What to do about adult DSS visiting over Christmas

[sunshinelover69]

Back story: I have one DD18 and DH has two sons 14 and 21. Eldest is in final year of uni and rarely visits (he spend a couple of nights here in the summer but decided to stay in uni town over the summer to work). He is due to visit over Christmas. The issue is we no longer have a spare room as I needed office space (WFH permanently and was previously working in a corner of our bedroom which was causing me issues with sleeping). We agreed that if his eldest wanted to visit we would put an airbed on youngest's floor and he could bunk in with him. All good in theory. But in practice only really works for the odd night - there's a big age difference and the boys will need their own space. I was under the assumption that eldest would maybe stay the odd night and DH would arrange other activities with him in order that he can still see him over the Christmas period (he has a bedroom at his mum's house about 5 miles away). But we've clearly had a bit of miscommunication as DH is under the impression that eldest will come for 6 nights over the Xmas period, ie the same nights that his youngest will be here. I feel like this is untenable with the sleeping arrangements and we're all going to be under each other's feet.

Who is right? Also for context my DD will be spending the whole of Christmas here - she's in her first year of uni and doesn't see her dad for a whole host of reasons which I won't go into but needless to say it's for her own mental wellbeing that she doesn't see him.

OP doesn't need to say she doesn't want DSS to come for that message to filter through loud and clear even from her thread title - What to do about adult DSS visiting over Christmas? - like it's some dreadful problem to resolve rather than a DS quite naturally wanting to spend some time with his DF and DB over the holidays.

@rookiemere

The problem isn't that she's said anything that implies she doesn't want the SC to stay - is that she's worded the title thread wrong and "implies" in your mind ? 🤯

That is called projection. You have got to see how bonkers that is.

This is like having a conversation with a flat earther.

I think the rooms thing is a bit of a red herring. You all agreed that when DSS stays he stays on blow up mattress and so perfectly fine for him to do so this time.

I think it's more an issue of being 'under each others feet'/not knowing what his plans are and therefore probably feeling quite overwhelmed about trying to plan! So an issue of him being there quite a lot, at short notice, at a time when there's pressure with festive meals etc.

It would be nice to have a vague plan from him. But as that's not forthcoming, I'd just proceed with meals as you usually would and if there's an extra person, share it out a bit. More potatos/pasta. Nothing fancy.

I do empathise with the stress of not knowing how weeks/holidays will play. Unfortunately I don't think you can do much about that, so it might be best to work on accepting that there is an element of uncertainty there, and focusing on having the holidays that work best for you and dd, will DSS welcome to join but nothing hinging on it.

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@rookiemere

The problem isn't that she's said anything that implies she doesn't want the SC to stay - is that she's worded the title thread wrong and "implies" in your mind ? 🤯

That is called projection. You have got to see how bonkers that is.

This is like having a conversation with a flat earther.

[/quote]
DH is under the impression that eldest will come for 6 nights over the Xmas period, ie the same nights that his youngest will be here. I feel like this is untenable

Yes, sounds very welcoming doesn’t it @candlelightsatdawn.

Flat earther indeed

Imagine having the audacity of “being under the impression” that your son will be coming to stay for a few nights in your home, over the Christmas period. What a cheeky bastard the DH must be

He is a 'cheeky bastard' if he's expecting the arrangement to be loose & that op will just organise the household arrangements last minute!!!
Ffs.
Gender bias on here AGAIN!

@Derbee if your gonna pick out parts that suit your narrative well go on ahead but let me correct that for you.

But we've clearly had a bit of miscommunication as DH is under the impression that eldest will come for 6 nights over the Xmas period, ie the same nights that his youngest will be here. I feel like this is untenable with the sleeping arrangements and we're all going to be under each other's feet.

You missed out a whole part about the sleeping issues and general getting under feet that the OP is speaking of.

Instead you picked out parts of a sentence to make it seem like SC were the problem not the sleeping arrangements.

The irony of you doing that kinda proves my point further. Only see what you wanna see without objective facts ... kinda like... 😉

I do appreciate those of you who are trying to see my point - thankyou for your comments. The rest of you witches can fuck off

The rest of you witches can fuck off

@sunshinelover69

I do appreciate those of you who are trying to see my point - thankyou for your comments. The rest of you witches can fuck off

But you asked for opinions. Who is right? Is what you asked. You didn't ask us to see your point did you?

Honestly OP it is a non issue - second DSS stays on airbed with other DSS.

