What to do about adult DSS visiting over Christmas

[sunshinelover69]

Back story: I have one DD18 and DH has two sons 14 and 21. Eldest is in final year of uni and rarely visits (he spend a couple of nights here in the summer but decided to stay in uni town over the summer to work). He is due to visit over Christmas. The issue is we no longer have a spare room as I needed office space (WFH permanently and was previously working in a corner of our bedroom which was causing me issues with sleeping). We agreed that if his eldest wanted to visit we would put an airbed on youngest's floor and he could bunk in with him. All good in theory. But in practice only really works for the odd night - there's a big age difference and the boys will need their own space. I was under the assumption that eldest would maybe stay the odd night and DH would arrange other activities with him in order that he can still see him over the Christmas period (he has a bedroom at his mum's house about 5 miles away). But we've clearly had a bit of miscommunication as DH is under the impression that eldest will come for 6 nights over the Xmas period, ie the same nights that his youngest will be here. I feel like this is untenable with the sleeping arrangements and we're all going to be under each other's feet.

Who is right? Also for context my DD will be spending the whole of Christmas here - she's in her first year of uni and doesn't see her dad for a whole host of reasons which I won't go into but needless to say it's for her own mental wellbeing that she doesn't see him.

The brothers can share. An air bed can be bought at Tesco. Really I don't see why you are worried about it, bunking together is part and parcel of the holidays! I share a bed with my teenage daughter when I visit my sister and my son is on an air bed in her office (she doesn't need to use it at Christmas), and we go there for two weeks!

@sassbott

Oh and *@sunshinelover69* congrats on having a kick ass job and a great house.

Sorry you felt piled on by me. Sorry I reacted disproportionately to one comment. My bad.
Enjoy Crimbo with your DD and let the rest of em sort it out. 🎄

No problem at all..... To be fair you have been very measured where others have piled on. ANYWAY - it's Christmas so let's all be friendly and civil 😊

op- I think it means if i felt as unwelcome s you appear to make your 'DSS - i would think of uni as home.

Problem is when he finishes and is job hunting and may need to come home for a while as uni digs gone, friends dispersed etc - he will know he is not welcome /wanted at his fathers.

As we know you will do what you want - you may not be as harsh as you appear on here in real life but you do not come across well when you talk about your SDCs.

Or maybe he genuinely feels at home as he is so settled, and he is mature enough to be living independently? But obviously as he is a stepchild there has to be another agenda....

How long do we reasonably keep bedrooms free for adults who have left home? Adults who also have another bedroom on the other side of town? Till they're 30? 40? 50? Honestly, sometimes this forum descends into total madness.

He’s your DH’s son and 6 days is a reasonable amount of time, ie too long to kip on his brother’s floor which you could reasonably ask him to do for one night.

I would move the screens/office furniture out of that room and borrow a mattress for him for the week. I would then work in the bedroom or the dining room as your DH isn’t working, just for those days.

@sunshinelover69

Or maybe he genuinely feels at home as he is so settled, and he is mature enough to be living independently? But obviously as he is a stepchild there has to be another agenda....

How long do we reasonably keep bedrooms free for adults who have left home? Adults who also have another bedroom on the other side of town? Till they're 30? 40? 50? Honestly, sometimes this forum descends into total madness.

You genuinely don’t see the difference between keeping a room empty in case he stays, into his 40s, and not being open and welcoming about the thought of him staying on an air bed for a few nights as a returning uni student? Surely you’re just being purposefully obtuse now.

@Derbee you're clearly spoiling for a fight as I never said I was not going to be open and welcoming. I was just stressing about the lads feeling like they didn't have any space, and also about having to plan for meals etc with no real plan of what's happening (which I still don't have). I have since said I clearly just need to chill and go with the flow. I think you need to take a chill pill as well my love - you seem to be very angry about something.

Not spoiling for a fight at all. Even giving you the benefit of the doubt that you’re not as cold as you first appear, the sleeping arrangements aren’t your problem - you’re not sharing a room or sleeping on an air bed on the floor. If they’re happy, you should have nothing to say about it.

As for being so uptight with plans that one person throws everything, it’s so strange. One person, there or not, on any night, is hardly a big enough event that it needs to be seriously taken into consideration for anything planning wise.

@sunshinelover69 I think you maybe just more inclined to be like my dearest grandpa to just like order/planning. We drove him nuts because we would throw that planning out of window, but that doesn't necessarily mean he was wrong and we were right, it took a bit of give and take and kindness from both sides of fence. I will admit we were a lot, and funnily enough I rather like calm and order now .. not that I get it or would attempt to given the nature of my family.

He was after years just admitted to being a bit anxious and liked "order" to help preserve his sanity. It's been a tough year for everyone, everyone's a bit more on the boil than they would be. That's ok and fine.

We can't all be the same right ?

@candlelightsatdawn you're right. Order is my friend. Chaos makes me anxious.

There's a middle way here surely? When DC1 left home we converted his room into a study (we also have 2 occupants working from home); recently he has moved back in temporarily and we converted it back into his bedroom. No big deal. The work from homers will have to work in another part of the house for the time being. It won't be for too long but obviously DC1 having a room to live in is more important than other adults having an ideal office space.

