshinelover69. And that’s the problem with an anonymous forum, so much is lost because it is just that. Words on a screen.

Derbee · 10/12/2021 08:54

@candlelightsatdawn yes, it’s SO WEIRD of me that after name changing for a legitimate reason, mumsnet doesn’t automatically revert to my original username, despite me logging back into my original username. I’m SO WEIRD aren’t I?

Grow up. Point still stands, even with the name change technical issue. You tagged the wrong person, because you’re so wound up about disagreeing with people

candlelightsatdawn · 10/12/2021 09:03

To add sassbot and others my comment was directed at one poster in response to a tag.

I haven't told everyone off (or if it's come across that way it wasn't meant to) 😩 I'm simply saying that people going off on a debate re the bloody study and if it should or shouldn't be kept as a room and implies OP doesn't like SC wasn't something she was actually needed to be debated.

I also pointed out there was a similar post recently re Christmas and a mum and the responses were like yes adult kids hard work ect and I didn't see one person say obviously you hate your children.

Maybe the OP should think of other living methods if it bothers her in terms of it being to hectic for her. That's a option which you took and it worked for but mainly this read as a vent and circumstances that to me wouldn't be a deal breaker for me personally. Others will say it would be. We are all different.

sassbott · 10/12/2021 09:04

@candlelightsatdawn 🤣🤣🤣. Have a Brew and a Cake. I’ll join you. Then later I’ll have a Wine.

Welcome to the Christmas season everyone! Xmas Grin

candlelightsatdawn · 10/12/2021 09:07

@Derbee I would but honestly let's just agree to disagree because don't care why your so wound up.

candlelightsatdawn · 10/12/2021 09:08

I wish I could join you on the 🍷 but cake is a good idea.

Who doesn't love Christmas 🎄

sassbott · 10/12/2021 09:13

Oh and @sunshinelover69 congrats on having a kick ass job and a great house.

Sorry you felt piled on by me. Sorry I reacted disproportionately to one comment. My bad.
Enjoy Crimbo with your DD and let the rest of em sort it out. 🎄

Derbee · 10/12/2021 09:14

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@Derbee I would but honestly let's just agree to disagree because don't care why your so wound up. [/quote]
You’re