You just don't want him in the house over Xmas - he can visit during the day and eff off back to his Mums to sleep. You made a drama over changing his room to an office and you are making a drama over this.

Families make do over Xmas so they can see each other - ask if he is here for Xmas Dinner and after that it is up to him to feed himself.
Only 4 years and you can have the bigger DSS room for an office and then neither will be able to stay at the same time over Xmas - problem solved.

Like your other thread you do not want to hear opinions - you just want to be told that excluding your DPs DCs from their home is fine - suprisingly some people disagree with you - but you do not want to hear that.

It's not a massive deal is it? He can sleep on the sofa or an air bed or whatever. I never really get the fuss people make about beds over holiday periods-part of the fun of Christmas is having family stuffed in the house like sardines (if you are lucky enough to have them) I think?

part of the fun of Christmas is having family stuffed in the house like sardines (if you are lucky enough to have them) I think?

Different if everyone is off work but you, and you are working from that home providing an essential service that has to be available 24/7/365.

@sunshinelover69

I do appreciate those of you who are trying to see my point - thankyou for your comments. The rest of you witches can fuck off

Lovely

Not that different @SpaceshiptoMars if you have a well equipped study you can lock yourself into and quite rightly expect those others in the house to sort themselves out.

If my spouse was as delightful and welcoming as you are to my children they would no longer be my spouse

@maddy68

If my spouse was as delightful and welcoming as you are to my children they would no longer be my spouse

Bingo!

It's not a massive deal is it? He can sleep on the sofa or an air bed or whatever. I never really get the fuss people make about beds over holiday periods-part of the fun of Christmas is having family stuffed in the house like sardines (if you are lucky enough to have them) I think?
But not everyone feels like this.
Some people don't like chaos & it's unfair to bash someone because they like order & routine or to expect them to behave in a manner that makes them uncomfortable. For some people Christmas & the ensuing chaos is wonderful & for other people it's awful.
I just don't get where this notion has come from that adults are expected to subvert every part of how they want to live because it doesn't suit how kids/teens/young adults think/behave.

@sunshinelover69

I do appreciate those of you who are trying to see my point - thankyou for your comments. The rest of you witches can fuck off

So you only came on here for people to agree with you?

@sassbott

Fuck me. This thread. Thank god I coparent with my exh and not some of you. He may have been an arsehole of a husband but he’s a great father. At 21 I would fully expect our children to still have a space in his home. Vs some rhetoric of ‘he’s 21 and an adult with a bedroom at his mums.’

I am on threads here so unbelievably supportive of SM’s but this one really has my back up.
At least when I was a quasi SM, I knew I didn’t want to deal with these sorts of issues, so I took cohabiting off the table. So that his children and my children always had homes they were fully welcome in. The minute any partner of mine referred to my child as a ‘visiting relative’, I’d quite happily pack my bags and leave.

THIS! With bells on 🔔

Visiting relative indeed

If the dss has only been spending 4/5 nights a year with his dad I can understand him feeling like a relative to op. I'm not saying her wording is great but I can see why she may feel that.
@sassbott I agree with your point but I think the only way to avoid that type of scenario with adult children in particular is to live apart as you say.
College age/adult children coming home is VERY different to living with your younger children & I know many a parent (including myself) who had to dig deep to survive lockdowns with their own adult dc. It's not that the dc are doing anything wrong it's just they have been used to living away from home & want to live in their own way when they come home. This is actually really, really disruptive (unless they're living at home generally with a full time job) to the running of a house & is especially disruptive if you're working from home or younger dc are in school & studying.
I have a fantastic relationship with my dc & love them to bits but lockdown nearly undid me & I can only imagine how a partner who is not their parent would have struggled.
This thread really suggests to me that op is a little at the end of her rope with dh & his arrangements or lack thereof with his eldest ds. This ds obviously did not do much overnighting but that may have had nothing to do with op - maybe it did, but maybe it didn't.

I'll just say one more thing before I call it a day on today. My DSS has made it very plain that he thinks of his uni city as home. He said that when he visited in the summer. He's very settled there. I feel like that casts a whole different perspective on it. He's not a child - he's an adult who has (in his mind) left home.

Goodnight all.

Excellent. What a happy family you have.

@slobberydog

Excellent. What a happy family you have.

I don't know what that even means.

Op
It sounds like you resent him coming for 6 days instead of the day or two you had thought. I think most families at Xmas shuffle around to accommodate guests, it was party of fun of Xmas for me as a child.
I'm sure your dh will love having him around and surely one extra person isn't that much extra work.
You seem determined to be inconvenienced though .