Once he moves out again, hey presto, it will become a study again

As for the rest, university students tend to plan less and go with the flow more ime. That said, it is perfectly reasonable to impose a few boundaries in your own home sunshinelover69 – mine tend to be around meal planning because I hate food waste. I recommend you decide what aspects really irritate you and draw a line in the sand around those. Try not to stress about the rest.

It's astonishing. If the OP did not have this kickass job, and did not own this home, the adult DSS would not have had a room to himself for all the years that OP and her DH have been together. She, and she alone, has provided him with this comfort.

Now she is the one needing a bit of comfort. Enough peace, quiet and order to do the job she has to do over Christmas to keep all those plates spinning. DSS is an adult now, so he can step up and make a small sacrifice or two. If that means sleeping under the dining room table, so be it. If his siblings rest their feet on his belly as he sleeps on through breakfast, those are the breaks

I think I get it now @sunshinelover69 , it's nothing personal against DSS, you'd feel the same about any guest I suspect.

So unfortunately it's a bit of a bigger question as in our household for example (Omicron willing) we'll be having 5 extra people to stay and another 4 at a hotel nearby. Everyone is grown up and has their own house except the 2 year old, but still we all congregate together.
My red line now is hosting or sleeping in a living room - hence the overspill into a hotel, but I don't think we're abnormal in everyone getting together like that.

I wonder is blending the families working for you generally? Sounds like you're the chief earner and bottle washer, so if nothing else that pattern should change as you shouldn't be both.

Anyway a compromise seems to have been reached and I hope it works out and somebody buys the bloody airbed.

LOL @rookiemere there is still no fucking airbed! I will remind him though.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas - sounds like havoc to me but we're not all the same! 😊

Oops, name switch fail 😂

Just order a blow up mattress off of Amazon and stop stressing.

@Derbee

Not spoiling for a fight at all. Even giving you the benefit of the doubt that you’re not as cold as you first appear, the sleeping arrangements aren’t your problem - you’re not sharing a room or sleeping on an air bed on the floor. If they’re happy, you should have nothing to say about it.

As for being so uptight with plans that one person throws everything, it’s so strange. One person, there or not, on any night, is hardly a big enough event that it needs to be seriously taken into consideration for anything planning wise.

Have to agree.

If it's financially feasible, the husband should take his sons to an inn or hotel for the duration, where they won't be unwelcome and can enjoy a pleasant holiday. OP can enjoy her lack of chaos.

Win-win.

@sunshinelover69

Or maybe he genuinely feels at home as he is so settled, and he is mature enough to be living independently? But obviously as he is a stepchild there has to be another agenda....

How long do we reasonably keep bedrooms free for adults who have left home? Adults who also have another bedroom on the other side of town? Till they're 30? 40? 50? Honestly, sometimes this forum descends into total madness.

This is really grasping. He's a student-age child of your husband. And clearly unwelcome in his father's home. What a shame.

His son needs his bedroom back, simple as that. Shocking how you have done this.

Nothing more to add really, but DS and “DSS” have about the same age difference. If DS is back from university and DSS is visiting they share, if we are at DPs they have always shared, it doesn’t kill them and they are not even brothers. Neither of them resent it either.

Actually, I remember really enjoying going back home after long times away and bunk in the same room with my sisters, we used to chatter into the middle of the night until my father shouted saying it was time to sleep. It just felt so warmly “home”.

Does DSS knows you have converted his room into an office? If not, I would suggest you let him know before he comes and ask him where does he prefer to stay if with his brother, the office or the living room. I would say however you cannot have him in a bloody inflated mattress for 6 days, they are vile even for a night, get him real mattress (we have a cheap firm foam mattress from IKEA under DS and DSS’ beds for when they end up under the same roof).

@KalvinPhillipsManBun

His son needs his bedroom back, simple as that. Shocking how you have done this.

Please read OPs comments at least before chiming on with this topic that has well and utterly been covered to death 😩

My sister has a very similar blended set up and absolutely loves it when they're all together. I feel a tiny bit jealous in fact that she has two extra big children piling back in from their lives at work and university. Such a compliment that they all want to.
I'm a more then merrier type tho who thrives on more love and more chaos. OP clearly isnt.

@KalvinPhillipsManBun

His son needs his bedroom back, simple as that. Shocking how you have done this.

That part of it is really not shocking.

Sorry to revive this but am so flippin irritated and need to vent! Just found out by accident that SS was planning on traveling up today and staying with us this coming week with zero prior warning. The only reason we found out is because his housemate has just tested positive for Covid so now he can't travel until he's had a negative PCR. This is what I mean about nailing jelly to a wall - is it really too much to ask to know in advance when he's planning on coming rather than him just rocking up?!

This is what I mean about nailing jelly to a wall - is it really too much to ask to know in advance when he's planning on coming rather than him just rocking up?!

If it was some random person maybe, but this is your husbands child. I’d be happy for my kids to turn up whenever when they’re older. Our nieces and nephews are also welcome to turn up whenever, no warning needed. They often do so I can’t imagine our children having to plan it with us.